Completely baffled over shy guy

[givinggirl]

This is such a long story, so I'm going to give the short version (which will still seem long) and you guys can ask any questions along the way. Known shy guy for 7 years. I met him while dating my ex. During that time, he barely spoke to me and was always nervous around me. Fast forward 3 years, break up with bf, move out, shy guy shows up to help me move out.

 

Fast forward 1 year, mutual friend starts trying to play matchmaker with me & shy guy. We start communicating through texts. I begin looking for house, buy a house (happens to be down the street from shy guy), we hang out a couple times in a group, he's next to me the whole time, buying me drinks, walking me to my car, hugging goodnight. Went out to celebrate my house purchase, he invited a bunch of my ex's gang, he paid the bill. Time to move and he takes a day off work to help me move without me even asking or knowing. NYE, go to our mutual friends and he asks me to dance, we dance for 4 hours straight fun dancing and very close dancing.

 

From there on it's been flirting when around each other and texting in between. The whole group of friends were talking about us (even in front os us) about us getting together. That wasn't good cause we are both shy and don't like to spot light. I did ask him to be my date for 2 weddings, he declined one cause he had to work and the second he said he's just not comfortable. I asked him if he was interested or not and he responded sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. At the time, I didn't believe his answer and thought he just said it cause he's shy, scared and nervous, but I backed off anyways, just in case. We went camping, I rode a quad for the first time, I was slower than everyone, I was told that he was very worried and wanted to go look for me and everyone said I was fine. I was fine and after that, he made it a point to ride behind me the rest of the time. Yet, we didn't really speak the who weekend. There are so many other instances of him flirting with me, hugging me and picking me up, teasing me, etc. He even gave me the sweetest birthday card about sharing a journey and signed it Love him.

 

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, we go to a party, at the end of the night, he leaves with me and then we hugged goodbye, he turned around and asked if I wanted to hang out. The first time he ever initiated anything. I was surprised and I said yes. So, we went home and then he came to pick me up on his quad. We walked to the bar, he bought me a drink and pulled his chair up to be right next to me. He made a comment that night about being single for 12 years and I saw him looking at me when he said it, as if he wanted to see my reaction. Then, he said, he was going to head home, so I said I would walk back with him. He joked with me on the way home about over the winter when we were walking that road and I was holding onto his arm so I wouldn't fall on the ice. He ended up falling, so he said how I didn't even hold onto him and was giving me a hard time. I put my arm around his and said I will hold on to you now...then defended myself and said that he's twice my size, I couldn't hold him up, but that I had lessened his fall. He was just laughing, then gave me a hug goodnight and left.

 

Fast forward to yesterday. I hear from my girlfriend, that our mutual friend told her that shy guy is kind of dating someone cause he showed up last weekend with a girl when they were hanging out. I don't know what to make of this. I don't know if he's dating this girl, or who she is, but it just all makes no sense to me. He's very private and doesn't talk to anyone about things, he keeps to himself. I can't imagine that he just met this girl and brought her out with his friends. It's not his MO. I just am baffled and I don't want to jump to conclusions. Naturally, I'm upset by this because I really like this guy and I thought we had a connection, even if it was very slow moving.

 

Thoughts?

[cynthiastout]

just hang in there, this girl might be nothing. It seems like he is into you, it should only be a matter of time before he makes his move... it sounds like his nerves are getting the better of him. Just make sure you keep in touch with him, and maintain your friendship

[givinggirl]

just hang in there, this girl might be nothing. It seems like he is into you, it should only be a matter of time before he makes his move... it sounds like his nerves are getting the better of him. Just make sure you keep in touch with him, and maintain your friendship

 

I've been trying to keep in touch, I sent him 3 texts this week, but he hasn't responded. It's not unusual, he sometimes goes through spurts of not replying to people. Then, I heard this yesterday and thought maybe he's avoiding me. So, I sent a text that he hasn't replied all week and was everything ok? He still hasn't replied. So, I'm just going to stop.

 

I think too that it might be nothing. It's not like these guys actually have conversations with each other (they are weird like that), so it could just be people assuming. I'm a little curious as to how the introductions went, that would be telling.

 

Part of me also thinks that he likes me, but he doesn't want to like me because it makes him feel like he's being disloyal to my ex.

 

I just wish I knew so I could stop thinking about it.

[bruinsy81]

The guy that you describe in this post doesn't sound particularly shy to me.Perhaps his being single for twelve years is due to some other factor of social network,maybe he is picky,maybe he didn't really desire a relationship that much.I don't think you should assume he isn't pushing forward due to shyness.I think YOU should make a move and wait and see how he responds.

[givinggirl]

The guy that you describe in this post doesn't sound particularly shy to me.Perhaps his being single for twelve years is due to some other factor of social network,maybe he is picky,maybe he didn't really desire a relationship that much.I don't think you should assume he isn't pushing forward due to shyness.I think YOU should make a move and wait and see how he responds.

 

He is shy. When we first started hanging out when I was buying the house, he wouldn't talk at all. I did the talking (which I'm bad at too) and luckily my friend was around to keep the flow going. He would hug me like he didn't know how or where to touch me. He surprises me sometimes, and he has gotten more comfortable around me, but I can give some examples.

 

We drive the same roads for work around the same time. If he saw me on the road, he would take a longer way home. He did a lot of avoiding in the beginning because all his family and our friends were talking and pushing things and that made him uncomfortable being the center of gossip. I figured they would do their talking and move on, but they did it for a whole year.

 

He has this nervous smile & laugh that he does when he gets bashful.

 

We fell asleep on my basement floor on NYE and when he woke up, he woke me up, gave me a long big hug goodbye (I think so I wasn't looking at him) and while walking out he giggled like a little boy. I think he was nervous because he "slept" with me and didn't know what to say or do. Another time, we fell asleep on his couch. He got up and went to bed, but I heard him giggling then too.

 

He will ask me questions, then get all nervous and say nevermind you don't have to answer that or he will act shocked by himself and cover his face with his hand like he's embarrassed.

 

He left something at my house twice and wouldn't stop by to pick it up until the next party.

 

I make salsa and pickles in the summer. Before I moved down the street, I gave him multiple batches that our mutual friend brought to him. After I moved, I offered him some and he always said no thanks. Now, I know he likes it, but I think he said no because that would require either him stopping by to pick it up or me going to his house to drop it off.

 

I was riding on the back of his quad to a party through my old neighborhood. My ex happened to be standing at the end of the driveway and he freaked and pulled off to the side of the road. He pulled himself together a little and started driving. He stopped to say hi to my ex, but he was so nervous and holding his breath. We made small talk then went on our way. We saw him again later that night where he was talking to our friends where we were going. He pulled accross the street instead and was all nervous. I told him, it's okay, we already did our duty and said hello, we don't need to say it again. That seemed to calm him down and we started walking over there and my ex was gone by the time we got there.

 

Trust me, he's very shy, everyone knows it and he would tell you that. I think he's holding back due partly to his shyness, partly because of my ex and partly because of his past relationship. He was always very bashful around me. At the time, I just thought he was very shy, but looking back, I think he's liked me for the past 7 years because of the fact that he never spoke to me while dating my ex, but he spoke to all the other guys wives and gfs.

 

I want to get things going, but because he's so shy and nervous, it makes me even more nervous.

[abitbroken]

When he told you he didn't want to go to the wedding because he wasn't interested - did he say he wasn't interested in the wedding or in you? If it was the wedding, then if he is shy maybe he was uncomfortable with the social situation.

 

With all this flirting, touching, etc, if it were me I would probably decide that enough is enough. I would tell him that you have had feelings for him for quite awhile and if he is not interested in you that its not fair for him to flirt and give you false hope. Tell him that your ex doesn't matter.

 

It could be that he does really like you but is not emotionally available or doesn't know how to react or jump in. You deserve someone who is able to be in a relationship with you. It seems to be maddening to wait. My boyfriend can be very shy around women, but he wasn't around me because we clicked. Once we got the ball rolling, he pursued me. Since it has taken 7 years of knowing you to get to this point, I am wondering if he is not merely shy - that he may have some social issues - lots of shy people are painfully shy around new people but not when you know them and he has known you long enough. I am not saying its a bad thing, but if you want a guy to pursue you and sweep you off your feet, its not him.

 

If you still want to continue as you are - keeping in touch and perhaps someday he'll make a move - then that's fine, but if you really want an 'answer', you are going to have to say something without coming on too strong - just be prepared for him to withdraw a bit if he is uncomfortable with being called on the carpet or attention being drawn to his feelings. But at least you will know. That is, if you still think that he may be interested rather than going with what he said before.

[givinggirl]

When he told you he didn't want to go to the wedding because he wasn't interested - did he say he wasn't interested in the wedding or in you? If it was the wedding, then if he is shy maybe he was uncomfortable with the social situation.

 

The first wedding I invited him to he told me sorry, he has to work and they get scheduled a month in advance. I asked him 3 weeks prior to the wedding. I wasn't sure if he just used work as an excuse because he's shy and would be uncomfortable. The next wedding I made sure to ask more than a month in advance, but I also didn't want him to feel pressured, so I gave him his out basically and he took it. I asked him and said or is it just not your thing and he said it's just not my thing. I thought inviting him to a wedding would be a good ice breaker since I already knew he would dance with me, but I can understand not knowing a soul. I've been there and usually it's not much fun.

 

With all this flirting, touching, etc, if it were me I would probably decide that enough is enough. I would tell him that you have had feelings for him for quite awhile and if he is not interested in you that its not fair for him to flirt and give you false hope. Tell him that your ex doesn't matter.

 

It could be that he does really like you but is not emotionally available or doesn't know how to react or jump in. You deserve someone who is able to be in a relationship with you. It seems to be maddening to wait. My boyfriend can be very shy around women, but he wasn't around me because we clicked. Once we got the ball rolling, he pursued me. Since it has taken 7 years of knowing you to get to this point, I am wondering if he is not merely shy - that he may have some social issues - lots of shy people are painfully shy around new people but not when you know them and he has known you long enough. I am not saying its a bad thing, but if you want a guy to pursue you and sweep you off your feet, its not him.

 

It's the unspoken body language that shows me he is interested, he just has a problem with jumping in. You know, it's like a kid who first is learning to swim and is scared of the deep end of the pool. Even though I've known him for 7 years, this possibility has only been for 2 years, I was always in a relationship. He's a gentleman and would never over step onto another guy. He was painfully shy with me at the beginning, but now we are fine as friends. It's just the more than friends part of it that he's shy with. He's also self-conscious about himself, so I don't think that helps.

 

If you still want to continue as you are - keeping in touch and perhaps someday he'll make a move - then that's fine, but if you really want an 'answer', you are going to have to say something without coming on too strong - just be prepared for him to withdraw a bit if he is uncomfortable with being called on the carpet or attention being drawn to his feelings. But at least you will know. That is, if you still think that he may be interested rather than going with what he said before.

 

I don't think saying something will get me anywhere....that would require him to talk about it, which is what makes him clam up. About a year ago, when everyone was talking about us, I sent him a text and said, "Can I ask you a question? Has anyone asked you about me & you?" I thought I would see where this went. He replied, "No, you can't ask me a question." So, I replied, "Well, I kinda already did, but that doesn't mean you have to answer it." He replied, "No one has asked me that." Which, I know wasn't true, but obviously, I made him uncomfortable. I think if I do anything, I'm just going to have to kiss him and see his reaction. Talking about it won't work. I just need to work up my own nerve and catch him when he's sitting down or picking me up for a hug since he's a foot taller than me.

[oldenoughtoknow]

"I think if I do anything, I'm just going to have to kiss him and see his reaction. Talking about it won't work. I just need to work up my own nerve and catch him when he's sitting down or picking me up for a hug since he's a foot taller than me."

 

That's what I'd do. It's been 2 years. This thing either needs to be jump started, or just forget about it. You should definitely have your answer in his reaction.