Ex-best friends Ex Husband... Confusion!

[Cjgradstudent]

I ran accross this site and thought that maybe someone could help me sort out the drama I've gotten myself into. Hope this isn't too confusing!

 

Up until last year, I was best friends with a girl I will refer to as K. We had been extremely close for about 10 years. There have been a lot of issues that put a strain on our friendship the past few years and I was never quite able to get over them. For instance, a couple years ago I was with her at a party and after she went inside to go to bed I was raped. That night (after I told her) she took me back to her house and left me crying in the bathtub while she went to spend the night at her boyfriends house. I would basically say that we are barely friends at this point and we rarely ever talk.

 

A few years ago she married a guy, L. They were married for a couple months when she cheated on him with another guy. She got pregnant by the other guy. L still raised the child as his own for the first year, knowing it wasn't his child, until he found out that she was still cheating. They divorced and she moved away with the child to be with the other guy, who she then married as soon as the divorce was final. She admitted to me all the stuff that she did to him.

 

So I met L last year when he came to the town I live in (4 hours away) with her family. He was still friends with the family even though K and her child had moved away. We became friends and talked quite a bit over the last year. Last weekend I hung out with him all weekend when I was in his town. We had a lot of long talks and he told me that he "has a thing for me." At first I fought it... eventually I gave in. One thing led to another and we hooked up.

 

She has no idea that I even talk to her ex husband, much less anything else that happened. Him and I keep talking about how much we miss each other and he's coming to visit me next month. He is a genuinely good guy and it amazes me how he treats women after all the bs he was put through with her. He somehow makes me feel so special and for the first time in a long time I know that I can trust him based off of what I know from our friendship.

 

I know it's wrong what I've done and what I'm doing. At the same time, her and I barely have a friendship at this point and she was the one that completely messed up that marriage. I don't want to pass up a great guy because of her but I don't know what to do. I'm sure everyone will say I need to tell her, but honestly I don't want to do that.

 

Any input is appreciated. Thanks

[petite]

If the friendship is completely over and at the point where the two of you have no contact at all if could be okay. As much as I am not a fan of "dating a friends ex" she isn't a friend of yours, she mistreated him and he could be the one for you. Do you see yourself ever being friends with her? You need to weigh up the options, he is a guy and it could be the best thing that has happened to you or the worst. She was a friend for a long time and if you end up with her ex be prepared to never have her as a friend again. These are decisions only you can make. I get the feeling you're trying to ask i it is morally okay to date a friend's ex and if that is the case, we're all different.

[Citlali]

I really don't think there is a friendship here. I would tell her at some point simply because I'd like being open about it. You really have nothing to hide. But that's if you have contact with her--if you don't, though, and neither does he, then don't. It's not your duty to seek her out to tell her this. You guys are adults and living your own lives. I wouldn't be discouraged by the idea that she wouldn't ever be your friend again if she found out--I wouldn't want her as a friend. Anyone who can dump her supposed best friend in a tub after being raped instead of being there for her is no friend at all. You're better off without her. Don't miss out on possible happiness just because he was involved with her. You deserve happiness and if he can provide it, so be it. Neither one of you owes her anything, much less after how she treated you both.

 

Edit: I wouldn't ever reconnect with her again anyway, even if she were ok with your relationship with her ex. She's not worth it.

[lady_deer]

Firstly I want to say that I'm sorry for the difficult things that you have been through in the past. I applaud you for continuing to seek all that life has in store for you.

 

Like Petite said people (as well as situations) differ. What might be ok for some might not be for others. And where some people have the hard and fast rule that exes are off limits period, others might not agree.

 

I agree with Petite. While your relationship with L has gradually progressed over a year from friendship to possibly something more, your friendship with your ex best friend has deteriorated over a number of years. Yet you two are still in contact. Even though they were divorced, please recognise that if you decide to pursue a romantic relationship with this man you could stand to lose your friend. Granted your relationship is less than ideal. But, only you can determine which avenue is most likely to bring you the most happiness in the long term.

 

If you decide to go for a relationship with L you both need to be on the same page in terms of what you want out of it. You also need to be honest with yourself and make sure that there is no residual resentment on your part regarding your ex best friend. Basically, don't do it for the wrong reasons. Let it be because of how you feel about him.