pls read. give it to me straight ppl

[wheatgrass82]

I'd love any advice. I dont care how crazy i sound. I'm amongst friends, right? So I got back together with my boyfriend after a breif separation. Trouble is now I'm so hurt and my self esteem has taken a beating.. I'm not the sexy, confidant funny girl i used to be with him.

 

I left him becuase after 15 months i never felt included in his life. we were great together and i loved him dearly and i know he loved my dearly too... but he's unconventional. I saw pictures of him at a couple of big events and he'd lied to me about them.. one was an internationally televised event! when i think about him there.. surronded by all the glamour and excitement... girls all dressed up.. people feeling happy... and this kills me.. ring girls parading around... and i think about me sitting on my counch at home worrying about him becuase he is not answering his phone.. well i just feel taken for granted.

 

i used to love dressing up for him... i became more confidant than ever becuase i had to be in order to have the relationship i wanted.... without insecurities.. but i put in thagt effort and he couldnt give me what i wanted in return.. to be his queen like i made him my king

 

he called me from a bridge wanting to jump after we broke up confessing he used to get raped by his preist as a boy and his mother and father beat him as they accused him of lying.. he says this is why he always pushed ppl away... now he is ready to change..

 

but im so hurt i dont have the desire to be that girl i used to be for him. and no... not for myself either.

 

how do i start to care for myself again while i'm with the person that made me feel so unappreciated? i feel like i dont want him to have a hot sexy gf.. cause he had that chance and he killed her. just so fkn hurt.

[Speranza]

Well you don't worry about HIM at all. You deal with YOU.

 

Get some space and start to rebuild again. You will feel stupid for going back, but you don't need to. This is how we learn. You now KNOW never NEVER to go back to him again.

 

Threatening suicide is, by the way, his choice and an incredibly cruel manipulative thing to do. Ignore it.

 

Get on with rebuilding your life,regardless of who he is or isn't seeing. The real positive in this is that you have got over him once (or managed to leave, anyway) - you can do it again.

 

This really is the first day of the rest of your life. A cliche - but a good one.

 

If it is true that he was abused, he needs to tell someone who can help. That isn't you. Get away from him. I bet he's promised to change before.

[wheatgrass82]

i love that advice. unfortunately.... i do know we can be crazy happy together.. we are just right together.. i want to give him a chance to make it up to me. i just dont know how to feel good about myself when he has hurt me.. i know anything is possible.. i just want to know how. i want to make it work. he as us giong to counselling together.. he is putting in a lot of effort to show me now he has dealt with his demons... he can be the man he always wanted..he went to hospital and is seeing someone for his child abuse issue.. how do i get my confidence strong when im around him?

[Speranza]

I'm so hurt and my self esteem has taken a beating.. I'm not the sexy, confidant funny girl i used to be with him.

 

we are just right together.. i want to give him a chance to make it up to me.

 

I'm sorry. I can't help you.

[wheatgrass82]

oh true? the only advice is to leave him? . i could have thought of that

[Speranza]

Unhappy pls read. give it to me straight ppl

 

You did ask!

 

You are giving some brilliant advice to other people on here, I am sure you can work this one out, Saschenka.

[wheatgrass82]

hhmmmmm yes. this one's got me baffled speranza! first time in my colourful life im stumped.

thanks x

[lavenderdove]

He's not responsible for your self esteem, you are. So he can't 'make' you feel confident and sexy. That should come from within and not be dependent on another person 'making' you feel that way.

 

Now if the issue is he didn't include you in his life, what do you mean by that? That is a totally different problem. Did that mean he wasn't glued to you 24x7 (and shouldn't be), or that he excluded you from large portions of his life and never went out with you etc. which would be a problem.

 

I would suggest attending the counseling with him if he is offering that. You have to be careful about wanting to be his 'queen' and him 'king' because that is more about princess and prince charming fantasies than it is about real life. A relationship is about sharing a life and enjoying each other, not spending 24x7 with each other and putting the other person on a pedestal and constantly fawning all over them. No romance will survive long if that is the expectation.

[wheatgrass82]

L dove.. I see what you mean.. his excluding extended to him attending 2 particular big events without me and lying abour them to me. i saw the pics on facebook. one of which he left me at a wedding to go and quickly come back.. way not cool and he knows he screwed up bad.

 

It is awkward cuase a guy i dated years ago 'works' in the industry he works in.. and this guy he hates not just cuase i dated him but becuase he put a hit out on him. Yeah. really. so therefore... he didn't want me around that.

 

is it possible to get over being hurt and want to treat him 'like a king ' again.. and by that i merely use that as a metaphor for honouring and respecting your partner... just a poetic way of putting it i guess.

 

is it possible to feel confidant again around someone who took it away? even when you are almost posivite if you can get it together... youll be happier than ever?

 

thanks for the advice and your interet. just knowing ppl care make me feel less alone. xx

[Hermes]

This is incredibly sad, Saschenka,

 

he called me from a bridge wanting to jump after we broke up confessing he used to get raped by his preist as a boy and his mother and father beat him as they accused him of lying.. he says this is why he always pushed ppl away... now he is ready to change..

 

 

and what happened was NOT his fault. I think it is most important to ensure that abuse victims are made aware of that.

Having made that point, he may have a long haul before him with therapy to get "himself" back, and you have to ask yourself if you are going to be able to make that journey with him. It will require serious maturity and strength of spirit. No "king and quenn" stuff, that's for sure (that all belongs in a story book).

 

Here is a link you might wish to read.

link removed

 

If you are going to help this man you are going to need to inform yourself about these issues. And it will not be entertaining.

Some victims of that kind of abuse, do and can, with help, lead some kind of life. Others, sadly, did not and may not.

 

These are all aspects you need to ponder on seriously.

 

Good luck

H

[wheatgrass82]

thank you for that link, hermes. i am definitely strong enough to aid him through this... No question.

 

Weather I can get myself back to a point i believe he deserves that.. and im willing to give that to him again... i have no idea... i want to desperately.

[Hermes]

You are in Australia, Saschenka, and I am sure you are aware that investigations (and committees) have been set up into the type of abuse your friend endured. Here in Ireland there is a wide-spreading and very thorough investigation (including support for victims) going on at every level, on foot of the Ryan Report (a report drawn up by Judge Ryan).

It may be good for your friend to read through this stuff himself, if nothing else it provides some validation, and you might find it useful too.

 

H

[penelope13]

If you want to help him through counseling, that's great. But before you can do that, you have to become strong yourself, thus counseling for yourself as well as counseling together will help you. You have to make sure that if you want to be his support that you maintain your self identity, your personal boundaries and that you won't become co-dependent on each other.

 

If you sign up for this you have to be aware that this could take a long time and that you can't just leave him suddenly without this throwing him back. Doesn't mean that you don't have the option to leave him, just that you have to make sure (if you care about his well being) that he will have the support that he needs.

 

Thus before agreeing to this, you have to think very hard and long if this is a person you want to commit yourself for a longtime, if he is worth it, and if it is reasonable for you to assume that of the end of this you are the one he wants to be with as well.

[Hermes]

I think Penelope makes very good points. It requires unusual qualities to support and help someone throughout what may be long-haul therapy. There will be times when it will seem like one step forward, three steps back.

 

I think that people who endured abuse (through no fault of their own, because they were children at the time) are also human beings. Those of us fortunate enough not to have gone through such harrowing and scarring experiences can only be as supportive as we can of those who did.

 

H

[Speranza]

Weather I can get myself back to a point i believe he deserves that.. and im willing to give that to him again... i have no idea... i want to desperately.

 

But this (not knowing if you can) might actually be a sign that you ought not to be with him.

 

How are you going to decide? I am concerned that you talk in terms of fairy tales. What is your 'desperately wanting to' be in that place based on? Reality or fantasy?

[wheatgrass82]

Hey Speranza, thanks 4 the posts..'Desperately wanting to' refers to how badly i want to allow us to have that chance at true happiness together. We only have achance at happiness if i can be my best self around him... I guess I just use dramatic words to do justice to my big fat feelings.

 

Ok.. so you all going to realise I'm nuts now cause truth is... i want to be ugly and grosse and don't want to look nice for him... Becuase he hurt me bad and now i want him to realise that he cant have the girl i use to be. I don't even want to make effort for myself. I know i sound psychotic but this all makes sense to me.

 

Any other psychos out there? maybe you can shed some light?

[wheatgrass82]

desperately want to is total reality.. he is two feet in doing whatever he can.. its up to me to get my stuff together .... how do i do that when i jsut want to punish him??

[Lamour detruit]

Maybe I am just too cynical, but he only shared those things as soon as you broke up with him ?..I have heard of many stories where people say about anything to get their other half back, so that is the first thing I thought of. If it is true, it is unfortunate for sure.

 

Taking breaks from relationships is almost always a sure fire way to see something is inherently wrong. If he was abused, his behavior will take a *very* long time to change. One doesn't just flip the switch in such behavior..so if you truly do want this to work out, you are going to need a lot of patience, and expect a lot of hardship.

[wheatgrass82]

you could well be right lamour.. taking a break may be required to see through the muck and make sense of things. that just seems so weird.. like having a 'break' yuck. but its a thought.. the ONLY thought actually

 

oh dear.. is that what all this NC is about ? no contact? is that what that is??? lol

is that the stage im getting to next? it's like a 12 step programme.

[greywolf]

Maybe I am just too cynical, but he only shared those things as soon as you broke up with him ?..I have heard of many stories where people say about anything to get their other half back, so that is the first thing I thought of. If it is true, it is unfortunate for sure.

 

Taking breaks from relationships is almost always a sure fire way to see something is inherently wrong. If he was abused, his behavior will take a *very* long time to change. One doesn't just flip the switch in such behavior..so if you truly do want this to work out, you are going to need a lot of patience, and expect a lot of hardship.

 

I suppose I am cynical too. I think it's true, but to only tell her during the break up is manipulative, IMO.

[Lamour detruit]

you could well be right lamour.. taking a break may be required to see through the muck and make sense of things. that just seems so weird.. like having a 'break' yuck. but its a thought.. the ONLY thought actually

 

oh dear.. is that what all this NC is about ? no contact? is that what that is??? lol

is that the stage im getting to next? it's like a 12 step programme.

 

No contact would probably not be a bad idea for the both of you. Your thoughts are too muddled now. Taking a step back helps you gain perspective.

 

And I agree grey, I think it is pretty manipulative as well.