Putting On Weight to Avoid Sex

[REMsoul]

My wife and I have been married nearly fifty years. We love each other very much BUT (by conventional definitions, i.e., intercourse on average less than 10/yr) it has been a sexless marriage. She has gained more than 100 pounts since our marriage. Some years ago she admitted she did so so I would not be sexually attracted to her. About that time I began seeing a therapist, but for nearly two years she refused to see one. When she finally did, it came out that she may have been sexually abused when a child, but she has not specific memory of it. For the past seven years, despite my strong libido, I have seldom pressed her for sex and we have not had intercourse these past seven years; I am resigned to solo masturbation for my sex life. And she tells people (who are unaware of our problems) that she's the happiest she's ever been. However, from carrying that all weight, the cartiledge in both knees are gone; she must lose weight and, possibly, have knee surgery or replacement, but she can't seem to make the commitment to lose weight. If you or your spouce has put on weight to try and avoid sex for whaatever reason, how did you/he/she overcome the problem?

[hexaemeron]

Wow. I'm so very sorry for what you're going through. And really, even though it's largely her own fault/responsibility, the fact that your wife willfully destroyed her own body just to avoid sex. I can't even comprehend this.

 

The only way I can really think of to make a committment to living healthy (not losing weight, but yes, that's the intended idea) is to truly look at it as believing yourself worth investing back into yourself. It sounds like she's never ever had a positive self-image or any sense of self-esteem. Before she can commit to being healthy, she has to commit to admitting that she's worth the effort. You can support and assist her with that, but it has to come from her.

 

Again, I hope this helps and I'm so, so very sorry.

[rosephase]

I know this sounds outside of the box, but have you talked to her about getting your sexual needs met outside of the relationship? Not just for you (although I think having sex in your life is enough of a reason) but also taking the pressure of of her. If you are having regular sex with someone else she might feel safer losing the weight for health reasons. If she is still using fat as a way to put a sexual wall between the two of you maybe knowing that you won't pressure her in anyway (and you are happy about the situation) will help her feel safe enough to take care of her body.

[fLuiD]

This boils down to an extreme behavior (putting on weight PURPOSELY) to resolve a somewhat simple issue (stopping sex). There is something wrong with the way your wife rationalizes her behaviors. Can you think of other examples of when she has done something similar? This could all stem from an inability to communicate but after being married for so long, I would imagine that her communicating with you wouldn't be a problem. Do you know exactly WHY she doesn't want you to be sexually attracted? Does she not enjoy sex? You sound to be very supportive and I really have to applaud you for not building up a ton of resent and hanging in there, but you need your say in this as well.

[Sanesoul]

This boils down to an extreme behavior (putting on weight PURPOSELY) to resolve a somewhat simple issue (stopping sex). There is something wrong with the way your wife rationalizes her behaviors. Can you think of other examples of when she has done something similar? This could all stem from an inability to communicate but after being married for so long, I would imagine that her communicating with you wouldn't be a problem. Do you know exactly WHY she doesn't want you to be sexually attracted? Does she not enjoy sex? You sound to be very supportive and I really have to applaud you for not building up a ton of resent and hanging in there, but you need your say in this as well.

 

There could be any number of reasons. The sexual abuse in her past is telling. I equate shame to sex for the same reason.

 

Ultimately, OP, this is a defense mechanism for her. The only one who can fix it is her. She needs some intense therapy, but I am gathering that after so many years she won't be open to that suggestion.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this.

[GPrime]

You've been married almost 50 years?! FIVE-ZERO?! Simply wow, and congrats.

 

Her behavior is extreme, for sure. While I might share your strong libido, my concern would be much more on her health than considering sex. 100 extra pounds at her age would certainly put her at higher risk for cardiovascular and pulmonary disease.. heart-attacks and strokes certainly at the forefront.

 

Be supportive and understanding (the possible childhood abuse would be a valid explanation for the cause). Communicate with her your needs, and make a pledge to work with her to find an equitable solution that you are both happy with.

[Tatertot]

REMsoul, I too am so sorry to hear this. Fifty years is definitely something to be proud of... my grandparents made it to 62 years (before my grandfather passed away earlier this year) and my parents are getting up to 41 years this year... but they are definitely not the norm... even I bucked the trend and I am already divorced.

 

I have to say though that it sounds like your wife and I have something in common. My ex-husband and I did not have sex before marriage (I'm not sure if you did or not) but in my opinion that was the biggest mistake I made because once we were married and we had sex I realized that I TOTALLY was not attracted to him in that way. He was an absolutely great person and he loved me 100%, but I could not return that love to him. It got to a point with me that I also would only allow sex maybe once every 3 or 4 months... and on those occaisions I found I would have to drink in order to force myself to have sex with him. I realized this was not the healthiest thing for our relationship and this, among a few other reasons is why I finally decided it would be best for us to go our separate ways.

 

Of course divorce is much more socially acceptable now than it was 40 to 45 years ago, or whenever your wife decided to make herself sexually unavailable to you. I really commend you for your commitment to her during all that time. I would still say that divorce is nor really an option for you at this time, BUT can you reassure her that you are only concerned for her health and that you will not pressure her in any way at all to have sex while she is losing weight? She may just discover that as the pounds drop off she suddenly starts to rediscover her libido and she might feel sexier than she has in YEARS! You might be surprised one day to find her coming on to YOU!

 

If she also is not sure how to go about losing the weight, I am a HUGE supporter of WW online... no meetings to go to and you track everything online when it's convenient for you. I was a non-believer but I was desperate so I gave it a shot... and was so incredibly surprised when it WORKED! (There is also TONS of online support on the WW forums and incidentally they do have a "100+ lbs to lose" forum) I lost about 40 lbs a couple of years ago and have only gained back about 5 - 7 and I am really happy about it.

 

Whatever happens I wish you all the luck in the world that everything works out for both her sake and yours.

 

Keep us posted!

[Juxtapoz]

it definitely sounds like she might have been sexually traumatized at a younger age. often women put on a lot of weight to protect themselves from sexual encounters.

 

do you guys have any kids?

[REMsoul]

do you guys have any kids?

 

No. No children.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

I don't know what to say really. i wonder why your wife is trying to push you away like this. Does she have a history of abuse (though that might have been a long time ago).

 

She's received some really big medical news (lose weight or get a new knee) and you would think that this would be a wakeup call. I recently found out i have high cholesterol (at 29!!) and that is making me recommit to losing weight. albeit, I have 25 to lose, not 100. I'm a huge fan of weight watchers. has your wife tried them before?

 

i think you have a genuine medical concern here, it's' not about sex anymore at all. i would talk to her gently and try to see where she is at. bottom line is that losing weight and getting healthy will improve the quality of your life and marriage.

[cynthiastout]

I've heard of female sexual dysfunctions, and frigidity and low libido, but this seems a lot more serious, since she is willing to put her own health at risk to avoid sex. Does she have sexual desire, but has to stop herself from having sex, even if she wants to? or does she just not respond sexually at all?

 

This is not only bad for her health, but yours too. Sexual frustration can lead to depression, people overlook how important sex is to human health and behavoir.

 

If your wife refuses to do anything about this, you should perhaps tell her that it's bad for her health, and yours. You shouldnt have to condemn yourself to a depressing life because of your wife's issues

[REMsoul]

This is not only bad for her health, but yours too. Sexual frustration can lead to depression, people overlook how important sex is to human health and behavoir.

 

 

Yes, I know too well. Near the end of the period of our therapy I had to have a quad bypass. Possibly, some of the CV disease was a function of the stress I had been experiencing (at home and at work). Fortunately, that was 16 years ago. I've been retired more than ten years and there is much less stess, now; I am still here! Meanwhile my wife's weight-related health has continued to deteriorate. Several years ago we started a weight loss program together and she lost 40# (I lost 20), but she regained it all back plus some (I regained only 5), primarily, I believe, because she could not continue without her self-medicating dependence on alcohol. I am working on finding therapeutic help, but there is always the issue of 'control'. She's a sweet woman and, in some respects, emotionally tougher than I am. I believe that if she can acknowledge the problem and accept the right kind of help she will be so much healthier and happier.