Opinions please on children and family all over again-for 2nd relationship after divorce.

[happygal]

Wasn't sure how to put the title.

But I am curious - especially to hear from men (women, too) and their opinion on 2nd marriages and if you have already children, on having children all over again with your new partner?

 

How do you feel about it? Are you more hesitate the 2nd time around, and why?

What would it take to jump all in, again?

 

For the ladies, are you or have you been with a man that has children already, what is your experience?

 

Thanks

[Maverick44]

I'd be hesitant. I really hate having to split time with my ex over my son. It'll be even rougher when he goes to school for one of us. I'd hate this type of splitting to happen again.

[Is]

I have a friend he is on his second marriage. First marriage failed because his ex wife cheated and they have 1 children. Now he is on his second marriage and been married for over 18 years. His first children from his ex wife lives with him with his 2 other children from his current wife. When they got married, the wife had a children already from another ex husband.

 

Soo total they have 4 kids in the house.

[newwave]

 

For the ladies, are you or have you been with a man that has children already, what is your experience?

 

Thanks

 

I never married (or would) a man with children, but I have dated them. Bad mistake that I'll NEVER repeat again. I'd rather be single than date a man with kids.

[Maverick44]

I never married (or would) a man with children, but I have dated them. Bad mistake that I'll NEVER repeat again. I'd rather be single than date a man with kids.

 

Just fpr the purpose of insight, newwave, why?

[newwave]

Just fpr the purpose of insight, newwave, why?

 

So many reasons. For one, the guys I went out with spent all of their money on the kids and exes and couldn't spend as much on me as they'd like. Not that I'm a gold digger, but a few wanted to take me to nicer places than they did. One guy once he paid child support had little left. Plus, they also had drama with the ex. I know someone who married one of these guys (none were super serious relationships) and the ex ended up suing for more child support. Not to mention the guys often had to cancel dates because of their kids and exes. I vowed then never to date a father again and never will.

 

Actually there are other reasons I don't date fathers, but these are some of the biggest reasons.

[Maverick44]

Thanks newwave. While I may not like those reasons internally due to my personal situation, I respect your views. Everyone is entitled to look for(and hopefully find) the type of person that fits for them.

 

Appreciate the perspective.

[catfeeder]

I would date a man with children, but I wouldn't meet or get involved with his kids unless we became serious over the long haul and decided that we were permanent. Children don't get dating. Exposing them to dates teaches them that relationships are disposable--which is a poison thing to teach them.

 

Children of divorce have already had their world collapse, and I believe that parents should avoid dating for long enough to devote themselves to attending to their kids' needs for attention and exclusivity. I would only start dating after a year or two, and I'd leave the kids out of that world. Kids get attached to people very quickly. If a relationship doesn't work out, this only breaks their heart--again.

[newwave]

Thanks newwave. While I may not like those reasons internally due to my personal situation, I respect your views. Everyone is entitled to look for(and hopefully find) the type of person that fits for them.

 

Appreciate the perspective.

 

Thanks, same to you. I know there are exceptions, I just rather not deal. It really stinks though for parents.

[happygal]

My bf has 2 children, and had a nasty divorce many years ago and a really bad relationship with his ex (she tries to keep him away from his kids).

We have been together 4 years and I told him early on I wanted more children (by the way I am divorced as well and have 2 of my own).

He always was fine with that, if our relationship works out. Well, it has been really good and we are growing closer and closer, and now all of a sudden he doesn't even want to talk about kids I am getting to the age where I feel there isn't so much time as well.

I can see his fears and worries, but is it all fair to me?

[april15]

Wanting children is a time thing. It sounds harsh but you cannot waste time with someone who does not have this as a priority as well. It is not fair to you or them.

[Timbertea]

Blending a family is hard, very hard. You often find yourself with one set of rules for handling their kids, and another for yours. When you add in the "ours" to the mix you get another set of rules ... The divorce rate for blended families is high for a reason. Those stresses are often overwhelming for couples.

 

For him, and his kids, its another set of huge fears that tackle a whole lot of what if's. Everything from: Can he survive financially if this doesn't work out? Its a real fear. Can he survive, and afford this if it does work out? Family courts have a lot of catching up to do with reality, and often treat a margin of support for your own kids as non-existent when those reviews come up. (There are many second wives in the family court reform movement.) He may have other things he is worried about as well. Ghosts of things like -- that was the point his last marriage went south? A mother who devoted all of the time to the kids, and he came 2nd, 3rd, 4th on the list ... Remembering 2 years of sleepless nights, and all of that which comes with it. He may have simply had a miserable month with the kids, and that may be giving him pause. It could come down to his estimation of his station in life at the moment, and he feels the isn't yet right to be able to survive on only his income. I can only speculate, you'll need to find out.

 

I'm not as pessimistic as the previous poster. The best thing I can suggest to you is to get him talking, and be as non-judgmental a listener as is humanly possible to what his fears, and hopes would be for a child together. He may honestly be afraid of sharing some of those fears with you. Fears such as "If this doesn't work between us, I wont have the time, nor resources left to start all over completely again ....and go through all of that again on top of." are very hard to negate, and that he has mulled over a plan B if this doesn't work out may be truly unsettling to you. Its certainly not the kind of conversation many people take very well. You may be dealing with ghosts from prior relationships creeping in, and some of the emotions he is expressing may be from that, but unless we have something more to go on than "He doesn't even want to talk about it" ... Who knows? It could be something in your current relationship has been bothering him, some need that isn't being met, and maybe isn't being expressed clearly tainting the waters to discussion. It may take some gentle prodding to get him to feel safe enough to talk about those issues first before addressing this one.

 

Taking a month to focus on dating each other, talking, and getting a better understanding of each other is the best move I see on the table.