Feel you'll end up with the wrong person?

[newwave]

I spoke to the guy I love tonight. While he has come around farther than I thought, he still hasn't come as far as I hoped. I have faith that he eventually will, but at the same time nothing is positive. He's still fearful of falling in love because he thinks women are "nags", that women control men, he'll lose independence, etc. Luckily he's dealing with these issues and I am patient because I feel he's the "one". I am not sleeping with him until he finally comes around to the idea of falling in love (he's almost there). I've mentioned him a lot because I feel things for him I never felt for anyone else. If I didn't already know him I would have ditched him months ago.

 

But there is always the possibility I won't end up with him either. This part scares me because he put me through terrible stress a few months ago and can't handle it again. It made me psychotic for a few months and just when I was recovering he came back. This part got me to thinking, about what happens if we don't end up together. My biggest fear is I'll find someone, not love them, but marry them because they want to marry and I do eventually. Not saying that I'll intentionally marry someone I don't love, just that at the time I'll think so and realize I don't. Sort of like a rebound because I'll still love someone else. I know many people who married the wrong person, thinking they were "the one" and they weren't.

[Jetta]

I thought I met the guy I was supposed to be with but I was already married to the "wrong man" and a psychic even told me I married the wrong man. Well needless to say we didn't end up together, I got divorced for no good reason, lost my mind in part because of him, and basically it took me 4 years to get over him.

 

Basically I'm telling you this because you need to break away from this guy, if he really is the one you're meant to be with you will reunite. But the only way you can truly begin to heal is by removing yourself from the situation.

[newwave]

I thought I met the guy I was supposed to be with but I was already married to the "wrong man" and a psychic even told me I married the wrong man. Well needless to say we didn't end up together, I got divorced for no good reason, lost my mind in part because of him, and basically it took me 4 years to get over him.

 

Basically I'm telling you this because you need to break away from this guy, if he really is the one you're meant to be with you will reunite. But the only way you can truly begin to heal is by removing yourself from the situation.

 

We did reunite. People questioned why I took him back, but he apologized to me, and told me he was a jerk for being mean to me (actually he used a stronger word). I didn't talk to him long tonight because he was crabby (he warned me this) due to pain. It's not really a question about him, but my fear is that sometimes life doesn't work the way it's supposed to. I still feel I'll end up with him, but it will take time.

[citymouse]

My biggest fear is I'll find someone, not love them, but marry them because they want to marry and I do eventually. .

 

Nobody has a crystal ball, and there is no way that you can foresee whether you will ever make a mistake in a relationship -- unless you bow out of the dating scene and never take a chance again.

 

Just take it one day at a time, try to use your common sense and keep wishing for the best. Easier said than done sometimes, I know. But I really believe that is the key.

[HouseKitten]

I am not sleeping with him until he finally comes around to the idea of falling in love (he's almost there).

 

This bothers me. You don't 'come around' to the idea of falling in love. No one can make themselves love someone anymore than you can force yourself to feel nothing for someone you're in love with. And the fact that you're withholding sex until he 'comes around' makes me think that you're likely to get burned here - he could just say the words to make you believe he's okay with falling in love, get you into bed and then still fail to actually make any sort of meaningful commitment.

 

I think you're going to get hurt here again, newwave. I know from your previous posts how strongly you feel about this man but honestly, why are you expending all this energy on someone who doesn't feel the same way? If he were going to love you, he's had ample time to do so. And yet still, he messes you around saying he's not sure about women, that they're nags and controlling people. Either he really does have such a negative view of all women, ever, which I doubt, or what he means is that he doesn't want to be with you, specifically. He's not sure about you. Not other women. In fact if you stopped seeing him entirely I don't doubt that he'd have no qualms about getting involved with someone else, whatever he might profess to think about the female gender.

 

If you end up with him, you'll be ending up with someone you talked into being with you, and to me that is the wrong person to be with.

[newwave]

Nobody has a crystal ball, and there is no way that you can foresee whether you will ever make a mistake in a relationship -- unless you bow out of the dating scene and never take a chance again.

 

Just take it one day at a time, try to use your common sense and keep wishing for the best. Easier said than done sometimes, I know. But I really believe that is the key.

 

That's kind of how I am doing it now with the guy. He's scared, but is coming around. It might take several more months (or longer, or not at all) before he comes around. I actually think I will be with him for a long time, but we'll see. I just try not to get so obsessed again because if it doesn't work, it will devastate me.

[newwave]

No, he is falling in love with me, but is still scared. Real love takes time. I know when I've cut contact with him before, he wanted me back because I'm the one he wants. Besides, he even told me he doesn't want sex until we are either living together or engaged. If I don't end up with him, this is my last chance for romance and this is fine with me. If it doesn't work, then any other guys will have to buy my love.

[HouseKitten]

If I don't end up with him, this is my last chance for romance and this is fine with me. If it doesn't work, then any other guys will have to buy my love.

 

That's not fact, that's self-fulfilling prophecy. You're putting all your eggs in this basket and convincing yourself that he must be the one because if he isn't, you're wasting a lot of time on him.

 

You know, it's completely okay to realise after time that someone isn't right for you after all. If you end up with him properly and then things aren't really right, there is no shame in saying 'we got it wrong, let's move on'. Plenty of people think they've found the one only to realise later they were wrong. You don't have to resign yourself to life without love just because this one person wasn't quite right.

[newwave]

Well, I think he's the right one. I just hope I am right, but have accepted that if he's not, I am ok being single forever. I have wasted a lot of time with him, so I just hope it works out. I will say that if this comes up again, I will run at the first sign of trouble.

[Hermes]

but my fear is that sometimes life doesn't work the way it's supposed to

 

Not "sometimes" NewWave, but rather "hardly ever".

 

A saying here is "it's a long road that has no turns".

 

H

[Hermes]

Oh dear! Newwave.

 

If it doesn't work, then any other guys will have to buy my love.

 

Sincere advice: don't ever sell yourself, NewWave.

 

H

[bulletproof]

He's still fearful of falling in love because he thinks women are "nags", that women control men, he'll lose independence, etc.

 

This guy sounds awful. Why would you even want to be with someone who feels that way about women?

 

Your definition of real love is pretty skewed.

[newwave]

If I didn't already know him for years I wouldn't waste my time with him. I am giving him the summer to see where we are headed. I'm also planning to move near him once I get a new job (not because of him, but because he's located in a central area).

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If I didn't already know him for years I wouldn't waste my time with him. I am giving him the summer to see where we are headed. I'm also planning to move near him once I get a new job (not because of him, but because he's located in a central area).

 

Don't count on him having some kind of epiphany...if he has spent so many years blowing you off don't count on him suddenly seeing the light.

[newwave]

He hasn't been blowing me off at all, let alone years. He made a huge breakthrough. Besides, this isn't about him at all.

[bruinsy81]

That's kind of how I am doing it now with the guy. He's scared, but is coming around. It might take several more months (or longer, or not at all) before he comes around. I actually think I will be with him for a long time, but we'll see. I just try not to get so obsessed again because if it doesn't work, it will devastate me.

So what are you supposed to do if it takes him 6 months to a year to decide if he wants to be with you? Sit idly by and perhaps overlook three or four guys who might be perfect for you?? That kind of logic might be reasonable if he was going through a divorce[let's say you guys met felt a spark,didn't act on it, but knew]but that's not the case here.Continuing with the kind of mentality you have now ,you will not leave yourself open to any other man that the universe may throw your way.

[newwave]

So what are you supposed to do if it takes him 6 months to a year to decide if he wants to be with you? Sit idly by and perhaps overlook three or four guys who might be perfect for you?? That kind of logic might be reasonable if he was going through a divorce[let's say you guys met felt a spark,didn't act on it, but knew]but that's not the case here.Continuing with the kind of mentality you have now ,you will not leave yourself open to any other man that the universe may throw your way.

 

Well, I'm not likely to find another guy who fits my qualifications out here (nerdy, never married, no kid guy). All that's out here are dads who are overweight. Even if by chance I did I would still not want them because it's not him. So in other words, yes I am waiting to see what happens. He does like me. The other day he even mentioned that he could see us having children and marrying so there is hope.

[bruinsy81]

Well, I'm not likely to find another guy who fits my qualifications out here (nerdy, never married, no kid guy). All that's out here are dads who are overweight. Even if by chance I did I would still not want them because it's not him. So in other words, yes I am waiting to see what happens. He does like me. The other day he even mentioned that he could see us having children and marrying so there is hope.

I hope it works out for you but in my experience obsessing and pining over that ONE person can be very frustrating and futile and a waste of energy.I don't think it means you have to settle but I think there are other men who may fit your qualifications ,of course you can't really see that at the moment ,you want him ,but what will you do if he decides he is not interested?Then you won't have a choice but to look for someone else.

[newwave]

If he still doesn't come around, then I might have to look for someone else. However the fact that he has come around does give me hope. I feel in my heart he will come around and he's the one.

[bruinsy81]

If he still doesn't come around, then I might have to look for someone else. However the fact that he has come around does give me hope. I feel in my heart he will come around and he's the one.

I guess I just don't like the idea of you putting your life on hold while you wait for him to make a decision.It doesn't sound like a balanced, mutual attraction.You are giving him all the power to change your fate/destiny.I just think I'd be looking for someone who wanted to be with me NOW not in a few months after pondering things over.

[newwave]

Being that I'm currently unemployed I am not looking for anyone else. Once my financial issues settle I'll move closer to him (not because of him) and that might make a difference. So, no not really putting my life on hold, just not interested in anyone else.

[bruinsy81]

Being that I'm currently unemployed I am not looking for anyone else. Once my financial issues settle I'll move closer to him (not because of him) and that might make a difference. So, no not really putting my life on hold, just not interested in anyone else.

It sounds like you are investing an incredible amount of energy/planning around him when he isn't sure how he feels.Don't dismiss other guys or opportunities because of your feelings for him which sound like they may or may not be reciprocated.The path you are on isn't the ONLY possible solution to your problem/desire to be in a relationship.

[newwave]

Like I said I don't currently live near many guys so I'm not looking now. If I find someone else then I'll worry about this.

[LightbulbSun]

I will probably end up with the wrong person, since I don't really know yet what I want. Or maybe the first time will be the charm, who knows?

[bulletproof]

This is a lose-lose situation. If you wait around and don't get him, you will be hurt. If you do get together with him, you will have an uneven and unhealthy relationship due to the nature of it's beginning- he has all the power. He calls all the shots.

 

This idea that he's the only good possibility is really detrimental.