afguy200105 Posted May 30, 2010 Share Posted May 30, 2010 I have mostly been reading other threads instead of posting myself, but today I wanted to vent because hopefully it will help. So after my dealings with her about the money issue a month and a half ago, I sent her an email saying I have to let go finally. She sent one back, and about a week later I was just feeling so distraught that I sent her another one saying I was sorry for everything, like I have done so many times. She sent an amicable one back, and that was around two weeks ago or so. To be honest with everyone, every day has been a struggle for me to move on, and not just recently, but all the way back to August of last year. The period I went 3 months of NC was better I suppose, but I was still struggling so much, and thoughts just consumed me all the time. Thinking back, I was still really struggling then, and it never got better toward the end of that period either. I just am having such a hard time letting go. I have so much guilt still over all I caused in the relationship, and just all the negative actions I took. I really am a better person for learning from those flaws and mistakes, but it just feels like it doesn't matter. The one person I want to see my changes still sees me as the person I was, and only focuses on the negativity of it all. It kills me that I can't show her, and when I have she just doesn't want to be around me at all. Her opinion shouldn't matter at all to me, but it truly does. Even after all that I learned about her and the type of person she is, I still want to be with her. That can't happen, so I truly just want to get over it all and stop feeling so guilty about stuff that happened a year ago. I am still seeing a counselor, and have been going out alot with friends and even on alot of dates. I may not be near ready for that, but sometimes it does help a little, at least to just hang out with somebody else. I just don't know what else to do, because I am starting to feel like my life doesn't matter anymore again, and the activities I am doing or pursuing are for nothing. Every day that goes by seems to have gotten worse over the past two weeks, and I am becoming a wreck. I am looking and acting fine on the outside to everyone else, but on the inside I am dying and really feel like I don't want to continue on with this life. Stupid to say I know, because the rationality for that just isn't there, but thats how I feel. I am afraid though that I will not be able to ever get past this, as it has been such a long time already. Reading similar stories help, and even people that are in much dire situations help too, but I am just brought back to my own. Link to comment
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