hegarty Posted May 30, 2010 Share Posted May 30, 2010 have been in a 5yr relationship with I guy I feel I love unconditionally! I love him that much that in 5 yrs I have put up with being emotionally and physically abused, cheated on, and lied too. I feel that I have dealt with everything that a man can do to hurt you, I’m extremely resilient and can now deal with anything, my skin is so tough that sometimes I think it can’t be a good thing? Throughout the relationship I have had a determination not to give up on him and that one day he will change and I will be rewarded by having a partner I have always wanted and think I deserve. In 5yrs we have attempted to live together 4 times, each time I have always put the money up for deposits and so forth, so when the relationship hasn’t worked again I am left with the bills and debt, and with the help of the constant need to please him and make him happy I would buy him designer clothes, pay for holidays abroad, bought him two cars and eventually I had to declare myself in bankrupt at the age of 27! I know being in this relationship isn’t good for me, I am not a down trodden person, I stick up for myself, I am a confident person and have always done well in life (I am now at university studying for a degree), I have a good family, and good circle of friends. When I read things about abused women, I always read that they can be very down with no confidence, and don’t get me wrong at one time I probably was too, but not now! The last time we split he decided to move on and found another girlfriend (2 days after we split). He was only with her a matter of weeks and probably only ever embarked in it to make me jealous or something, which of course I was at first because in 5 yrs I have never, even contemplated moving on and couldn’t believe that after putting all the hard work into our relationship he had so little respect! Pretty stupid to think a man that emotionally and physically abuses me would ever have respect for me anyway but I am dreamer. Well now we are back together again but had decided to live apart, to see if that helped. It hasn’t! He is still abusing me most times I see him (I sit here with a split lip). My friends don’t understand why I put up with it? They always say you are a slim beautiful brunette that has a cracking personality and things going for you, you could have any man you want? But the trouble is I want this man, and I am that tragic that put up with being treated so badly, as long as he is mine ill just deal with it. Obviously I am always thinking that I deserve better and know that I should want better for myself. I had a textbook upbringing, my mum and dad have a great relationship and I can’t even remember them having a cross word throughout my childhood, him on the other hand has had a terrible childhood, full of abuse, alcohol, drugs, infidelity, crime and violence (he is a big drinker himself). When I psycho analyse myself I always think that maybe I think he is my project and I’m a competitive person that doesn’t like failing in anything and that’s why I can’t let go? But why am I so desperate for his attention and presence? When he has no intention of wanting to get help or even try to see why he is the way he is? Why can’t I just think he isn’t worth it and cut him out of my life? I don’t understand my own thoughts, feelings and actions? It feels like I’m in a vicious circle because I have tried to cut him out of my life and actually he has always respected that and has not mitherd me, but every time I miss him so much I can’t eat, sleep or function, it sounds extreme but that is how it really is! I always end up getting in touch with him and asking how he is and then meeting him as a friend then sleeping with him then powwow I’m back where I was, it’s like I get sucked into the dream again that one day he will change and I’ll get the beautiful man I have always believed was inside? I can’t see myself ever not wanting him back every time? I’m so frustrated with myself that I can’t let go because I do really want to but I feel like I can’t? Why can’t I let go? Link to comment
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