mandellin Posted May 28, 2010 Share Posted May 28, 2010 I have been in a relationship with someone for almost four years now. During our relationship he has always had periods of non-communication. He told me originally this was due to his job so I accepted it and tried not to badger him to much about it. Four years into our relationship and another period of non-communication has came. A lot of friends giving advice are telling me they think he is leading a double life and think he is with a girl somewhere else and I am freaking out now. I have no evidence to base this off of - but it scares me because I don't hear from him and I don't know. To make matters worse - I called his mom to check and see if she had heard from him,was he okay,etc. She told me that she had not heard from him in ten days. The next day she calls me back and tells me that he called her and for me to stop worrying about his well-being. Maybe I am being a little harsh here - but he can take the time out of his day to call his mom and can't pick up the phone to call me? He is not really close to her as she abandoned him when he was a child. The last time they had talked they had a big argument in which she basically told him he was a loser because he had not sent her the money she wanted. It has been almost ten days since I have heard from him. I think it is crappy that he called her and didn't call me. It would be different if she was a normal mother and he was close to her - but he is not. So I guess my question is how much NC should I let him get away with before I pack my bags and move on with my life? Link to comment
Sanesoul Posted May 28, 2010 Share Posted May 28, 2010 Wow, I would kick him to the curb. Him disappearing for days on end is not healthy relationship behavior at all. You deserve more respect than that. Link to comment
happygal Posted May 28, 2010 Share Posted May 28, 2010 Boy, 4 years! If it be me he would have some explaining to do, right now! Or I would move on, after 4 years you shouldn't have secrets. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted May 28, 2010 Share Posted May 28, 2010 I think that after 4 years together, you've given him enough chances. He obviously has no respect for you, and it's not your job to raise him. I would move on, and never look back. Take care... Link to comment
mandellin Posted May 30, 2010 Author Share Posted May 30, 2010 He finally called after nine days of NC. I didn't answer because I have been mega busy. Then he called back the next day and I was busy.... I am starting to think maybe I should give him nine times of trying to call me with no answer so he can see how it feels...but I am not like that. The past couple of times we have talked on the phone before the NC stage - he acted very uninterested and bored then all the sudden nine days of NC. Link to comment
mandellin Posted May 31, 2010 Author Share Posted May 31, 2010 No call yet again but yet other guys who want to date me are blowing up my phone. I have had three calls tonight by a guy who is very interested in me. I did not answer but I am just saying boyfriend = 9 if you actually count actual days NC 12 without a phone call and this dude three calls in one night after months of not hearing from me. Link to comment
sidehop Posted June 1, 2010 Share Posted June 1, 2010 He is not really close to her as she abandoned him when he was a child. The last time they had talked they had a big argument in which she basically told him he was a loser because he had not sent her the money she wanted. It has been almost ten days since I have heard from him. I think it is crappy that he called her and didn't call me. It would be different if she was a normal mother and he was close to her - but he is not. This worries me; it's very possible he's following the same footsteps, whether he really is leading a double life or not. It's never normal to go without communication for more than 10 days. If this really is an abandonment issue then there's a lot more to his behavior then why he is doing this to you. In many ways this is something he probably learned as a survival skill without his mother. To rectify such behavior he would need professional help without a doubt unfortunately. I'm sorry you're going through this pain; stay strong and wish you the best. If this continues then it's time to cut him loose. Link to comment
mandellin Posted June 1, 2010 Author Share Posted June 1, 2010 Thanks Sidehop. I know he has issues. I am on day thirteen of not communicating with him. tomorrow will make a full two weeks. You would think if he loved me and cared about me this would not be a problem at all. He also told me that he would come to see me last Monday and never showed up. I waited a few days and when I had not heard from him called his mom to check on his well being. She said he hadn't called her either. The next day she calls and said that he called her and was alright. three nights later I get a phone call? When we have been together for four years and lived together off and on for over two years?????? He was talking about marriage and rings and we went to pre marriage counseling and I thought things were maybe a little better but nope he goes and pulls this stunt on me. He got really weird the day he left tooo - it was like all had been fine and then he went off like a basketcase and started yelling and screaming at me - and he had been living here and we had our problems don't get me wrong but nothing to warrant that emotional outburst. Link to comment
sidehop Posted June 1, 2010 Share Posted June 1, 2010 That's just not normal nor fair to you. I would make it crystal clear of your feelings and how this can affect the relationship especially if you two are getting married. In a long term aspect it could cause more pain, just imagine if you two had a child. There's no excuse for him to stop communicating with you at his will. It needs to stop and he needs to be upfront about why he's doing this. Link to comment
geekgirl4 Posted June 1, 2010 Share Posted June 1, 2010 Wow. This sounds terrible, 2 weeks of NC without any warning? How did you survive 4 years? This is not normal at all.... Link to comment
mandellin Posted June 2, 2010 Author Share Posted June 2, 2010 He called again. My mom had the phone in her car and promised me she would answer if he called and tell him to call me on the house or cell phone but she did not. She didn't even call and tell me he called. I called and asked her specifically and she said yes because I had that feeling in my stomach that he had. I asked for the number and called it. The person who answered said he was sleeping but that it was the right number and he had tried to call me off of it earlier. I said can you please wake him up? I have not spoken to him in a very long time and it is important. They said no, I will not wake him but I will tell him in the morning. * * * ???????????? Link to comment
sidehop Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 Things don't add up with him. I think you really need to look at this relationship and decide if this is something you can ever deal with if he doesn't change his ways. Personally it's probably best to give him the ultimatum, it's you or he'll need to find his own road in dealing with his problems. Link to comment
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