my boyfriend is confused.

[starflakes]

My boyfriend and I (I'm a bisexual girl) had a very loving, satisfying relationship for about eight months. I thought for the first time that I was in love, because I had never been able to open up and let someone in like he did. I've always had reservations about sex, but with him, it felt so natural that any discomfort I had quickly left. On his part, he always seemed extremely enthusiastic; he never had trouble getting hard unless someone walked in on us (sadly, that happened a lot, because college is as college does) and I always felt we were very passionate about it. Sometimes I coaxed him to write me love letters because I'm a mushy girl at heart, and he wrote me beautiful things no one else has ever said. We have had our fights, but they were things we were able to talk out and recover from. We came close to breaking up once, but he started crying (he has never cried in front of me before), so I rethought my decision and we didn't go through with it.

 

About a week after we went home for the summer, he told me he'd been thinking about his sexuality and that he was confused. This was after he had been acting distant and strange, so I confronted about him. Over the past two weeks, we've had many difficult conversations, a lot of them with us being upset at each other. He told me he's thought of other men during sex before, that he feels attracted to men, and he's not sure WHAT he is. I asked him if he is attracted to women and he says he is, and I believe him, especially because we never had any trouble in that department and he had never expressed interest in males before. While I've told him he might be bi, he seems insistent that he either end up with boys or girls and is dissatisfied with my answer that it might be a case-by-case thing for him. He told me that he can't be in this relationship if he's thinking about guys because it feels like it's cheating and he's not sure what he wants, even though I feel like idle thoughts like that aren't a problem unless he actually follows through.

 

Of course, I'm devastated and I've been trying to help him through it. He's very wishy-washy, sometimes claiming he thinks he's probably gay but then as soon as you bring up girls, he thinks he might be bi. But he doesn't seem like he wants to be bi; for him, it's like bi is the more difficult answer for him to handle. I'm going insane because he keeps telling me he still cares for me and I make him happy but that a relationship can't make him happy until he decides he wants girls or guys. He is so damn fixated on just choosing one, I'm actually at my wit's end, especially because I'm fairly sure he's bisexual like me and just likes both... but then again, I could be wrong.

 

I don't know why he's acting like this. Any insight?

[Citlali]

Why don't you encourage him to get counseling? Has he at all? As hard as this may sound, perhaps it would be good to have some time apart to let him find himself. It's a difficult time for anyone to realize they might not be sure about their own sexuality. It is probably frustrating for him when you insist that he is bisexual, because he might not be. You do that because you don't want to lose him, but ultimately it is up to him whom he ends up being attracted to. It seems he needs some time to really dig deep inside and think about what he needs and wants. I'd suggest taking a break to let him figure things out. It might be the best thing for you both. It's in your best interest that he figure out who he is so you won't be hurt in the long run (and he either).

[KG]

Best advice ever. Please heed! And let us know.

[savignon]

Being bisexual yourself, you probably can understand where he's coming from better than others. If he's saying he can't be in this relationship now, then respect his decision and once he's more clear on what he wants, perhaps there will be the opportunity to see where it goes from there.

Best wishes.

[sweet_revenge]

you have to let him have his space, and make up his mind, if you really love him you'll want him to be happy, regardless of what he decides. You shouldn't insist he's bi simply because he's sexually attracted to men, he may also be more emotionally attracted to men and feel like he can't truly be dedicated to a woman while he's having feelings for men, in truth that wouldn't be fair to either of you. so maybe give him some time to figure things out, and hopefully in the end you'll both be happy.