Trying to move on after break-up, there's this one girl...

[Igelchen]

Okay, please bear with me as this may be a little long winded. First, I'm a very shy guy. I just had a really awful break-up after my first proper relationship, which pretty much ruined my life (though with support I'll get back on track). I had a breakdown (also the result of long-term low self esteem and depression) and had to leave university and come home.

 

At this stage, I really want to move on.

 

And there's this girl, D, who I've liked for yeeeeears. Here's a potted history:

1. I know her for years. She flirts with me a bit, I try to flirt back but am pretty damn shy.

 

2. Last summer I'm in a play with her (we go to the same theatre group) and at the end of the run I make up my mind to ask her out. I don't, and feel like a * * * * . A few nights later, I got drunk and blatantly asked her out via a facebook message of all things -

heya =) I was gonna to ask you this earlier but I didn't take the opportunity, and now I won't see you again until december. So: if I asked you out, in all seriousness, you would say no, right?

(which I realise is not the most nonchalant way to ask a girl out). She replied

Hey... thats really nice of you to ask and everything, and because i wont see you til december i was thinking maybe we should wait and then catch up in december!? (so no that isn't a no straight away! =]) x

 

3. I went off to university, met and fell in love with my now-ex, lost my virginity, and only occasionally chatted to this other girl. My ex knew I had feelings towards D and was jealous - I told D my ex was jealous of her, in passing, but not entirely why.

 

4. After six or seven months, my ex suddenly leaves me. I'm devastated, and go home for the weekend. While at home, I go and see a play D is in. Several times - this is not weird, I'm an active member of the company when at home and do this for a lot of shows. And this one was a blockbuster

 

5. She sees me at the show a few times and I exchange a few words, including sitting with her one night when she fainted backstage. But that was a little awkward. After the last night of the play, I go along to the after show party, and see some other old mates there.

 

I was feeling quite good that weekend, for some reason, and when they asked me if I wanted to join them in going out on the town, I agreed. D was going too. We went to a couple of pubs. D at one point hid my drink, but then didn't dance with me. I went off with a friend who was being ill, got a pizza, then went back to D and her friend R who were sat on the pavement.

 

R was very very drunk, me and D not so much. They were heading back, so I helped D carry R home. D said they'd walk with me back to where I was staying - a little further on from her house. As we walked, R suggested loudly that when we got me home, D should give me a "great big kiss".

 

D said "that entirely depends on how Igelchen feels about it" and I replied, truthfully, that it was fine by me. And accordingly I made out with D outside the front door, I said "hey, we should still go for that drink sometime" and she said "we'll see!" or something similar

 

Then she called me with something incomprehensible at about 3am and said if I wanted to talk to her I should call...

 

6. A couple of days later, I did. She didn't pick up 'cos she was eating, but texted me back later. We had a short convo.

 

7. About a week later I texted her again. Short conversation. She didn't reply to my last text.

 

8. Another week or so later I texted again, intending to ask if I might see her at an event the next night. She never texted back, so I left her a FB message about it, and left it at that. She never replied. I decided I'd just leave it and see how she reacted next time she saw me in person, in case I'd said something wrong. Can't think what, though.

 

9. A couple of nights ago I chatted to her on FB. She wanted my dad's email for something. I gave her that and asked about school and exams, and was going to ask her to come with me the next night to friend's gig nearby - she had a rehearsal that night and an exam the next morning, so it was a "sorry" and then I had to go.

 

10. I saw her unexpectedly last night at another show I went to support, where she'd done the lighting. After the show I was nearly going to go over and say hi, but I couldn't get up the nerve - she was with other friends, I didn't have anything to say. I kind of hovered awkwardly, and then went back, but she hugged my (Female) friend and just walked straight past me without even saying hi. At which point I had to leave with my parent.

 

SO, bearing in mind that I don't run into this girl all that often, hang out with her even less, and so have absolutely nothing to say to her conversationally when we meet nowadays, what should I do now?

 

I know I'll see her at a party on the 19th of June, and probably on a trip to see Wicked! on the 10th of July, and after that she's going to be in a play I'm directing (my debut) at the local theatre. Otherwise, I don't drive and am a ten-minute drive away from the town, half an hour away from the nearest entertainment I could ask her to go to with me (a cinema) with no buses available...

 

I thought that, maybe, I could ask her friend R what D's opinion of me is... considering the somewhat mixed messages I'm getting and my clumsiness in all this. D isn't particularly shy, I don't think, but I don't think she's had a boyfriend before. She knows I like her. She also knows I've been a bit.... miserable recently, though I've taken care to avoid her seeing me too upset about the ex. I have never so much as asked for a girl's number (although I have D's) let alone successfully wooed anyone - my ex came after me. I'm completely out of my depth trying to engineer ways to hang out with her.

 

I'm aware this post is growing longer, so I'll leave it there. General advice? And then I can get more specific if necessary...

[Cadence44]

Considering that you're not over your ex, and that you recently posted about how you suspect that you were your ex's rebound (and how hurt you are by that), WHY do you think it would be a good idea to pursue this girl? You're looking to her to fill the void in your life. Don't use her like that, especially since you know the pain of feeling like you were similarly used.

 

If you have a future with this girl, you will wreck it if you try and start something with her when you have not properly healed from your breakup.

[Brigadoon]

I kinda agree with cadence on this.

Plus I think you need to cool off a bit as one of the reasons she is giving you mixed signals is because she's probably getting just as many from you. When I first started seeing other people after my ex I would be all for it one minute and then the next I just wanted to be a million miles away.

Don't push yourself; if you do you'll completely ruin your chances because she'll think you just want her as a rebound. You've texted and messaged her and she's blanked you so just back off and leave the ball in her court.

I'm glad to hear that you've picked yourself up and are getting on with things though

[Igelchen]

Really guys? Awww I guess I'll go concentrate on driving lessons or something for another month...

 

You're right, though, there's no way I'm ready for anything serious right now.

 

But I would still like to move on.

[Igelchen]

Hmm... even for future reference, I assume going over her head to her friend to ask how she feels about me is a big no-no? Especially if done online... I don't know R terribly well.

[usernameperson]

dont talk to her friend... you dont know her to well. lots of girls (specially ones that like to drink a lot lol) love drama... she will tell her friend that you asked about here asap lol.

 

so unless you want her to know, then dont ask her friend anything.

 

other then that i have no other advice. i cant even muster up the courage to ask another girl out...

[Brigadoon]

Seriously guys; don't sweat it.

When I was trying to push myself too early it just made me feel worse because I still wanted my ex one minute, then I was mad about the new guy,then I was back again etc. It really spoiled the fun of it and now that I'm over my ex (still a bit of work on missing my old life though) I'm not even giving him a second thought when I'm talking to someone I'm into.

So really you're probably just pushing yourselves to do something that you're not going to enjoy anyway so I'd say go spend that energy on something else in the meantime. And I know for a fact that a guy I'm into liked me but wouldn't make a move because he knew my situation and I also get the feeling that he's trying to suss me out to see about it now. So in this case people seem to understand and keep you as an option so you'll probably get a even better chance with them later on

[jimbojones100]

Hmm, you could stirke up a conversation via FB or something before your June party if you want to reach out to her before then. Keep it light, just ask if she's going to be there, the "oh cool, see you there" kind of thing.

 

The next test will be the actual night of the 19th when you see her in person. If she's still stand-offish, then I think we know she isn't looking to go further than friends. But I don't think there's any reason to be shy when you see her there. Just have a good time regardless.