I am still really struggling

[afguy200105]

I have mostly been reading other threads instead of posting myself, but today I wanted to vent because hopefully it will help.

 

So after my dealings with her about the money issue a month and a half ago, I sent her an email saying I have to let go finally. She sent one back, and about a week later I was just feeling so distraught that I sent her another one saying I was sorry for everything, like I have done so many times. She sent an amicable one back, and that was around two weeks ago or so. To be honest with everyone, every day has been a struggle for me to move on, and not just recently, but all the way back to August of last year. The period I went 3 months of NC was better I suppose, but I was still struggling so much, and thoughts just consumed me all the time. Thinking back, I was still really struggling then, and it never got better toward the end of that period either.

 

I just am having such a hard time letting go. I have so much guilt still over all I caused in the relationship, and just all the negative actions I took. I really am a better person for learning from those flaws and mistakes, but it just feels like it doesn't matter. The one person I want to see my changes still sees me as the person I was, and only focuses on the negativity of it all. It kills me that I can't show her, and when I have she just doesn't want to be around me at all. Her opinion shouldn't matter at all to me, but it truly does. Even after all that I learned about her and the type of person she is, I still want to be with her. That can't happen, so I truly just want to get over it all and stop feeling so guilty about stuff that happened a year ago.

 

I am still seeing a counselor, and have been going out alot with friends and even on alot of dates. I may not be near ready for that, but sometimes it does help a little, at least to just hang out with somebody else. I just don't know what else to do, because I am starting to feel like my life doesn't matter anymore again, and the activities I am doing or pursuing are for nothing. Every day that goes by seems to have gotten worse over the past two weeks, and I am becoming a wreck. I am looking and acting fine on the outside to everyone else, but on the inside I am dying and really feel like I don't want to continue on with this life. Stupid to say I know, because the rationality for that just isn't there, but thats how I feel. I am afraid though that I will not be able to ever get past this, as it has been such a long time already. Reading similar stories help, and even people that are in much dire situations help too, but I am just brought back to my own.

[jenna-is-here]

Hello -

 

Thank you for reaching out to us and posting this. Just to recap, I think you are trying to say, you are slipping back into that menatlity of "with out that love, what is life really worth?"

 

I think many of us has thought this during post breakup. It is a REALLY hard process to create the self-worth. Life does not seem as exciting or things dont seem as meaningful. Trust me, I battle with it everyday.

 

I do think that we must first define ourselves, learn to stand alone, define our own value. Much easier said than done. I assume since last August you have had moments of peace or contentness. I am not saying that you were 100% but more that you said to yourself, "hey, Im going to be okay." If you had that, you will have it again.

 

I think those letters threw you for loop. You have regressed a bit and it stirred up some old feelings. Try to think of who you were before you met here. How you felt as a person. And hold onto that.

[afguy200105]

Yes, I just don't feel worth it anymore. I feel like my life is so incomplete without her, and I know that it is not the case. Today was a very horrible day for me. I did do something that interests me, and that helped for a couple of hours. When I was driving back home a little while ago, I thought I saw her car, and it looked just like her and her boyfriend. After a little while, I realized that it wasn't them...at least I think so. My mind seeing them driving together though just tore my emotions apart. I am still affected by the smallest things like that, and I just get triggered. At times like these, I really really don't do so well, and just get really afraid at what I could do. I just miss what we had so much, and even though I shouldn't, still 100% blame only myself, because in large part it was my fault. This is were I just cannot get over the guilt, regardless of what she did, or what she has done to me since August...some of which is pretty heinous.

 

And to what you said, when I do think of my life before her, it was very plain and I was generally not happy. Once she came along though, my perspective changed, and my life seemed alot more fulfilled. I just don't know what to do, and I just need more help. I can't contact her because nothing good on my end would come out of that, only more hurt. I just want to stop hurting so bad!!!

[coolchick64]

Yeah, don't contact her. But think about what made your life happier with her in it. Obviously there are some things that require her participation, but I suspect a lot of it you could do yourself or with other people. For example, if you got out and tried new activities with her, start looking for new things to try and invite someone else. If it was having a confidante, start spending time reconnecting with your old friends. Focus on building a support network for yourself.

 

My point is if you weren't happy before you met her, that's something you can work on. Your happiness isn't dependent on her and if it is, that's a big problem you should be solving. No matter who you're with, you have to be capable of happiness on your own. Work on that for a while and see if things don't improve.

[stu1973]

I can totally identify with this, before I met her, my life was plain and I was generally not happy too! I did everything possible to make myself happy, I've always exercised hard 6 days a week, I like cooking, have lots of male and female friends, close family, daily dog walks, frequent overseas travel, reading self help books. I did all I could to be happy, but ultimately, when she came along, everything became colourful, I had a spring in my step, she was what was missing from my life, she completed me. Now she's gone and I feel just like you do, and like you, I have the guilt that I pushed her away, and had I not been such an idiot, we'd be together. I'm in the same boat as you, so I hope it helps to know that, it helps me to know other guys are. I don't enjoy stuff anymore, my life without her is incomplete too.

 

Everyone says you should be able to be happy on your own, but I tried, did everything I could to be happy, she brought happiness.

 

Sorry for the hijack!