going round in circles

[katyg79]

Sorry for another post but today is another bad day (it is one month since i found my ex fooling around online with other girls)

 

Basically, i have had far too many low days and today i let myself down. I sent an email saying "hey how are you donig"

 

I know he will reply because we have been in lc since then, mainly about belongings and at first he was initiating contacting me. Unfortunatley i had a blip about 2 weeks ago where i went awol for the night and dissapeared for a ride in my car. i wont go into detail but i was in a pretty horrible mess based on something he had added to his new online profile (he has since deleted it off)

 

I know he is a sweet person behind all the problems we had. When we first started dating he sent me an email one day saying he only ever saw me as his friend so i brushed myself down, lost weigh did everything to build back my confidence and started seeing someone else. During the end of that relationship He got back in touch and when i finally ended that relationship i started to spend more and more time with him. I often asked him why he decided that he could now be more than friends with him... he said i had changed and he saw a brighter side to me... well because i have been depressed over another personal loss (anniversary of a lost baby) in the last month of this relationship i think he is making that a reason to not be with me.

 

Had i really lost the fun part of me in just one month. Surely he should have asked if i needed help. I did keep alot to myself in the last month and just cried but that was my cry for help and he went and found some other interest.

 

Was it my fault? i feel that i had found my soul mate and very frightened right now that i cannot find anotherr and that once again my personal loss is going to put any future relationships in jepardy.

 

I am so lost i cannot help but want to speak with him. we were best friends. I remember all the lovely times. (and keep asking everyone to remind me of the bad) right now the lovely times are outweighing the bad and i cannot shake this bad feeling off.

 

It is such an urge to contact him, i want to see if he is hurting too, i think if i knew he missed me i would be able to get on with life and find someone new, i guess i was hoping that his cruel words were just anger and we can actually be friends. I know the love has died i can accept that but i just cannot accept that he is no longer part of my life

 

;-( x