i contacted my ex...

[yah1]

Hi, I have never posted on this forum before but I just need to get something off my chest and hopefully somebody can offer some advice.

 

Nearly 3yrs ago I met and fell in love with my ex. I was 21 in a new town for grad school; my whole future looked very bright. He was 26 and in the military without a degree. We fell in love, hard. Our relationship was great, even when we had to do LDR for a bit when he got deployed. He was my very best friend, we talked everyday for hours, we wrote each other letters when he was deployed, I was SO in love. He wanted to make me his wife. We got engaged rather quickly and it all went downhill soon after. We found out the army was moving him to another state (he was first told he would be based in the town we were in until his contract was over). That was when the problems began.

 

We made plans to move together but all the while he seemed reluctant for me to move with him. One day he was excited, the next day he was stressed. He didn't want me to "ruin" my future "for just some army guy." I would've had to quit my program and wait a year before I could apply to the PhD programs I wanted in that state (very few and none were high ranking). I thought about changing career/direction to suit this move but it became apparent that I was unhappy to have to quit school. Until I found something I liked, he would also have to support us on his military salary. If anything, I wanted to move with him more than he wanted me to. We were both very stressed during that 3-month period before he had to leave. We fought a lot. I ended up asking him "why can't you take me with you." At the end, he just got up and left after a huge verbal fight we had (our first and last). He left town a few days later.

 

After a few months he called me. We basically just had a friendly conversation. I told him I went on a few dates with somebody new just to spite him. At the end of the convo, he told me he has always loved me and that maybe one day when his contract his over (2yrs from now) and if I was still single and he is no longer "just some army guy" he would love to get back together. A few months later, he called, we chatted and he basically said the same thing. Again, another call a few months after that, he said the same thing, although this time he mentioned he was dating a girl but it wasn't serious.

 

It's been 1.5yrs since we've broken up and a few months since I've last heard from him. I'm currently 8 months into a new relationship but I still miss my ex-fiance. I think its because I recently asked my bf what he sees for our future - he said he could see us together for the long haul but he has no plans to marry for another 5 or so years. That really saddened me. It's memorial day and I'm thinking about my ex-fiance. I randomly googled his name and found an article about a fairly significant accomplishment he's made in the army. I emailed him to say that I don't expect to hear from him but I wanted to say congrats anyway. I should also mention that his facebook profile picture is now him with a girl, both smiling. We're no longer fb friends so I can't see his profile - I blocked him when we broke up.

 

Now I feel dumb for contacting him. It's not that I don't want to hear from him, I really do, but I don't want to hear that he is dating someone new and that they are serious. At the same time, I want to have him back although my rational side says even if we were back together it'll be hard to forgive him for leaving me. However, I've always felt like my heart has been missing something since the day he left. I also feel guilty because I have a bf too. My current bf is a great guy but I just don't get the same butterflies-in-your-stomach effect with him. What should I do?

[catfeeder]

Nothing wrong with finding out how the ex is doing. You may or may not like what you hear, but the only way to find that out is to find out.

 

I would rethink the whole grudge about him leaving. He's the kind of guy who couldn't live with himself for derailing your education, so he was damned either way. His guilt would have likely turned into something else along the way, such as resentment, especially if you ended up miserable where he moved and with no opportunities to resume your studies.

 

If you examine this and still can't get past blaming him for leaving, then you'd be smart to put a lid on any fantasies about a possible future with him. That kind of thing would only blow everything wide open at some point anyway.

 

As for new guy, it sounds as though you're keeping him around just to have someone. That's not fair to him, and it's also not fair to yourself. You don't love him 'enough' to satisfy even you, so why should he tricked into believing that he has your heart?

[beth116]

I think you need to find out where you stand. There's nothing worse than putting a lot of thought and energy into someone, only to find out a long time after that they are not doing the same. ( I am in a comparable situation at the moment, and my ex is visiting my city next week, not sure what to say to him!). I think you and I need to say our piece, and either get the answer we want, or the motivation to move on and love somebody else whole-heartedly.