Cheater feels uneasy when questioned

[surfdog]

A long story that I’ll keep as short as possible. My girlfriend of 1.5 years cheated on me a few months ago and really damaged my trust. Now I question her sometimes about where she is or when he’s coming home and things of that nature. The problem is that she thinks that I’m wrong to question her…and she feels uncomfortable I can’t believe she feels this way after what he did. Any advice? (I know I should break up with her but it’s hard to cut the cord).

[Momake]

1. You're not wrong to question her. It's up to her to rebuild your trust. If she doesn't want to... cut her loose.

 

2. Cut her loose. You know what you to do. I'm sorry.

[Sanesoul]

I agree with Momake. Cheating is hard to come back from. She has to put in more effort than you do. She has to be an open book.

 

If she's not willing to, then there's no hope.

[lostandhurt]

Have you been to link removed?

 

There are places on there for both you and her. Time will never fix this. Open and honest communication is the first step.

She doesn't want to be reminded of what she got caught doing so she gets defensive. I don't know what you two have been doing to repair this damage but it sounds like whatever it is, it isn't working.

 

If you are staying with her because you don't want to be alone then that should be a good reason to tell her goodbye. If on the other hand you loved her with all your soul then it might be worth trying a little longer if she puts in the effort. If not, tell her it is over and go NC right away.

 

Lost

[Apollo10]

Really sorry to hear that..

 

Unfortunately, cheaters are people that care more about themselves. No matter how much they say that they will change...it usually isnt the case..

 

Dump her and find someone else that will respect you...

[IGlareOften]

Yes, if she acts insulted or hurt that you question her, she's oblivious. She doesn't view what she did as wrong. Otherwise she would oblige you. It's only been a few months. You're still healing from the broken trust.

 

My advice? It's time to let go. You deserve better, for sure.

[robot20]

My opinion you have every right to question her where abouts.

 

But my question is, is it all worth it? Do you think constantly worrying about where or who she is with worth all this pain?

[Rabican]

I would tell her exactly this:

 

I want to trust you, but I trusted you before, and you broke my heart. And now when I ask you a simple question like where were you, or when did you get home etc. you make a big deal of it. You are the one who cheated, and should be doing everything to rebuild the trust I had in you. You destroyed that trust once, and now instead of helping rebuild that trust, you are helping to keep breaking it.

 

See how she reacts to that. You are not out of line to be concerned here. Its her job to rebuild the trust.

 

Now that said, if you are asking just to ask... then thats fine. But if you still dont trust her, or feel that she really isnt trustworthy... then just cut the cord.

[iBroken]

She is still in the fog of the affair

 

Check link removed - u will find alot of your feelings and thoughts are common in this situation....you will definitely get a better understanding of things

[mikem]

That's the way it goes. If she wants to keep this relationship alive she will need accept that you will want to know where she has been. That won't change until she shows she's trustworthy or worthy of your trust.

[Iceman26]

I went back and reread some of your older posts concerning your girlfriend, and it doesn't sound like there is a whole lot of trust there to begin with.

 

Cut the cord.

[arcadefire]

You've got to cut the cord. It's easier said than done, but in the long run (and short run) it will be the healthiest solution for your anxiety. I have been in your shoes before, being cheated on, and my advice is to find someone who you don't even need to question where they are because you trust them and they never broke your trust in the first place. A relationship where you have to ask and snoop and whatever is not a relationship at all. Be true to yourself.

[Citlali]

Let her go. If she gets defensive about it, then it means she doesn't realize the damage she has done or what it means to have to regain someone's trust. I've been there myself. My ex, however, had bigger balls--he would say, "You will either give me your trust or this won't work." He'd also get defensive and never worked to fix what he broke. Can you believe that? That's exactly what your girlfriend is doing. She thinks that because you know what she did and she said "sorry" it fixes everything and you're supposed to just get over it and trust her again. Doesn't work that way. I could never trust my ex again. He never worked for it anyway. Sounds like you might be on the same boat, so I recommend you get out now and start over with someone who isn't this immature.

[RobD70]

You are obviously reluctant to kick her to the curb or else you would have done it already. You have to dump her or else she will not respect you and that’s why she is acting this way. She doesn’t respect you.

 

When you get the backbone to drop her like a hot potato she will see you in a new light. It seems nothing turns someone on more than getting dumped. She has to know you will not put up with any shenanigans. Someone that is remorseful for cheating would do anything in their power to make you feel secure that they won’t do it again and the fact she is reluctant shows she just doesn’t care. She deserves to be kick to the curb until she either begs for forgiveness or you decide you’ve had enough and through with her.

 

You have to dump her and make her earn your trust back. Right now she is just walking on you and you look pathetic in her eyes. You have to man up and show her you won't be disrespected.

 

If you wait and try to work things out with her, she will either cheat again or dump you. You need to get the jump on her or else you will look like a chump for letting her cheat on you then her dumping you because you didn’t have the balls to do it yourself.

 

Don't think of the breakup being forever. It might be what she needs to open her eyes and see the damage she has done and try to make amends. That's the only way it can really work out.