I'm being unrealistic into thinking my ex will come back again.Please help me come back to reality!

[cherryberry123]

I'm trying not to think reconciliation is possible with my ex, but I'm entering "lala" land again thinking there may be a chance.

 

I made a promise to myself I will cut off ALL contact with my ex if he does not bother to contact me by this coming Sunday.

The last time I spoke to him was May 21. I told him I can no longer be his friend, but he got upset..and I gave in. I said "I miss hanging out with you, but I only want to hang out if you truly want to. I feel like I'm forcing you.". He replied by saying "I miss hanging out with you also. Believe me, I want to hang out. We'll hang out after my 5 days shifts (which ended last Monday)".

So, Monday rolled around(Never heard from him)...then Tuesday (I started getting depressed)...then Wednesday(Anxious, if I don't hear from him by Sunday..that's it. NC forever)...Thursday I check my phone to see a text msg. It was sent at 1:30am the night before. It said "Good night! Teddy says the same"

Teddy is a bear a gave him a while ago (changed him name for privacy reasons.lol).

Back in March, after going NC for 2 months, my ex placed Teddy as his facebook picture and emailed me the next day asking how I've been. The initial reason I joined ENA in the first place.I eventually told him to take the picture down since I gave it for "certain reasons".

 

I feel like the relationship my ex and I have is unusual. The care we have for each other is still present. When we haven't heard from each other after a couple of days, we send texts like "Good night!". It's a good feeling, and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. The connection we have is still there.

 

I've read many threads about ena members and communication with their ex...and it's nothing like mine! It's always exes being hot and cold, being bitter, badmouthing, angry etc.

 

But I need to get out of this fantasy...please knock some sense into me!!!

[Chris Knows]

What you have to realize that just because he is doing some of the stuff he is doing that does not always mean he wants to reconcile.

 

When I was back in the 'Player' days it would be a cycle.

 

They contact you, you hang out. After a few days you don't feel the need to be there all of the time. Then you go away. In order to keep them from being mad at you, you come back with something cute and clever [Teddy Bear] and all is forgotten.

 

I used this for many of many years of my life. The only time I truly wanted to see or get back with somebody is when she cut off all ties from me and moved on.

 

No text or words will change his mind. He needs to figure it out on his own.

 

Sincerely,

A guy who has done it

 

Also when I was reconciling with my then ex now wife, she would do the same. Pop up every few days with an 'I miss you' or 'I just don't know what I want right now'. Seriously, it's ****. There needs to come a time when YOU NEED TO BECOME THE CHOICE AND NOT AN OPTION.

[Cadence44]

Lots of exes are nice. Being nice and not wanting you back are not mutually exclusive; they can exist in the same person.

 

The hot and cold you are referencing can also be about their behavior, which is most definitely happening in your case. He's giving you just enough to keep you wondering, but does not take any more action than that. That's what you need to concentrate on, not little signals and actions that you assign meaning to that may not be there in reality.

 

Cherry, this is all in your head. This meaningfulness, the "but he wouldn't do this if he didn't want me back, right?", "but he's so different from all the other exes" - all you. You are keeping yourself hooked and preventing yourself from moving on. You are the only one who can knock some sense into yourself and it starts by recognizing how you are creating this dynamic. It does not have to be this way.

[quirky]

I have had a very close connection to my ex too and when we talk I feel like I can so easily go to dreamland. All reason goes out of the window and I get these romantic images in my head. When I speak to him I sometimes feel like I am entering a different world. It can still have that effect on me and it saddens me when I hold back, he almost feels like family to me.

 

But here's the thing that helps me and yes depresses me also. To look at the facts of today and to see him as a guy and what he's really offering. Not as your love. Look at the facts of today, the reason you have come on this board, the paranoia you feel when he doesn't contact. I hate those feelings. And reminding myself of that helps. Think about also what you would do if the situation was in your hands. You'd do more than he does I presume. See him more objectively, flowery words can fool us, look at the actions. I know how contradictory your feelings must be but you have to look at things in a more detached way and not give him too many excuses nor idealise things. I know it's hard but it really is the only thing that helps. Along with NC. Which yes is brutal but helpful in the long run.

[Kinkz]

So basically he's stringing you along and using little tricks like 'Teddy says goodnight too' to stop you from doing no contact. He wants to keep you on your toes, doesn't want to get back properly but at the same time doesn't want to fully let go.

 

Jus say if someone else enters his life.. his goodnight texts to you will stop. How will you feel then? It would be worse. If you want to do the whole No concat thing, then be strong and do it all the way.

[cherryberry123]

He isn't a player in any way.

 

He is stringing me along...and it would hurt like crazy when he finds someone.

 

Do you think I should confront him about it?

[Kinkz]

Yeh you should because then at least everything will be out in the open!

[cherryberry123]

Also when I was reconciling with my then ex now wife, she would do the same. Pop up every few days with an 'I miss you' or 'I just don't know what I want right now'. Seriously, it's ****. There needs to come a time when YOU NEED TO BECOME THE CHOICE AND NOT AN OPTION.

 

How did you confront your "wife" about it then? Did you give her an all or nothing option? (ie. be back together or nothing at all)

[Cadence44]

I don't think you should "confront" him. You're still treating him as if he's your boyfriend and therefore you have expectations about how he should act. He's not your boyfriend.

 

Plus, I don't think this guy is clueless. I'm sure he's been getting the vibes from you that you're not over him, especially because you've been waffling so much in your decisions. Someone who just wants to be friends doesn't act the way you've been acting. Your best bet is to quietly move on.

[cherryberry123]

I don't think you should "confront" him. You're still treating him as if he's your boyfriend and therefore you have expectations about how he should act. He's not your boyfriend.

 

Plus, I don't think this guy is clueless. I'm sure he's been getting the vibes from you that you're not over him, especially because you've been waffling so much in your decisions. Someone who just wants to be friends doesn't act the way you've been acting. Your best bet is to quietly move on.

 

Very true. I am aware I still have too much expectations from him. I guess a part of me wants him to just say "I have no feelings for you. I never want to get back with you".He said it back in December, but his current actions don't give me the impression that he is completely over me.

I don't send random "Goodnight!" texts to friends, and certainly wouldn't mention a sentimental gift like a teddy into the conversation. He is very fond of the teddy for some strange reason...

I also wouldn't expect a friend to start tearing up after I tell them "I thought you hated me..."

I know all of this doesn't mean he wants me back..but can we all agree he still has some slight attachment to me still?

 

I think I'm just going to go NIC. Just try to "go with the flow"

[DirectDingo]

I'd read from the text that he's trying to reach out to you and re-establish some form of connection that you had. I've been in your situation myself and it's easy to dip between hate and love in the space of a few hours, over something trivial.

 

I think what might be best is if you decide in your head, first and foremost if you want to be with him. If the answer is yes, then you need to ask yourself why. If after thinking about why, you still do, then you need to consider how.

 

Spending time together, doing mutually fun things is a good way to re-establish a connection. After spending some time doing something positive that you both enjoy, you can then discuss the issue and ask him if he feels the same way.

 

It's quite easy to say he's stringing you along, but he may also be trying to do the NC thing and move on and struggling in the same way that you are.

 

Ultimately, you can't switch off how you feel and if this is really what you want then it's highly likely you're going to give yourself a tough time until you eventually do something about it (hopefully not turning up at his door at 2am in the morning in your dressing gown! I kid, I kid.)

 

Seriously though, the wavering between emotions suggests to me that you're not clear in your head what expectations you have or how to approach the situation. If you can establish the goalposts, constraints and general flow of how you'd like things to be, then you'll be in a much better position to decide how to go about dealing with the whole situation. Clarity is a wonderful thing, but it's not easily achieved.

 

I hope it all works out how you want it to. Good luck.

[Lonewulv]

heh, I think you should read my latest thread....

[Cadence44]

I say this as someone who is prone to overanalysis, so please don't be offended: I don't think NIC is going to work for you. I'm not even thinking of this in terms of reconciliation. Mentally and emotionally, you need NC to stop overanalyzing and obsessing. Look what's happened with one text from him - your mind has gone into overdrive. There will most certainly be more of this if you go with NIC.

 

I don't know why he's doing what he's doing. He probably doesn't even know. All you need to take into consideration is what he isn't doing - taking steps toward working things out.

[cherryberry123]

I say this as someone who is prone to overanalysis, so please don't be offended: I don't think NIC is going to work for you. I'm not even thinking of this in terms of reconciliation. Mentally and emotionally, you need NC to stop overanalyzing and obsessing. Look what's happened with one text from him - your mind has gone into overdrive. There will most certainly be more of this if you go with NIC.

 

I don't know why he's doing what he's doing. He probably doesn't even know. All you need to take into consideration is what he isn't doing - taking steps toward working things out.

 

You're probably right...

 

I am at a lost right now for what to do. I mean, the breakup was last September...it's been a while.

 

Going...

 

NC- won't work since I want to keep him in my life no matter what. Even if we both move on, a guy like him is hard to find. He changed my life for the better. He is the only ex I ever felt like I wanted to keep in my life. I'm usually the "leave the past behind" type of girl.

 

NIC- will drive me insane and will keep the struggle going on for longer

 

Trust me, I've thought this through so many times..and changed my decision a million times already. I guess I'm expecting to find an answer, and I never will.

 

My counselor said go with the flow and not overanalyze. I wish it were that easy.

 

To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if he was being cautious himself. I caused the breakup...I was probably 85% at fault. I belittled him and made him cry all the time. I never appreciated him. He even admitted recently he was hurt pretty badly during the relationship.

A part of me feels like he's expecting me to say "I miss you. Let's get back together". There's been a couple times I would say "I need to talk to you, can we meet sometime?"..."Sure, how about tomorrow..or now?".

When I had the private discussion with him, I said "I need to tell you something..but I don't know how to say it...". He was completely open to hearing me out, and may I say he seemed a little excited? That's the vibe I got anyways...

 

But yes, I need to figure this out on my own. Pardon my useless thread that goes nowhere...again!

[Chris Knows]

How did you confront your "wife" about it then? Did you give her an all or nothing option? (ie. be back together or nothing at all)

 

I played the games at first. The every few days of contact then she'd come back.

 

Eventually I gave her a choice. To try and work things out with me and be with me or I was not going to stay around.

 

Took her a a few weeks to come around but eventually she came around and we have been happy ever since

[hater13]

My ex still sent 'goodnight' texts for the week that we still contacted each other, he'd tell me what he was doing and all that. It was probably because he was so used to the routine it was hard for him to break it.

 

Please cut your ex out of your life. What he's doing makes

me think he isn't as nice as you seem to think he is. If he was 'nice' he'd leave you alone and let you heal

[coolchick64]

I say this as someone who is prone to overanalysis, so please don't be offended: I don't think NIC is going to work for you. I'm not even thinking of this in terms of reconciliation. Mentally and emotionally, you need NC to stop overanalyzing and obsessing. Look what's happened with one text from him - your mind has gone into overdrive. There will most certainly be more of this if you go with NIC.

 

I don't know why he's doing what he's doing. He probably doesn't even know. All you need to take into consideration is what he isn't doing - taking steps toward working things out.

 

 

Cadence has it right. Cherryberry, hon, you're making waaayyyy too much out of his few contacts. He's not stringing you along. He's not being cautious. He's gone! It sounds like he'd be nice if you contacted him, but there's nothing else there. You're building this whole situation into something it's not. The sad face and all that was over a week ago. If he really missed you and needed to be in touch, you'd be hearing from him.

 

Because you're having so much trouble accepting that the relationship is over, you really really have to go NC. It's not there. Just let go.

[cherryberry123]

you guys are right...

 

how do i prevent myself from answering his texts or calls?

[jenna-is-here]

I highly recommend to go NC.

 

Basically, you two are trying to figure out what your *new* relationship looks like now that you are not formally together.

 

Personally, once an intimate relationship ends, I need to start immediate NC b/c I can not take all the ups and downs and the wondering where he is, who he is hanging out with and what he is doing. I just need them OUT of my life instead of those crumbs (for my sanity).

 

The ONLY way I could ever stay in contact is if I really had no feelings for him in that way anymore.

 

So, my recommendation...establish some boundries (NC), stick to them, then you will not be putting yourself in a position to interpret everything that goes on which may trick your mind into thinking you are on the road to getting back together.

[lavenderdove]

teddy bear = security blanket

ex girlfriend = security blanket

 

Lots of people behave the way he does with exes... striking out on your own can be scary and lonely sometimes, so it's nice to snuggle with a security blanket or contact an ex at those times...

 

He may know very well that he doesn't want a relationship with you again, but he does get lonely or horny or nostalgic now and again, all of us do!

 

You need to ground yourself in the here and now more than living in the land of desperately looking for any sign he may be back. Honestly, what you describe is treating you more like a friend or someone he is fond of, but for whatever reason doesn't want to date... If he wanted to date you, he would be setting up meetings, asking you out, doing more than talking about maybe getting together sometime in the nebulous future and sending you little texts when he's lonely or bored.

[cherryberry123]

you know what i don't get...

 

Why is he so eager when I say something along the lines of "I want to talk" BUT when we're planning on doing something fun like going to eat or play ball, he doesn't give me an exact date.

 

 

Two occasions where this has happened:

 

Me Can we meet up sometime? I have something I really want to talk to u about"

Him How about tomorrow?"

[i met up with him..and I asked why he was so willing to meet, and he said "Well, you wanted to hang out.". The impression I got is that he completely missed the "I really want to talk to u about something" part because he thought we were just gonna "hang out"]

 

Me: If you are free today, do u mind if i come to visit? I would like to talk

Him: I can meet up with you now. How about at the park near your place?

 

Both occasions, he never asked what I wanted to talk about...he was basically coming to the meeting blind! It sounds intimidating, doesn't it? If someone says "I need to talk", I would be curious and ask about what.

But if I suggest a fun meeting like going to get ice cream or whatever..he sounds completely willing to, but never follows through! I don't know if this has just been coincidence...

He claims he misses hanging out with me also....

 

Can someone explain this to me, it's like a trigger goes off for him when i mention "talk". I should ask "hey, i would love to talk to you..let's go get a bite to eat!"

[lavenderdove]

He wants to be your friend... He accepts or not based on other plans he has going on, and whether seeing you might be convenient or whether he's in the mood for it or not.

 

You're constantly looking for 'signs' or secret meaning, but he sounds like any other person who will tell a friend they'll meet up or won't based on their mood and what else they've got going on at the time.

 

If he wanted to date you, he would ask you out on dates, and initiate romantic encounters etc., not just agree to meet now and then when he's in the mood or not doing something else at the time.

 

You need to start living your life without making him the center of your attention and world. You're never going to read him accurately if all you're doing is looking for signs he might want to get back together. It is quite simple if he does... he'll call you up and start making romantic dates or talking about how he wants you back. Until he does so, you should just go on with your life, date other guys, focus on other things, and quit dissecting every little thing he says or does lookin for signs he's coming back.

[confused2010]

lavender---wow! That is so what I personally needed to hear! Thanks!

 

Cherry--- there's some good advise that you're getting here... Maybe it's time to take it to heart. Trust me, I'm the queen of over analyzing and it's been hard for me to want to let go of what I USE to have. I've been feeling horrible since my break up about 6 months ago, but once I decided to let it all go, I don't know... I felt so much lighter, so much more at ease. A real burden lifted off my shoulders. My ex is one of the so called nice guys too so I know exactly where you're coming from, but I think if you're going to get out of this one with any sanity then you have to let it go. And the sooner you do it, the sooner things will start to change for the better

[cherryberry123]

yes, lavender's last post definitely made me open my eyes a little bit more to the current situation..hopefully i keep that in mind.

 

i think i decided on what to do...only contact him as often as he contacts me, maybe even less...not going to ask him to hang out unless he asks..and just try to go with the flow.

Being realistic, NC is not going to work for me. I'm not ready to go NC

I need to stop overanalyzing, and thats the hardest part.

I just need to trust this in the hands of God and try to enjoy the ride

 

I should stop logging onto ENA for a while also..but its become a habit.

[lavenderdove]

There's an old expression that goes 'if wishes were fishes we'd all have a fish fry...'

 

I know you want him back really badly, but making your life all about wishes that may or may not come true is not healthy for you. You can't live on wishes, you need a real life romance, and if he isn't offering you one, you're best to put your focus elsewhere and to try to rein in the wishful thinking.

 

Just work hard to keep yourself grounded in reality... you may want him back, but unless he is making serious moves in your direction by asking you out or wanting to talk about getting back together again, then most likely he doesn't. People do what they want to do, and if he wants to get back together, he knows you do too and would be working on making that happen.

 

So anything else he does now is just noise... try to block it out and not analyze it and just live your life without all the fantasy, and more in today's reality, and you'll be happier and not obsess about him so much.