Ex GF (Mildly) Broke NC...

[DMK]

So I won't go into crazy detail with a story because who cares really right?

 

Lived with my beautiful (stunning) ex 4 years in my home. Engaged 1.5 years. Lying and emotional affair (possibly physical) discovered 2 months ago after she opted out of wedding. Wedding would have been 2 weeks ago. Mild contact for around 2 weeks after learning of EA via cell bill. NC (total) of 40+ days til today (immediately asked her to move out upon affair discovery). She wanted out anyway and put up no fight (so consider her dumper not me).

 

Alright so the way I see it, I went NC for these reasons:

 

1. Knew I needed to heal and contact was a setback.

 

2. Needed to get my dignity/personal power back.

 

3. Missed her and still wanted her back (god knows why, because she is hot and I am lonely I guess), and knew NC, while rare, occasionally got exes to miss you and want back in.

 

I put a 95% chance mentally, knowing her, she would never attempt a crawl back.

 

Today, just got this simple out of the blue text after 40+ days:

 

"I miss you..."

 

OK so it's super minor and from reading the other stories I realize this...But why am I tempted to write back anyway? Am I stupid and weak? I know from reading, texts like this are basically just feelers, weak moments (much like dumpees have) yet here I am anyway. Sigh.

 

Support? What to do? I think from reading around the right thing to do here is, even if I am still gullible enough to want to reconcile after the lies, I need more than this to bother even mustering up the energy to reply, right? Nothing short of an in person begging of epic proportions and apology for all that was wrong and a sincere commitment to make things right over a simple "I miss you..." before you even consider contact back right?

 

- D.

[jimbojones100]

I'm not a fan of getting back together with people who cheat on you. You can look at it as "everyone deserves a second chance" or you can look at it as "if they did it before, they'll do it again".

 

If you've been doing fine without her up to this point, why give in?

[FootofGod]

I have feared those words since I thought of the chance of reconciliation - are they feeler words? Does she just miss having me around but not really "miss me?" Should I even respond right away?

 

I don't know, I can't quite figure out to do: maybe ask her "aren't you happy?" maybe tell her "I'm sorry" and leave it at that, maybe probe her with "why?" Can you even say "I miss you" back? This one's tricky, but I'm a fool for even thinking about it. First, she has to miss me, and I'm not even that far.

[DMK]

Well, FootofGod, fear it -- Because I wanted it and now I got it and I don't know what to do with it. I really don't.

 

Like jimbojones says, it's sort of like a two way street. Plus "I miss you" is not the same as "I'm sorry and I really want you back". It's a very, very, VERY vague safe proclamation of putting out feelers but no more. In other words, a very sneaky way for a dumper to check in on you with making zero commitment back. If you could put a percentage on "I want you back", and 100% was the absolute ultimate mea culpa begging to get back into your life, I would say "I miss you" and nothing more, via text no less (not a phone call or an in-person thing) is probably 10%.

 

As for "doing fine", I wouldn't say that, I miss her and think about her often. Know that a life without her is possible and livable however would probably prefer a life with her if she was also working on herself, however the uncertainly of that entire aspect makes a life back with her also a very daunting, challenging task, much more so even than a relationship with someone new. So, it's a tough one for sure.

 

At this stage I have not responded and need to think it over, to decide if it's even worth saying anything back. I would think that 90% of the readers here would recommend it's not nearly enough to even provide a reply.

[mrshuma]

from what I have read, "miss you" is not a good enough reason to break NC. If she really wants to be with you she will get a hold of you and will be more direct then that. IMO

[DN]

Reply: "Thank you, although I have to wonder why you would tell me"

[FootofGod]

from what I have read, "miss you" is not a good enough reason to break NC. If she really wants to be with you she will get a hold of you and will be more direct then that. IMO

 

Agreed. It's just scary, like a temptation. If she actually proclaims that she misses me and asks to see me in more than a text message, I think I know what I am going to do. I'm going to tell her I could meet her for coffee and if she jumps on it, I'll go see her and just have a happy coffee with her, no relationship talk, no talk of being "friends," no apologies, no tears, no talk of the future - just an enjoyable hour with a beautiful girl in the present, maybe a game of scrabble, leave her happy, and go back to being scarce and waiting to see what she does.

 

If she doesn't jump on it or is in any way unsure, then back to the no contact and moving on. I think that would be my plan for the next (hopeful) step.

[Tired Tiger]

Nothing short of an in person begging of epic proportions and apology for all that was wrong and a sincere commitment to make things right

 

That's not how it works. Ever.

 

If you're interested in the possibility of working things out, wait 2-3 days and reply with what DN suggested.

[DMK]

Yeah it's a tough one. Despite the circumstances, our breakup was relatively civil. She always got back to any contacts I made pretty swiftly and respectfully. We never played the "ignore each other" game. When I decided to go NC I didn't explicitly state it, but it was just a had a natural ending of the contact. At that stage I decided I would no longer initiate any contact at all. I never told her not to contact me explicitly though I never expected it either.

 

So here I sit with the unexpected to try and decide what to do. If I simply don't respond that is a new direction in that it will represent the first time one of us tried to contact the other, ever, to get stonewalled with no response. I need to decide if that is the new direction I want to take or if I want to do as DN said above.

 

Naturally in doing so I need to not have any expectation nor be shocked to get stonewalled right back. No way to know for sure what such a simple text even means, or what state of mind (or relationship) she is in sending it, so in responding, I am putting myself right back out there...From 40 days NC on my end back to 1.

 

Lots to think about for me now, for sure.

[jimbojones100]

I've thought about it a bit more. If you know you want to give it another try, then I'd look at this as her seeing where your head's at. She doesn't want to proclaim her love for you if you've moved on. I think she's waiting for a "I miss you too".

 

How you respond, or if you respond at all, it totally up to you. Go with your gut.

 

If we want to give her the benefit of the doubt, we chalk up her breaking off the wedding to maybe cold feet or something. Maybe she realizes now what she skipped out on.

 

I know a lot of people will tell you to wait, and maybe that's the right move, but I think you need to do what YOU think is best for YOU. No one here knows you, or her.

[DMK]

Thanks. Some really great advice here. I haven't done a thing yet and I'm off to work soon, so I am going to think on it a little more. Obviously I am in her thoughts so it's not like a little extra time will change that. I mean anyway if there's only a few hours window of opportunity or I was just a drunken thought or a blip on the radar after a fight she was having with a guy she is with, I wouldn't want to be in the friend zone anyway.

 

As for an "I miss you" right back I don't know if I want to put my heart out there again like that right now. What DN said is a little less committal and less of a trigger for myself no matter what happens back (especially if it's nothing) and more dignified from my area. "I miss you too" is just an ego feed for her and sometimes ex's are just looking to get an ego boost from you to see if you are still on the line. So DN has a way of respecting her contact but not giving her a huge ego boost and I like that. You can see why he's got so many posts, much respect.

 

I am debating sending his type reply sometime over the weekend, and if I do, and hear anything back, I'll let you all know. If nothing else this will be an interesting look at a push/pull after NC to see if anything can come of it.

 

Honestly, once I hit over 30 days, and no contact had been made, I never really even thought I'd wind up in this position.

[Lay Me Low]

i got a similar email from my ex a while back with just those three words after some NC. i waited a few days and replied and said thanks and asked her how she was and didn't get a response!... sigh.

 

if you really badly want to get back with her maybe she needs some help to prompt her to say what she really wants? not easy to do but then you're not opening yourself up for potential humiliation. she could be feeling pretty vulnerable herself. i am by no means great at this relationship stuff so take this advice with a grain of salt!

 

good luck!

[jenna-is-here]

Well, let me say you sound like you are doing great for going through all that and you are only 6 weeks in.

 

This is a tough one. For me, the more time that passes (I am at 60 days) the more I start to see how some of what he did was not okay. I think I let way more slide with him that anyone else because he was very good looking and charming. Sometimes I would be like, "what am I doing?" It is not okay they get a free pass for being good looking.

 

I really dont like how she treated you. I am glad she misses you - she should, you were probably great to her and she took advantage of that. Distance is giving her perspective. I dont know what I would do. I guess it depends what YOU want out of it. If you really think getting over her is the best thing because you know better (in your head she is no good) then fight the urge to respond AND DONT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT NOT RESPONDING.

 

If you want to give it another chance and truly believe this woman can make you happy they you may crack that door. An I miss you certainly is not enough to get back in.

 

I went through this w my bf (4yrs) we broke up b/c i discoverd from phone records too of an ea possibly more but he never admitted it. He missed me too. We stayed together another 1.5 years, I carried the burden of knowing the crap he did and he eventually broke my heart. UG.

 

Looking back, I wish I let it go when that HUGE RED BLARING FLAG was waving in front of me. But my heart won the war over my mind.

[DMK]

I appreciate the kindness and the replies. What I did was crack the door. I just figured, get it outta the way. She was always a fairly good manipulator so of course she's going to manipulate this one as well. It was over a day since I got the "I miss you", so I texted back exactly what DN's non-committal response was (brilliant by the way, in that it's even less giving than hers but allows me the chance to respond).

 

I wrote:

 

"Thanks, although I have to wonder why you would tell me???"

 

30 minutes later, her reply was:

 

"sorry, i shouldn't have".

 

That's where we stand. Back to NC I guess. Anyone else have any thoughts? Any way to again non-committal reply to "sorry i shouldn't have" and force any type of detail/info?

 

Oh and jenna, welcome to the thread -- I can't say I am sure I could get back in a full time relationship with her but I think I might at least be willing to see her to see where her head is at. We barely spoke at the breakup, and it sorta haunts me that we never even talked about the split. It just sorta happened in the blink of an eye.

 

I honestly have no idea where she is at mentally now given those 2 texts and very few words. If she'd at least been more direct at least I'd have known what was on her mind, but she appears to for whatever reason be trying to get me to pull more instead of doing it herself. I opened the door, and I guess she peeked and now is still standing 20 feet outside of it.

[DN]

Any way to again non-committal reply to "sorry i shouldn't have" and force any type of detail/info?

 

I would not try. She answered with a non-answer. If she wants anything else, then she needs to be proactive and ask for it.

[DMK]

DN,

 

Thanks so much for taking the time to share your wisdom!

[DMK]

Well, I wish I could have been good at this, like I thought I could be -- But of course I drank too much today at a party and did the wrong thing regardless since she got into my head with this contact she made. I really don't get why they reach out and then stick back at ya, I really don't.

 

So following the exchange above, all I wrote back and asked was if she was doing ok, and her response was that she was in Florida and doing well (I didn't ask but I assume that is a vacation with OM, as we live in the northeast US). She asked if I was doing well also and I said yes, and stupidly added "we should catch up sometime" (triggering on the "i miss you" thing of course like a moron taking the bait, thinking maybe she wanted a meet up)....

 

3 texts responded...And I quote...

 

1 - haha i dunno if that's a good idea or not, don't think I'm ready 4 that

2 - I really do miss u and hope you're doing good!

3 - love u always, be careful out there!

 

So there you have it, folks. I don't share this out of pride or joy but only as a lesson and sort of a real world example of why you need NC -- They may love us, miss us even, but that in NO WAY means they want to see us or be with us. They're just playing games with us.

 

Obviously this is a prime example of her still being 100% with the other guy, vacationing with him no less, and keeping me on the line for ego strokes as needed (or as a second choice if this one goes south). It's so blatant.

 

Anyway despite all my research and reading about why staying in 100% NC is the way to go I blew it and I had to hear all that today. Not fun and a setback. I can easily go back into NC and this will not be a major setback for me but honestly I should have stayed there after "I miss you" and that should have been that.

 

Learn, as I am learning, and don't do what I did. Sigh!

[Live-N-Learn]

Don't be too hard on yourself DMK. I am around week 7 of NC. On week 3 my ex sent me a text saying I f...ing miss you! I did not respond. BTW she cheated on me as well. 5 hours later I got an email from her best friend explaining that what she meant was that she missed hanging out and partying with me and dancing...that's all she meant.

 

Nice for her friend to send me such a nice email right! Well you know the ex put her up to it. Anyway, I am so glad I did not bite.

 

You are doing great and I know how hard it is when they do this. It set me back about 4 days. I am much better now and you will be fine. Keep posting we are in this together.

[DMK]

Thanks Scott.

 

I think it must all be a connection thing. It's clear to me now. I made the mistake of thinking that her reaching out might have been an attempt to reconcile or at least get together to talk or something, but when you look historically at posts here, MOST of the time, these things are done to keep you on the line as a backup plan or to give them an ego boost when they are down.

 

I don't want to be anyone's backup plan or kept on the line like that, so I will remember that if she tries this again. Scott you were good to not respond at all. I wish I would have done the same, but I learned my lesson. It's set me back a bit, mostly the "I'm in Florida this weekend" thing because I didn't ask her and she felt the need to offer that up anyway, sort of a way to brag about all the great stuff she is doing without me. Which I didn't want to know (that's the reason for NC).

 

I will be okay, but it's a setback. But now I totally understand why people say, you wish for them to contact you, but when they do and you break your NC rule back it's almost always the wrong decision.

[Live-N-Learn]

DMK,

 

It's all good my friend. Look I made a ton of mistakes after the breakup. We went back and forth pseudo dating for the 3 months until I just could not take it anymore and went NC. I will admit my ex was giving me enough attention to keep me around but I was def. a backup plan.

 

Once I got to a point where I accepted she was not coming back all the way, and that I had enough of being toyed with at her convenience. I finally stood up for myself and cut her off.

 

It is really hard not to respond we just have to trust that if they really wanted to come back they would make it abundantly clear. Since that has not happened they clearly do not want to come back.

 

Anything short of I made a huge mistake and want you back will never get a response. Even then I will have to think about it. Trust is everything. Your ex is showing you how selfish and insensitive she is to your feelings by telling you about Florida. Just remember that if she ever does try to come back.

[DMK]

Thanks, Scott. I feel like I let myself down a little bit on this one. I knew better and I let my inner feelings get the best of me. I wasn't strong enough. I have no idea why I keep giving back to her and letting her take the upper hand...Each time I get contact I have for some reason assumed it meant she wasn't with the other guy (or any other guy) anymore and I have to remember that is not her M.O. Her MO is to get affection from where she can, whenever she can, to compensate for things. I will not be HER "OM".

 

I have to look at these small attempts to contact (her pulling, me pulling, then her pushing away right back) as just her way to keep me on the line and nothing more. I can't look at it as genuine care or concern for me, as much as it may look like that on the surface. It's more like a "Do you still care about me at all?" type attempt from her, which is really a bit cruel especially if she is with the other guy. I doubt he knows that she's sending these texts either. Poor dude.

 

Scott I think you have it right, it's being toyed with and no more. I hope this time if she attempts anything back I can be strong. This last one took her 45+ days, then again maybe that will be the last time.

 

I agree they need to be VERY clear and direct for anything more, I can't believe that I let so little affect me so much.

[DMK]

Oh, and a little more about the contact, I realized something that I didn't realize until just recently. All these texts were sent via the AOL application on my phone...I have been updating my status on there recently as I have many friends on it. I guess there is a way I could have blocked her from seeing that, but I didn't do it? I didn't know you could. In my status updates I have been putting "Out with xxxx" when I am hanging out with girls (not dates, just other girls and friends I know) and other info so people know where I am. I imagine she must have been checking my status and knowing what I was up to hence the Florida thing was probably her way of forced retaliation. Then again, I never forced her to check my status. I certainly have not once looked at hers because the LAST thing I want to know is where she is, who with, and what she's doing. In my opinion that's a worse trigger than direct contact!

[Live-N-Learn]

Yeah knowing anything that is going on in their lives is very painful. Stay away from all of it. I learned this lessson the hard way. Just last week I finally deleted all our pictures together on FB. It was a big step in the letting go process for me. It was the last strand of hope I held onto.

[DMK]

Good for you Scott, I have been able to avoid pics of her and I together or just pics of her totally, I saved them on my computer obviously, good memories, but I never go back to them. That helped.

 

But knowing ANYTHING she is doing still hurts, even 2 months later. Mostly because most of the time it has to be with the guy she left me for, she was never really good at doing things on her own. She needed a guy to entertain her and take her places, etc. When I started failing at being good enough entertainment for her (she has no hobbies) that was incentive enough to get the thrill of the new guy.

 

But it still hurts to get information that she is doing something great or fun (with this guy, but she is careful to never tell me that). It's just sort of a slap to me that she's having all this fun now that she's gotten rid of me.

[DMK]

Hey, random question here but I figured I would ask here first and start a new thread if I had to since some of you are familiar with this.

 

I realized since these messages came in through AOL instant messenger that my ex has likely been reading my status updates on there (when I go away, or do stuff, I usually update this status so people on my list can see where I am). I blocked her on the computer but not my phone (that's how they got thru) but what I'm wondering now is, was she and is she still able to read my status updates? Because if so, that kinda blows. And is there any way to not allow that to happen? I would assume if someone at one point got approved from you, and never deleted you (I deleted her right away, but she not me I guess), they can see my statuses without issue?

 

Anyone know how it works? And what about new users, if she created a new user and wanted to snoop could she do that or would I have to approve first?

 

I sure hope there's a way to protect it.