My baby's father doesn't like my older son

[tnmom66]

I have an 11 year old son and an almost 13 year old daughter with my ex-husband. I have an toddler with a man whom I never married and have no relationship with beyond co-parenting. This man is a very devoted father and I love and appreciate him so much, but we do have issues we struggle with (as I guess everyone does). He didn't want the child until she was born, but he quickly became very attached to her.

 

The problem is that I believe this man is suffering from uncontrolled anxiety (he says he can't sleep from worry) and it seems that he is blaming it on my son. My son is an honors student and his teachers at school and church brag to me about his good behavior. However, he is a high-energy boy and can be rambunctious. Still, I have accidentally hurt the baby MUCH worse than my son has, in play (which is still very minor, like a scratch or a slightly mashed finger or a bump). I worked in day care for many years and I have seen kids bang each other on the head with blocks, bite each other, and push each other down. The baby's father wants her to play soccer as soon as she's 3 or 4. To prevent all injuries, you have to raise a child in a bubble, which isn't a good thing, either.

 

The baby's father thinks my son is too rough with the baby (who is now 19 months old) and will cause her serious injury. I have tried to assure him that I watch my kids closely and that I don't leave them unsupervised. None of my kids has ever had stitches, broken bones, or any other serious injury. On the contrary, my baby's father lost an arm and his sister lost an eye when they were young children. So, I can see his experiences are coloring his view.

 

My son asked me months ago, "Why does your boyfriend hate me?" (He calls him my "boyfriend" even though it isn't a correct term because he doesn't like to call him by his name). At the time, I told my son that he wasn't hated, but now I'm wondering... The baby's father has told me he is consulting a lawyer to see what the consequences are for me, my son, and my son's father if the baby is hurt, and he told me he would get a restraining order if he could to keep my son from the baby.

 

This is so far overblown, it could almost be funny. Ridiculous. I think he's being irrational, he thinks I'm not taking things seriously enough.

 

I KNOW my son and I know he adores his sister. I KNOW my baby is benefiting from a close relationship with her siblings. I KNOW accidents happen in even when people are being careful, and devastating injuries can occur in a moment. I know my son is careless enough that I have to STILL watch him to make sure he doesn't hurt himself, as well as anyone else. I take reasonable precautions to ensure the health and safety of my whole family.

 

I am very distressed over this. I have asked that we get family therapy several times for this and other issues, but he refuses. He thinks he isn't part of any "problem" that needs to be solved.

 

I know one obvious solution is to keep my son away from the baby and this man when he is visiting. He asked me the other day if my son played the same way with the baby when he wasn't around. I said, "yes". And I'm not going to lie, but I guess I should dodge the question next time. My son is a normal, healthy, energetic boy. He doesn't watch wrestling and "body slam" his sister, like I read about some other child doing, and killing his sister. He isn't rough like that. He loves to make her laugh. I know I'm his mother and don't want to think ill, but I'm also my baby's mother and I want them to play safely together and I make sure they do.

 

I'd sure appreciate any advice from anyone who has dealt with anything like this. I have often worried that this man will abscond with the child. He's a good man, intelligent, responsible, but I think he's a little paranoid and I think no good will come of it.

 

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[Jetta]

You need to lose the boyfriend or risk losing your children. I say this from experience.

[Cognitive_Canine]

This man is insane. I can't believe that he is actually considering getting a restraining order or suing your son.

 

Honestly, I'd separate yourself from this man. You can share the custody of the child. You don't need to raise it *together*.

[tnmom66]

I'm afraid you're right, but I'm afraid that if I do anything, we'll find ourselves in an even worse situation. Every time I propose a change, he proposes something that I find less appealing than maintaining the status quo. And things can be MUCH worse.

 

I just wish I could assuage his fears. I hope his lawyer, or whoever else he turns to for advice will help him see that he's being unreasonable. He certainly won't listen to me, since I'm emotionally involved.

[Catdancer]

I think that you need to consult your lawyer and make some changes to your custody agreement giving you sole physical and legal custody and your bf visitation away from your home, just him and his daughter.

 

And depending on what state you are in, I think that he would have an almost impossible time getting a restaining order against a child brother to keep him away from his sister without hardcore tangible evidence.

[Sunny1607307996]

I agree with Catdancer, you should consult YOUR lawyer before he consults his.

 

Also, keep a record of everything. Maybe even video tape your children playing together so a judge can see what you consider to be normal playing and what her father considers to be dangerous.

 

What exactly does your custody agreement say? Does he come to your house to visit, or take his daughter out for the day/weekend? Do you even have a custody agreement?

 

Does this man have any other children?

 

It sounds like he was hurt by rough play as a child and perhaps still has permanent trauma for it, and as a result is overly paranoid.

 

For the record, I'm responsible for sending my siblings to the emergency room on at least 3 separate occasions. You're right, you can be 100% careful 100% of the time, teach your children to play gentle, and accidents still happen. They did in my family. I've had broken bones and my siblings have had broken bones and stitches and we're not worse for wear as adults. It's not like we were angry and intentionally hurt each other, accidents happen!

 

This man just doesn't understand how siblings play.

[tnmom66]

I think that you need to consult your lawyer and make some changes to your custody agreement giving you sole physical and legal custody and your bf visitation away from your home, just him and his daughter.

 

And depending on what state you are in, I think that he would have an almost impossible time getting a restaining order against a child brother to keep him away from his sister without hardcore tangible evidence.

 

Oh, I am SURE it would be impossible to get a restraining order. He has never hurt her or threatened to hurt her. I think the baby's father would IF HE COULD, but hopefully he realizes that no judge is going to keep siblings apart for no reason beyone someone's ungrounded and irrational fear.

 

I also think changes to the custody agreement we have in place are unlikely and it would be a waste of time and money to pursue that. I don't have any more justification than he does to rock the boat, however, I am keeping a log of his irrational behavior, so I am in the process of building a case against this man. Hopefully, he'll calm down. As someone who occasionally suffers from anxiety herself, I expect this to pass.

 

His sister is soon moving here and perhaps the visitation can be done at her house, at least most of the time.

[Catdancer]

What is your custody and visitation agreement now? Do you have custody with him visitation? Is it supervised? if not, why does he come to your house? Is he really your bf, in that you are in a relationship with this man, or is he an ex? Has he ever laid a hand on or said anything nasty or mean to your son?

[abitbroken]

I agree with what was said, but I also think that an 11 year old should not be roughhousing with a toddler. When I was the toddler's age, the neighbor kids who were 11-15 liked to play with me...until the day we played "helicopter" and my arm got dislocated. 11 year old boys like to wrestle and roughhouse and I think you should encourage him reading to his little sister and sitting down and playing blocks and imagination games with her, but seriously discourage rough play. Even if her father wasn't doing what he was doing, kids that age don't know their own strength. I also have a sister who is a decade younger than me, so know how kids with that age gap can have no idea about what's too rough for little ones.

[tnmom66]

What is your custody and visitation agreement now? Do you have custody with him visitation? Is it supervised? if not, why does he come to your house? Is he really your bf, in that you are in a relationship with this man, or is he an ex? Has he ever laid a hand on or said anything nasty or mean to your son?

 

We have joint custody, I'm the primary parent, but he had the papers written up so that he has the right to have the baby up to almost 1/2 of the time so he'd pay less child support. I didn't want to agree to that, but I couldn't afford a lawyer and I expected him to not exercise that right.

 

He comes to my house because he thinks I'm not a good housekeeper and I need "inspections" to make sure it stays "acceptable". I'm NOT a good housekeeper, and he may be right there. I'm not perfect, either! I'm very much a "hands on" mom and while my baby is so young, it is hard to give her the attention she needs and also to get all my housekeeping done in a timely manner.

 

He is not comfortable being alone with the baby for any length of time.

 

No, he isn't my "boyfriend", we haven't been sexually active in over 2 years and have no romantic feelings for each other. I can't even say we're "friends". I occasionally have had romantic feelings for him in moments of loneliness, but he doesn't reciprocate, and I haven't felt that way in about 4 months, so maybe they are gone for good.

 

He has never laid a hand on my son and I don't think he would. He has spoken harshly only one time, when he had taken me out to the doorstep to talk to me about my son, and my son opened the door looking for me, "Don't come out here!" or something like that. He has corrected my son, but I have never thought he has said anything out of line. I don't mind it because I think, like many kids, he listens better to someone besides the parent. I guess my son is just picking up on the negative vibes.

[Cognitive_Canine]

There is no reason for him to come to your house, complain about your housekeeping, and then be mean and unfair to your older son.

 

If he wants the child, he can take the child to his house and stay out of your space.

 

How do you put up with him picking on you and your son?

[Catdancer]

You definitely need to change the visitation so that he takes the baby to his house. Also, since he wants the baby half the time, he need to go shopping and get food, diapers, clothes, sippy cups, baby shampoo, and whatever ever he needs to care for the baby when he has her. Put a stop to his abuse by keeping him out of your home. It is none of his business what your house looks like. You have no committment to him and you have the right to refuse him in your home.

 

Next time he shows up, ask him is he has a car seat, if he does, give him your daughter and tell him what time to bring her home. If he doesnt, tell him that he needs a car seat so he can take her to visit. If he refuses all of this, then he refuses visitation. Keep a log of all of this.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I agree with this completely.

[tnmom66]

My baby's father lost an arm from a fall and bad follow-up treatment as a child and his sister got poked in an eye with a stick while playing and lost her eye when she was young. I think this is a HUGE part of the problem! And I can't imagine how it could be much different--I'd probably be paranoid, too, if I were him!

 

This is his only child.

 

I HAVE stopped my son from doing things that I thought weren't safe. That's part of what Mom's are for, right? For example, he was chasing her around with a plastic dragon and they both were laughing and having a good time. I told him to be careful (thinking more about running and falling and getting hurt), her father specifically asked him to not keep the dragon at her eye level. Well, a moment later, he was doing the same thing, so I told him to give me the toy and her Dad threw it away and asked my son didn't he know his sister had lost an eye. From my son's perspective, he had matters in hand. The baby had her back to him and he saw no danger. The baby's dad pointed out that she could have quickly turned around at any time. My point was that he should have been obedient, as I am just trying to keep them both safe.

 

It isn't like these situations come around all the time. But they do stick in his mind. And I'm constantly on the alert. I know that there will be NO grace if the child gets hurt and my son is anywhere around. She's gotten hurt with her Dad (again, nothing serious), but you can be sure that if something even minor happens, there will be hell to pay as far as my son is concerned.

 

I think he has forgotten how kids play, although he was a referee for youth soccer.

 

Thanks for the suggestions, but I can't afford a lawyer. I can, however take pictures, video, records of everything.

[tnmom66]

There is no reason for him to come to your house, complain about your housekeeping, and then be mean and unfair to your older son.

 

If he wants the child, he can take the child to his house and stay out of your space.

 

How do you put up with him picking on you and your son?

 

How do I put up with it? I'm afraid to NOT put up with it! He may not do so intentionally, but he intimidates me.

 

I don't want him taking the child away from me (she's ust 1 1/2 years), so I try to not complain of him being in my space. He usually comes to my house 2 -3 hours after his work 4 nights a week (he'd come 5 nights if I didn't have church on Wed., I think) and I meet him somewhere 2-3 hours either Saturday or Sunday. He has proposed keeping her 6 hours every Saturday and every Sunday and I can't agree to that.

 

We don't have "specifics" set up. We probably should have a parenting plan in place, but we probably wouldn't follow it any more closely than my ex-husband and I follow our for our kids. I think flexibility is a good thing.

 

Overall, this arrangement has been good. I get tired sometimes of him coming to my house, and there have been times I have told him I was not feeling well, or too exhausted for "company" and he's skipped. I have few complaints, really. But this one is HUGE.

[Cognitive_Canine]

There is no way that this man can take this child from you. Unless you are doing drugs or she is living in filth, he has no grounds for removing this child from your care. You can take that to the bank.

 

Do you think this man is healthy enough mentally to take care of a child?

[tnmom66]

My, you're a tough one!

 

This will happen in time. I think he's waiting till she talks well, is potty trained, etc. He will get his own car seat then. He doesn't really WANT her half the time and I certainly don't want him to have her that much at this early age. He has talked about hiring a woman to stay with him while he keeps her for several hours, but I don't like that idea.

 

We were visiting at HIS house one weekend and he got mad at me for something and I left, saying I'd be back in 1 1/2 hours and I'd be 10 minutes away and to call me if he needed me. He did fine, and I thought he would, but he quit inviting us to his house on Saturdays.

 

He has money and resources that I don't have and I'm afraid things won't turn out well if I get in a power struggle with him. I have occasionally put my foot down, but I always back off when he makes me think he's going to change things in a way I won't be happy with.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Wait...what?!

 

So, he doesn't actually want to take care of his child. He just wants to boss you around on the way you do?!

 

That's what I'm grasping from this.

[Catdancer]

Yes, I am a tough one when it comes to the health and safety of children. I have a 14 month old son and I've just recently come to an agreement with my son's father. It was hell getting there, but when it comes to my son, I HAVE to be one tough witch because SOMEONE has to stand up and do what's right.

 

I am honestly not worried about your toddler, I am worried about your son and the crap that he has to indure from this man.

[tnmom66]

I agree with what was said, but I also think that an 11 year old should not be roughhousing with a toddler. When I was the toddler's age, the neighbor kids who were 11-15 liked to play with me...until the day we played "helicopter" and my arm got dislocated. 11 year old boys like to wrestle and roughhouse and I think you should encourage him reading to his little sister and sitting down and playing blocks and imagination games with her, but seriously discourage rough play. Even if her father wasn't doing what he was doing, kids that age don't know their own strength. I also have a sister who is a decade younger than me, so know how kids with that age gap can have no idea about what's too rough for little ones.

 

I agree with you, thanks for this posting. I DO encourage him to do quiet activities and I do discourage ANY "rough" play. A small child doesn't need "rough" play from anyone! But kids that age do like to be chased and to run!

[Catdancer]

Also, my son's half sister is 10. When she and her friends and cousins start wrestling and playing we sometimes have to stop them as Landon, my son, is right there with them. lol He jsut watches them, but he's always close by and it's so easy for a stray hand or foot to hit him. So, we sometimes have to rein in the girls. But what they do with Landon is chase him, play ball with him, put him on his bike and push him around. they go outside and play in the grass, catch bugs, pick flowers for mommy, chew on rocks (well, just Landon chews on rocks..lol).

 

Also, we bed wrestle with him alot. lol He loves it. He will stand up and dive into the pillows or I'll pick him up and fall backwards with him. I flip him and turn him and we roll all over. And he loves to stand on his head, so his daddy has taught him how to do a front -roll flip. So, now he does that on the bed.

 

There are some things you can do to "rough house", and toddlers LOVE it! lol But I do agree that the older kids need to be careful of the little ones.

[tnmom66]

Yes, I think he is "mentally healthy" enough to care for the child.

 

I know he can't legally "take the child"--she is obviously being well taken care of and has NO GROUNDS to take her. I don't smoke, drink, entertain men, do drugs, or provide an unhealthy environment in any way. But men have been known to disappear with their kids ILLEGALLY. I sometimes worry that he'll do that, especially since he's from a different country and even strangers warn me that he's liable to run off with her. Seems like everyone has seen "Not Without My Daughter" and think all men from other countries are likely to steal kids from their mothers. Seriously, though, you don't know what people are capable of. I hope that is MY "irrational fear", but at least I realize the likelihood of that happening is remote.

 

He did not want this child, but he loves her, pays his child support on schedule, buys diapers even though he isn't required to, gives her hours of his absolutely undivided attention 5 days a week, and I think he "bosses me around" out of genuine concern for the child.

 

I am concerned about my son's feelings. He is a good kid. He loves his sister. I can't imagine how I would feel if I were in my son's shoes. I think keeping them (baby's dad and my son) apart will be helpful. Most of the time, in the house, my son is in his room, on the computer, with the door shut and we don't see or hear him. But last week I took him with us because we went to the park and I though he'd enjoy it, and indeed, he met up with some other kids and they kicked a soccer ball around for a while. But he aroused baby's dad by tossing a half-filled disposable water bottle (meaning soft plastic) into the bottom of the stroller from several feet away. The baby was nowhere near, but her Dad saw it and got mad. Sure IF she was in the line of fire, she MIGHT have gotten hit. And I DID tell my son he shouldn't throw things like that. He can throw a ball or a frisbee. Of course, the baby could get hit with the ball or frisbee, too. Like I said, he's looking for things to complain about and I don't want to subject my son to that.

[abitbroken]

I would have not liked it if he threw a bottle at ALL even if it was not near his sister's head. It just shows how he handles things in general.

 

When is your daughter's father around? Does he come every day after school for five days? If he is just there for an hour or two a day, why not make it your son's homework time, etc? Or maybe an after school activity? It seems that if he doesn't stop what he was doing, it may be less ADD or whatever and more "showing off" or attention seeking.

 

Is you son's dad in the picture? If so, does he spend special time with his son? If he is not in the picture at all or doesn't come over or co-parent I can see why he would be frustrated about the treatment his sister gets too. Is there an uncle, etc, or another male figure that is related/permanently in his life who would take some interest in him?

 

What about having one on one time with your son prior to your daughter's father coming over? This way he feels special and is satisfied that he got to spend time with you versus having to deal with a guest and having to stand in line for mom.

[Citlali]

What country is your daughter's father from, out of curiosity?

 

He seems to be either insane or purposely trying to scare you into doing things his way. Either way, I'd consider getting a lawyer to help out. There are places that offer services for free or at low cost. Just don't ever agree to anything out of trust that he won't invoke that agreement. That's the worst thing you can do.

[tnmom66]

I would have not liked it if he threw a bottle at ALL even if it was not near his sister's head. It just shows how he handles things in general.

 

Yes, he is generally careless. I recognize that in him. And I am constantly trying to help him be more careful. And it is why I will not leave him playing alone with my daughter, and it MAY be why she hasn't accidentally been hurt.

 

Baby's father usually comes after supper for a couple of hours. It will be easy to keep them separated.

 

My son spends a lot of time with his father and also an uncle. And I spend a lot of time with my son--not much one-on-one, but family time.