Should I bother trying to reconcile?

[EER38]

I dated a girl for just under two years (most of it was long distance, we lived about 3 hours apart). I loved her deeply and still do, and I thought she did me as well.

 

Anyway, she tried to break up with me a couple of times within two or three months of us starting to date, citing how different we were and that we just weren't fitting. We had a long talk about this and she eventually agreed to stay with me.

 

After this, we had a really great year or so. Few arguments, good times, etc.

 

We started having a few problems after we had been dating for about a year and a half. I feel like most of them stemmed from a few times I picked dumb fights with her, basically for one of the following two reasons.

 

1. I got moody when she invited me to do something I didn't feel like doing...I didn't want to just say "no," because at the beginning, I knew our differences in interests were a big deal for her. So I'd go along with whatever she wanted to, but I wouldn't be happy about it.

 

2. I got moody sometimes when I felt like she wasn't paying enough attention to me or was concerned enough when I was upset about something.

 

This went on for about...a month or a month and a half. We had disputes over other things, too, but these were the two main things I was doing wrong.

 

Anyway, at this point she tries to break up with me, thinking I've become this depressed person that she couldn't be with. In my defense, I wasn't *constantly* in a bad mood with her. It was just that I found myself picking stupid fights with her more often for about a month or so. I had also been going through a few issues in my life (personal conflict with someone else, not substance abuse or anything like that) and that brought me down as well - I was thinking about my problems more than I should have been.

 

Anyhow, after a couple of hours of pleading, I convince her to stay, and I'm able to turn it around. I kept my promises to her and started to be happy again.

 

However, a few weeks later she tries to dump me yet again, saying this time it's mostly about our differences - she feels like our interests were too different and I could never be her "partner." This puzzled me, as by this point we had a year and a half of mostly good times. Anyway, I promise for about three hours to change a few things and embrace more of her interests, and again, she decides to stay.

 

Things are good for a few more months. She gets into school several states away and we move there together; however, just ten days after the move, she dumps me for good.

 

I kept thinking that the whole thing was my fault, that the times I was moody or down with her were the reasons. She said that they weren't, but I had a hard time believing her...I still do. She told me "your moodiness got better but you couldn't change who you are."

 

It was weird, we seemed to have a very loving relationship, and she kept sending me love notes and things right until the time we moved down.

 

There were other mistakes that I made (and that she did, too), but the only one I really, really regret is that month or so when I was rather moody with her.

 

I met her a few more times after we broke up...she kept insisting it wasn't my fault. In the end, she said we just didn't fit, we were just too different, and that she could have married me and been comfortable, but never would have really been happy. Strange...we were a really loving couple and had a great sex life and all that...but she said it hit her after we moved that she couldn't be with me anymore, and that there was just "something missing."

 

I even found a post she made on an online forum (accidentally) right before she tried to break up with me (the third time, when she was concerned about our differences again), saying how different we were. She was worried about those things, but NOT about my moodiness...so it leads me to believe her when she says it wasn't anything I did.

 

I should also say that even before that moody period of mine - about two months before - she talked about how she felt the relationship was losing its spark. At that point, we hadn't really been having problems as far as fights or acting badly - the relationship was just cooling off. I'm thinking that's ultimately what happened to our relationship, and me getting into bad moods was secondary.

 

She started dating someone else about a month after we broke up. I have no idea if they're still together, but if they are, it would be about 9 months for them.

 

I haven't spoken to her in about...seven months. I'm wondering if there could be any chance at reconciliation if I talk to her the right way.

 

I mean, it seems absurd. To top it all off, I'm moving 1,000 miles away for grad school in a couple of months and leaving my life here behind. Even if she did take me back, I don't know what we'd do.

 

Still, though, I miss her every day and I'd give just about anything to have her back.

 

So, do you think that we're done for good, or should I try to reach out to her? I don't understand why she'd just leave over our "differences." Besides that one month or so, I feel like they usually didn't keep us from enjoying our time together.

[livinginsbi]

The differences are bugging her more than you. You've tried and tried again.. I'd just let her go, unless you want to repeat this process over and over again, like you have been.

 

I think people need different interests.... for me, I don't want to be around someone 24/7..doing the same thing, all the time... but on the other hand some differences cause more problems than others. I know of a woman who wouldn't date a man because he is a vegetarian....but they shared meals together all the time as 'friends' ..go figure.

 

Don't miss out on other women who will share your like for diversity by pineing away over someone who has used that excuse repeatedly.

[savignon]

.... she eventually agreed to stay with me.

 

..... I'd go along with whatever she wanted to, but I wouldn't be happy about it.

 

...... at this point she tries to break up with me

 

....after a couple of hours of pleading, I convince her to stay

 

.... a few weeks later she tries to dump me yet again

......I promise for about three hours to change a few things and embrace more of her interests, and again, she decides to stay.

 

...... she dumps me for good.

 

....... she said we just didn't fit......and that there was just "something missing."

 

.......I'm wondering if there could be any chance at reconciliation if I talk to her the right way.

 

QUOTE]

 

I think you've summed it up pretty well. It's nothing you've done ...it just wasn't a match for her. It seems she tried to share that with you again and again and you couldn't let her go. I think this time it would be in your best interest (and certainly hers) to move on. You shouldn't have to spend inordinate ammounts of time to convince someone that you're not so bad or that things could get better or that you can change (or make promises to those effects). If someone wants out, let them go because it means there's someone better for YOU as well.

Best wishes.

[EER38]

Thanks so much for your responses.

 

The thing that still gets me is how she jumped to this conclusion over how different we were. She was under this impression one of the times she tried to dump me that we wouldn't be "active" enough if we stayed together.

 

She was more into nature and the outdoors than I was, but while we were together, we were out and about doing things more often than not. We did beach trips, bike rides, hiking trips, nature walks, etc, *most* of which I enjoyed.

 

I feel like it was just a few times I complained about these things that gave her this impression. I would hate for her to have left me over an incorrect impression. I sincerely wanted to do many of the things she wanted to do.

 

I don't know. Like I said, it was mostly during that 1-1.5 months that it really came out and I felt a little more resentful towards her, but other than that, we did things together all the time that we both seemed to enjoy.

 

I felt like I had proven myself to her.

 

Then again, is all this thinking for nothing? She dumped me and hasn't seemed to miss me. Is it just that she wasn't happy with the relationship as a whole, and not just a few of our differences or anything I did wrong?

 

It has been over 10 months and I'm still so confused. I know I was a good boyfriend to her but I still feel so guilty over the times I was moody with her.

[livinginsbi]

quit beating yourself up..... you tried and it wasn't good enough for her.. for whatever it is that she wants....I know you are feeling hurt and felt like you really tried.. and you did... but she doesn't appreciate it.. it's not enough for her.

 

Was it all for nothing? .. no.. you're gaining experience and you need to learn from this experience. Why do you want to be with someone that has broken up with you several times?

[EER38]

Thanks, you make a good point.

 

I guess it's tough because my ex was a very passive person and rarely gave me crap over stuff, so I feel like most of the mistakes were on my side of the table.

 

I suppose it probably isn't a good idea. I mean, she even told me, "This isn't fair to you, because if I took you back I'd just keep breaking your heart."

 

I started thinking about this because I was in a bookstore today and I saw a book on how to get an ex to come back, as if there's some magical formula for it. I started thinking it was just a few things I needed to do differently...

[livinginsbi]

be thankful she is being honest with you... and now move on.

[savignon]

The thing that still gets me is how she jumped to this conclusion over how different we were

I think she's trying to tell you she's not feeling it. Since it's hard to put a finger on "it", we make up stuff so that we have something to say because we don't want to hurt the other person and we also can't explain it adequately. Hence the expressions, "We're too different" or "It's not you...it's me". Some things are just matters of the heart and can't be put into words.

[EER38]

True...I mean, I'm actually hoping it's true that she just wasn't feeling it anymore, because I felt like she was the love of my life and I hate to think I lost her because of a few stupid things I said or did.

 

I mean - were we different people? Yes. We were quite different in interests, beliefs, and values. However, these things USUALLY did not seem to affect our relationship all that much. We had a few philosophical disputes and like I said I got moody sometimes when we went to do something I didn't really want to do, but as I said, we usually got along well and had great times together.

 

So, I don't know that she didn't really mean it when she said "we're too different." Even in her online post that I wasn't meant to see, she said that. But I'm thinking that perhaps it's both. She saw our differences, but they mattered more to her than me and she *also* wasn't feeling it.

[Lastchallenge]

If u tried to get her back what would u do or how would u go about it?