He's just not interested in sex. Unusual story.

[canzak]

I have been friends with this guy since we were 10 years old - a brother and sister relationship. We've been through each others relationships for almost 30 years now. He was a good looking man- * * * * * and has always had a huge sex drive, sleeping with hundreds of women including threesomes and wild sex. He typical girl was a two pound blonde stripper - which I am not.

 

Over the summer, by the urging of his mom, we decided to kiss to "see if anything was there" (we've NEVER done anything with each other for almost 30 years). I never even thought of him like that. After the kiss, we realized that we were attracted to each other. I mean really attracted. The first time was a little weird, kind of like sleeping with my brother, but the more we did it, the less weird it was. Along the way, we fell in love with each other and have moved in together.

 

In the beginning there was a lot of flirting, touching and playfulness between us and the sex was good too. We did it about 2 or 3 times a week. It has slowing drifted off and I've questioned him about it many times. I've gotten, "I've had sex so much in my life, I like to space it out" and "I'm having a hard time seeing you as sexual person because I've known you so long as a 'sister'" or "I'm having problems down there".

 

I feel rejected and my need for physical intimacy isn't being met. Just last night we had an argument about it and he said, he doesn't know why he's just not into sex anymore. The thought of it stresses him out. He's trying to rebuild his life again and he's more concerned with his new job, saving money and staying clean (he's been clean from heroin for over a year and a half). He ended up just pleasing me and got up and excused himself to the bathroom.

 

How does a guy go from being a * * * * * between the ages of 18 and thirty-something to not being interested? He keeps saying it's not me... that I'm beautiful, he's attracted me blah blah blah, but really - now at 39, he's not interested?

 

I'm suspicious of a medical issue as he's admitted to "hurting down there" when we've had sex before. I don't think he's cheating because we're always together (but ya never know). Could it really be that he's just not into it anymore?

 

I just don't know if it's worth waiting around to see what happens. I love him and we have such a long history together. I'm entertaining the thought of getting the physical affection from someone else and I've NEVER cheated on a boyfriend before. It's just never was an option.

 

Any ideas on what I should do? Have another long talk about it with no resolution? Hang it up or hang in there?

 

Please help.

[Maverick44]

How adventurous are you in the bedroom?

 

Look - guys like sex. However, just like with women, we don't like stale sex. It needs to be spicy (least for me).

 

Sometimes, that means heading outta town and doing hanging from the chandelier kind of stuff.

 

If that's not working, then perhaps it is an attraction issue. I couldn't imagine the brother/sister scenario once the sex has started but I guess it can happen.

 

Just never been in that situation.

 

I hope that helps. Sorry if it doesn't.

 

Maverick

[hexaemeron]

Er, I sort of hesitate to bring this up, but if he's recently clean and his mother was urging this, it sounds like they're both working in concert to distance him from his former trappings and vices and you're the sweet, wholesome not-junkie kind of person he should "want" to be with in his new clean sober life, continuing to inspire him to stay clean.

 

I think it's highly possible you're being used as a way to continue and reinforce his clean life, and it's not so much that he finds you attractive sexually, because, like you said, you're not his physical type.

 

I'm sorry and I hope this helps.

[Go Habs Go]

I agree with Hex. It sounds more like he's getting a lot of heat from his mother to find someone that is sweet and doesn't have such a history like the strippers he's slept with. Sorry, but he's truly not attracted to you.

[annie24]

ugh, i hate to say it too, but it sounds like he isn't attracted to you. not because you aren't a hot woman, but i think as you said, you guys have been friends for so long, that it might be weird for him to not think of you as a sister. (even though you aren't).

[TechResQ]

Wow...I'm sorry to hear this. I have to agree with Hex and Habs...it does seem that he may be with you because you are stable, drug-free and more of the settling down type than he has been with in the past. He may very well think you are beautiful and he may be attracted to you physically, but not sexually. (if that makes any sense).

 

I think you should talk to him about how you are feeling in a non-combative or accusatory way, and see if he opens up to you. You've known each other for so long, he should be able to confide in you.

 

Good luck! I hope you two can work it out.

[somberchic]

From what I read so far, I have to agree with the gang here. Doesn't sound like he's into you. Why would you ruin a good "brotherly-sisterly" friendship? I have a male friend whom I've known for 14 years...he's like a brother to me, even though he treats me like he's totally in love with me. But the thought of getting with him makes me want to throw up...it literally turns off my sex drive. YUCK. Maybe that is how this guy feels about you. SOrry. it hurts to hear this, but consider it a possibility that we might be right.

[addictedblue]

I'm 21 and have known my best guy friend for 18 years. We had sleepovers all throughout our childhood, even into high school and sometimes even now that we're in college. We've never done a single thing together - it's even weird if we hug. I don't know his type of girl because he's never really dated anyone (which has caused me to ponder his sexuality), but the girls he's commented on have always been Asian. I'm white. We get along so well, a few months ago even took a 4 day trip away together. People in public always assume he's my boyfriend, and my mom and friends have always asked me if I like him more than friends. He's an attractive guy. I just feel that if we got together, it would be similar to your situation. Kissing and having sex with him would be weird, and I also don't think I'm his type physically, if he even likes women. I've often wondered what it would be like to actually date him, but I wouldn't try to go there.

 

Basically, I think that his problem with having sex with you is probably more about your history. My friend and I have a brother-sister relationship. He's been there for pretty much every major event in my life, from my 4 year old birthday to my various graduations. That's not how it usually is when you date someone most of the time. You meet someone close to your age who has had 20+ years of life without you in it, and you can spend forever getting to know that person and hearing their stories, and it starts off with a sexual undertone. When you start off as close friends, it just isn't the same. You already know each other really well. Plus, in your situation, you guys kissed to please his mother. That's not how dating usually is - you kiss because you want to kiss each other.

 

Basically I think this relationship probably won't work out. I'm sorry. A guy who is 39 who has a history like his isn't going to stop wanting sex. You would be way more satisfied with someone else, in my opinion.