Should I mention in my profile that I am looking for something serious/LT or leading to marriage?

[BriarRose]

I am going to try EH again after a long dating haitus due to months of medical treatments and a heartbreak in between (I am okay now). I have done on-line dating before, but it's been a long time.

 

I want to weed out the commitment phobes and men just looking for hook-ups. Also, I am older, so I would hope that a lot of men my age or older would be looking for something serious, too. I don't want to scare anyone away, but at the same time, I am not looking for a fwb.

[Jd1983]

Go for it. If you are seriously look for long time commitment then I don't see a reason not to mention it?

 

That way you don't waste other people's time and most importantly, you don't waste your time.

[pumpkinmoon]

Maybe not the marriage part but definitely mention that you are looking for something serious and a long term relationship

[BriarRose]

It's just that while I realize many relationships start off as 'friends', I tend to steer away from profiles that specifically state they are looking for "friend" or "companion". To me, that shouts someone that is not looking for anything serious.

[HouseKitten]

If there is the option as there are on some other sites to state what you are looking for, such as 'dating' or 'long-term' then select the long-term option. It's truthful after all.

 

However, I would avoid mentioning too much, if anything, about marriage in your actual profile. You don't want to come accross as being more after a wedding than an actual meaningful relationship, so keep the future-talk to a minimum.

 

Chances are MissKitty, you're going to get messages from guys who are only after sex anyway, because some guys don't even bother to read a profile before sending out a quick 'hey babe fancy meetin up?'. You can't avoid that, no matter what you put. All you can do is make your profile as clear and attractive to the men you do want to meet, and then you can just weed out the ones you're not interested in.

[annie24]

sure, i think you should. say what you are looking for. that is what i will do next time. maybe say that you are looking for a "serious relationship that has the potential to turn into marriage" or something.

[BriarRose]

I don't recall EH having the option to put dating type. What if I do what ShoeFairy suggests and mention long term, but not marriage?

[annie24]

but you do want marriage, right? so you should say it.

[BriarRose]

sure, i think you should. say what you are looking for. that is what i will do next time. maybe say that you are looking for a "serious relationship that has the potential to turn into marriage" or something.

 

Yes, that is how I was going to phrase it...."looking for something with the potential for long term"...or something like that....

[BriarRose]

but you do want marriage, right? so you should say it.

Yes, but I don't want to scare them away....

[annie24]

you want to scare away the committment phobe, and the guys who are looking for marriage as well will like it, right?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

A person who is also marriage minded will not get scared away. I will caution that many people are not honest on these dating sites. So while you may get a man who may CLAIM he is marriage-minded, doesn't mean he really is. Even married people can be commitmentphobes if they keep an emotional distance from their partner and are married in name only.

[HouseKitten]

I don't recall EH having the option to put dating type. What if I do what ShoeFairy suggests and mention long term, but not marriage?

 

That sounds fine to me.

 

Every relationship has to start with a first date. Only in Vegas do you get to skip straight to the marriage part I think it's completely acceptable to mention that you're looking for something with the potential to be a serious, long-term relationship - any man with half a brain will realise that this means you're open to marriage and so on. Unless you outright state you don't want to get married then I think it's a reasonable assumption that it'll be obvious you value commitment. Most people do.

[lavenderdove]

Yes, something like that... you want to weed out the people who are looking for flings or just want to date around or a lot of people at once.

 

Nothing wrong with saying what you're looking for... it will save a lot of time weeding out guys who just want to date around or want nothing serious.

[BriarRose]

Yes, something like that... you want to weed out the people who are looking for flings or just want to date around or a lot of people at once.

 

Nothing wrong with saying what you're looking for... it will save a lot of time weeding out guys who just want to date around or want nothing serious.[/QUOTE]

Exactly. While there is nothing wrong with that, it's not what I am looking for.

[anya85]

When I started link removed, I met lots of guys. Some were great--but they weren't interested in anything serious. They just wanted to do the fun things--the dates, hanging out, restaurants, movies, messing around. That was fun and all but I wanted something more.

 

So yeah, I added a little blurb to my profile that I was looking for something long term. Then I met my boyfriend. We've been together for a year so far. So yeah, I don't think it hurts to mention that you're looking for more. I personally, might not mention marriage in my profile, but I think they seem to understand "long term" as being potentially heading in that direction.

[BriarRose]

When I started link removed, I met lots of guys. Some were great--but they weren't interested in anything serious. They just wanted to do the fun things--the dates, hanging out, restaurants, movies, messing around. That was fun and all but I wanted something more.

 

So yeah, I added a little blurb to my profile that I was looking for something long term. Then I met my boyfriend. We've been together for a year so far. So yeah, I don't think it hurts to mention that you're looking for more. I personally, might not mention marriage in my profile, but I think they seem to understand "long term" as being potentially heading in that direction.

Yeah, I won't mention marriage. Just that I am looking for something leading to long term...

[newwave]

I wouldn't mention marriage in the profile. Many guys think that when women want to get married, they want to get married NOW. I know myself my experience is when a guy says he wants marriage, he tends to be needy and clingy right away. Besides, just because someone says they don't want marriage doesn't mean they won't change their mind. Some of the most anti marriage people I know are now married.

[HouseKitten]

Besides, just because someone says they don't want marriage doesn't mean they won't change their mind. Some of the most anti marriage people I know are now married.

 

Personally, especially in an older age group, I wouldn't start a relationship with a man who says he doesn't want marriage in the hope that he might change his mind. If you know you want marriage, this is almost as bad as taking on a man who says no to children in the hope he might decide differently later.

 

Sure, it might work out. But it's more likely you're just setting yourself up for failure.

[newwave]

Personally, especially in an older age group, I wouldn't start a relationship with a man who says he doesn't want marriage in the hope that he might change his mind. If you know you want marriage, this is almost as bad as taking on a man who says no to children in the hope he might decide differently later.

 

Sure, it might work out. But it's more likely you're just setting yourself up for failure.

 

But it's a chance, just like anything else. If someone told me on a first date they definitely wanted marriage it would send bad vibes. Now if they said it was an option in the future that's another story.

 

Would send bad vibes to me: "yes, I definitely want marriage and am dating so I can marry". In other words, a person might just want to marry anyone and couldn't care less whether they matched.

 

Wouldn't be bad: "sure marriage is a possibility in the future".

 

Actually marriage shouldn't be brought up early.

[newwave]

And "older age group" has nothing to do with anything.

[HouseKitten]

But it's a chance, just like anything else. If someone told me on a first date they definitely wanted marriage it would send bad vibes. Now if they said it was an option in the future that's another story.

 

Would send bad vibes to me: "yes, I definitely want marriage and am dating so I can marry". In other words, a person might just want to marry anyone and couldn't care less whether they matched.

 

Wouldn't be bad: "sure marriage is a possibility in the future".

 

Actually marriage shouldn't be brought up early.

 

Now what you've said there is completely different from a man saying he doesn't want marriage. In fact it's what most people would probably say. Accepting marriage as a possible part of the future - what I thought you were saying is that it's okay to date men who say they do not want to get married with the hope that they'll change their minds.

 

I agree though, marriage shouldn't really be brought up that early!

 

As for age - I believe it makes a difference. A man in his early twenties is more likely to not have thought about marriage that seriously. A man in his forties has probably been married once at least or gotten close - his views on marriage are more likely to be based on experience than ideals. Not that I'd go for either one if they both said marriage weren't an option ever.

[newwave]

But the thing is (and I speak from experience) that people often say things they don't mean. Even the guy I like, has told me that he really does want marriage, he's just afraid to mention it for personal reasons (which I'm not getting into). I've said I never wanted marriage though that wasn't always the case. People change once they start dating. Having said that, I think it's fine to ask if they are looking for a ltr right away, but not marriage. Age has nothing to do with it, and I am tired of people saying older people can't change. They can and I am proof of that. People often change for the right person. Even so if a guy on a first date brought up marriage, saying that was what he was looking for, I'd run.

 

Oh and guys who bring up marriage early, tend to rush the relationships, AND tend to be abusive. Saw this on Oprah. While I never had an abusive relationship, my personal experience is guys who bring up marriage early are very needy, clingy, or dominating.

[HouseKitten]

I wouldn't be impressed with a man who either was firmly against marriage or one who brought it up on the first date. Neither are great starts. There is the middle ground however of a man who is happy to get married one day, but isn't gushing about it before you've got your coat off.

 

Personally, I just think it's far too risky to date someone who states from the off, in a profile or otherwise, that they are not the marrying type. If he lies about it, that can't be helped. But if it was brought up early on, I would take it as a potential dealbreaker. Why waste years on a man who might never give you something you feel is important in a relationship? People don't change that often, young or old, especially when it's more a matter of opinion than serious issue. Lots of people don't want to get married, it doesn't make them bad people who need to be fixed, but it does make them people who probably shouldn't get involved knowingly with people who are definitely interested in marriage one day.

[citymouse]

MissKitty, I think it's definitely a good idea to mention you're looking for LTR so you can weed out the ones who are looking for flings.

 

I didn't write that in my profile when I tried online dating because like you, I was afraid of scaring guys off. In retrospect it wouldn't have scared off the one who ended up being my b/f, and maybe in the meantime I wouldn't have wasted any time emailing with guys who contacted me who ended up making inappropriate comments, etc.

 

Don't waste your time, just say what you want.

 

I'm not sure about mentioning marriage, though. I think there are some good arguments to be made for including that, but I lean more toward letting that sort itself out once you start dating someone in particular. I think it just depends on your comfort zone.