Guy I am Dating is bestfriends with his EX is this normal???

[OptimisticGal]

So I have just started dating someone new..it has been only a few weeks and about a week ago the conversations of past relationships came up and he told me that he dated this girl for 3 years (he was friends with her 2 years before dating her) and after they broke up 3 years ago they really worked hard at staying friends. They are bestfriends now..he sees her at least 2 or 3 times a week or maybe even more...they go to coffee shops and study, go to concerts together and hang out all the times...

I really like this guys, he is very kind, gentle, caring and honest..I appreciate the fact that he was honest with me and told me about her but I can't help feeling weird about this...is this normal??? and if not can someone really only be friends with an EX and see them all the time without wondering what if???

He seems really into me but I can't help feeling that once the honeymoon phase is over wether or not we are going to have a problem over this...

I will never ask him to stop seeing her b/c based on our conversations I know that she is a big part of his life but at the sametime I am not sure if I can get used to the idea...I have never remained friends with an EX and that's probably b/c the breakups have never been mutual but the new guy says that his breakup with his ex was mutual and they didn't want the same things and they have since dated a lot but haven't found the right person they talk to eachother about they people they are dating but if he hasn't had a significant relationship since he broke up with her does that mean anything???????

 

I am just really confused I don't want to get hurt by liking him alot and then realizing I can't handle this whole ex/bestfriend issue...I talked to him about finding this weird and he said that I was right to feel that way and to give it a chance and he believes once I hang out with his ex he will see that there isn't anything going on by true friendship but I am not sure if he is right?????????????

 

any opinion will be greatly appreciated

 

thanks

[DN]

Since they were friends for two years before dating, it makes sense they would try to regain that friendship after breaking up.

 

And he was very honest about it. I would relax and see how things proceed.Perhaps the frequency that they see each other will lesen now he is with you.

 

It might be worth trying to be her friend as well at some later point.

[hockeyboy]

It's his choice to remain friends with her, and it's your choice if that's something you want to get involved with.

 

Personally, I'd pass. Just has problems written all over it. If not now, then at some point.

 

If you think you'd be okay with it, then go for it. If it's something you know will only eat at you more as you get closer to this guy, perhaps it's best you cut it off now...or just be friends.

[BriarRose]

I could not date someone who was seeing their ex 2-3 times a week. But only you can decide if that is something you wish to pursue.

[DN]

Sidenote: perhaps the above responses demonstrate one reason not be friends with an ex!!!

 

It is understandable to be concerned.

[OptimisticGal]

DN thanks for your response I want to try to be an adult here and give it a try but he has been really kind and giving and attentive and those are things I haven't really had in the pass and it makes me really like him...but I also have never dealt with the idea of being bestfriends with an ex....i've asked my friends and they all say that it is weird, but the ones that have met him say that he is worth a try and that I shouldn't let it bother me....his honesty has been the key so far I know for a fact that if I found out some other way it would be goodbyes b/c I have had too many people in my past doing shady business behind my back....but at the same time I don't want to fool myself by telling myself that his good qualities out does this one thing (that I am not sure if it is bad or good)

just really confused I feel that I should just keep my eyes open and as soon as I get to an uncomfortable position that I can't deal to get out and move on I am just afraid that i would get hurt at that point

[DN]

he has been really kind and giving and attentive

Perhaps those qualities are why he is able to be friends with his ex.

 

Do you know why they broke up?

[OptimisticGal]

DN so I did ask him and he basically said "life goals" at the time she wanted kids and he didn't (in my opinion they were both way too young for kids). But he has also mentioned that they broke up after 1 1/2 year b/c of the direction they were headed in their lives..he wanted to open a business and spend a lot of his time with that but they got back together which he said they both admit now that, that was a mistake and stayed together for another 1 1/2 year (total 3).

He has a lot of friends who are girls which makes me less weirded out about the friendship with the ex...but having friends who are girls to me is different then being friends with an ex/girlfriend?????????

 

what do u think?

[DN]

I think you should give him a chance. Like I said, they were friends before and it is possible to revert to just friendship.

[rosephase]

My boyfriend (of coming up on 5 years) plays racket ball with his ex wife twice a week. And just yesterday we went out for a drink with his ex girlfriend. They are his friends. I like them to. As it turns out he likes cool people. Give her a chance. Hang out with them together and then maybe try hanging out with just her. See how you feel then.

 

Honestly I always take it as a good sign if someone can still be friends with there ex. To me it shows that when they really love someone that that person stays important to them. And that even after a break up they are willing to work on a relationship. And yes that sounds like a lot of time to be spending with a friend and that can be intimidating but before you get worked up about it, just try to get to know her. See how it all feels. You might end up really liking her.

[Dixi]

I also think you should give him a chance. It is very possible to revert to just friendship, I am friends with most of my exes and friends are all they are.

[hockeyboy]

I really don't think anyone can say "give him a chance" or "don't give him a chance."

 

It's really up to you and simply whether or not you will feel comfortable with it going forward. Some people would, some won't. Neither is "right" or "wrong" but only you can decide what you're comfortable with.

[Sanesoul]

Like Hockeyboy said, it's your comfort level.

 

I, personally, wouldn't be ok with this.

[Tecan]

As someone who is friends with the majority of my exes I definitely think you should give him a chance. If he had been secretive about it then that would be one thing but is honesty shows he has nothing to hide.

[SocialStigma]

It is up to you, but I am best friends with one of my exes too and have no romantic feelings for him whatsoever. We have known each other since we were 8, and been best friends since we were 11. So it would have been very hard for us to completely cut each other off because we'd been friends for so long prior to dating and the breakup.