I like him, then I don't like him, then I like him again. Why do I feel this way?

[JewelCat]

I've had this male friend for almost a year. I developed a bit of a crush on him, and he seemed interested in me too, but a little on the shy side. I think sometime around March of this year, even though we still enjoyed each others company, things began to feel very platonic. I wasn't attracted to him as much and whatever romantic "spark" I was feeling was fading fast. But, I still enjoyed his friendship.

 

Here's my problem: We hang out maybe once a week or every other week. Sometimes he initiates it and sometimes I do. When we're together, its still very platonic and I don't feel like taking things further than friendship. But then, always a couple of days after I see him, I miss him terribly! I come up with excuses to call or text him (which I usually don't follow through with), and find myself checking up on his Facebook at least once a day. Then one of us will initiate something, we'll meet up, and my romantic feelings for him vanish. I'm content for a couple days, and then I miss again, and the whole cycle repeats itself.

 

Right now, I haven't heard from him for a week and a half, so I miss him. I feel silly actually admitting that I know my feelings will go away the next time I see him (whenever that will be), but right now I can't stop thinking about him.

 

Has anyone else gone through this?

[JusticeLaw9]

If he was taken, I bet you'd miss him even more.

[Iakasot]

Think about how wolf packs operate. All females are attracted to the alpha male, and mate with betas in exchange for food or protection. People aren't completely like that, but we have the instincts to be. The romantic feelings come from a part of our brain called the "reptilian brain", they're very basic, and evolved a long time ago. Your reptilian brain doesn't necessarily pick partners that you'd logically want to be with and give you feelings for them. We are more logical in who we pick as friends, because the selection doesn't come from the same part of the brain!

 

People are very dynamic, and how we appear, and the impression we make, confidence level, etc, that all can easily change based on mood and setting. A lot of it is cues we don't even realize we're sending. When you develop a crush on someone, it's just a lot of the right cues that are attractive to you being sent off by him at once. For most guys this happens via luck, unless the guy is naturally confident almost all the time. This is why the phrase "getting lucky" was coined when it came to guys getting a girl to like them, and well...sex.

 

On the flip side, vast majority of guys have at least some sort of a default "liking" for most girls. Much like betas in wolf packs not turning down mating. This carries over into not just sex, but dating and romance as well. Men approach women a lot more (it's not just a tradition), men also end less relationships, and only file 30% of divorces, with women often filing over 70% of them, depending on what statistic you look at (it ranges 60-80%). It's by no means absolute, but it's a tendency for women to get "turned off" easier than men do, and that's what I think is happening with you here, JewelCat.

 

He by chance sent out a bunch of attractive traits indicating he's alpha at once that neither of you were aware of, and you got the crush on him. Then your impression changed from hanging out with him more, because girls, as you see from those statistics, have a lot of turn-offs, and maybe he sent out a bunch of signals that were turn offs. I'm sure you can relate, maybe from turning guys down before, or just how you look at "most guys". Then maybe he sent out attractive traits again and you liked him again. In either case, this mechanic applies to some extent to most relationships.

 

A lot of the crushes girls have had on me, and on my friends ended up being "I feel it, I don't feel it, I feel it again, I don't feel it again" for the girl. I think this is a decent analysis and there's a good chance it could apply to your situation. What do you think?

 

I hope it helps =D

 

Edit: Another interesting theory is push-pull theory of romance (one person pushes, the other pulls away, then the first person pulls away and the other starts pushing). People generally want what they can have less than what they CAN'T have. It's like JusticeLaw9 said. While this applies to some extent to both genders, in my experience women are more prone to it.

[IvantheAvg]

Wow...thats some interesting stuff...i think its the push-pull though in this case...attraction grows in space.

[Iakasot]

Wow...thats some interesting stuff...i think its the push-pull though in this case...attraction grows in space.

 

Well, the underlying human tendency behind push-pull applies to anything. If you love cherry ice cream, and you get a lifetime supply of it you'd grow sick of it, if you take a break from it you'd like it again. The reason why I think it's the other theory and not push-pull is because this whole time her feelings for him as a friend have been growing, regardless of whether they hung out of not, but not her romantic feelings, those have been fluctuating up and down. If it was her not liking him as much because she "had" him(like cherry ice cream), wouldn't that apply to having him as a friend too?

 

This is why I kind of held off on this idea in my original post, because if you assume it applies to this situation, the assumption has more holes than if you assumed the first theory. I decided to include the 2nd theory in the edit anyway though =p

[JewelCat]

Wow, Iakasot, that's a really interesting theory. There's a lot I'd like to say about it regarding my situation, so I'm gonna break it down:

 

Your reptilian brain doesn't necessarily pick partners that you'd logically want to be with and give you feelings for them. We are more logical in who we pick as friends, because the selection doesn't come from the same part of the brain!

 

That makes sense, actually. In the past I've gotten too attached to guys who were obviously wrong for me, and once I finally detach myself emotionally, I'd look back and wonder how I could miss all the obvious signs. I seem to be much better at walking away from "friends" who treat me badly, than guys who really just aren't that into me.

 

it's a tendency for women to get "turned off" easier than men do, and that's what I think is happening with you here, JewelCat

 

That could be true. I feel like meeting up with him just so I can test this theory lol In all seriousness, I do plan on calling him within the next couple days (the last time I talked to him, he said he'd save the Lost finale on his DVR for me, cause I knew I was gonna miss it, so I guess the ball is in my "friendship" court). I can't think of anything he's done that would turn me off so quickly, but I'll see what happens the next time I see him.

 

He by chance sent out a bunch of attractive traits indicating he's alpha at once that neither of you were aware of, and you got the crush on him. Then your impression changed from hanging out with him more, because girls, as you see from those statistics, have a lot of turn-offs, and maybe he sent out a bunch of signals that were turn offs. I'm sure you can relate, maybe from turning guys down before, or just how you look at "most guys". Then maybe he sent out attractive traits again and you liked him again.

 

I think he could be giving off (very subtle) signals that turn me off when I see him, but my "romantic" feelings for him always come back after a couple days of not seeing him or hearing from him. Maybe I'm imagining these attractive traits? Or misinterpreting other signals? I'm not sure. I think I'd go more with the push/pull theory on this one.

 

A lot of the crushes girls have had on me, and on my friends ended up being "I feel it, I don't feel it, I feel it again, I don't feel it again" for the girl. I think this is a decent analysis and there's a good chance it could apply to your situation. What do you think?

 

That's never been how my crushes were. When I liked someone, I knew I liked them and never really fluctuated. But usually, the, "I feel it, I don't feel it," pattern happened with me only if a guy liked me more than I liked him. Sometimes, I'd be completely on the fence about the guy, but I'd be searching for those "romantic sparks" because I really wanted to give him a chance. Sometimes, I'd end up liking him back, sometimes not. But if the crush was already there, I already liked him.

 

I should point out though, that there is (possibly) another girl in the picture. My guy friend became friends with another girl recently, and he's talked about her to me a few times, and I met her once very briefly. I don't think they're dating, but I'm pretty sure he likes her. Me being jealous about it seems to fluctuate on its own pattern, and not with the, "We're friends only, wait I miss him," pattern that my OP was about.

 

Wow, my emotions are confusing.

[michelle71289]

That's EXACTLY what i'm dealing with right now. What have you decided to do about it? Because I totally can't decide whether I want a relationship with him, or just friendship. When I sit next to him, I just want to stare at him all day, but then the next day I just want to be away from him. I'm thinking I could be bi-polar. Gosh, it sucks, because he's so freaking charming most of the time.

[michelle71289]

That's EXACTLY what i'm dealing with right now. What have you decided to do about it? Because I totally can't decide whether I want a relationship with him, or just friendship. When I sit next to him, I just want to stare at him all day, but then the next day I just want to be away from him. I'm thinking I could be bi-polar. Gosh, it sucks, because he's so freaking charming most of the time.

[kim827]

So glad to hear that others go through this as well. Someone please help me, hes a great guy but i just dont caee at the same time ans i dont know why. I'm really stressed. Is real love based on traits or justvpure attracfion?