What's wrong with me?

[MisterE]

I'm just wondering if someone could maybe give me some insight into my issue(s). Yes I know i'm an * * * * * * * .

 

First of all, i'm going to start going to a professional to discuss what's going on with me but i'm kind of interested in what (normal) people think and if anyone else has gone through this.

 

I've been in two relationships in my life. The first of which was when I was in grade 12 (17 years old) and lasted for 6 or 7 months. It wasn't really anything too serious but at the time I thought I loved the girl. She was my first, and I was her fifth or sixth. I also kind of thought that she cheated on me. Or, if she didn't she went around behind my back to hang out with ex's because i'm a very jealous and possessive type of person (I know that about myself, and I need to deal with it if I ever want to be happy). We broke up, haven't talked since - it's been 7 years.

 

My second relationship just ended a month ago and we dated for a year. I don't know if I was jaded and hurt from my first girlfriend because I thought she cheated on me, but I just couldn't trust this girl. Infact, I have so little trust in women that I slept with another girl during the time that we were inbetween the stages of being exclusive and dating. I did this because I would rather hurt someone than be hurt. In my mind, it was a way of protecting myself if she ever broke my heart. I don't know what is wrong with me to justify that to myself, but I did it. I don't know how I stayed with her for a year when I ruined the relationship before it even started

 

The second issue happened when I was working out of town at a show and I hooked up with one of my co-workers. I was drunk, but I knew what I was doing. During the course of our relationship, whenever my girlfriend was dealing with her depressions he would want to go on a break. No, this isn't the type of a break that she would be sleeping with other people... It was just to give her space and "reset" (These breaks were what led to our eventual breakup). During one of these breaks I was really upset and slept with some random girl my friend brought out with him on a snowboard trip.

 

I guess the downfall of our relationship started when some guy was hitting on her at a club and she gave him her phone number because she wanted to hook him up with her friend. He started texting her, and trying to meet up but she never did (she kept texting him though). I let her know that it really upset me and she kept talking to him for awhile until I basically freaked out and let her know how it was making me feel.

 

The next issue on my head is that I basically started hooking up and sleeping with girls that I know the week after we broke up. They range from random girls in bars, to girls that are in the same "circle" as her.

 

I guess what confuses me is that I have done all of these things over the past year. I know that she never did hurt me, or never would have hurt me. I just don't know how I can justify doing all of these things to her, while if I found out she did anything like that to me I would absolutley be crushed.

 

I've done alot of thinking about all of this since the breakup and I have came to the conclusion that I am a terrible person. I know that emotions can be very confusing. What maybe I thought was me loving her, or missing her, or even wanting to get back together with her are actually the sense of guilt I have to live with.

 

Maybe I should come clean and tell her everything. It would destroy her though. I was actually the nicest guy she has ever met. Maybe i'm just nice to hide the demons that I have inside me.

 

Be harsh, be critical. I deserve bad things to happen to me. I need to change my ways before I will ever be happy with myself or anyone.

[savignon]

We all have demons. You can choose not to act on them. Don't tell her all of this as it will serve no purpose but to hurt her deeply and make you feel like an evil person.

Move on with your own circle of friends/girls and learn from this (the things you're doing make you feel bad about yourself...so don't do them)

[anu1560]

You suffer from what millions of people suffer from.

 

INSECURITY

 

You are not a terrible person. You are just insecure. And all your actions are the result of your own insecurity. Try to know why you are so insecure.