Internal struggle about letting go

[jenna-is-here]

I am entering week 8 of w/ NC. We were together 4+ yrs (lived together). Overall, I think I have progressed okay to this point going through many stages.

 

I feel like I have reached a "getting over him" rut. I dont feel like I am progressing anymore. My fear is that I will feel the same by week 12 as I do in week 8.

 

I have given a lot of thought and I think I am unable to let go still. Im not even sure I even still hold out hope but I am not ready to say goodbye and for that I can not progress.

 

There has been a lot of change up to this point but I fear there will be little change in my ability to move on from this point on.

 

Has this happened to you? Any suggestions?

[uncomfynumb]

You will eventually let go after time...

 

Try not to fear anything if you can, or don't feed those fears. Don't dwell on them. I know that it is easier said than done but if you tell yourself something different, that you will move on, eventually you will.

 

((hugs))

[mi-amor]

Hi Jenna.

 

I have been separated 8 months, NC except a few emails, but at many points even without contact i have felt stuck in the process. It's like i realise i am over the separation and even maybe realising it was for the best. So surely i would be on the up..... but no. It's a personal thing. xx

[hater13]

Hey Jenna I'm entering week 8 as well

is that also the amount of time you've been broken up with your ex for?

 

I do still hold out that hope as well...

 

May I ask why you two broke up? That is if you were given a reason

[kyivish]

I'm in wek 10 since she left me for the guy she cheated on me with. Its actually been getting harder. Each day that she doesn't come back I feel more alone and isolated. Its a struggle.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

8 weeks is really not that long considering you had a 4+ year relationship. Over time it will get better. People heal at their own rate...although it may not feel like it, you are moving on.

[jenna-is-here]

Hater13 - to answer your question...

 

We broke up b/c after 4 years (most of it living together), I wanted to move on and have a family, he didnt. He went out and bought a ring and said there was just something stopping him. Please note, we are no spring chickens (43 & 39). So there was not much else to do but separate because we just wanted different things.

 

I guess time will tell if he didnt want to get married or if he just didnt want to marry ME but in the end it doesnt really matter because I am not with the man I love. *sigh*

[Kaytie]

It's been 4 months now for me and lately I've been thinking about my ex a lot. Sometimes I think I was doing better at the two month mark than I am now, but it goes in spurts. I've been finding myself thinking about her a lot more than I was say two weeks ago - kind of like flashes of memories or activities. Sometimes it feels like it's haunting me and other times it just is....

 

Overall though, I am going through the motions of moving on. Getting out, dating casually, meeting new friends and all that. I still have to force myself to do these things at times though.

 

I guess I'm no help really! It was a 12 year relationshp for me so 4 months isn't long at all. From what I've discovered so far - the progress is not linear. Ups and downs...but overall you are still healing.

[Im Steph]

Hi Jenna,

I've been reading some of your messages and I feel like we have many of the same feelings, although you are further along than me. I am 3 weeks after break up, 2 weeks after finding out about cheating (drunkenly kissing (maybe more than that?) 2 different girls, one a friend and co-worker of mine). We were together over 6 years, with many small chunks of time apart because of our lifestyle (working on yachts).

At this point, I have not really started NC, my longest has been maybe 3 days, and generally I end up contacting him. I can definitely understand the fear of never being able to move on, to let go. Is that OK though, as long as it's not holding you back from moving on with your life as you are able? Like Kaytie said, I agree the progress is not linear. I can see it in me already, good moments/days and then a big backslide. Of course for me it may be continuing contact and then facing the whole rejection again?

Soon I hope I will be able to write my story in my own thread. Until then, just know I am working through much of the same as you, and it helps me to hear your thoughts as well.

 

Thanks, Steph

[jenna-is-here]

Thank everyone for your replies. You reassurance is incredibly comforting. I dont feel like I am that off in my recovery process.

 

It seems clear that some of what is holding many of us back is hope. I have recently started thinking of things in a different way and for some reason it relieves a lot of the pain...

 

I just think about it like this: the relationship we had and knew is over. I can wrap my head around that. It is over in the physical sense (no more calls, we dont see eachother, nothing physical). If we were ever to get together again, it has to grow as a new beginning. A new relationship, just as if we were growing it with new person. We are would not be trying to ignite what we once had, we woud be learning about eachother again from the start, We have to attact them the same, they have to impress us the same, etc. Granted, we have advantages and it could grow faster.

 

I guess what I am saying instead of keeping the hope alive that "we will get back with our ex" we can look at it as, "maybe someday we will begin 'a new relationship' with our ex again...

 

It is still hope but they get put back on the same playing field as anyone else and it is a bit easier to handle the letting go.

 

Does any of that make sense? Probably not...my head seems to be spinning today.