Heartbroken and would like another chance with her

[Strawbridge]

Ok I have posted on this site before about 8 months ago.

 

I was extremely cut up about a girl...my story is on here somewhere. But the new story is as follows.

 

I met a girl (call her B)while I was still pining over the last one (whom I wrote about previously- call her girl A). She was a work colleague of one of my friends. He decided to take me out for a drink to get my mind off of girl A and had invited girl B along, not to set me up...but just because she had recently moved to the country and thought she would enjoy going out. Anyway me and girl b got along quite well. No real sparks or anything but she was having guy problems at that moment as well so we both had humorous relationship talks.

 

Anyway after that night I was still pining over girl A and didn't see girl B again for another month when she invited me out for the day with some of her friends. Anyway fast forward a few weeks and me and girl B started hanging out more as friends..giving each other support..trying to take our minds off the exes etc. One night we kissed and the next night slept together. This was totally out of character for her as she only has ever slept with guys she was in a relationship with. I was honest with her from the start tho and said that I wasn't ready for a relationship. This was december last year.

 

Anyway as the months went on we started doing more couple things but we werent and official couple. However both of us weren't looking at anyone else during this stage so I guess you could argue that we were.

 

To be honest I never really treated her right. She would initiate all the contact, she would organise going out for dinner, she would pick me up to take me out, she would surprise me. I missed her birthday, I was meant to go camping with her but didn't....yes I was not emotionally there for her. But to be honest I never really thought of her as my girlfriend.

 

It wasn't all bad tho....she told me that when we first met I supported her through some tough times in her life and I was an amazing friend to her

 

Just 2 weeks ago she ended it....I was devastated. This overwhelming pain came over me...like what I have I done? Have I just had the most awesome girl under my nose the whole time and haven't noticed it. I feel physically sick at the moment and cannot get the idea out of my head that she was the most awesome girl ever and i'm never going to meet another girl like her.

 

When she ended it I just blurted out that I loved her and that I've been a fool. She said she would think about it. I wrote her a love letter asking her to give me a second chance and put rose petals in the envelope. She said its the most beautiful letter she has ever received, but she can't give me a second chance.

 

She admitted that she was in love with me from the moment she met me but didn't want to tell me because she knew I wasn't ready to meet someone.

 

The reasons for her not giving me a second chance are:

1) I had 6 months to tell her how I felt and I didn't

2) If she got back with me she would be angry and me and end up resenting me if it didn't work out.

3) She doesn't want to have the possibility of missing out on something else if she gives us a shot again.

 

She admitted that she was so in love with me and her heart always fluttered when she saw me and that it was hurting to see that I never showed that same affection back and that over the last 2 months she has started to almost hate me.

 

She told me 2 nights ago when she spoke again that she is still attracted to me and still thinks i'm a special person to her, but she doesn't get that fluttered feeling in her heart anymore.

 

Now my question is why wouldn't she give me a 2nd chance.?.. i don't believe her reasons. I want to take her out on a 1st date..a proper date because we never had one. We have nothing to lose by giving it a chance, if it doesn't work out we'll just be in the same boat as we are now so there's really nothing to lose isn't there.

 

I truly believe that if we were labelled as a couple I would have treated her as an absolute princess but because I wasn't sure what exactly we were I didn't treat her the way she deserved to be treated...I just want to make her happy and its killing me right now..almost in tears as i'm writing this. I just feel like I screwed up the one chance in my life of meeting someone as awesome as her and its all my fault..i know that now.

 

She still wants to be friends....she's still organising stuff for us to do in the future like "we should go to this place" etc.Do I take this as a sign that there's still hope? Do i hang out with her as a friend and show her that I can do all those things that I didn't do before and hope that she fell in love with me once before she can do it again?

 

Please help. I'm at a loss at the moment.

[staircase]

I don't know...from a (possibly disgruntled) female perspective, this has the feel of going after her for the chase. What attributes have you even stated here that define her as this great catch? You seem to spend more time dwelling on how much she loved you. And why only now realize this, when she is moving on?

 

In terms of help, I guess putting it into perspective would be good. You seem to meet girls easily enough, and there is no way you've lost all chance of finding someone special. I would respect whatever decision she makes, and carefully consider your own motivations for wanting her...and take it from there.

[Strawbridge]

Staircase.....I guess I never really knew or was blind to the fact that she loved me in that way. I know my story isn't written well, but that is because I was fighting back tears as I was writing it.

 

I guess when she was in front of me I was thinking that it didn't feel like she was "the one"....but what if "the one" doesn't exist? I've never had that feeling of being head over heals for someone and i'm 31 and have been in numerous relationships.

 

I know i screwed up with her I really did...but i'm not a bad guy. Everyone i meet thinks that i'm the nicest guy in the world. But in all honesty with her I was selfish (i'm not normally a selfish guy) and only saw her when it was convenient for me. I don't know why I did these things, i can't explain it..its completely out of character for me. Ijust want her to see the real me..the me that wants her back and would do anything for her.

 

I guess what i'm trying to say is, does that feeling of fireworks/"the one" etc exist? because i'm yet to feel it and this is the closest i've been to feeling it. I'm not sure why I didn't feel it before when she was in front of me.

 

As for her attributes.....the one that stands above anything else is that she is the nicest, most beautiful person. She puts others before herself and I find this to be the most amazing quality that I have not experienced with any other girlfriends before. And this is so attractive to me. Its almost like I would happily spend the rest of my life with her knowing that there are other girls I could have greater sparks with just because she has this quality and they don't.

 

I know i'm sounding like an absolute douche at the moment but i'm finding it hard to express myself in words.

[Strawbridge]

Does anyone know if asking forgiveness in a situation like this (a relationship where i took her for granted because I wasn't sure what I wanted till it was too late) helps a possible chance of reconcilliation. She has asked for space and time because she reckons the last time we met just last monday was too sad for her. She says that everytime it rains she thinks of me...so i'm guessing the signs are there that she still cares for me and has feelings for me but had to break up for whatever reason she thought was correct.

 

I just want to know whether I should give her space for a while or first ask for forgiveness then give her space. Because I realized in the letter i sent her I asked her to give me a second chance but didn't ask for her foregiveness.

[FootofGod]

Does anyone know if asking forgiveness in a situation like this (a relationship where i took her for granted because I wasn't sure what I wanted till it was too late) helps a possible chance of reconcilliation. She has asked for space and time because she reckons the last time we met just last monday was too sad for her. She says that everytime it rains she thinks of me...so i'm guessing the signs are there that she still cares for me and has feelings for me but had to break up for whatever reason she thought was correct.

 

I just want to know whether I should give her space for a while or first ask for forgiveness then give her space. Because I realized in the letter i sent her I asked her to give me a second chance but didn't ask for her foregiveness.

 

It definitely HELPS, but I don't know to what extent. And, come on guy, there is no "the one." There are several "ones" who you could end up spending your life with, but do you really think a lot of the population fine 1 person out of 6 billion to be "the one?" It should like never happen with those odds. There is no "one" at all. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to miss out on a good thing, but stop the chase. Let A and B go and just kind of get on with life and see what happens. If you take care of yourself, you'll get what you need out of life.

[jenna-is-here]

She admitted that she was in love with me from the moment she met me but didn't want to tell me because she knew I wasn't ready to meet someone.

 

The reasons for her not giving me a second chance are:

1) I had 6 months to tell her how I felt and I didn't

2) If she got back with me she would be angry and me and end up resenting me if it didn't work out.

3) She doesn't want to have the possibility of missing out on something else if she gives us a shot again.

 

 

I call BS on all three of the above reason. None of the reasons truly make sense if you really love someone. Either she loves you and embraces your response of wanting to be with her OR she does not love you. If I love someone, I want to be with them. PERIOD.

 

I think one of two things:

 

1. Either she is waiting for you to "come after her" and in a sense that will prove to her how into her you are but there is a fine line you dont want to cross here (too much pushing). Also, the risk is you may alienate the friendship.

 

2. She was really into you and either her feelings changed OR she has interest in someone else. If this is the case, you can do some "pushing" but probably not to the extent of if her reason was #1 above.

 

Also, about HER#2 - why would she be angry with you? And why would she resent you if it didnt work out? Relationships are a risk. There is no guarantee your friendship will work out now that you have ventured into these waters, so why cant she try the relationship.

 

If you are relaying everything she said correctly, and heard her correctly, then I dont believe her.

[Strawbridge]

Jenna....if she is waiting for me to come after her then how come she says that she can't give me a 2nd chance. I wrote her that letter saying how much of an idiot I was in that I didn't realise what I had until it was too late. We've caught up twice since we broke up and I've told her that I want her as my girlfriend, for real this time.

I also know for a fact that she isn't interested in anyone else at the moment.

So what could her reason be for not wanting to give it a chance?

Any females out there no what the reason could be?

 

She said even tho she was in love with me she was quite hurt by the way i treated her, but still if I knew how she felt about me I would have treated her better.

 

Her friends all like me so I know the reason is not because of their influence. I just don't understand why she doesn't want to take the risk and give it a go...surely she can see that there is nothing to lose.

[Strawbridge]

also Jenna doesn't me writing the letter to her and telling her that I want her mean that I AM "coming after her"? Or is this still not classed as taking action. I mean I don't want to become a stalker or anything.

 

She told me that the letter was beautiful but they are just words.

 

I asked her out on date but she turned me down and said "that's fair enough that you want to take me on a date but what happens after that"?

[Skeptic76]

"that's fair enough that you want to take me on a date but what happens after that"?

 

 

I don't know, but I'd like to see.... Only one way to find out!

 

Then "assume the sale" and tell her where and when you will meet for your date.

[Strawbridge]

Skeptic.....tried that. I invited her via text to visit a mutual friend's baby this weekend who we both haven't seen yet...only because when I caught up with her last monday she suggested that we should go visit sometime.

 

Her response was "thankyou for thinking of me. I have to say no. I need some time. Please try to understand"

 

I'm Just so confused and hurt at the moment...it seems like I have a chance

with her I just need to say or do the right thing to get her to give me that 2nd chance.

 

But i also don't want to hold on to false hope. Funny thing is the hope..even tho it may be false is what makes me feel better and not want to burst into tears every 5 mins.

[jenna-is-here]

 

She said even tho she was in love with me she was quite hurt by the way i treated her, but still if I knew how she felt about me I would have treated her better.

 

This is what I dont understand - technically, were you dating? It souded more like friends with benefits. She allowed herself in that situation so what is she all wound up about?

 

Do you think she *heard* something about you she didnt like from a friend or something. Something that wasnt in good character?

 

Can you CALL her (not text) and tell her not to have plans on Saturday, you are taking her out (on a date), and you will pick her up at 8?

 

If not, then TELL HER at some point (not the same conversation as the date call) that you dont like the outcome, it isnt what you would want but you will respect her wishes and pull back. Then MAKE HER MISS YOU.

 

Also, the "its only words" thing bugs me. Does she want action after action from you for reassurance that you are *really* into her (think Richard Gere at the end of Pretty Woman? - you may be too young)?

 

I wouldnt play the game too long. I would have a final conversation with her about how you feel, and tell her if she turns you down, you dont like it but will respect that. The back down, pull away a bit and make her miss you (I say it again).

 

I dont think you need to PROVE anything because you didnt mess up (you were not dating). Also, I think when she says that part about but how do I know how the relationship is going to turn out, she wants reassurance she will not get hurt. How can you know how the relationship is going to turn out. The only fair response I can think of is that you will do everything in your power not to hurt her.

 

I am just rambling because I feel she is beating around the bush - I just want her to say what she wants bluntly....YES I WANT TO DATE BUT IM SCARRED IT WILL BE LIKE BEFORE. WE CAN TRY BUT HOW CAN YOU SHOW ME RIGHT NOW I WONT GET HURT. Hmmm, just speculating about what is going on in her head.

 

If she didnt say she loved you, I would be telling you to move on.

[Ms Darcy]

I hope I don't sound harsh with you, but it's amazing to me how you can even ask why she wouldn't give you a second chance after all that you wrote. You treated her like crap. No, you didn't hit her or abuse her, but you let her down time and time again. Not just once or twice but for months and months. You were unreliable and you let her do everything for you. You were lazy my friend.

 

Why isn't she giving you a second chance? Because you got a second chance during that time ... and a fifth chance ... and a 12th chance. You got chances every time she planned things, invited you out, and even when she spent time with you after you would bail on something.

 

I do not see any BS in what she says. She's spent 2 months resenting you - that's long enough for feelings to change. Now that's she is at the point of saying that she deserves better and she should move on, you want to pull her back in. She DOES have something to lose ... time, self-respect, energy. I would say if her 'flutter' is gone, you are more likely to get bitterness from her than the love you got before because now it's your job to 'prove' it to her. And be sure that the tables will indeed turn. She might be hard and unreliable while you are loving and kind.

 

Maybe something can develop down the road when the feelings of resentment clear, but for now you need to suffer this loss. It's a bad idea trying to get with someone when the emotions are running so high in opposite directions. Good luck!

[jenna-is-here]

I am confused, you refer to her a "friend" that you did couple things with. It sound like the two of you had two different views of what was going on.

 

1. YOU - thought you were hanging casually, no strings, going wtih the flow, not monogomous even though I understand there was no one else

 

2. SHE - thought you were a couple, dedicated, monogomous, exclusive.

 

If that is the case, you were both functioning under a different set of rules. Was there no communication about how you "defined" your friendship during that time.

 

I feel like you were friends that segued into more and you are now in trouble for not pulling out guns and going full steam ahead at the time she wanted you to.

[Skeptic76]

I feel ya, dude. Everything will run its course, this too shall pass, time heals all wounds...all the platitudes in the world won't help - but they're trite and time-tested because they're true.

 

But if you want the chance, take her at face value, bro. GIVE HER THE SPACE. Not that you want to play games with her, but respect her wishes and let her wonder "what the heck is he up to?" for a little while, no?

[Strawbridge]

MS darcy...yes a harsh reply but probably the truth. I was lazy, unthoughtful, I mean to not even get her a card on her birthday is a cardinal sin. But i'm trying to understand why I did it. This is so out of character for me....i'm one of the nicest guys in the world. The week of her birthday I was having some personal problems in fact I have been seeing a psychiatrist since before I met her and she has always known about it and I guess a birthday just got in the way or something..i don't know... I was stupid.

 

I know there is no magic answer to get them back, but its like I want to hear anything at the moment to make me feel better. I also feel upset because of the way I treated her and I don't like it when I'm rude or mean to people...I'm one of those people who always tries making people happy and wants everybody to like me.

 

There are so many things I missed out in my initial story because I was upset when I wrote it.

 

Here's a short rehash....We started out as friends with benefits (something she's never done before....and she's 31). I didn't want to get involved at the time because I was still upset about my previous breakup and didn't want to get involved straight away with her because I thought it would have been unfair on her. She knew what she was getting into but apparently she loved me from the start.

 

Now apparently (according to her) I should have picked up on the signs that she liked me from the start..yes now i can see that they were pretty obvious, but at the time I didn't see them or chose to ignore them or something. Obviously my feelings for her grew as time went on and hers went the other way.

 

I forgot to add in the initial story that when she broke up with me she did it via text message (because according to her she was too upset to do it face to face) and that the reason was she had just been at her friends kid's birthday party and realised thats what she wants (i.e. kids within the next few years )and because she's 31 thinks times running out. I'm guessing she thought that because I only saw our relationship as FWB then there was no chance with me.

 

So why then when I tell her that I want to give a proper relationship a go she turns me down. She want give me a chance because she said she doesn't have the time. But who's to say she doesn't meet someone else for another 3 years then they have to get married before they think about kids in which case she'll be 34 or something..so surely this can't be the reason.

 

To me it seems giving us a chance as BOYFRIEND and GIRLFRIEND is a win-win situation. Hey it might not work out...but isn't that the risk you take and at least we can say we gave it a shot.

 

I don't know there's been so many great replies on here and thanks to everyone who has replied but i feel like a big part of me is missing now that she's gone....not only have I lost a potiential partner/girlfriend/future wife but she has been an amazing friend the whole time and I also miss that. I also don't understand why I didn't want to give it a go when i had the chance months ago....why do I feel all these emotions now?

 

So now I don't know whether to give it one last crack and tell her that its worth a shot again and then give her space, or ask for her forgiveness for the way I treated her then give her space, or to just simply give her space without saying anything more.

 

I have a friend who got his girlfriend back after they had been together for 2 years. He pretty much didn't take NO for an answer and hounded her and told her that she was wrong and that they do belong together and even made her cry and refuse to answer his phone calls etc. It took 9 months but they did get back together. Now they are getting married in september after 7 years.

 

Still I could take this same approach with her and it might piss her off to the extent that she never wants to hear from me again.

[Ms Darcy]

I really don't know what to say here other than it does not speak well for you in her eyes to have very little empathy for her feelings about moving on. You keep insisting why it's a win-win even though a thorough case for her not doing it has been laid out. But you are in denial ... so be it.

 

Why did you do it? Because you could. It doesn't have to be more complicated. And there are few people in the world who wouldn't at least question a sudden behavior change because she left. Now, when you are feeling rejected and alone you want her back? What you are feeling is at least as much the hormonal responses to a break-up as it is true love.

 

Give yourself time to keep thinking and good luck.