Ahh...hell - I don't know what to call it but I'm writing for now....

[Maverick44]

I haven't written a journal like this before. I was seeing a therapist last year and I was writing my thoughts at that time. I stopped after seeing the therapist because I thought I was over things, etc...

 

Lately, I'm noticing behaviors in myself I don't like. I think it's good to write things up again.

 

I have been bummed out lately - looking at my life in a very negative view. I know it doesn't have to be like this. I'm having difficulties.

 

I have spent today on my couch all day. I haven't done a thing. I don't like that.

 

I think this journal is to start helping me work through things that I'm having a difficult time comprehending.

 

I'll be posting up a bit of the history of how I got here.....and eventually where I'm at now. From there, it'll be day to day thoughts....

 

We'll see how it goes.

 

Maverick

[Maverick44]

I've been a member off/on of this forum since late 2003. I can remember that at the time I was getting over a relationship that had ended with a girl I dated for 9 months. I'm over here. I think I was her rebound.

 

Before her, there was a really signficant woman I dated. We were together for 7 years. I cheated on her and, being a buffoon and for some reason religious for a bit, told her. Well, I didn't do the work to keep her and a year later, she was gone. We'd dated since late 1993.

 

I'll tell you, I did a lot of soul-searching when that first relationship ended. I did additonal work when my 2nd major relationship ended. (9 months but we had known each other from High School). I had to wonder about the things that made me tick. What made me, me.

 

I was SO hurt from that 2nd relationship because I did try hard at it to not repeat errors of the first but it ended anyhow. I was a bit bitter BUT my ongoing dilemma is that I can't remain bitter because I do love women

 

Between 2004 - late 2006, I was single from 'relationships'. There were various women that I had casual encounters with but nothing stemmed from them.

 

I can say I did try the 'nice' guy approach for awhile and got me no where. I revisited that approach because I'd been told that my 'devil may care' approach was wrong. Well, those years I tried that were pretty damn dry if you ask me. It wasn't me.

 

I like people in general. I flirt by teasing and I can approach women and start a conversation but, I've definitely been turned down many times by either being ignored or a line given by the gal.

 

What's funny to me is that to the outside person, I would appear to be a smooth operator. I don't think so. I do approach women and can make them laugh, flirt, etc.. I get numbers and I can probably take them out but things eventually fizzle. I am thinking I might just not be a good boyfriend/husband type. Women all the time say I am a player or a 'bad boy'.

 

I have my opinions and can make people laugh while saying them. If that makes me a 'bad boy', it is what it is.

 

I was worse when I had my first gf (the one I cheated on). In that time, I have tried to temper things, etc...and what has happened is that now I have a very limited group of friends. Couple that with the fact that most of my guy friends are married now and I am pretty friggin' limited now.

 

I developed my own moral code - "No married women, taken women, etc." and eventually developed my own criteria of what I look for in women. It's been a slow crawl on that front.

 

So now, I, having cheated in my earlier years and had many women available have gone the way of by limited social circles, location, and friends marrying and doing their thing, come to a dry well almost! I'm basically saying that nowadays, it's pretty rough to meet people - even when you are friendly, gregarious, etc. I'm a bit shy but I do approach women. (Look, it's pretty dang hard to approach a woman right off the street - she seems to know you're going to hit on her, puts up her guard, and is, to be honest, somewhat frightened!). It's just not always easily done. Can be..but not always.

 

Anyhow, in late 2006, I met my son's mother. I think I was lonely because my social circle was getting smaller and I was wondering what I was going to do. Partial desparation/partial just being lied to, we started a relationship. I eventually found out she was a liar in many ways.

 

She was not just ending her marriage. She used me as a crux to end her marriage. She was an alcoholic and by the time I figured it out (you'd think I'd have done it sooner), it was too late. My emotions were involved.

 

I guess I figured that by the time we go to our 30's, there was really no reason to try and lie about who you are. It just is. We've all screwed up.

 

Regardless, within 6 months of meeting her, my silly choices, I was within two weeks of breaking up with her because I was seeing her for what she was. We had made a decision that we were going to be together, her get divorced, and start a family, etc.

 

Well, my son was planned. I, however, was within two weeks of breaking up with her when she told me she was pregnant. At that point, I figured we should try and see how it worked out.

 

Fast forward to 2010, it didn't work out. She was an alcoholic who hasn't changed and right now we split rights every 7 days of my son for the next 7 days. It works while he's a toddler.

[Maverick44]

So, now, in 2010 my problem has become that I developed a crush on a co-worker. We've known each other for 5 years. We became very close in that time. There has never been anything inappropriate.

 

She's complained about her husband, etc..and I had complained about my ex. We developed a bond. It became an emotional bond.

 

I can tell we were attracted to each other. I could tell how I could have manipulated the situation to my advantage.

 

I didn't do any of that. I wanted to.

 

So, over the last 6 months, I've worked on keeping the friendship but not letting it go anywhere, right? I didn't badmouth her husband. I talked him up, etc..

 

It's been damn hard. I'm not exactly myself but I'm alright. I did not tell her anything and she hasn't told me anything but we've both made little comments that would indicate that we have a deep respect for each other. The types that would seem to indicate the attraction and that if we were single, we'd probably be seeing each other. However, nothing has been explicitly said and it shouldn't.

 

I have my thoughts on her marriage and how it is but those are my thoughts. In the end, she makes her choices. If she chooses to live dissatisfied, etc... that's her choice.

 

However, what it has made me is a bit sad. I don't know why. I should be happy for my friend being happy if she is (She just purchased a house but she still talks down her husband and really has very little respect for him). I try to leave it at that and the fact that she is married, etc..

 

I guess I'm annoyed that she would stay in an environment she would herself claim is bad, etc.. but that's my problem. I guess she's not fulfilled or satisifed but comfortable, etc..and doesn't know how it would be elsewhere. Mind you, she's been with her husband since she was 19 and she's now 33, so you can kinda see why!

 

Regardless, back to me on this, so I'm bummed. I shouldn't be but I am. I made the right choice in backing off, etc..and our friendship is there but it does make me emotionally tired because I have a hard time communicating as I used to.

 

I've considered NC but am in LC. I don't see the reason to destroy the friendship but I need to get this 'crush' out if my life. So, I talk to other women, right? Good, right? Unfortunately, the women I'm talking to are also married. Yeah..not so good. I can tell they are interested....flirting, whatever, but I can see something that is there to pursue. I don't.

 

So, now let's talk social circles. I mountain bike, snowboard, road bike, exercise (home gym because of son) and run. It's rough to balance my time between my son and those activities already.

 

I also have my work that does take 50-60 hours a week and my side job of a business practice I want to get up and running as well as own two triplexes that do take my time (should take more to be honest). So, it's rough right now.

 

I think I'm going through down moments right now is all. I am in good shape but I can feel myself sinking into a downward spiral over the course my life has taken over the last decade to be honest.

 

I believe I will eventually get over it. When these 'crushes' or relationship difficulties emotions fade, I am fine. However, in the meanwhile, it is such a friggin' pain to get over.

 

Maverick

[Maverick44]

Alright...well I do feel better writing this out. I haven't eaten yet so I probably should.

 

Been on the couch since 8:30 this morning. I know I'm doing a pity-party. It kinda blows.....

[Maverick44]

She CANNOT be the right girl because she is married.......I'm repeating this in my head right now.

 

Took a nap and had a small dream about her. Sheesh. How ridiculous.

[Maverick44]

More than annoyed that this has set me back.

[Maverick44]

So, I spent a whole day just having been miserable. This is what I remember. That a person could spend a whole day feeling like this and nothing has changed.

 

What it brings to mind is that if you want something to change, you're going to have to do it yourself. I could go do this the whole day tomorrow and it would be the same outcome. There is no point to continuing to do that.

 

I'm working to snap out of this. I know it will come. It's hitting this bottom that's making me see why I shouldn't stay there. There is no point to it.

[Maverick44]

Back to my workout today. In good shape. Just maintaining.

 

Picked up my son. Am pretty happy.

 

I haven't completely wasted today and really do feel it is the little steps that will build me back. Good thing I jog. Haha

[Maverick44]

Back to my workout today. In good shape. Just maintaining.

 

Picked up my son. Am pretty happy.

 

I haven't completely wasted today and really do feel it is the little steps that will build me back. Good thing I jog. Haha

[Maverick44]

Hangin' with my boy today. We've been sick since Friday. He gave it to me. The little tyrant.

 

Love my son. I'm pretty lucky in that respect. It's rough - I know that many single mothers won't feel sorry for me but from a guy's point of view, understand that it is rough to be a single father.

 

Other men don't tend to understand the work it takes. Also, I have work, properties, other investments that I have to look into, my own business I'm trying to build, etc.. so it really becomes a rough world. As a guy, our social network is not as vast as with women.

 

Not many people want to be around a single father and one that is removed from a large city as well. I live about an hour outside of Los Angeles so it adds to the work to do.

[Maverick44]

Haven't had my son this past week. Been sick, myself.

 

I haven't worked out.

 

Been hanging out with a girl just out of a relationship. Jacked up. No..not for the long haul.

 

Ugh...I have to stop drinking, though. Body doesn't handle it the same anymore.

 

Hopefully back to the workout routine again this week. I do like that.