Need a bit of support

[Mustachio]

Well its been almost 9 months now and for the most part I am doing quite well. I have gotten on with my life, been doing some really good things for myself, and I have been dating a girl now for close to two months.

 

But something about my new relationship just doesnt quite feel... I guess not quite like what I was expecting, and as such I have had moments where I just dont feel quite as into it as i want to or should.

 

In addition, I have been thinking a lot about my ex, and have even been dreaming about her. I miss my relationship with her and I miss the life I had even if it wasnt right (and if you want the backstory its littered over this forum from the past 9 months, I wont repeat it now) And since I miss all that, by extension I miss her.

 

I havent had any contact with my ex in about 4 months now and recently I have been thinking about contacting her. I know that she is probably still with the guy she left me with and I really dont know what I could hope to achieve out of contacting her, but I miss her and am just grasping at something... My rational thoughts are all still there, but the desire to contact her is there. Just need some help thinking through all this.

[mercurial100]

I wouldn't break the NC, I don't think it would achieve anything and given you are both in relationships it would probably do more harm than good.

 

As time goes on and you get closer to you current partner hopefully the feeling for your old one will subside.

[Cheetarah]

Sounds pretty normal to me.

 

I think some of us tend to hold a candle to our last relationship when entering into another one. Even if it was bad. You're just used to a certain way, certain emotions, certain behaviors.

 

When I first started dating my ex, I felt frumpy about the whole thing for the first couple months. It felt 'weird'. I wasn't used to spending time with this person, sharing my thoughts with this person, kissing this person - It just wasn't what I was used to, and I felt like maybe it wasn't right because, well, it was different. Didn't evoke the same kind of emotional or physical response from me.

 

Take a look at your expectations, and pick apart what it is that you miss with her. Comfort, familiarity? Something else? Is it really something you couldn't experience with another person? Maybe you're expecting too much, too soon. Of course some things from your past relationship will be just that. You won't find them in the exact same way, because each situation is different. But they can be just as good - In a different way.

[incaangelique]

I don't know what to think about this. Part of me wonders if breaking no contact would help at all with you moving on . . . If she were to give you another dose of rejection as a reminder. I can not advise anyone to break no contact though, for me it always a huge setback. I'm only three months into this though, not nine months, like you, and four months of no contact is amazing (My longest was 43 days, back on day 10 now :sad: ) You do seem to be stuck though.

[JonasWaingaro]

I'm right there with you mustachio. Tomorrow is my exes b'day then 1 week later one year since the dumping. I have this absolutely crazy urge to say something. I don't even know what really. But it is strong. She ignored my b'day yet I feel like I want acknowledge hers! I'm nuts. Anyhoo I've been dreaming a lot lately - again - it's been awhile. I guess I'm still processing things because it's all there. Perhaps you are as well. The urge to talk, know, be involved in her life is still there. Pointlessly since I'm not a blip on her radar. I dunno. I've rambled on about me but wanted you to know you aren't alone pondering this one. I suppose you have to ask yourself, what would you say and once said what would it accomplish for you? I keep asking myself those 2 things. So far I have no clear answers for me.

[Mustachio]

As time goes on and you get closer to you current partner hopefully the feeling for your old one will subside.

 

Hopefully

 

Didn't evoke the same kind of emotional or physical response from me.

 

Take a look at your expectations, and pick apart what it is that you miss with her. Comfort, familiarity? Something else? Is it really something you couldn't experience with another person? Maybe you're expecting too much, too soon. Of course some things from your past relationship will be just that. You won't find them in the exact same way, because each situation is different. But they can be just as good - In a different way.

 

Its the same for me, its been almost two months with my girlfriend and its the same thing, she just does evoke that same kind of physical or emotional response as my ex did. Whether was towards the end of our 7 years together or the beginning, regardless of how wrong that relationship was in so many ways.

 

Part of it is the comfort and the familiarity, another part of it is the fact that I had a path laid out for my life while I was with my ex, and while it certainly wasnt perfect, it was a path that I was comfortable with and looking forward to. Maybe I am expecting things too soon, maybe she just isnt right for me, maybe its many things, I dont know. And as you say, it is different, and even though things would never be the same with my ex, there is just a lot I miss.

 

I don't know what to think about this. Part of me wonders if breaking no contact would help at all with you moving on . . . If she were to give you another dose of rejection as a reminder. I can not advise anyone to break no contact though, for me it always a huge setback. I'm only three months into this though, not nine months, like you, and four months of no contact is amazing (My longest was 43 days, back on day 10 now ) You do seem to be stuck though.

 

Well I dont know about rejection... I mean there is no way I would even try or want to initiate the conversation about wanting to get back together. Unless things have changed dramatically I dont think she would reject me from being in her life in some way. It probably would be a setback because there are things about her life (her relationship, which is probably the biggest and only part of her life) that I just dont want to know about. So I am not really sure what sort of contact I could have with her... friendship, probably not, So Im not really sure, I just miss her and have this desire to reclaim something of what we used to have in the past. The four months of no contact for me has actually been easy. I havent had much of a desire to speak with her or contact her at all except for recently, as the feelings have been growing again recently.

 

I'm right there with you mustachio. Tomorrow is my exes b'day then 1 week later one year since the dumping. I have this absolutely crazy urge to say something. I don't even know what really. But it is strong. She ignored my b'day yet I feel like I want acknowledge hers! I'm nuts. Anyhoo I've been dreaming a lot lately - again - it's been awhile. I guess I'm still processing things because it's all there. Perhaps you are as well. The urge to talk, know, be involved in her life is still there. Pointlessly since I'm not a blip on her radar. I dunno. I've rambled on about me but wanted you to know you aren't alone pondering this one. I suppose you have to ask yourself, what would you say and once said what would it accomplish for you? I keep asking myself those 2 things. So far I have no clear answers for me.

 

Yea, its rough. My exes birthday was actually a little over 3 weeks ago and I struggled then with the thought of contacting her and I ultimately decided against it... although probably not mainly for myself, but because at that point I was still pissed at her and didnt want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that I was thinking about her. She contacted me on my birthday 5 months ago and set off this chain about her missing me, pulling me back in then ultimately rejecting me again. See in my situation she might still be thinking about me, she might not, I dont know... but I find it hard to think that she really doesnt want me in her life too. I appreciate it, and I know Im not alone... I just dont really know what I could hope to accomplish or why yet either. I dont have those clear answers either... and it is like I want to go backwards and reclaim the past instead of moving on to the future. Its just that even through a lot of the great things I have done to myself, the past still seems better in some ways, ways which I do indeed miss and wish they werent gone, especially if they were combined with what I know now and the changes I have made for myself.

 

----

 

This may also be contributing to this situation too, but I found out early last week that I am getting laid off from my job of two years in just about 2 months. So this semi comfy position I have built for myself is getting turned upside down soon and changes need to be made, which might have me thinking back to her more... I dont know, but the thoughts are all still there.

[coolchick64]

Hey Mustachio,

 

Nice to see you around . . .

 

I have two thoughts: First, your relationship with the ex was a lot of drama. It was high intensity in the sense that she kept you guessing enough of the time that your passion for her was constantly stoked. I can't recall what your family background is like, but I know for me, I grew up in a chaotic, volatile household with an unstable parent. So, there's something about high intensity, volatile situations that really sucks me in. When things are too calm, I get bored. In fact, I'd rather be tortured than bored, as nuts as that is. Just wondering if that might be your situation, too. Maybe your current relationship is actually good for you, but you have trouble seeing it because part of you misses the dysfunction, if that makes sense.

 

My other thought is it's possible the new relationship really isn't doing it for you. They say it takes two or three months to get to know someone well enough to decide how you feel about them (vs. the fantasies you had about them before you got to know who they really are). That's why so many relationships end at three months. That doesn't mean your previous relationship was better or preferable. This isn't a choice between two women. It's a choice between this woman and the other potential GFs out there if you play the field some more.

 

Either way, I'd tell you not to contact your ex. She's got nothing to offer you anymore. You may want the life you had with her (the good parts anyway) but it's not there. You can't have it. After everything you've been through with her, the only way I'd consider reconciling is if she crawled over broken glass to your door. What I'd do instead is some serious soul-searching about what you want in a relationship and whether your current girlfriend fits the bill.

[Mustachio]

Hey coolchick thanks for the response.

 

No I dont think it relates to a volatile household, I mean my parents got divorced when I was about 6 years old, but have been friendly since then and I had a relatively stable and good loving family. So I dont necessarily think its that. And I do think that this current relationship is good, and I have no trouble seeing it as such, its just that im struggling to see if some of the more passionate or intense feelings exist. Whether I can only see those in more painful ways I dont know... but with my ex, I remember feeling them right away, before things turned sour.

 

Yea, that is one thing I am trying to figure out, is this relationship really doing it for me. And believe me, I am well aware that this isnt a choice between my girlfriend now and my ex, because my ex isnt a choice, nor is she a choice I really think I would make without extreme circumstances (as you mention, crawling over broken glass).

 

About contacting my ex, I probably wont, but it has been slightly difficult lately to resist the urge to contact her, and at least open up lines of communication to see what could happen... even though I know most outcomes wont be good. I have pondered hard at sending a simple text that says I miss you, or that I am thinking about you. But there are many reasons why I cant and dont want to bring myself to do it.

 

Believe me, given my job situation, I will be doing some serious soul searching not just about my current relationship, but about my life in general and what I want... but at the same time I still am not sure what to do or make about the feelings and thoughts that still seem to creep in about my ex.

[Mustachio]

Still struggling a bit with this this morning... Just sort of wondering, in anyone elses experience, if I just ignore this will it go away or will this urge to reconnect with her continue to get stronger as it has continued to do so over the past few weeks or more?

 

Ideally, I wouldnt contact her, but ideally I wouldnt have any desire to either. I know these things come and go in cycles, but this one has lasted for a while and continued to get stronger, hence the reason for me posting.

 

My resolve is fairly strong and I have accepted that the relationship is part of my past, yet I still cant completely let it go. I think rationally and cant even imagine wanting to be with my ex ever again, yet that feeling is still there.

[donpeel83]

Mustachio, good to see/hear from you. One thing that amazed me about your stories relating to your relationship problems was the fact that it so closely mirrored my own which I believe we have discussed in the past.

 

What I would say is this. At the moment I have a gf who I have been seeing since tail end of last year and this time next week it will be bang on 12 months since I split from the ex from hell. Like you, I have encountered those emotions of apprehension and a rather awkward uncertainty tied into the new relationship. I use to, and still sometimes do, go through moments of analysing the relationships, old and new, and trying to compare different aspects of them. However, when I do this I keep reminding myself how much better my life is now then before when I was with my ex.

 

Sometimes I struggle to remember this and sometimes I need gentle reminders from those around me. I think part of it is I haven’t truly let go emotionally of the past, as my ex was my first love and she cut very deep with how she treated me over the relationship and the break up. Sometimes we will carry these wounds with us for a while and I think the only way you can really learn to love again and not be afraid of it is to respect and accept that our previous loves will leave an impact and footprint within our lives, sometimes negatives one, and we need to learn to embrace these and learn from them, despite the fact its is at times an incredibly torturous thing to try and do. I know this probably sounds a tad clichéd but I think the point im trying to get at is not to be afraid of these moments of uncertainty and apprehension and to have faith that your heart does have the capacity to love again if you let it. If anything take stock of your life now and try to compare and im willing to bet you will truly see that your life is in a better place. You need to take confidence from that and keep remembering that your life is getting better and it will continue to do so. You just need to find the strength, which im confident you have, to keep plugging forward with life whilst not being afraid to embrace change and complex emotions.

[matador1972]

Hey mustachio, we broke up about the same time and seem to be following a similar journey, i had similar feelings when i first started dating my girl, i couldnt really explain it myself.

 

Sometimes it just seems easier to want what we had, even if we know it wasnt right, i did that for a long time, and I kept my guard up with my girl for a little while, because I was feeling those same feelings as you and wondering whether there was a problem with me still wanting my ex back, but once i let fear of that go, and opened up to her, then things really started to blossom.

 

I think you just have to accept that you will always have strong feelings attached to your ex, and its just the last little bit of resistance that your body tells you to maybe see if theres still something there.

 

Just think how differently you feel about things now than you did back in September time when it all happenend, i know i was besotted with my wife and would have walked over hot coals to win her back, now? I just chatted to her on the phone for 15 minutes and we were friendly, she's off on holiday with her boyfriend and my daughter in a few weeks and it bothers me not a bit. If 9 months ago someone had told me that my wife would be jetting off for a week of passion in a hot country in 9 months with another man i think id probably have struggled to wake up the next day.

 

Do I still love my ex? Yes of course I do, do you still love yours? Yeah you will do as well, we give these people our hearts and it takes a while to get the whole thing back, it comes in little tiny packages until you can reconstruct it fully, but would i go back? Hell no! Having too much fun, and now you are having fun your body is just giving that last little bit of resistance saying "hmmm, what if". Ignore it, keep on your journey and keep having fun.

[Mustachio]

Mustachio, good to see/hear from you. One thing that amazed me about your stories relating to your relationship problems was the fact that it so closely mirrored my own which I believe we have discussed in the past.

 

If anything take stock of your life now and try to compare and im willing to bet you will truly see that your life is in a better place. You need to take confidence from that and keep remembering that your life is getting better and it will continue to do so. You just need to find the strength, which im confident you have, to keep plugging forward with life whilst not being afraid to embrace change and complex emotions.

 

Yes indeed they are similar. I try not to compare the past to the present. There are many things about my life now that really are great and better then before, if for no other reason than I needed an excuse to get off my butt and do something instead of sitting around and being miserable.

 

My issue still stems from the fact that there are things about the past that I really do miss, and those things get romanticized a bit in my head. I am fully aware of the reality of the way things were and how my thoughts and memories sometimes differ... but recently, I have been missing my ex more, and feeling sad that there were a lot of things about that relationship and that life that are just gone and not coming back.

 

It may be that there have been a lot of changes for me recently, new girlfriend, losing my job, etc... that is making me reflect, but I fear change and wish for comfort, and in my head that takes me back to my ex and the life that is gone.

 

Hey mustachio, we broke up about the same time and seem to be following a similar journey, i had similar feelings when i first started dating my girl, i couldnt really explain it myself.

 

Sometimes it just seems easier to want what we had, even if we know it wasnt right, i did that for a long time, and I kept my guard up with my girl for a little while, because I was feeling those same feelings as you and wondering whether there was a problem with me still wanting my ex back, but once i let fear of that go, and opened up to her, then things really started to blossom.

 

I think you just have to accept that you will always have strong feelings attached to your ex, and its just the last little bit of resistance that your body tells you to maybe see if theres still something there.

 

Just think how differently you feel about things now than you did back in September time when it all happenend, i know i was besotted with my wife and would have walked over hot coals to win her back, now? I just chatted to her on the phone for 15 minutes and we were friendly, she's off on holiday with her boyfriend and my daughter in a few weeks and it bothers me not a bit. If 9 months ago someone had told me that my wife would be jetting off for a week of passion in a hot country in 9 months with another man i think id probably have struggled to wake up the next day.

 

Do I still love my ex? Yes of course I do, do you still love yours? Yeah you will do as well, we give these people our hearts and it takes a while to get the whole thing back, it comes in little tiny packages until you can reconstruct it fully, but would i go back? Hell no! Having too much fun, and now you are having fun your body is just giving that last little bit of resistance saying "hmmm, what if". Ignore it, keep on your journey and keep having fun.

 

A lot of that certainly rings true. Although I am not sure if for me it is a case of not being able to fully open to my new girlfriend. I care for her a lot, I am just not sure where I see this relationship going. But moreso its the feelings for my ex that have resurfaced. Its not really about how I want to move forward with my girlfriend now, more about what I can do with these feelings for my ex. Why have they shown back up and what can I do to stop them from haunting me?

 

And yes, you are absolutely right, the difference between september and now is night and day, back then I was miserable every day, the thoughts consumed me in a very irrational way. They are still there now, but my rational thoughts are more in control and I am not consumed by the feelings for my ex. But they are still strong and I want to deal with them.

 

And because the feelings are there, it is making me want to get in touch with my ex. For what purpose I really dont know, but its still very hard for me to accept fully that she is out of my life for good when I can or might be able to do something to change it. (and this is more the idea of her rather than the actual person... if that makes sense)

 

Just very confused, and missing the past... and when talking to her is just a phone call away it doesnt make it easier to just let it go.

[matador1972]

Maybe you need to see her again to let go? I saw my ex the other day and she didnt resemble the figure in my head, she was quite old and haggard looking, the rose tinted specs are definetly off now!

 

That said, my ex will always have a place in my heart, 17 years you cant wipe out, and i wouldnt want to, i tried to be friends but it didnt work out, i just ended up getting prolonging me moving on, im not sure it can be done actually, not in the short term.

 

Superdave said something that rang true to me, is to look at your ex, without any rose tinted specs and really see them for who they are, that helped me a lot, and I know im better off without her as a result, obviously your circumstances are different to mine, despite everyone telling me my ex was no good after the breakup, i still defended her (and probably still do), but you have one good reason why not to contact her, and thats she dosent deserve it after what she did to you.

 

I can tell you this, before i was over her, any contact i had just made me feeling miserable, so i stay away from her now as much as possible, as i dont want or need her around me any more, ask yourself, what good can come of it?

 

Maybe your new girl isnt the girl for you, i compared girls left right and centre for a good few months until i met my girlfriend and i dont compare any more, both are different women, all i know is i have a ton more fun with my girlfriend than i ever had with my wife, and we are more compatible in almost every way.

[Mustachio]

I have considered seeing my ex. I too had the thought that maybe seeing her would allow me to really see her for the person she is. The issue there lies that I am not really seeing her with rose colored glasses, rather the relationship itself. My ex, while generally a good person, has some serious mental issues and can become extremely selfish and totally ignore how her actions will make others feel. I am aware of this and I do not see her with these rose colored glasses. In addition to that, she had offered in the past for us to get together yet as of last I heard and from what I know of her, her entire social life outside of work is her relationship and therefore she spends all her time with her boyfriend (the guy she left me for) and from what she told me he became jealous and nervous and upset at the thought of her meeting me without him. I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to meet this guy so that sort of rules that out.

 

So I definitely dont think I am viewing her in any fantasized way and I know without a doubt that I am better off without her. Whether or not I could handle contact with her now, I think I could, it has been about 9 months now and I am not really pining for her at all, just pining for the life I had, the comfort and familiarity that came with it. Sure I have comfort and familiarity now, but its different, and not necessarily different in the way I want. Of course what I want is still something I am struggling to figure out for myself (story of my life).

 

So what it boils down to is that I want to contact her. I feel like I want her in my life in some way. But as I think about it, I really cant think of any good reason to contact her. Besides contacting her to maybe clarify some of my feelings. All the reasons I can think of to contact her are either bad reasons or are not things I really want. Do I want her back? No, even though the thought has crossed my mind, and in addition I have made peace with the fact that I cant actually do anything about that except for just being a presence in her life. Do I want to be friends with her? Not really, I dont trust her, and I think back to when we were "friends" before we got together and she was even causing me pain then, and friends shouldnt be causing friends pain on a regular basis as she did to me. Besides that, our "friendship" was built on a mutual desire to get with each other. And the final reason I can think of is to hold on to some portion of that past that is lost. The problem there is that past that I envision never really existed, and even if it did there really is no way to hold onto any of it, except for the fantasy, which is exactly what I need to get rid of.

 

And through all that, and all those rational thoughts not to contact her, the feeling of loss persists, and the feeling that maybe through my ex, I can reclaim some of it. In addition, there is just that missing and longing for the past. And this is where I find myself stuck. Not terribly stuck, but these feelings linger, and even though I know I have made great progress, at times I still feel stuck.

 

And about my new girlfriend, well I really do care for her, and I am really not sure at this point if I can see this continuing for the long term or not... I just dont want to hurt her.

 

Damn I write a lot, thanks for reading everyone, this really helps me sort through how I am feeling.

[matador1972]

 

And through all that, and all those rational thoughts not to contact her, the feeling of loss persists, and the feeling that maybe through my ex, I can reclaim some of it. In addition, there is just that missing and longing for the past. And this is where I find myself stuck. Not terribly stuck, but these feelings linger, and even though I know I have made great progress, at times I still feel stuck.

 

And about my new girlfriend, well I really do care for her, and I am really not sure at this point if I can see this continuing for the long term or not... I just dont want to hurt her.

 

Damn I write a lot, thanks for reading everyone, this really helps me sort through how I am feeling.

 

I was stuck there too, even though i knew all the things you knew, i still pined for normality (i was 17 years remember, so a lot of undoing to do), but i just had to block that out my mind when it kept coming back. There really was no going back for me, even though she didnt cheat, in a way i wish she had as it would have made it easier for me to get to the hatred stage, which took about 6 months before i started to feel that, its gone now, and i wish and want happyness for her and her new fella, even offered to take the guy out for a beer, but he's wary about me and refused

[StandTall]

I can fully relate to everything you all are posting here. I was in a 2 yr relationship and my ex had more baggage than an airport, yet I loved her and hoped things would change for the better- they didn't. Recently, her ex-husband and father of her kids was arrested on some pretty serious federal charges and will be going away for a long time. While I am happy to see him get what he had coming to him, I now feel like the biggest obstacle has been removed and have some false sense of hope that I could be with her. I have not contacted her even one time since the breakup out of fear of being hurt more and maybe learning that she is seeing someone new, but she usually sends me a "Thinking of you" text every few weeks. Yesterday when she called, I couldn't resist and answered her call. I maintained my composure and asked her how her and the kids were doing and kept the conversation fairly neutral. I did ask her if she ever really loved me, and she replied "Of course, and I still do". She asked me why I would question that, and I told her that I have questioned everything lately. Anyhow, it is now 24 hrs after that call and I am feeling miserable, hurt and without much hope. If anyone has any words of encouragement, I could use them right now.

[Mustachio]

I was stuck there too, even though i knew all the things you knew, i still pined for normality (i was 17 years remember, so a lot of undoing to do), but i just had to block that out my mind when it kept coming back. There really was no going back for me, even though she didnt cheat, in a way i wish she had as it would have made it easier for me to get to the hatred stage, which took about 6 months before i started to feel that, its gone now, and i wish and want happyness for her and her new fella, even offered to take the guy out for a beer, but he's wary about me and refused

 

I am still pissed off at her for what she did, but I think I am past the anger stage. I know that there is probably no going back for me either because whatever we might try and go back to is irreversibly changed. Yet there is still just that little bit of me that holds on. And in my case there is no way I will ever offer to take her bf out for a beer. As far as I see it, he knew she was in a relationship with me and still swooped in, regardless of the BS she was probably feeding him at the time. I also still think its complete crap that she strung me along and hurt me the way she did for her own benefit.

 

Yet... here I am still am. Why do I pine for her? Why do I miss her? The past is gone, dead, never coming back. That relationship is gone, dead, never coming back. Yet I still cant completely let go... and I know she is just a phone call away, but I dont really want to speak to her. This feeling is very difficult to describe... I dont want her in my life at all, yet I want her back. I just dont know what to do with it.

 

I too block it out, but it comes back. And right now its here, and stronger than it has been in a while. What do I do?

[Mustachio]

Heh, im looking for help here in my thread, but I can give you some. First, just curious, how long has it been since you broke up? And second, it really does get better.

 

I havent talked to my ex in 4 months, and yes it made me feel worse, but I have gained so much for myself since the end of the relationship that I wouldnt ever give up. And you will come to realize that you too have probably gained more than you know. I may be coming on here looking for advice, and it might seem like I am really down about all this still, but I am not. It is just remaining feelings I am having, they dont dominate my day, they are just kind of there.

 

Just keep your chin up, I have learned that most bad things that happen do end up with some positives coming from them.

[StandTall]

I've been out of the relationship for about 2 1/2 months and while my friends say I was doing better, I don't know that I feel it. I am taking an antidepressant to help me through the funk, but I realize that it can't fix things for me. While I didn't necessarily hear anything bad from talking to her yesterday, it gave me some hope that she misses me and will want me back which I know in the back of my mind wouldn't be good. The pain since talking to her is just excruciating- I will ignore future calls.

[britomart]

 

Yet... here I am still am. Why do I pine for her? Why do I miss her? The past is gone, dead, never coming back. That relationship is gone, dead, never coming back. Yet I still cant completely let go... and I know she is just a phone call away, but I dont really want to speak to her. This feeling is very difficult to describe... I dont want her in my life at all, yet I want her back. I just dont know what to do with it.

 

I too block it out, but it comes back. And right now its here, and stronger than it has been in a while. What do I do?

 

3 months after my ex broke up with me, I contacted my ex-ex, the one I was in a 6 year relationship with.

 

He is still with the person he left me for (wasn't exactly GIGS as there were big holes in the relationship tat we both didn't address). Talking to him brought back a lot of feelings from that relationship.

 

I was mourning the loss of what could have been...the fact that this person will never touch my life in the same way again...that our paths have irrevocably diverged. It was a pretty bitter pill for me to swallow.

[Mustachio]

I've been out of the relationship for about 2 1/2 months and while my friends say I was doing better, I don't know that I feel it. I am taking an antidepressant to help me through the funk, but I realize that it can't fix things for me. While I didn't necessarily hear anything bad from talking to her yesterday, it gave me some hope that she misses me and will want me back which I know in the back of my mind wouldn't be good. The pain since talking to her is just excruciating- I will ignore future calls.

 

Sure you may have that hope, but there will come a point where you just wont have that hope anymore and that will feel better. I dont have any hope that my relationship will come back. Although I miss it, I am ok without it, and you will be too. Ignoring calls is going to be difficult, but you gotta do what you can.

 

3 months after my ex broke up with me, I contacted my ex-ex, the one I was in a 6 year relationship with.

 

He is still with the person he left me for (wasn't exactly GIGS as there were big holes in the relationship tat we both didn't address). Talking to him brought back a lot of feelings from that relationship.

 

I was mourning the loss of what could have been...the fact that this person will never touch my life in the same way again...that our paths have irrevocably diverged. It was a pretty bitter pill for me to swallow.

 

I gotta ask, why did you contact the ex ex? What did you hope to accomplish? This is the point I find myself at now... to contact my ex or not? For what reason? I know there are things I wish to hold on to in some way, but I also know that those things dont exist anymore or never existed the way I thought. So then what is this desire I have to contact my ex and what could I possibly hope to get out of it?

[jimmajam]

If you're over it like you say and you have no hope of the relationship coming back, why not contact her? At this point, as someone else said, it might do you good depending on how she handles the contact. It may just solidify why you shouldn't go back or start contacting her again. Even though people here don't buy it, I do believe I am at the point where I could contact my ex without any negative repercussions. I feel like if I contacted her now and it went bad I would kind of feel bad for her because she still feels that way and can't see what really matters.

 

It's all about perspective. You can contact her and be vulnerable, or you can contact her and be in control where no matter which way it goes you're fine with it.

[Mustachio]

If you're over it like you say and you have no hope of the relationship coming back, why not contact her? At this point, as someone else said, it might do you good depending on how she handles the contact. It may just solidify why you shouldn't go back or start contacting her again. Even though people here don't buy it, I do believe I am at the point where I could contact my ex without any negative repercussions. I feel like if I contacted her now and it went bad I would kind of feel bad for her because she still feels that way and can't see what really matters.

 

It's all about perspective. You can contact her and be vulnerable, or you can contact her and be in control where no matter which way it goes you're fine with it.

 

I wouldnt claim I am 100% over it, if I was none of this would even be an issue right now. I think I could contact her with only very minimal repurcussions, ie. bringing up old thoughts. Would they bother me? probably slightly, but only slightly and they would be short lived.

 

What it is, is that I miss the past and am struggling to fully let it go, and by missing the past, I also miss her. I just dont know what to do about these feelings. My first instinct is to contact her... but to what end? What would I say, what would we talk about? And after all is said and done I cant really see myself ever becoming anything to her other than her boyfriend or just a very casual acquaintance... and why would I want to be casual a casual acquaintance with someone who has hurt me so badly? And just to wrap this train of thought up... yes, the desire to contact her is still there.

[britomart]

 

I know there are things I wish to hold on to in some way, but I also know that those things dont exist anymore or never existed the way I thought. So then what is this desire I have to contact my ex and what could I possibly hope to get out of it?

 

I think this... After contacting my ex, I realized that we are very far apart - relatively speaking. Fundamentally, we are still the same people. But he has lived 2 years of his life without me - I have no part in that. I wanted to see if I could get the same feelings of comfort - but I didn't...

 

Hmm...I don't know if the fact that it was 6 years makes any difference in the way I feel. I know I certainly reacted to them differently.

 

6 years - kept it to myself, didn't beg as much

5 months - spilled beans and beans, lots of angst even now

[jenna-is-here]

Hi Mustachio -

I think it is normal for these old feelings to come up when starting to date someone new. We start to remember again all the stuff we did with our ex. I recommend continuing to recognize those feelings and if they become too overwhelming, then you are not ready to date.

 

Also, try not to compare the two - different people bring different things to relationships. I recommend keeping an opened mind but if you cant get your ex out of your mind or you are not satisfied with the new relationship, then it is no fair to anyone to continue on with it.