Need Help Taking First Step to Break Up

[nobelle]

Hi there. New here, I hope in time I can give some helpful advice…

 

Right now I am realizing I really need to break up with my boyfriend, and I am having trouble doing it. I care deeply about him, and there are lot of good things about our relationship, but there are a lot of not so good things about it, too. The biggest thing right now is I really feel we are holding each other back.

 

One big problem in our relationship is his drinking. He tends to binge when he drinks and then he turns into a very obnoxious person. I can put up with it, but not when it's every weekend, and sometimes during the week. And I definitely won't put up with abusive. One time after drinking heavily he said some verbally abusive things and I left. When he sobered up and remembered, he apologized, and I told him it could never happen again.

 

To his credit, it hasn't, but he won't stop drinking - he refuses to see it is a problem. Every time he does, I get a little scared wondering if it will happen again.

 

So that is a red flag. But even if he weren't abusing alcohol, I think I would still want to end things. I know when you love someone, you forgive the little annoying things about them. I don't expect perfection; we are all human and we all have our flaws, those should be the best part. Lately I don't find myself forgiving. There are things he does that will never change and I can not stand them. I think he really deserves to be with with someone who is more patient, or does not find these things annoying.

 

What else. We never say "I love you" anymore. We rarely make love.

 

We never have deep conversations. I don't feel a real, emotional connection with him. Not like I have had with previous boyfriends. I think this is what is the worst part for me. I have really tried.

 

Whenever I do try to talk to him about emotional things, he just throws up this wall. I have stopped trying because I know we won't get anywhere. We don't even talk about how we hardly make love because I know it's pointless. With previous boyfriends it would have been so easy to have a conversation about it.

 

One big reason we're not having sex as often is because he doesn't make me feel loved. He is never romantic, despite me asking for romance in many different ways - from small hints to being completely direct. I don't nag at all, and I have given him plenty of time to make an effort without bringing it up again, but he never has. It is clear he is uncomfortable expressing emotions, but I have come to realize this is something I need in a relationship.

 

I have tried to break up with him before but he talked me out of it. We talked about all the things I've said here, all the things that have made me unhappy in this relationship already. It's not like I haven't tried. I've tried so hard. He tried for a few weeks after that talk and then it was same old, same old. Yadda yadda yadda.

 

Part of me wishes he would change, which is why I think I am having trouble doing this. I need to accept that he won't. And the bigger part of me doesn't even want him to. He should be himself and find someone who appreciates him for who he is. But I deserve that, too! And staying in this stagnant relationship is keeping us from finding that someone...

 

Despite everything I've put here, he is a good guy. We talk almost every day, even though it is superficial. He's still the first person I go to about everything. The romantic love is gone, but I know we care deeply for each other. I am afraid of the big fat emotional hole that will be left when it happens. But we're just not right for each other.

 

So I'm having trouble just doing it. It was so hard having that first break-up conversation, I don't know if I can do it again. Just writing this has been helpful, but I could use some kind of motivation in taking that step. I know HOW to break up (quiet, relatively secluded place with no significance, etc), but, just getting there, mentally, is the hardest part.

 

Any advice, or similar stories is appreciated. Just putting this out there has been a big help. Perhaps tomorrow I will reread it and it will really hit me. Thanks to anyone who read this whole thing.

[somberchic]

Breaking up is a very hard thing to do, but settling for less is even harder. Pull the plug and follow through with your decision. He might promise you the world, yadda yadda...that he'll change--but only to revert back to being a jerk. I dated my ex for 6 years...he was such a jerk and he had a drinking problem too! Everytime I tried to break up with him, I always took him back after some time...I guess loneliness kicked in and his negative behaviors faded with time...but that got me no where and I lost 6 years of my life because of this. So don't make the same mistake I made! You deserve happiness!

[StandTall]

You sound incredibly insightful and welll balanced. There is a battle taking place between your head and your heart, and your head knows best. My ex was an alcoholic TRAINWRECK, yet I still loved and cared about her and hoped she would change. We went back and forth in attempts to break up and reconcile, and in the end, she found someone new and I never called her again. I am now coming to terms that the was no good for me and that I need to find happiness within myself, not in another. It has been two months and I still find myself crying every now and then, but I am starting to feel better. It has been a long and painful road, and I am still traveling it. I wish you the best of luck.

[nobelle]

Thank you so much for your replies, somberchic and StandTall. I really appreciate it. I wish the best of luck to you two as well!