Success stories after hearing the "I'm not ready yet" line?

[azzurra]

Hello,

 

Has anyone had their boyfriend say that he's not ready to marry yet and that he's not thinking about it yet, and successfully got married to the same boyfriend 2-3 years down the line?

 

Me and my boyfriend have know each other for over 1.5 years. We've been together for 1 year. About half the time long distance.

 

At the beginning, when we were talking frequently and fancying each other, I had asked him casually when he sees himself getting married. He had said when he's about 30. Maybe a few years earlier, or later, depending on the situation. He had said he wants to feel he's got his career on track before marrying.

 

Since then we have spoken about marriage twice and I've been hearing the above line and plan. We promised each other we'd let each other know if we should ever feel like we don't see ourselves getting married (so that we're not wasting each others time... I had proposed this since I'm more worried about this I think).

 

He's 25 and I'm 27. For both of us this is our first real relationship. He just finished his Masters last year and is now doing a Trainee Program on contract. He will find out at the end of next year whether the company will take him on fulltime or not.

 

In our first talk he had also told me that he feels that I'm ready to settle and that if I really want to get married now, he doesn't want to stand in my way if I should find someone suitable. I had asked him how I'm supposed to find someone suitable if I'm with him. He recently added that he meant that if I decide that he's not the one I want to get married to, then he doesn't want to stand in my way in finding someone else because he doesn't plan to get married now.

 

I asked him how long would it be too long for us to be together the way we are now and he said after the beginning of 2012 it would be too long. The reason he's saying that date is because towards the end of 2011 he will find out if and what type of fulltime employment offer he will get from his current employer and where in the world it will be, as he works for a multinational company.

 

I'm not looking for an opinion on my situation. But if you can, I'd appreciate it.

 

I'm primarily wondering if anyone has heard the "I'm not thinking about marriage right now" line and then later got married. Please share your stories. And how long did it take until you got married?

[Kinkz]

Heres my opinion!

 

I think because of your ages, your priorities for the stage of life where you both are right now are different. You are hoping for marriage, he is hoping to be secure in his career first. Also, he doesn't want to stop you or hold you back from being married, this is because he probably see's and realises that marriage is a big thing for you and he doesn't want you to hold back on your dream just because of him.

 

From what you have described, yeh, he doesn't seem ready for marriage yet at all but if he is with you then obviously he is serious about you and maybe the date he gave, was a little hint for you to maybe expect a proposal from him.

[anu1560]

Yep. My boyfriend told me too that he wants to get married when he is around 30ish. Any question of marriage from my side made him too pressurized. By the way, all the words your bf told you are very familiar to me right now. 'If you are ready to settle down, you should look for someone'. My bf actually broke up with me because it was too much pressure for him. I however, stopped talking about marriage long time before we broke up. But one of the reason he gave me was, I am too ready to settle down and he is not. And that realization itself was too much pressure for him. So he wanted to be free and he got himself free by breaking up with me. I am also older to him.

 

I would say if you are really ready to be married right now, then whatever you do, you are going to pressurize him. Even if you think that you have been asking about marriage in casual/general sense, men read it different. He is probably reading your casual words like this "when are you going to propose me marriage? Is it going to be anytime soon? Because I am so ready to be married". And for men this is asking for too much commitment and forcing them into thinking commitment.

 

STOP it if you really love him. Give him some space. If you think you cannot wait for another 3-4 years, then probably you should start thinking of moving on. He may not be like my bf. But men don't like marriage being mentioned even casually until and unless they are ready for it and they start talking. Thats just something you are trying to hint him on, which is interpreted as pressure and pressure to commit. Men hate being pressurized into commitment. They actually run away. So if you don't want your man to run away like mine. STOP CASUAL MENTION OF MARRIAGE. IT IS TOO SOON FOR HIM. MAY NOT BE FOR YOU.

[digger11]

why do you feel the need to get married?

[tinkerbellkj]

When my now fiance and I started dating, he was very clear that he was taking things very slow and would not be pressured into marriage. He is 32 years old, and no one expected that he would get married, even his family. I respected that and was willing to wait, however, I knew I would not wait any longer than I was comfortable, I just didn't know how long I was willing to wait. We talked about marriage, and made him aware that I wanted to get married, and left it at that. He just proposed last week.

 

You said you've only been together about a year, and he is only 25, so more than the length of time you've been together, his age may be a huge factor. He is just finishing school and wants to be set in his career before taking on marriage, which is not unreasonable. I know my fiance was very, very much the same way. If he is not ready, then you cannot pressure him because then he may resent you. If you are not comfortable with him needing 3-4 more years (which I understand) then it is not fair to either of you for you to wait around for something that may or may not come, because it will cause conflict. You need to do what is right for you, and that is bottom line.

[Hurting85]

My husband didn't even believe in marriage! It was something he had never planned on doing. I'm 22, he's 21, and we started dating last September and got married in March. It just felt right. There were other extenuating circumstances (not pregnancy, though) that helped us decide to move faster. But, we're happy. Far from perfect, but happy.

[citymouse]

I had asked him how I'm supposed to find someone suitable if I'm with him.

 

LOLOL I was thinking the same thing!

 

 

 

He recently added that he meant that if I decide that he's not the one I want to get married to, then he doesn't want to stand in my way in finding someone else because he doesn't plan to get married now.

 

 

I would be less concerned about the timing of when he will be ready to get married -- and more concerned about this statement that he made. After you've been together for a year, he's casually saying that he doesn't want to stand in the way of you finding a new b/f so that you can pursue your ultimate goal of marriage?

 

The end of 2011/beginning of 2012 is not that far off. We're talking about a year and a half from now. You've already been together for a year. Feasibly it sounds like he's saying that he may be ready to talk about marriage after two and a half years of dating. I think that is fine and normal.... but I would be very uncomfortable with him stating at this point that he doesn't want to stand in your way. I would hope that after a year he would feel more territorial about you and about making it work.

 

I sure hope it works out for both of you if that's what you want, but if I were in your shoes I would think about giving him a little bit of space since he apparently is saying that he would be OK with it?

 

PS -I wish I had a story to share about marrying my own b/f but we are only five months into this, so like you, I am waiting to see what happens.

 

Good luck!

[digger11]

just dont worry about marriage in first year

[azzurra]

I want to get married because I would like to have a family. I guess I'm traditional in matters of serious relationships and marriage. Thank you for sharing your stories.

 

Any other success stories?

[_Asti_]

For some men, financial stability is important when it comes to marriage. For some guys, being a husband is more than just putting a ring on his partner. It's being able to provide, put a roof over your heads, feed you, pay the bills, and provide for a family. If he won't have something stable till 2012, makes perfect sense in my eyes.

 

My fiance and I have been together over 6 years. I'm 24, he's 29. It wasn't until maybe 6 months ago that he finally settled into a good job and started feeling like 'a man'. The engagement process was put off because he didn't feel like he could provide the way a husband should. And he had been telling me for some time that it was about finances, and being financially secure to take that next step. It didn't matter that I made a great penny, that I could provide for the two of us, that we didn't want something elaborate in terms of a wedding, that I was fine with a trip to the court house!, that we don't want children for another 5 years!

 

What mattered was him feeling like a husband, when the money started pouring in, he felt good. He felt confident that he could provide us with a comfortable life, and the ring quickly went onto my finger.

 

People easily told me the whole 'he's not going to buy the cow when he's getting the milk for free...' because we lived together and the engagement wasn't happening...it had nothing to do with that..and I knew it because we both feel strongly about marriage and knew it was a goal and for the life of him he wished he could have done it sooner but it just wasn't right when it came to HIM feeling good about himself and being a provider, husband and feeling good about creating a marriage.

[sherryberrypie]

^

Asti, I keep forgetting this. As soon as the money started pouring in (on his side anyways) he instantly wanted a home for us, and we set out to get one. Now that we've closed and all that good stuff, for me it's become uber important to get married and I'm feeling increasingly bitter about not being engaged yet. BUT, your post made me remember that because of all the expenses and suprises that come along with owning a home (as well as my desire for a few new things) he is probably feeling financially insecure again and not husband'y.

[Lunaetick]

I wouldn't worry too much, your boyfriend doesn't sound like the type that is afraid of marriage or just stringing you along. He has some very valid reasons for wanting to wait and it's good that his priorities are in order.

 

Around this time last year I was hearing similar lines from my boyfriend whenever I tried to bring up marriage. I was ready before he was for that type of commitment. I decided to stop bringing it up because I didn't want to make him feel pressured. He told me that he wanted to be together for 3 years before we got engaged, and we were dating for 2 years at the time. Sure enough, a few weeks after our 3 year anniversary he proposed

 

My point is, I'd believe what he's telling you about wanting to wait just another year and a half for things to fall into place. It's really not that long and the time will fly by, trust me!

[anydaynow]

 

 

I came to these forums with the same question years ago (see the linked thread above). It was June 2006, and we'd been dating for... get this... EIGHT YEARS. I was 27 at the time, and he is a couple years older, so it wasn't like we'd been together all that time because we met really young. (I was 19, he was 21 when we met)

 

Fast forward 4 years... we are married and have a beautiful daughter, and we are planning to start trying for baby #2... anydaynow! LIfe is beautiful, it really is.

 

The proposal finally came in Feb 07, we got married Jan 08, and had our first child just about 9 months later.

 

People here talk of the 2 year rule and other nonsense, but the truth is, only the two people in the relationship really know what is going on in the relationship, and only those people can apply an expiration date to their relationship. Lots of people tried to convince me he was just stringing me along, but that just didn't seem like him, and I was right. He just needed to get to the place I was in (ready for marriage), and my job was to wait for it if I wanted to be with him. I could have left and found someone who was ready, but I valued being with him, waiting for him, over marriage. People flat out told me I was wasting my time in the relationship, and it turns out they were dead wrong.

 

I'll admit, I did circle a date in my calendar (August 2007) and if the proposal hadn't come by then, I'd walk. The idea being that it would light a fire under him and he'd realize the error of his ways and work is butt off to fix things. Thank goodness it didn't come to that- who knows if I would have stuck to my guns given how I felt and still feel about him.

 

Best of luck! I hope you find the happiness that I have soon!

 

Also, there is a book about this, titled "Closing the Deal: Two married guys take you from single miss to wedded bliss" that I found interesting during my waiting room days...

[spinstermanquee]

I copied and pasted this from a post I made in 2007:

 

open quote

"After we decided we were in love, I told my husband that I respected his opinion regarding marriage. He saw it as a meaningless piece of paper and a waste of time.

 

My opinion, however, was that it is the highest commitment any person can make to another and really means something. I told him that while I really cared for him, someday I wanted that highest commitment (but hey, no pressure, and I really meant it)."

end quote

 

I also let him know at that time, in a respectful way, that if something or someone more closely aligned with my goals came along that I would pursue the option... again, I wasn't playing him. I was being really authentic during a completely frank two-way conversation about life and goals and the meaning (or lack thereof) of marriage.

 

This month marks 16 years from that time frame. We were engaged for 2 years and now married for 14.

 

ONLY YOU can decide if it's the right thing, and you can rely more on your gut feeling than any post here. If he's the one for you, hang... it will happen