She broke up with me !!!$#!$!

[epicurean]

My ex broke up with me a week ago. We were together for almost 4 years. We were friends since a young age and then we started dating as adults. She was my first love and serious relationship. She lived with me in my house for 3.5 years. I supported her financially while she was in college and afterward for over a year because she was unable to find a job. I worked long hours to support us.

 

She finally got a job several months ago and since then our relationship went downhill fast. I work late (past midnight) and she would leave for work 8am sharp so we briefly saw each other in the mornings and night. For the past year or so i haven't slept in the same bed with her because she complains of my sleep apnea (snoring)... For the last few months there was less and less affection from her. I knew things were not good between us.

 

She broke up with me 2 times before and somehow we got back together both times. Those 2 times I initiated N/C because my grief was unbearable and several months after she would always call me and I would fall back in love with her.

 

Rewind about 4 months ago we had a conversation about marriage and having kids. I told her that I was not ready to get married for atleast 5 years until I advance in my career and things are more stable for me financially to support a family. She started crying. She told me we have different future plans and wanted to get married in atleast two years(shes twenty eight) to start a family.

 

So several weeks ago she told me that she would be moving back to her fathers house and that we should continue as "friends" because she wants to see what else is out there. She kept stating that we have different future plans and that she wants to get married in 2 years. I had a feeling this was a cop out/excuse for our break up because if she loved me she 2 years or 5 years should not make a difference...I was really hurt once again. I asked her many questions and then she finally admitted she was not happy in our relationship because she felt I was not doing enough to keep our relationship in tact. She had a real big issue with my mother because my mother did not approve of her living in my house, me supporting her, etc etc. So she was never involved with my family. Secondly she stated that my job was consuming me, I was real stressed out, I worked long hours and she felt as if I wasn't attentive to her. This was all to support us but to her I was only doing it for my own career advancement. She told me well if we were not together I would be paying the mortgage/bills anyways...I had every plan to marry her but she didn't see it that way. I was devastated... I did so much for her but nothing was ever good enough. I gave up my friends, my hobbies, worked long hours, I even cooked often and cleaned up after her (she was very messy)on my days off just to be a good boyfriend but it was not enough...

 

I told her that it was not in my best interest to continue any sort of relationship (this was really hard to do because I didn't want to lose her again) in order for me to move on and maybe several years down the road we can become friends once again. She began sobbing saying that its not easy for her to do this because she's not sure if she will find anyone as good as me but she has to try. I told her this is the last time my heart will be broken in our relationship I cannot take anymore. I told her I had to go and we said bye and that was that.

 

I made a big mistake by googling her name just out of curiosity. It linked me to her facebook page and her wall. It seems that a friend of a friend (lets just say his name is Corey) had been commenting on every single thing she posted up for over 4 months and they would go back and forth. I remembered her telling me several months ago she was talking to Corey on facebook and i found it odd when she told me she met his ex girlfriend and she thought the girl not so attractive. A few days later she was in the shower and she asked me to check who called her cell phone, low and behold it was Corey. I had to check her text messages even though i knew it was wrong and of course Corey had messaged her many times throughout the week. Now am I just being jealous or does it seem odd that "Corey" the single guy is trying to be good friends with my girlfriend? I don't know... He seemed like a real cool guy when I met him at a christmas party but I do remember the first time I met him I got a not so friendly look from him... as if he knew who I was already. I thought when I met him it was the first time for my girlfriend as well but now that I recall all these things its starting to make me think maybe they had already met before as friends ... or not.](*,)

 

Now I really need some closure... I have alot on my mind and im in pain, mourning... and this Corey guy isn't helping. I do want her back but I don't think im rational right now. Any advice on your perspective of this relationship would help. Thank you very much for reading my long post have a good night.

[Apollo4]

Hey Man,

I know its "Easier said then done", but move on. Care about yourself! Don't think of her or Corey, even though he seems like a jerk. Don't walk down the path of what might be.

 

Just focus on healing yourself and do things you want to do. Now you can hang out with friends or make advancements in your job.

 

Don't worry about either of them.

 

Remember just look out for number one, YOU!

[Exchange]

Wow that sounds really rough, but judging from what she said to you when she broke it off and her talking to Corey...sounds like she emotionally cheated. But I can't prove that.

 

Since you said you didn't want to get married until 5 years, it seems to me she wanted it sooner and I wouldn't be surprised if she was trying to look for someone who was quicker in being married (Notice how you brought that up 4 months ago, just at the time she was talking to Corey..however I may be looking into this coincedence much).

 

From what you said in your post, you sound like a genuine guy who would do anything to support his girlfriend and in the future a family. However she doesn't appreciate or even respect that. She doesnt seem to be the understanding type, considering you had to work long hours to keep a roof over both your heads.

 

I know you want her back, but don't you feel you deserve someone who is as just as supportive and loving as you are?

 

What was the rush with her in marriage? Why didn't she want to be patient about it? Obviously you were looking longterm with her, and if she did love you she would wait on it. (I got out of a relationship because the girl just had to get married, as if it was to solidify the love I had for her. True love shouldn't be bound just because a ring is on your finger).

 

There's alot of different things that may have triggered her to leave, didn't feel adequate enough to be with you, but above all does not deserve the love you were bringing to her.

 

If she is this reckless with your heart, you shouldn't have to put up with it.

[mercurial100]

I can relate to the facebook bit. My girlfiend had a case of GIGS (grass is greener) but unlike you we had been able to form a stable relationship with no break-ups. It was completetly out of the blue and I started to stalk her facebook and check her phone. Low and behold the same name cropped up, the same person commented on everything she did - the same person even helped her move out of my apartment (just a friend, the only one with a van, apparently)

 

It's one of the hardest things to do but you have to try and stop beating yourself up about what she may or may not have done. The bottom line is that, unfortunately, your relationship seems to be over. Whether she is seeing Corey or not, whether they are just friends or she has broken up with you to be with Corey makes no difference. The bottom line is you have broken up, the why's don't really matter and whatever you find out won't change that.

 

It took me a while (and I am by no means over my ex) to realise that whatever I do, however much I stalk her and whatever I find out won't change the bottom line. She's gone, we move on and by going completely NC I am no longer putting myself through the torture.

 

You seem to have done the hard part already, you have stood your ground, you are not going to be heartbroken again and I admire you for that.

 

I always seem to post this quote....It helps me but things into perspective.

 

Albert Einstein once said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

[epicurean]

Thanks. Unfortunately I am heartbroken again... Of course she breaks up with me and puts the blame on me which makes it that much tougher. She knows that if/when she does start dating guys again i will be hurt... but it seems as if whats more important to her is that i am still around waiting for her so she doesn't have to mourn the loss of me. Love is so unfair.:splat:

 

When I was linked to her facebook finding out about Corey it stated "sometimes, its not about what you do but its about what you don't do that makes a difference.":splat:

 

I'm so over relationships for a while but its real hard to come home to a dark empty house, not say a word all night till I fall asleep, then wake up in the morning and go right back to work... mercurial that einstein quote... thats how I feel about my life right about now... LOL. how depressing.

[somberchic]

HOnestly, if my boyfriend told me that he doesn't see marriage until 5 years later, I would do exactly the same thing and leave the relationship too. You see, for a woman, we have a biological clock inside us. That does not mean that we are desperate. We are just being mindful. Because we could waste another 5 years hoping that you'll propose...and there is still no gaurantee...Or we can look for someone else who knows exactly what he wants. Just my two cents.

[Exchange]

HOnestly, if my boyfriend told me that he doesn't see marriage until 5 years later, I would do exactly the same thing and leave the relationship too. You see, for a woman, we have a biological clock inside us. That does not mean that we are desperate. We are just being mindful. Because we could waste another 5 years hoping that you'll propose...and there is still no gaurantee...Or we can look for someone else who knows exactly what he wants. Just my two cents.

 

But what if you loved that other person though? Would it matter if you were married or not? You don't have the patience to wait another 3 years?

 

I'd like to see what other women would chime in on this.

[FrenchFries]

It's just a difference in how women and men think. What he says makes sense in a way, but think about it - by then they will have been dating for 9 years. Some will say it's no biggie, but to others it is. I personally would not just date someone for NINE years. That is a very long time and who's to say that those goals will be met 5 years from now? Me personally, as long as the guy isn't a bum, I don't care if he's all set to go when I marry him. Pay the bills on time and keep a stable job and I'm good. Some say if she loved him it wouldn't matter, but reverse that and take it the other direction. If he loves her then why wait. He's already taking care of her, they already live together. And for whoever said what's the rush - she's 28 and they've already been dating for 4 years. I don't see a rush there. By the time they got married if she were to have her way it would be a total of 6. They aren't 19, 20, 21...they are nearly 30.

 

Anyway OP, I'm sorry for your loss. She's right though - the two of you have different ideas. Maybe she will go out there and find out it's not all it's cracked up to be and come back and wait out another 5 years or so. OR it may all just be an excuse to exit the relationship. I personally would be leery of someone who kept breaking up with me, especially if there weren't any real issues.

 

If you aren't ready for marriage, you just aren't. No one's at fault here IMO.

[epicurean]

Yeah well I would have been ready to marry her sooner if we both had contributed financially into the relationship as partners. If we had a plan together to save money for our future and a family. I confronted her about making a plan and she said "things never go as planned so why even plan?" would always watch the wedding channel, platinum weddings such and such it really bothered me to know how lavish other people were and she would compare me to them. She would rather go out with her friends on weekend nights come home real late. She would spend her money instead of saving. Of course I was rarely invited out with her friends. Sometimes I felt her social life was more important to her.

 

Shes is totally irresponsible with her finances. She was just hired in an entry level position and now she wants to give up on paying her student loans. She doesn't care about her credit score anymore... I want a partner not a dependent. I feel as if shes been so dependent on me that i feel used. That is why I don't want to get married just yet. I wanted to give her and myself time to advance in our careers so that things would be easier and we could live a comfortable life with our family but no... as soon as she got her new job she left me.

 

I totally understand why she wants kids and marriage because she is not getting younger. She understood that I was not ready for marriage. I feel her independence was the only thing that would let me know shes the "right one".

She left me 2 times before and who is to say she won't pack up and leave divorcing me. I went to therapy after our first breakup and have been going since. I knew something was not right the way I felt after she had left me. How easy it was for her break up, blame me and totally destroy my self worth.

 

Throughout our relationship I found out things about her family. Her father is an alcoholic and a deadbeat. Mother worked very hard and she finally divorced him the day her youngest child turned 18. She packed up and left her children with the alcoholic father who now struggles to support himself and grown children with welfare. Hes always asking to borrow money never has he helped them out with student loans or stuff like that. He told my ex just find a guy and get married school is a waste. She decided otherwise and went to school. She also told me stories about her mother cheating on her father. She would come home to catch the mother in bed with random guys. It devastated my ex but she did not tell her father. My therapist thinks that there is a good chance she will do the same thing to me if we get married. She will resent me for working so hard and never being around to be attentive to her. I have much more to lose if we get married with kids and things end up in a divorce. I have financial assets, and most importantly my dignity and self worth.

 

Everyone. What friends I have left, my therapist, my mother tell me shes not good for me. Its so hard for me to let go. I love her very much and I only want the best for her. I hope she finds the right guy that will take care of her the way she wants to be. Better than I did. Shes had a tough life and lots of personal/family issues but she admits ever since meeting me she has changed for the better.

 

The whole Corey thing well I take that real personal. The women probably don't see it the same way. I personally could not date someone for a while. At least heal first and then start dating. Its only fair to the new relationship, and out of respect for the ex. But I guess when the time is ticking that goes out the window.

[FrenchFries]

I wouldn't want to marry someone I had to take care of either, assuming they are totally capable of helping out with finances. From what you say it sounds like you have dodged a big fat bullet. In time you will see although it hurts right now. Hang in there.

[epicurean]

She makes very little money and most of it goes to her student loans, what is left over she spends going out with friends.

[epicurean]

Lots has happened in several weeks. I decided to tell her lets get married!!! I want a family and kids in the very near future this is what I wanted and I had my mind set. She then goes on to tell me how she doesn't know and she needs to think because she thinks I am doing this out of fear. She says let me think about it she needs time and space because she felt like during our relationship we were roommates, we lost connection, and basically she detached herself from me after she found out I wasn't look to get married soon.

 

So she calls me the next day and says I have to tell you something. I am seeing somebody. I was really surprised. I asked her who it was she wouldn't tell me. She says she needs some time a few weeks to break it off with him. She says she feels guilty and that she does really love me.

 

The weekend goes by and then she tells me that she needs to be alone by herself for a while. She cut it off with the new guy and she wants to be happy just alone so she can heal. Apparently she was very hurt by me during the end of our relationship.

 

That same day I get a message online from one of her friends Kat(who introduced my ex to Corey) that she wanted to hang out. I replied, that she had broken up with me and she is seeing someone new.

 

At this point I had to ask her if it was COREY. Kat then asked me to call her she has something to tell me. She tells me Corey and her have been hanging out lately and she does not like it. She wanted to know when she had broken up with me because she was mad at Corey and my ex.

 

So I end up talking to her friend for over an hour on the phone about my ex. Supposedly my ex was saying really hurtful things about me to them for years.. since before I met them. Not much positive stuff at all. I found out her history and that she was extremely promiscuous before we had met and after she had broken up with me after our first anniversary.

 

So up till this morning i was still in contact with my ex and shes still saying she needs some time to heal before she considers a new relationship with me. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I confronted her about Corey, I confronted her about the things she said about me to Kat, i confronted her about how she was promiscuous after breaking up with me and I questioned why she ever came back in the first place when i asked her not to EVER contact me because I was so hurt the first time.

 

She got enraged that I was talking to Kat! She basically never wanted to speak to me again saying that I never loved her in the first place to even consider what Kat is telling is true. She is saying Kat is vindictive and just lying about everything. She now considers us OVER, DONE. Before she logs out of chat she tells me if I want to be in her life I can never be friends or associate with Kat ever again. This confused the hell out of me...

 

I am just blown away by this whole thing... the things Kat was telling me about her history some of it i already knew. Most of it, at least the most hurtful parts I never knew.

 

I was living with someone for 3.5 years and I didn't even really know the person. Thats how I feel. I am at a loss for words.

 

Any body have opinions? This is all just a little bit too much for me to process right now.

[epicurean]

I am so sad right now I just can't move on... I don't know why now its just worse than before. Before i knew she was with someone new. Before she gave me hope of reconcilliation... I am broken.

[iBroken]

Sorry - how old are you guys?

[epicurean]

I am 29 she is 28

[Anotherday]

But what if you loved that other person though? Would it matter if you were married or not? You don't have the patience to wait another 3 years?

 

I'd like to see what other women would chime in on this.

 

Big difference between another two or five years. I'd wait another two, not five.

[Anotherday]

I am so sad right now I just can't move on... I don't know why now its just worse than before. Before i knew she was with someone new. Before she gave me hope of reconcilliation... I am broken.

 

Kat could be lying. And if she is, I understand your ex's reaction.

[iBroken]

Big difference between another two or five years. I'd wait another two, not five.

 

 

I was gonna say - I could see waiting 5 years if you guys were like 23, 24, but 28 & 29 is a long deal.......

 

Unfortunately, it sounds like her mind is made up, so all you can do is respect that and let her go

 

The pain will ease over time.

[Ms Darcy]

Big difference between another two or five years. I'd wait another two, not five.

 

Kat could be lying. And if she is, I understand your ex's reaction.

 

I was gonna say - I could see waiting 5 years if you guys were like 23, 24, but 28 & 29 is a long deal.......

 

Unfortunately, it sounds like her mind is made up, so all you can do is respect that and let her go

 

The pain will ease over time.

 

Agreed. Agreed. Agreed.

[epicurean]

Ok so she called me yesterday late at night and before she said anything to me I apologized as sincerely as I could about considering what Kat said to me because all the stuff that Kat was telling me was extremely hurtful to me in my eyes. I couldn't see myself telling a friend such hurtful information during a break up because it would do them more harm then good and if it was for someone I cared I could not do it, therefore I questioned Kat's honesty and motives.

 

My ex and I talked for almost an hour and a half. In the beginning I was talking about how I was moving on with my life and how we just were not working out and its just great to be friends because thats how it was before. I told her all the great things that have been going on in my life recently, new friends I made, old friends I reconnected with, etc etc.

 

She then started talking to me about our old relationship and questioned me why I wanted to get married to her. Why things fell apart and why she had to break up with me for me to change my mind about marrying and giving forth more effort in keeping our relationship healthy. She was really getting emotional I could hear her voice, she was on the verge of crying. I gave her the straightest answer I could. That I was so stressed out from work, supporting both of us, conflicting work hours, and most of all just a lack of communication. I told her it was one of the biggest regrets in my life bar none. I made a mistake. I reminded her of the years we were madly in love. How we could not be apart not one day. I reminded her specific moments of fun that we had that I could never forget.

 

She seemed real confused. She started saying " I don't know, what if I come back and things don't change?". I can't go through with the ordeal of breaking up with you again it was too much.

 

I replied we just need some time. I need to move on and live my life and grow as a person. I learned lots of lessons throughout my relationship with you and I regretted so much. Mistakes I would never make again.

 

She then tells me she needs to go to sleep and will talk to me later. She also mentioned how she felt strange having this conversation with me after everything happened yesterday. I agreed and told her good night.

 

I do not plan on calling her. I deleted her number. I removed her from facebook, gmail chat any means of contacting her I got rid of. I need to heal and just be happy without her.

 

I remember Kat told me she talked to Corey after they resolved their issue. Corey asked Kat if I was trying to get back with her recently.

 

So this guy has no clue I was trying to get back with her and marry her. On a contradictory note; My ex told me she discussed everything that is going on with this guy and that he actually feels bad for me because hes been there himself... That is why they are taking it "easy" getting to know each other first.:splat:

 

I'm still weary of my ex... Oh and another thing. Less than an hour after I removed my ex from facebook her friend sends me a message saying she knows what happened between us and she hopes for the best between both of us. She then goes on to say if I need to chat, hangout, or rant to her don't hesitate... Strange because I think my ex told her to write me. Ex was mad because I removed her, and kept kat on my facebook. My ex questioned me during our phone call why I deleted her facebook and not kat's. How would she know if I removed her from my facebook?

 

So this is all just too much to handle for me. I have my career... my life... my friends... a bright future. I'm young, ambitious, not a bad looking fellow, and most importantly I am a compassionate loving person.

 

Although I plan on never calling her or answering her phone calls something inside of me kind of wishes I could hold her again, have her in my arms.... This is so tough. This is such a hard thing for me to do. Any insight, advice guys?

[epicurean]

She text messaged me today saying she missed my dog. I did not reply. This is very hard to do. I don't know what i should do.

[FootofGod]

She text messaged me today saying she missed my dog. I did not reply. This is very hard to do. I don't know what i should do.

 

That's insulting ."I miss your dog?" What the hell? She misses your dog and not you? I'm sorry but I think you had it right when you said you really didn't know this person. Maybe she was trying most of your relationship to be someone she wasn't but it sounds like you know who she truly is under all that.

 

I'm sorry, I just can't get over that... "I miss your dog." That would make me never want to talk to that person again.

[epicurean]

She loved my bulldog raised her together as a puppy. Yes that is pretty insulting i was thinking the same thing. I can't be friends with her because i still want her back. I can't be friends. I hate how painful this is. Its like shes got some sort of spell on me.

[FootofGod]

She loved my bulldog raised her together as a puppy. Yes that is pretty insulting i was thinking the same thing. I can't be friends with her because i still want her back. I can't be friends. I hate how painful this is. Its like shes got some sort of spell on me.

 

You got it, though, you can't be friends with her. I think of it this way - my ex couldn't or wouldn't give me what I wanted from her because it wasn't what she wanted - a loving relationship. But she wanted friendship and our closeness. Unfortunately, that is something that, likewise, I cannot give to her because it wasn't waht I wanted. See, both of us want different things from the other, and at this point neither of us is willing to settle, so there just can't be a compromise and nothing is the outcome. It's actually a very interesting outcome. I'm kind of a math geek, so my head spins with game theory and how, if both partners were willing, they could have more, but because of personal interest, they end up taking significantly less. That's the breakdown, though - you both want something the other cannot give without hurting themselves, so nothing is what you get for now. But that nothing is painful to them most of the time, rather or not they want to admit it.

[epicurean]

So I guess its in my best interest to ignore her? What did you do? What was the outcome?