trouble making girl-friends

[YueLi]

I'm a pretty outgoing girl 20-year old girl . I have a problem though, I have some difficult in making friends.

It's not that I don't have any friends, I have some, mostly guys, but no one close, like a BFF.

 

I have no trouble making guy-friends. It's very easy for me to talk to them. But almost every guy that I meet seem to be interested in "something more than friendship". I have a on-and-off relationship with my boyfriend already but as soon as I tell that to the other guys they stop hangin out with me.

 

And as with girls I have very hard to communicate with them. I don't know why but it always feels like I am saying the wrong things at the wrong time, or acting in a wrong way - because I can never make any girl-friends.

 

Anyone recognize this kind of problem?

[IvantheAvg]

Its hard to say with the generalizations you give...are you in school? Get involved in something and see what happens...

 

...as far as saying the wrong thing at the wrong time...its called tact...practice being a better listener and not saying the first thing that pops into your head...if people come away feeling worse about themselves after hanging with you they won't want to hang even if its the truth...if people come away feeling better they will want to hang.

[catfeeder]

What are some of the situations with girls that you believe you handled the wrong way, and how would you want to handle them differently?

[YueLi]

With guys I have the habit of being sometimes brutally honest, a bad habit I guess and they just seem to shake it of or laugh about it. But with girls you cant be that honest and then i feel locked up. Like i have to think very carefully before opening my mouth and always keep in mind to act nicer.

 

I think sometimes it looks like I'm sissy and can't stand up for myself

[catfeeder]

Hmmm, might be the opposite problem. While guys might tend to view quiet as passive, most women I know get uncomfortable around quiet people because they wonder whether they're being judged. No communications means no cues--and most people need to read -something- from you in order to bond with you.

 

As for your fears, understand, NObody is tactful all the time, we're just humans and we all screw up. Good news about that is, most people can appreciate how awful it feels to blurt something and then realize you've hurt someone's feelings.

 

A happy medium would be to learn conversation skills by observing people you admire, and meanwhile, try your best to be warm and friendly during every opportunity you're given to communicate. If you make a mistake and blurt something hardcore, follow with, "Please excuse me, that came out the wrong way. I just meant to say... (then say it nicer.)" If you act embarrassed enough, you'll endear yourself, and before you know it, the one you offended will comfort YOU.

 

A willingness to be warm and welcoming is all most people require to give you the benefit of the doubt. If you shut down and go cold, you're voicing rejection of them without ever saying a word, and they'll respond accordingly.

 

Warm regards,

Cat

[LightbulbSun]

I'm the same way, except with guys. I make friends easily with girls, but I can't make friends usually with people of my own gender.

[YueLi]

I sometimes feel like guys are less complicated, and much easier to read than girls, they somehow come out as more mysterious to me, maybe it's because I'm a girl myself that I feel that girls judge people easier than guys.

[catfeeder]

I sometimes feel like guys are less complicated, and much easier to read than girls, they somehow come out as more mysterious to me, maybe it's because I'm a girl myself that I feel that girls judge people easier than guys.

 

I think girls are just more open about it. That doesn't make it a good thing, but at least it gives a clue who to stay away from.

[pinkelephant]

I have the same issue nowadays, but I'm lucky because all my girlfriends are from my highschool days. I don't know if this is the same for you, but this is what I realized was happening for me.

 

 

The guys that became my friends, eventually end up confessing that they like/love/have a crush on me. It never occurred to me that they felt an attraction to me and *that* was why they approached and befriend me to begin with. I realized that it was because I'm not open. I'm the one who is scared and therefore comes off judgmental and closed off. People who aren't romantically interested in you don't usually go for that extra mile just because they want to be friends. People go that extra mile because they want something from you. Sure, there are really friendly people but they're rare and they tend to do that with everyone -- so it's really impersonal. Some people do it because they want to use you, but most people do it because they're romantically interested in you.

 

I'm not saying this is true for you, just that I realize this is true for me.

 

 

So, my advice is to reach out for girls. Girls scare me too, they were so mean to me in high school... but then I realized my other girlfriends were the ones who got me out of that bullying situation to begin with. Not all of us are that bad, we make up half of the population on earth.

[NightLily]

I definitely have this problem. Girls are harder for me to figure out even though I am one myself and I tend to feel like.. they are up to no good. It really doesn't help that I finally made girl friends who ended up being *extremely* back stabbing. That and they are often really hyper and like.. come up to you hugging you and saying "hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

There are some girls that I don't get this vibe from and you are probably the same way. I don't think you have to force yourself out of your comfort zone but maybe look for girls a little bit more like yourself. Ones that seem more laid back you know?

[YueLi]

That's exactly the problem I'm dealing with nowdays. I never realized that it might be because I'm not open with people, but it recently occurred to me that I sometime act as if I'm nervous like I talk a lot and find it hard to look people in the eye, especially girls.

 

I also feel that I have to be so called "extreme" with most of them to be called a bff, like running up and yelling "hiiiii!" *xoxoxo*. Somehow that feels like an act.

I've never seen guys do that to each other we go well without that ;P