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boyfriend is worrying me


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Today was a day out of the ordinary.

It started out like any normal day - my boyfriend was really sweet to me and woke up telling me he loves me, he is lucky to be with me, he things I will be a good mom for our kids one day (seriously!) - and no, I'm not pregnant.

 

Anyways - nice morning. He gets up to make coffee and breakfast. I get up and ask him if he needs help and he says no but he's all cranky - so I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing hes just trying to clean the dishes. So i got in there and started doing the dishes cuz i know he hates doing them and he says "what are you doing? I don't want you to do this. Sometimes you do too much for me". ?? Anyways - all morning during breakfast he is irratable and grouchy and he says "you know what, i think it might be best if we do our own thing today".

 

So I packed my things to leave his house, and on the way out he didn't say good bye - he looked honestly - very DEPRESSED and I was worried about him. I've never seen him like that before! I went to my friends place and hung out with her all afternoon since the drive home for me is like an hour. On my way home I thought I'd stop by back at his place and see how he is doing, because I was honestly concerned about how he was acting. And I walked in and he gave me the look that said "what the heck are you doing here???" So I told him I was worried and just wanted to check in, but I would leave. He said he was happy I stopped in, told me all about what was bothering him, cried, and asked if I wanted to stay for supper but I declined. (he made it pretty clear he wanted to be alone)

 

 

Anyways, his phone has been turned off all day and still is. This is SOOO unlike him. He seems like hes in a depression. He's got a few major things that are stressing him out (his job, finances, etc.) and I think he's feeling pretty lost with his life. He wants a change but is unsure what he wants. All I know, is I've never in 6 months seen this side to him. And its so strange that he woke up all lovey dovey and then SNAP! it was get out of here I want to be alone. And he never turns his phone off - this is the first time its ever been off all day.

 

I'm really worried about him. AND about us. I'm kind of scared to get my heart broken again too. I know there is nothing I can do but give him his space right now. I'm just feeling really scared. He's always been so sweet and nice and caring to me, I'm not sure what happened.

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So, he kicked you out because his job & finances are bothering him? And the day before this, he was already fully aware of his finances & job & was okay with you being there then?

 

I would give him a little space & ask him tomorrow if he wants to break up. If he doesn't, he will say no. But if he does, all you're doing is bringing up the inevitable & letting the cat out of the bag. No need to sit on pins & needles waiting for him to do something.

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Well when I left today I did say "should I pack ALL my things? Like is this you wanting to break up with me?" and he said "no, its nothing like that. I love you I just don't know whats wrong with me".

 

Well, that's a good sign at least. Is that all he said was "bothered by finances & his job"? Are you fully satisfied with that explanation, or did his behavior seem extreme for the reasons he gave? Personally I wouldn't be so convinced. If you're going to kick me out, the least you can do is tell me exactly why.

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Well, that's a good sign at least. Is that all he said was "bothered by finances & his job"? Are you fully satisfied with that explanation, or did his behavior seem extreme for the reasons he gave? Personally I wouldn't be so convinced. If you're going to kick me out, the least you can do is tell me exactly why.

 

No. And he didn't exactly KICK me out - just told me he wanted some alone time. And I am satisfied with his reasons for feeling depressed and unsure of how to handle his feelings. I think he's feeling pretty hopeless, which is completely understandable given his situation. I just wish he would open his arms and let me be there for him instead of pushing me away.

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Just out of curiosity, when he said all those nice things to you in the morning what did you say back? Maybe his mood changed due to your reaction?

 

But anyways I think I understand how hes feeling he wants his space and wants to think and handle things on his own, after all hes a guy, he doesn't want your help with this. I get this way with my girlfriend whenever things start to fall into a routine. I get fed up when everyday feels the same and I just have to change something or kinda break away for a little while to figure out what i have to change. Of course my girlfriend would never understand this because shes perfectly happy with a routine life.

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It's ok for people to be depressed once in awhile, but it is not ok for them to treat you in a disrespectful way during that time. Give him his space, and be supportive if he needs it, but do not allow him to treat you in a way that you feel is disrespectful.

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Just out of curiosity, when he said all those nice things to you in the morning what did you say back? Maybe his mood changed due to your reaction?

 

But anyways I think I understand how hes feeling he wants his space and wants to think and handle things on his own, after all hes a guy, he doesn't want your help with this. I get this way with my girlfriend whenever things start to fall into a routine. I get fed up when everyday feels the same and I just have to change something or kinda break away for a little while to figure out what i have to change. Of course my girlfriend would never understand this because shes perfectly happy with a routine life.

 

Its possible. I did say I love him this morning and maybe I didn't say very much other than that , so it could have had something to do with it.

 

I'll give him as much space as he needs. I just hate when there is no communication. I don't know how much space he needs or how much he even wants me to be there for him. This is what makes it unusual, because we don't see each other through the week very much so he's always happy to spend the weekend with me. I'm not wanting a "routine" life either. I just want him to be happy and to share with me when he's not.

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Well, I thought after a day apart he might come to his senses and hmm... at least give me a phone call? Negatory. His phone was off all day yesterday. I haven't tried calling him today but he hasn't tried calling me either.

 

I know times are rough in his world, but it gives him no reason to treat me like this and put me outside his world. I'm feeling more and more anxious as time goes on and I'm not hearing anything from him. I have to take sleeping pills at night when I'm feeling like this. Not like its a bad thing - I rarely take them - only when I'm anxious. But, he shouldn't be making me feel this way.

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Well, I thought after a day apart he might come to his senses and hmm... at least give me a phone call? Negatory. His phone was off all day yesterday. I haven't tried calling him today but he hasn't tried calling me either.

 

I know times are rough in his world, but it gives him no reason to treat me like this and put me outside his world. I'm feeling more and more anxious as time goes on and I'm not hearing anything from him. I have to take sleeping pills at night when I'm feeling like this. Not like its a bad thing - I rarely take them - only when I'm anxious. But, he shouldn't be making me feel this way.

 

Okay, so there's something you have to understand about your boyfriend. He honestly sounds like he processes things a lot like I do, so here's the roadmap. This has nothing to do with you, so let's dial down the relationship angst meter. He is stressed and he has lots of things on his plate. What he's doing is he's hit his ceiling for how much his brain can handle all at once. Everyone has one. Now, he needs to be alone so he can process his situation and try to deal with it as best he can, and he can't do that if he has to be all lovey and nice with you. Relationships require effort. Energy to be spent. And right now, you're an effort he can't afford for a few days.

 

Now, he'll probably come back in a few days, apologize profusely and then he should be better. Now, that's likely what's going on with him. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is whether you want to deal with someone who parses stress this way.

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Honestly, it really sounds like he just needs time to process things and figure stuff out. For some people, when they feel their life is falling apart, they have to step back and concentrate on working through it. This means they can't spend time and energy trying to make you happy in addition to themselves. Stop being anxious and give him his time to pull himself together. Don't crowd him with calls or emails. Try sending him a short encouraging letter or email letting him know you're there for him, give him a few jokes to laugh at or pictures, but with no expectation of him sending anything back. Give him a week or two to settle things out. You need to understand that people process problems different. For you, you would love the immediate support of a loved one through every step. For him, it's something he wants to do himself. It's not an insult to you and he even told you he needs some thinking time. He would be a jerk if he disappeared without telling you but he did. Respect it.

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