just me

[andi8172]

a brief history of me well junior school iwas bullied so theres no surprise iwas scared to go to senior school but in my first couple of months something strange happened.

Just sat there one day when the most popular girl in school came and sat next to me we became immediate friends and i became a popular person, everybody knew me and it felt great we wernt bf/gf but great pals all through school.unfortunately the work was changed half way through my time and the old studies were worthless ,so i guess you could blame that for some failures i know i do.

On to work i never really knew what i wanted to do so i followed in other family trades often being put down so id fail at them and move on .

what i wanted to do at the time was go to art college but my parents wouldnt let me forced me to get numorous job to bring money in often telling me im not clever enough for that job.So after settling in a printing job i had to move out i needed my space and distance and it was all going well until a family member stole my chequebook and sold most of my properties and when i told my parents i got told stop going on about it Well i lost everything had to move home started drinking and it was all downhill from there .Many years later and still drinking but in my own place i just had enough and took pills,alcohol and put a wire round my neck but in an unconcious state i passed out and couldnt do anything i fell breaking a door alerting a neighbour who phoned an ambulance.My dad never visited just said ive nothing to talk about with him.

ell a while later my mum got cancer she only lasted 2 months i think she wanted out aswell but i moved back home to help my dad financially but it just drove a bigger wedge and i soon moved out again.

so to the modern day i gave up drink been 6 months now but i still live on my own no friends still wanting to end it all by taking numorous pills sleeping with i knive i use to cut myselve i wire under my bed and ready to go.

Sothats the short version of my life will there be more who knows im 38 now i have nothing own nothing know no one never been in love or been loved but for short while i was liked and i liked it shame they all see me as i nice guy if only they knew my head

[andi8172]

So why do i feel like killing my self,well there are certain aspects of my life i cant talk about,How does somebody become no one i dont know most people i knew moved /got married or maybe they just had more drive than me .When i was about 14 i began to think about death i said to myself if i am not married by the time im 30 i just as well kill myself then when i was 30 and i thought lets give it a while ,great move im 38 now still single not evan been in love after one attempt on my life im sure that thats about all i can take ill get it right one day but im so fed up of this world and its itll be ok soon group,its not gonna get better unless i try to make it better but ive been trying that for so long now.Look at the news the world is crap,full of racist, homophobic, terrorist groups,whatever happened to live and let live i dont care what race ,group, sex you are im a nice person thats my problem and perhaps we who r fed up of life are just too good for this place......!

[andi8172]

I am a person

but does anyone notice

iam a person

who wants someone to care

i cut myself

i take the pills

but im still here.

i go to sleep

but not to wake

i wisn i wasnt the one i hate

i dont know what i ever did wrong

to live my life all on my own

im not a bad human being

just a guy who no ones seeing

it always seems that good goes bad

one day im happy the next ten sad

i want some hope that lifeill be fine

but lifes not like that especially mine

ive tried my best

cant try no more

whats there left

just not sure

i went to hospital and loved it there

when i awoke some one cared

they asked me why?

and then i lied

the truth is this

id like to die

i know my family and they may grieve

perhaps its best if i dont leave

if i dont wake up will people care

will anyone notice im not there

this is my life

i want to die

so if i dont wake up please dont cry

i dont want to get old and all alone

cos ive been young and thats been done

 

andi8172

i wrote this at a low point

[andi8172]

well another day im still here still alive to be honest it wasnt such a bad day today, i was too tired to care about too much and up to now i hadnt thought about cutting but it didnt take too long before i was at it again just looked at my bank account wow 2 pounds left but i dont care about that either,how much i would love a drink and some pills just aswell ive got no drink or money to bye any lol any hows another day done...

[andi8172]

okay ive woke up but whats the point of waking up when no one is around . No one to see if youre still alive i just walked up the street but im so in my own place i couldnt look up i just walked looking at the pavement and then i thought why not just keep walking until your far away and nobody can find you but i had to go home!cant think why though but as i was walking home i was thinking to myself i need a sharper tool to finish this and i had to force myself away from the shop how long can i keep doing this i dont know.ive been having these dreams where i end it all and it seems like people will find me because i keep seeing it in a forest somewhere so i guess if i stay by this computer ill be okay i just dont know anymore..

[andi8172]

okay im back at home now and ijust feel that im on that slippery slope i feel like going round the shop buying rope and alcohol ive already got enough pills to start the job .I dont know whats wrong about two weeks ago i joined facebook i had about 15 friends or should that be people i know however today two of them closed their account yes its may be nothing to do with me but why do ifeel its my fault one of them lived for facebook if im doing this to people perhaps its best just to finish . from the moment i woke today i thought this could be the day i guess i may find out how low i can get b4 doing something stupid

[andi8172]

so another day i feel thatthis is the beginning of the end well in truth i feel like that everyday however it getting harder to move mentally and physically again it been a couple of days since i cut but the amount of pills im taking must be doing something i hope its quick,it seems hard to wake up happy if my sleep is broken every hour by bad thoughts facebook deactiated andstill no one notices so come on god if youre testing me ive failed life isnt for everyone who to say the next world is the end perhaps you can move on from the next world too.I think the truest thing i ever heard was,ive got a bad feeling if there is such a thing as reincarnation ill come back as me!

[andi8172]

its a good job i live on the ground floor here cos i think i would have thrown myself out the window by now ive had enough of this i went up the road today and im fedup of doing that now i wonder what i would say if someone phoned me just to say hello how are u god id love to tell them the truth,but no one will ever ring not till they need a favour dont get me wrong i dont mind doing favours but how about asking me whats wrong but if they did id lie and say everythings fine,but its not fine im not fine im struggling to not go and get something to hurt myself, i did look at things that may help me end this but i was too fed up to even cue up to buy,so thats probably a good thing i have enough stuff to do the job anywayat least when i was drinking i would pass out b4 i could do anything now i think if i start drinking itll just give me that final push,maybe not today,maybe not tomorrow,but soon and for the rest of my life..............!

[andi8172]

ok so a family member just visited and im curious to what she wants?this is the person who stole all my cd's dvd's,chequebook etc.not only me though my mum as she was dying of cancer she stole her credit card and ran up a 5 grand debt.would love to know what shes after.

ive not had to bad a day apart from that ya know there were songs that played and i thought about just putting my foot down and driving into a bridge i guess those feelings wont go away but i havent cut myself for a few days even when i wanted to and with the stress of everything going wrong even this computer which may die first i suppose im not doing too bad today

[andi8172]

thats it ive had enough of this c**p ive had enough of people enough of work, enough of banks enough of waking up to the same BS everyday im going to take these pills and hopefully blow my heart to smithereens so thanks dad bet you dont even remember me visiting yesterday no you were too p****d four times at least you asked me hows things and passed back out.cant sleep so lets see if all these sleeping pills work with the rest of em i just want everybody to know ive had enough i dont want to do this anymoresomebody must have noticed i cant talk without welling up.

DEAR GOD

 

If this is a test lets just agree that i failed again

this aint no test this is torture so do the decent thing and take

me now no more tests no more depression no more thoughts

just do it !

[andi8172]

im not sad anymore just angry why am i so friggin useless dont listen to my advice im pathetic,why would anyone need me,as hard as i tried today someone has to spoil everything im better off on my own i just feel i was born too die im nice and polite to people i do gentlemanly things like hold doors open help old people lend a hand if people need it and what do i get jacks**t thats what im fed up of everything someone kill me now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[andi8172]

if you should find this and im gone just know its no ones fault but mine i just couldnt take anymore i cant remember the last time i was happy i couldnt go on being sad and crying myself to sleep i hate myself and everything i became .......

[andi8172]

so im back yep people did notice but i dont think its enough

[andi8172]

so ive had enough now enough of hopital enough of being out/being in ive just gone down the shop what are the odds of buying some pills and two of the boxes being empty i know it happen too everyone but for me it just happerns too much i just think why me? i know in a while people will notice im not back,but whats the point in fightingback when you dont want too,to carry on youve got to want to and i dont because whoever is looking down on me is punishing me for something ,but i dont know what or why.Thats two attempts now i cant even get that right and dont tell me theres a reason for failure cos god has a plan thats garbage i still cant find a reason to go on i dont want to go out but i dont want to stay in it was such an effort to move this morning but i had to just to get out of hospital i wont go back this time.just to think i should have been twice by now third time lucky eh! again im sorry if anyone finds this i dont know why i do this i just have no meaning](*,)

[andi8172]

nearly eight years since you passed,still thinking of you,still cant cope without you dreading november, if im still here,dont wanna be.

[andi8172]

i dont think it will be long before im with you ,i sit here looking out the window on a dull grey day and wonder if its ever been any brighter than this im stuggling to stay cut free and todays the first day in a long time i could actually do with a drink but im not going too.ive been thinking of you all day i just wish i could do it without doing it or by accident i just dont want to go on the cats still here but shes getting on now and once she goes theres even less to keep going for people are already talking about xmas and thats destroying me too but i think im out of here before that even simple things are going wrong today i sat at work this morning for 2 hours and done sod all so i came home and just thought maybe todays the day i honestly thought shall i just drive up to beachy head and get this done it would be easier than explaining why ive sold things i want the money put aside for your cat ive looked after her for ya! and remember ,will you know my name,if i see you in heaven andix

[andi8172]

well another day im still worried because a few times i woke last night thinking shall i just cut myself and go back to sleep and when you considor the other day when i smashed some glass and it stayed on floor for two days ,i had no thoghts of cutting myself.i think no matter what i take its not going to work,it hasnt so far years of taking over the counter pills,sleeping pills etc and i still wake up every day and its harder sober,i hope it wasnt like this for my departed and yet people still play with my mind they never did that when you were around you protected me from all the mind games .