Pretty Complicated, or at least I think so....

[apach]

Let's see, where to start.....

 

I met her in High School, she was into me and I didn't know it. I was kind of in a weird spot in my youth of not being challenged by school, and looking for more. Which is why I didn't notice her interest in me. Also, she had a boyfriend which is probably why I didn't notice also. As time went on she actually approached me to see if I wanted to hang out with her and her boyfriend sometime. I said sure, and we did. Had fun hanging out with them, was nice and friendly.

 

As time went on it was more apparent that she liked me more than just a friend which was awkward for me. I basically thought, "I need to get out of this situation" since she was in a relationship. I started to not hang out with them anymore and she got upset and started professing her love for me one day. I actually felt the same way, but didn't feel as though I had the right to express it to her, with her being in a relationship. I didn't know what to do, and continued to hang out with them. As time went on things got more and more awkward. Eventually, I told her the feelings were mutual. However, she didn't want to leave her boyfriend, and I didn't want to do what we were doing. Anytime I told her this, she would get extremely upset. One time she cut herself very badly, she was so upset. Made me feel horrible, but I didn't know what to do. It was starting to drive me crazy, because I did care about her very much and was fairly certain that I "loved" her even though I was so young. I didn't want to be a part of it, but whenever I told her that she acted as if I was leaving her and would be ridiculously upset, asking why was I leaving her. After a somewhat long road filled with strife and turmoil, she left her boyfriend and we started to "date". Things were great or so I thought. She liked to smoke pot, and I didn't ever until I met her, and did for a while. Until I noticed that smoking it so much just effected me in a way I didn't like. So I decided to stop. This coincided with us starting to date exclusively as well. She didn't like that I was stopping, and I asked her how much she actually cared about me smoking pot. She said that she was insulted I even asked, and that she loved me and wanted to be with me no matter what.

 

We only had a couple of months of exclusiveness. She stayed in contact with her ex-boyfriend a little bit, but not much. Didn't see him, but didn't ignore him either. She started a new job, where she met a guy that smoked pot as well. Happened to be her boss, and they started to "hang out". I didn't really like the idea, but wasn't going to tell her that she was "forbidden" with hanging out with the guy. I was head over heels in love with her, which clouded my rationality and reasoning a good bit of the time I believe. A month or two went by, and she was "hanging out" with him more and more. I didn't like it, but she would get extremely defensive if I ever brought it up. She got to seeing him so much that we were only seeing each other once or twice a week, when it had been every day. She even started spending the night, which she probably had done but hadn't told me. However, I guess after a while she probably was spending the night enough that she didn't feel like trying to hide it. She still insisted they were just friends, and I was very jealous. I would get irritated, but then end up feeling like an because of how upset she would get at me. I eventually kind of threw in the towel, and she noticed. I didn't complain about her not seeing me as much, and got use to the fact of where she usually was. A couple of weeks go by, and she tells me that she has had sex with the guy and wanted me to know. I wasn't really surprised, and told her that.

 

I tried to get her to explain to me why she had treated me like this, but never could. She would just keep saying how much she loved me and always would. I would look at her dumbfounded, and say well why are you with this guy? She said she couldn't explain it, and still wanted me to be there for her. Not that she wanted to be with me, but that she wanted me to be there for her. Which bothered the hell out of me. Because I have the girl I love and adore telling me she loves me too, but I can't handle her being with someone else and she acts as if I am "leaving her" almost like before. Eventually I can't deal with the emotional turmoil anymore and give up. She looked at it as if I was an and put her through tons of emotional strife. I guess because of how upset I would get, because I loved her and she would say I was leaving her. Caused me to want to pull my hair out.

 

I finally said, enough is enough and decided to not talk to her anymore. About four or five months go by, and I find out through a friend of a friend that she is pregnant and they are going to get married. It hurt me, I was still hurt, but was okay. I was trying to move on. I decided it was best to just not talk to her at all, fearing I would get caught up in the same thing again.

 

I didn't communicate with her at all. Two or three years go by, and she sent an e-mail asking how I was and so on. I replied as I would an old friend. This happened every year or two. Now it has been about seven years, and I moved to the same city she is in unwittingly. She knew through friends where I was and what I was doing. She contacted me one day to see if I wanted to meet to talk. I told her that was fine. I had been in four relationships since we had seen each other. All, I would consider normal relationships that were good. They just got to a point where we didn't want to become more serious so we decided to call it off.

 

We met and everything was okay. She has a child with her husband, which came as well. I figured we were just there to casually "catch up", nothing serious. A little while goes by, and I realize that she wants to talk to me privately, and she talks about the past and how much she cares about me. She wants to know if I still care for her and so on. I told her that I loved her, and always would.

 

She makes some references to problems with her marriage, but nothing too detailed. I tell her I'm sorry to hear that. The evening ends with a hug and me saying it was good to talk to her.

 

I wasn't really sure what to expect next, but wasn't really expecting anything. She communicates with me casually online, and starts to plan things for us to see each other but not necessarily like dating. More of things she is going to with friends and wants me to come with them. I do and we have fun, but things get complicated. She starts telling me how much she loves me more and more, and I tell her the same. This goes on for a month, until I take a step back and tell her we shouldn't be seeing each other like this since she is married. She gets very defensive and says that they aren't doing well and thinks they are going to separate. I tell her I understand and that she has a lot to deal with and maybe we could remain friends for the time being, and let her figure out what is going on with her marriage. She takes it very personally, gets upset, and acts as if it is total rejection on my part even though I thoroughly let her know that I do love her. Makes me feel very bad, because I do care about her very much. She tells me that I am looking too much into the future. Even though I don't agree I kind of go along with it, and continue to go out to different events and social gatherings.

 

I become comfortable a bit in this, because we aren't having sex or anything like that even though we had kissed on occasion. One night I am hanging out with her friends on the roof of their apartment, because she wanted to talk to this guy friend of hers that I didn't know much about. I knew they were good friends but didn't suspect anything. I had even seen him come up to her and hug her, and her kiss him on the forehead. I truly didn't think anything of it. Just thought it was her being cute and nice. She said something one night showing her being a bit jealous of me talking to a friend of hers. I told her I was just bored, and had no one to talk to. Which I was, and there was little of anything to be jealous about. I told her about how I saw her and the guy, but I wasn't jealous because I knew there wasn't anything there.

 

Well, back to me being on the roof with her friends. We had only been out there a few minutes, having left her to talk to the guy about whatever she wanted to talk to him about. When her and the guy comes out of the stairwell of a parking deck right next to where we were. They kinda run out of the stairwell, throw their things down, and start kissing very passionately and feeling on each other. I look at her friend and say, well there is her and the guy. She looks and I guess is stunned, and immediately tries to call her phone but she ignores it. She starts to look really worried and keeps looking at me and is noticeably upset. She calls again, and she picks up and her friend tells her that we are on the roof and can see them and that she needs to stop. She tells the guy I guess, and leaves the roof. Her friend decides to go find her and talk to her. After a while, an hour or so, after not hearing anything from the two I decide to go out and see what's going on. I find her talking to her friend extremely upset and crying in the stairwell. I hug her and tell her everything is okay, and to not be so upset. She hugs me back for a second and then darts off, pissed off. I'll cut this short here, as to not rant and rant.

 

Anyways, to make it shorter she tells me how terribly sorry she is and it didn't mean anything. I tell her it is okay, and as long as she didn't really care about him and would be honest with me, that it was fine. She told me that she loves me more than anything and that she couldn't deny it since she still felt so strongly about me after all of these years. She told me she wanted to be with me and so on. She ended up spending the night with me two nights in a row, and was very passionate and happy to be with me.

 

The time had come for her and her husband to renew their lease on their apartment and she had told him, that she was probably going to find a place of her own. They had been having problems for a while according to her. They got to arguing more, and in turn we didn't see each other very much but I would talk to her to just be someone she could talk to.

 

She had let me know that she had made the decision to get her own place. We met for lunch one day and she happened to say that her and her husband were eventually going to go to marriage counseling. I didn't really know what to say but she didn't act that weird about it. I felt betrayed and very oddly about it. Because I had justified us being romantically involved, by her being "separated" from her husband. I did some thinking and told her that we shouldn't tell each other how much we loved each other and kiss and what not. Told her that she just needed to deal with everything she had going on, with her and her husband, moving, and her daughter. She got very upset and eventually told her that I was breaking her heart. I explained to her that I loved her very much but couldn't do it. That she needed to deal with these things first. She asked what changed so quickly, and I told her about her saying that she was going to marriage counseling. She said that she didn't mean it for them to get back together but for her to work on them getting along for the sake of their daughter. I didn't really believe that, but didn't tell her. I felt like she was just saying that to make things okay between me and her. I helped her move into her new place since she didn't have anyone to help her move. Things have been kind of okay, but I haven't really talked to her about anything relationship wise with us or with her husband. She just tells me she loves me and I tell her the same. I get the feeling that she is really just trying to weigh the pros and cons between me and her husband sometimes. I am a lot younger than he is, and me and her are the same age. I have a pretty successful career, own a home, and have everything together for the most part. He doesn't have a good job, and is not happy, and has a bit of a drug problem as she does somewhat as well. Both having made a habit of taking different prescription drugs habitually.

 

 

I would REALLY REALLY REALLY appreciate ANY advice or insight into this situation.

[FrenchFries]

She is a liar and a cheat through and through. Cut ties with her COMPLETELY and forever. Wow...

[apach]

thanks for the reply. am I a moron?? sometimes I think about it and it is just absurd. I have grown up quite a bit, in different ways, even though I am still "young". That is what I think about now though is that, I "know" what is right and should do it regardless of wanting to succumb to emotions. However, she makes it so hard when she acts as if I am leaving her, considering I care about her so much. really, am i a moron by letting this continue?

 

 

thanks...

[bruinsy81]

She doesn't sound like the right girl for you.I think you should move on and perhaps contact you only if she is completely out of her marriage .

[Clarity]

This woman has no morals whatsoever. She uses man after man in her life. Hopefully you can see that now and will keep her out of your life COMPLETELY.

[abouttime]

The girl is a total skank. If you really knew how many men she had slept with you would be running the other way.

[velvette]

it's only complicated if you stay. it can be so simple if you just walk the other way... I can't believe you're SO at-ease with all of it. the kissing in the stair-well, for example. that's just amazing. and making it your fault when she cheated on you. wow.

 

you are a rare person of somehow infinite patience/naivete, but if you don't want your heart to keep twisting you have to get out of this pattern. don't go back to her, no matter how much you think you love her. there are other women out there, better for you.

[RobD70]

RRRRUUUUNNNN!

She is a narcissist and I’m betting a compulsive lair to boot. You are being tool being nice to her and you need to stop. I’ve been with her type before and nothing good ever comes of it. If she loved you so much she wouldn’t be off making out with some guy at the same party you are at. She was just sorry she got caught but rest assure she won’t stop fooling around with other guys…ever. It’s her nature.

 

She is evil. Get the hell away from her and don’t look back.

[jbr666]

Sorry to quote myself from another post, but man...you are not a moron

you just aren't in touch with what is driving you to the decisions you are taking. This girl is guaranteed to hurt you, and hurt you bad..

run run as fast and as far as you can man. I have spent my whole life in these kind of relationships. I've rejected fantastic women because they have not sparked "THAT" feeling in me, only these types have, and these are the types that I have pursued, to my cost.

Think about how this is making you feel, physically I mean. How it is actually affecting your body... now tell me... is that what you want for the rest of your life??

 

At the end of my most recent, disaster of a relationship, I was explaining things to a friend at work. This is a guy who is a kindred spirit, not really close to me, but very like me... only different in that he has a lot more sense than me..after I told him about the whole mess he said this..

"count yourslef lucky J, some guys live their whole lives that way

 

 

 

 

 

 

quoting myself again, but it's relevant because it's true.

 

 

 

 

 

YOU are the key to this puzzle. Why would you want to be involved with some one who would treat you this way?

 

Riddle me this...If you loved a person, would YOU treat them like this???

[apach]

I just want to thank those for the advice, I really really appreciate it. I don't know why it is so hard for me to think rationally about things like this. Everything else, I am usually pretty good at judging, I guess I just get too emotional and my judgment becomes very cloudy. I actually haven't completely severed anything with her right now. A while back I was working on it, but she kept getting so upset and saying that I was leaving her there all alone, that it kept making me feel so bad.

 

Just like jbr666 said though. She keeps treating me these ways, and she loses respect for me, and I think I may myself as well. She is very much like a roller coaster. Extremely happy and passionate for a few days or a little over a week, then it slows down, then goes into this very very bad mood treating me like * * * * , very snappy, not making any sense type meanness, just mean to be mean.

 

Even though it shouldn't have, regardless of how bad she makes me feel about it, I realize that I simply can't talk to her anymore.

 

I just wanted to say again that I appreciate the help and advice VERY much.

 

if anyone feels like giving feedback, positive or negative I very much appreciate it. Thanks.

[abouttime]

I am glad to hear that you are dumping her. She is so broken. She has no morals at all. She cheats on you b4, she now cheats on her husband, then she cheats on you again. You need to really just leave this woman alone. I think of her poor daughter. Her mother will have a revolving door of relationships with men. What a horrible mother and model. Just stay away.

[f1r3f1y3]

Regardless of what she's like, you should be staying away anyway as she's married with a kid. If she separates properly with a view to divorce then fine but she's still living with him. You sound reasonably intelligent, don't be the other man.

[Longview01]

I agree with everyone that says run! she is pure poisen and even if she does leave her husband and make things offical with you then she will just cheat on you....she already proved that many many times.

 

I'm amazed that after what she done to you the first time you would have anything to do with her ever again.

 

Have some self respect and find someone that actually deserves you and wont cheat/emtionally blackmail you.

 

Good luck!