What does this mean?

[Laura89]

Okay I'm in a long term relationship and while there have been rocky patches we are very strong and have a great relationship. Though lately things haven't been brilliant, hes a bit more moody and our sex life is no more at the moment as he hasn't been feeling very well. I'm still attracted to him and I love him very much.

Well heres the thing, I have a crush on a mate from work who is 8 years older than me, not that attractive but funny and kind (so is my br though) someone who I have even thought of in that way ever, till now, I went on a night out the other night and was dancing with him (non-sexual) and out of nowhere I wanted to kiss him and I also got disapointed when he went home early - i thought i was feeling this way because I was drunk, but the next day at work I was feeling the same way, I was even finding excuses to go near him. I don't want to break up with my boyfriend, and i would rather die than be without him, but im confused about this other guy, who im even ashamed to ammit liking to a close friend. It is normal to be attracted to someone who you know when in a relationship? Does this mean anything about the relationship I'm in?

P.s My boyfriend is my first proper BF.

[huskiesfan]

Of course it is normal. People in relationships do notice other attractive people sometimes, and little crushes may develop. If it says anything about your relationship, it is that right now you may be going through another "rough patch" in your relationship and this is your subconscious looking for that "spark" in other places.

 

That being said, if you love and are attracted to your boyfriend like you say you are, you are not willing to leave him. So you know what must be done here. Either work on things with your boyfriend to get out of this rough patch, or put some distance between you and this coworker so that these feelings die off of their own accord. Not doing so will only lead to more trouble down the road, especially if this crush stays or grows.

[Maverick44]

Of course it is normal. People in relationships do notice other attractive people sometimes, and little crushes may develop. If it says anything about your relationship, it is that right now you may be going through another "rough patch" in your relationship and this is your subconscious looking for that "spark" in other places.

 

That being said, if you love and are attracted to your boyfriend like you say you are, you are not willing to leave him. So you know what must be done here. Either work on things with your boyfriend to get out of this rough patch, or put some distance between you and this coworker so that these feelings die off of their own accord. Not doing so will only lead to more trouble down the road, especially if this crush stays or grows.

 

Just wanted to say I agree with huskiesfan post. It is true that you may find others attractive throughout the course of a relationship.

 

It's up to you to try to put the stop on it. From another viewpoint, the co-worker should probably try to distance himself from you if he was attracted to you as well as he would know you have a committed relationship.

 

Don't get me wrong - it is not friggin' easy on anyone's side if the crush continues to grow.

 

Maverick

[Laura89]

Thanks for your replies there is only one problem with distancing myself from him, hes a manager!

[huskiesfan]

Thanks for your replies there is only one problem with distancing myself from him, hes a manager!

 

Even if he is in a managerial position, you can still limit the contact you have with him to a level sufficent enough for work. Unfortunately, the nights out with coworkers may need to stop for a while, especially if he goes out with them as well.

 

Another step is to think about the potential consequences. Are you truly willing to stake your relationship on a workplace crush? Chances are, either this manager is going to find out by your actions around him, or your boyfriend will find out if you've cooled off towards him. That also goes along with the inherent risks in a manager/employee relationship. It could eventually jeopardize your job along with your relationship. Like I said before, if you still care and love your boyfriend, work things out with him. That alone may diminish this crush.

 

Wishing you the best.

[Laura89]

ummmm feel really down now. I tried as you said but the crush has begun to grow and I think I have made things obvious, because I'm acting all nervous in front of him. Now im afraid I've ruined our friendship.

 

Also we often joke around about stuff, and today he said along the lines "even if I wanted too, its forbidden for managers and employeers to see each other" - why would he say this if he thinks I'm joking.

[Maverick44]

It means he probably wants to but is also limiting himself.

 

Can you let me know why is the crush growing if you're really trying to limit it? Are you trying?

[Laura89]

I'm really confused Like I said I would rather die than be without my BF but at the same time I want this other guy to like me back. 2 people at work have found out because I make it so obvious.

 

Not sure why the crush is growing, maybe Im not trying hard enough.

 

Also am I "emotionally cheating"

[Laura89]

I don't know what to do things have got a lot worse. I really want him but at the same time I want to be with my BF forever as I love him so much. I am so confused

[oldenoughtoknow]

I'm really confused Like I said I would rather die than be without my BF but at the same time I want this other guy to like me back. 2 people at work have found out because I make it so obvious.

 

Not sure why the crush is growing, maybe Im not trying hard enough.

 

Also am I "emotionally cheating"

 

He likes you back. Now you can stop.

 

No, it doesn't appear that you're trying hard enough.

 

Yes, this is definitely emotionally cheating.

[Laura89]

He likes you back. Now you can stop.

 

How do you work this out? Just wondering because I haven't gave much info away

[oldenoughtoknow]

It seems that this is about boundaries. As huskiesfan and Maverick44 said, it is normal to be attracted to other people when you are in a LTR. You will find this especially so when you are going through an extended illness and/or sexless rough patch with your partner. But when you have boundaries in place, you take the harmless flirtation as just that - take the nice ego boost, and walk away. When you start to seek it, and the flirtation escalates, and then you make excuses for why it is still only harmless, that's when you've failed to maintain your boundaries and you cross the line.

 

This IS an emotional affair. At least for you. You are showing no respect for your SO and your relationship. It sounds like your friend is holding to his boundaries relatively well. I don't mean to sound sexist with this comment at all, but as you described him and if your avatar is your real photo...he is really putting forth an effort to stick to his boundaries - almost a beauty and the beast type of thing. You need to back off of this. Stay away from temptation (him) as much as you can. Talk to him about it, if you have to, or if you see that he is noticing your reduced attention and flirting - I understand that you don't want to jeopardize your job. But DO it.

 

You've said that you have a great guy at home. And the road to temptation is on a very slippery slope - you're already starting to slide. Step back and think about this. Do you REALLY see this guy as potential relationship material? Is he REALLY willing and available? Do you REALLY want to potentially destroy so many people's lives by letting this go too far?

[Laura89]

Thank you for your advice, I do want this crush to go away its not fair on anyone, I agree. But I'd be too nervous talking to him about it as it might ruin me being friends with him even more.

 

btw my avatar is Shawnee Smith from Saw 3, I wish that was me lol