Why cant let go?

[hegarty]

have been in a 5yr relationship with I guy I feel I love unconditionally! I love him that much that in 5 yrs I have put up with being emotionally and physically abused, cheated on, and lied too. I feel that I have dealt with everything that a man can do to hurt you, I’m extremely resilient and can now deal with anything, my skin is so tough that sometimes I think it can’t be a good thing? Throughout the relationship I have had a determination not to give up on him and that one day he will change and I will be rewarded by having a partner I have always wanted and think I deserve. In 5yrs we have attempted to live together 4 times, each time I have always put the money up for deposits and so forth, so when the relationship hasn’t worked again I am left with the bills and debt, and with the help of the constant need to please him and make him happy I would buy him designer clothes, pay for holidays abroad, bought him two cars and eventually I had to declare myself in bankrupt at the age of 27! I know being in this relationship isn’t good for me, I am not a down trodden person, I stick up for myself, I am a confident person and have always done well in life (I am now at university studying for a degree), I have a good family, and good circle of friends. When I read things about abused women, I always read that they can be very down with no confidence, and don’t get me wrong at one time I probably was too, but not now! The last time we split he decided to move on and found another girlfriend (2 days after we split). He was only with her a matter of weeks and probably only ever embarked in it to make me jealous or something, which of course I was at first because in 5 yrs I have never, even contemplated moving on and couldn’t believe that after putting all the hard work into our relationship he had so little respect! Pretty stupid to think a man that emotionally and physically abuses me would ever have respect for me anyway but I am dreamer. Well now we are back together again but had decided to live apart, to see if that helped. It hasn’t! He is still abusing me most times I see him (I sit here with a split lip). My friends don’t understand why I put up with it? They always say you are a slim beautiful brunette that has a cracking personality and things going for you, you could have any man you want? But the trouble is I want this man, and I am that tragic that put up with being treated so badly, as long as he is mine ill just deal with it. Obviously I am always thinking that I deserve better and know that I should want better for myself. I had a textbook upbringing, my mum and dad have a great relationship and I can’t even remember them having a cross word throughout my childhood, him on the other hand has had a terrible childhood, full of abuse, alcohol, drugs, infidelity, crime and violence (he is a big drinker himself). When I psycho analyse myself I always think that maybe I think he is my project and I’m a competitive person that doesn’t like failing in anything and that’s why I can’t let go? But why am I so desperate for his attention and presence? When he has no intention of wanting to get help or even try to see why he is the way he is? Why can’t I just think he isn’t worth it and cut him out of my life? I don’t understand my own thoughts, feelings and actions? It feels like I’m in a vicious circle because I have tried to cut him out of my life and actually he has always respected that and has not mitherd me, but every time I miss him so much I can’t eat, sleep or function, it sounds extreme but that is how it really is! I always end up getting in touch with him and asking how he is and then meeting him as a friend then sleeping with him then powwow I’m back where I was, it’s like I get sucked into the dream again that one day he will change and I’ll get the beautiful man I have always believed was inside? I can’t see myself ever not wanting him back every time? I’m so frustrated with myself that I can’t let go because I do really want to but I feel like I can’t? Why can’t I let go?

[Shadows Of Us]

I've been going through a similar situation. My abuser was a woman. We were together for about 5 years and I bought her everything under the sun that my credit could handle. I, too, had to file for bankruptcy. She lied and cheated, too. She recently left (last week) after making many empty promises. I was used by her. she squeezed everything she could out of me before leaving. And THAT is my fault for not seeing it . . . I feel like I can't be without her . . . she doesn't call me or write . . .she hooked up with a neighbor/mutual aquaintance and i guess they have a long distance thing going . . . and still I want her back. Thankfully, I moved to a new apt complex so I don't have to see that . . . She's still gets under my skin without saying a word . .. she's put up all these new photos of herself and her new life - she seems happy. I want her to be happy . . . but my pain feels ignored and important to me . . .why isn't it important to her? You must be feeling some pain - do you think it's important to him? Think about all the things he has put you through for the last 5 years. It doesn't seem like it will change. I blocked her and can no longer see her moving on . . . Maybe she's putting up a front . . . but it's more likely she doesn't care about anyone but herself. even if she does love me, she's too damaged to be a part of my life. I have felt the same way as you - that the abuse made me tougher. I am finding that isn't really true. Don't kid yourself, he won't change without massive amounts of help and time alone to fix himself. I am lucky that she let me go by breaking up with me . . . there are so many other horrible ways this could have ended . . . I figured she could have ended it one of two ways . . .finding someone else to believe her lies or killing me . . . and she had threatened to kill me. In a way, I feel bad for the person she is with now. I don't perceive myself to be weak at all . . . but I am NOT tougher . . . I'm more defensive. I've put friends and family off with my attitude, at times. You seem like, other than him, you have your stuff together and you know what you want and need. You seem like a strong person. Be stronger for yourself and get him out of your life. Talk with someone about it . . . friend, counselor . . . you don't deserve to be hurt . . . Has he ever sought help to stop abusing you? being in love and being abused all at once is killer . . . it makes you look past your unhappiness - to a point where you aren't really living for yourself but for him. you can lose yourself - maybe you already have. I know I did .. .I am in the process of rediscovering who I am. I thought I knew because I was doing the things I needed to for me but I wasn't happy and I wasn't me. Being me got me hit .. .yelled at and shamed .. . . what does it do for you? Just think long and hard . . . please don't become a statistic . . . take care of yourself . . . You deserve be free of a life when you wonder when the next hit will come . . .he needs help but you need help first . . . hope you get out of it . . . You shouldn't be someone's back up plan when things don't work out with someone else . . . and you should NEVER be someone's punching bag . . . good luck . . .

[Shadows Of Us]

also, it wasn't easy to take her out of my life . . .but I did it because it is what I need. I threw away all pics of us and her . . . poems, letters, gifts . . . reminders . . . gone. It was HARD but I did it . . . I very recently started therapy . . . because talking it out with a pro is safe . . . it's a place you can be most honest about what you feel inside . . . and get guidance to get back to a better you . . .

[turnera]

I have had a determination not to give up on him and that one day he will change and I will be rewarded by having a partner I have always wanted and think I deserve

First, you can NOT change someone else. If he isn't what you want him to be, stop expecting him to be. He never will.

 

Second, do you have a good relationship with your mother? If so, tell her the truth about him. See what she says. My bet is she wouldn't want her daughter to completely throw her own wants and needs out the window just to have a guy 'choose' her.

 

You are just as valuable as he is. Why should it be YOU who makes all the sacrifices.

 

Sometimes, LOVE is just not enough to justify being in a relationship.

 

Don't waste the next 30 years of your life waiting for him to care. You deserve to find someone who will love you BACK.

[teabee]

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

 

Why would you expect him to change after all this? You recognize it's abuse, even. It is time to let this relationship go. He does not deserve your unconditional love, YOU deserve your unconditional love, and you are not loving or respecting yourself by staying with him.

 

Have you ever sought therapy? You mentioned having a lot of trouble functioning without him. That does not mean you NEED him, that just means it will take effort to stay away from this loser. You can do it, and it will be worth it.

[teabee]

Also, your view of love is very twisted. "I love him so much that..."

You should never suffer for a boyfriend. That is not love. If you loved yourself enough, you would get far far away. I hope this is making sense to you

[Scorpion Fury]

You can't let go until you accept that he is the way he is and he will never change. You haven't accepted that yet. You keep thinking he will change. He won't. It's not gonna happen sweetheart. He's. Not. Going. To. Change. There it is. Once you get this through your head and accept it, letting go becomes much easier.

[TN-Walker]

Abusers don't change. Ever. It is ingrained deep into their personalities, and to think that you can change them is the biggest trap you'll ever fall into.

 

This guy is using you, and you're falling for it hook, line, and sinker. Re-read everything you wrote, but pretend it was written by a friend or sister. What would you tell her?

 

He doesn't love you, and he doesn't deserve your love or time. No one treats someone they love this way. The behavior you're exhibiting is typical of women who have been brainwashed into thinking that they can't let go of a guy. But you know what? You can let go. It's not easy, but it has to be done. I know, because I just got out of a relationship with my emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive husband.

 

Check out the following articles. They really helped me when I had to make a decision to break free of the abuse.

 

Do yourself a favor and love yourself enough to put yourself first. You have to protect yourself from this guy before something awful happens and you end up dead (and it happens all too often.) Sometimes you have to be selfish to survive.

 

Good luck and hugs,

 

Lisa