Don't know how to feel..need some advice.

[Habs4life]

Hello, I'm new to this forum. I have read some of the posts and I think people here give pretty good advice. I don't really have a lot of people I can talk to about this, and I feel like maybe getting advice from a stranger would help, since I always have a hard time really beliving a friend/family member (kind of hard when all they really want is to comfort you and make you feel better when you are in pain). Anyway, here's my story...I'm sorry if it ends up being a bit too long...

 

I dated my ex for almost two years. We met on a dating website. Everything was great for a few months. He lived about an hour and a half away..he was in the navy and was stationed there. He had another job on the side that he just loved to do, so unfortunately he worked 7 days a week. It was never a problem because I would drive over there and see him. After a few months, he got out of the navy and he had already decided that he would go home for about three months. He had made that decision before he had even met me. It drove me nuts to think that I wouldn't see him for that long, but in the end, I did fly down to see him a few times.

 

Fast forward three months and he moves back. He moved into my apartment at that time, and found a full-time job. Things were still ok, but shortly after I began to get a bit frustrated because well, he wasn't that clean, and I am. I would constantly try to get him to help me out with cleaning and just small things around the apartment. At first he would always say ok, fine i'll help and when we really fought, he would try for a few days and then go back to his old self. About the same time he moved in, another issue came up. I accidentally caught him looking at the same dating webite where he met me. He had made a fake name and description over there, with no pictures or anything. I confirmed that it was him and confronted him. I was very hurt, bu he told me that it was all just fun and he was never serious. Mistake number one, I decided to give him another chance.

 

About a year into dating, we moved into my parents house, as I needed to save up some money and that was the most convenient thing for us. He said he was alright with it, and my parents were too. We had the whole downstairs to ourselves and my parents did not bother us at all. The same problems continued. He started getting a little better about being clean, but still would not help out with the cleaning, with the pets, etc. His excuse was always that he had all these responsibilities with his two jobs. I told him that I was not his mother and he needed to step up and do it. I also started getting irritated about his other job (he's a soccer referee). He absolutely loves it..the problem is that I felt like it was the number one thing on his list all the time.. I never felt like I came first. He would only put me first if there was no soccer being played at the time. I told him about it, but of course his reaction was, you're never happy no matter what I do, I can't win..and this was what he said all the time. He never wanted to listen..he said I always tried to tell him what to do and was never happy, which is not true. I was constantly mad because of the little things he wouldn't do, and I tried over and over again to make that clear. I know that I didn't always behave right and was at times pushy, and did try to tell him what to do. I only did that because for the most part he wouldn't do anything on his own until I reminded him, and literally pushed him into doing it.

 

The last part of this story is what happened this weekend. He was gone doing a soccer tournament over this holiday weekend. He had accidentally left his email account open and curiosity got the best of me. I looked in his account. It was horrible of me to do, I know that. It took me a while to trust him again after what had happened earlier. Anyway, I came accross two emails he had sent a woman saying how amazing she was and how he could not stop thinking about her. I was angry, hurt, etc. As crazy as this sounds, I didn't know if I should confront him. Finally, I did that afternoon when he came home. I asked who the woman was and he said no one, I don't know her. He left to take a shower and then when he got out went straight to the bedroom. I tried asking a few questions and he said nope, don't want to talk about it right now. I said so when and he said when you stop bothering me. He then started packing all of his things and I broke down. I couldn't stop crying..and he wasnt giving me any answers. When he was done packing, he left. He told me he would tell me things after when he wanted to. He texted me almost as soon as he left. He started blaming me for all the things that had gone wrong in the relationship, how I was always mad and never happy, and how he wasn't happy either. He completely left out the incident that had just happened, no apologies, nothing. I asked if he was unhappy lately, why did he just not break up with me, or at try to really work things out by talking about it? He was never one to open up about his feelings AT ALL. Never once did he say ok, I'm tired of you always telling me what to do, let's sit down and talk about it, or why are you really unhappy with me, what can I do to change? I would have liked to have feedback about myself too. If he was so unhappy, I wish he would have said look, I don't like that you do this, it really hurts..we both need to work on this and that, but nope it never happened. I tried to get him to open up a lot but he just shut down when that happened. He wouldn't tell me why he didn't just break up with me if he was so unhappy. All he did was just put more blame on me, told me that I knew the relationship was over when I snooped through his stuff, and that I was just looking for a reason to end things with him and finally found one. He basically made me look like the bad guy.

 

This happened two days ago. Since then he has texted me and asked if I think there is anything to work out, I said i don't know but he needs to find his own place first and then we can think about the rest. Then he turns around and says ok I can't live like this, you win. I'm done with you..you don't care, I tried and you were never happy. He keeps blaming and blaming. His last few texts said I hope you are happy, that's two years wasted. He is obviously very bitter at this point..he has nowhere to live right now, so I guess he is staying at a hotel tonight.

 

I guess my question is this.. I know that he did something horrible, and I had every right to be upset and did the right thing by confronting him. I guess it's also a good thing that it's over because I shouldn't put up with it and don't deserve what he did. I can't prove that he ever cheated, but he did go too far. Despite all that, why do I feel so bad? I feel so numb, I've cried a lot in the last two days. I feel bad that he's homeless and that it came to the point where he said I'm done. I should be the one saying that, I should be the one angry at him, and happy that he is gone after what he did. Instead, I feel sad, and horrible because all he has managed to do is make me feel worthless. Am I crazy or is this a normal reaction for me to feel this way? I don't know how to feel and I have the urge to text him and beg him to try to work things out, which I know is probably what he wants me to do, even though he will only tell me to get lost. I think he wants me to feel bad, to make me think that he's right about me being the bad one.

 

Can anyone offer any kinda advice/feedback? I'm a mess right now..I just don't know what to think, how to feel. And again, I'm sorry my post ended up being so ridiculously long.

[hannah_k]

I think that right now the healthiest thing for you would be to cease communication with him until 1) your emotions have settled and you can figure out how you actually feel and 2) he can talk to you in a civilized manner. Number 2 is really important. What he says is going to have a major effect on you, especially now.

 

You're not crazy for feeling that way. It's normal to feel depressed after a hard breakup and lose some of your self worth. Take a step back, evaluate how you feel, and then move on from there. And be fair. Own up to your mistakes so that you can learn from them.

 

Sending positive thoughts your way. Good luck.

[Habs4life]

Thanks for the reply. You are right, the break up just happened, so it will take a while for me to sort out my feelings. I guess I'm just really confused because instead of being angry, like I should be for what he did to me, I just feel insecure and sad. After he basically told me hey, all you did was this, this and that, and you don't care, you wanted it to be over..after the things he said to put me down, I feel like it's my fault. I've gone over everything he has said since the break up and I mostly think "He's probably right, I am horrible" or "I guess I do deserve it". I have talked to my parents, who know him pretty well since we had lived with them for a year and they have told me that I was right for doing what I did, I need to let it go, and I don't deserve it. They think I'm not giving myself enough credit, that I'm putting myself down for no reason. They can't understand why I'm doing it. They ask me why I'm so concerned with his feelings, why I bother thinking about what's going to happen to him now that he has nowhere to live, and I can't tell them the answer. I have no clue why I feel the way that I do, but I know that it's not right.

[metafisics]

I couldnt agree with your parents more! Besides, its clear from his text that he didnt really have intentions to leave, but did it as a way to manipulate you. Right now you are feeling exactly how he wants you to feel. That way, the focus is more on how "horrible" you are and less on what he has done. Everytime you feel bad, remember the email he has sent to the woman and start getting mad.

 

I agree that you should let stay where he is until you have cooled down. Besided, he deserves to be homeless, he left you to punish you and now he's feeling the punishment. (I'm not the one to fuel the fire, but I find his behaviour very selfish)

[katyg79]

I just had to write as this is the exact pretty much that has happened to me!.

 

I had found over a year ago him logged onto a dating website then i asked him to stop, he said it was an old account and even text one girl asking her to stop contacting him. We had a happy relationship then boom he left his computer on right on the night i went over to say i was ready to move in with him. He was the most messiest dirtiest bloke i would ever consider living with but i loved him. I decorated the house just 2 weeks before and the reasons he said he was unhappy was because of me i was trying to change the way he lived! no i was trying to make the place my home. I was moving to another county away from all my friends and family so wasnt like i was just moving down the road. he knew this was hard for me, his answer was to cheat! he says he never actually met these girls but it was certainly leading to that point.

 

The question i keep asking myself and i am sure you will be to is that what could i have done differently to not make him stray.... did i drive him away? i have agonised over this and i am still puzzled to an extend but actually we did NOTHING wrong!!! cheating is not a mistake or something we did it is who THEY are!! my ex did this many times before he got to me... once a cheat always a cheat and i deserve so much more (as do yoU!)

 

Every day is a struggle but mainly because i am lonely and missing the companionship and someone to say good night to at the end of the day. I dont miss the lies, the deciepttion or the messy house!! i am sure you will do.

 

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! CHEATING IS A CHOICE!!

 

best wishes xx