why do men have affairs when they say they love you?

[smellyhedgehog]

To put 20 years into a nutshell - wow. I feel my husband and I really do fit as we have so much in common that I doubt if I could ever find anyone else who'd enjoy doing the same things together as we used to. My husband has a sad background of having to deal with a mom who was an alcohol and being told to keep it a secret and never discuss anything with anyone. She later died after being divorced ( never known if it was suicide or alcohol/pill overdose). Our marriage started off great, but soon became very dramatic and fraught - I was in bed for months trying to have children and suffered 3 miscarriages, and then I became a total mental mess for a few years after the death of my newborn child and soon after, my younger sister in a car accident. These things put an incredible strain on our relationship and whether these things pushed my husband into his next behaviour, I've never known, but he became an aggressive, nasty alcoholic who couldnt keep his hands off other women. I spent most of my time doing everything I could to understand his adiction in the hope that he would get help and we could be a family again. When I discovered that he'd had an affair with my cousin and family friend, I left. His rehab counsellor phoned me to say that if I didnt help him when he came out, he'd end up committing suicide. As i couldnt have that on my conscience, I did help him find a house etc, and after 10 months, after much pressure from him and my kids pleading to let me let Daddy come home, I very reluctantly did. I was still trying to come to terms with all my feeings and he thought that since he was allowed back home, our marriage was going to 'start again' and go back to what it was. Because of my still angry feelings etc, he started drinking after 3 months and the lies and aggression and abuse continued, but not the flirting ( not that I know of, anyway). Our marriage continued throughout to be rocky, me being suspicious and his drinking and aggression continuing. But he did contact his ex-lover twice in the following years- once in copying her in on his email letting all his family and friends know we were leaving the country ( she was in the country to where we were going to ) The second time I found out he'd texted her. That was probably the beginning of the real end for me, and a few months later, after he attacked my daughter, I left for good, and he was absolutely devasted.

For several reasons, I decided to try to make the split amicable. But in the now 2 yrs that we've been seperated, I still believe that he loves me and is has not stopped trying to get back together.

 

So: Why do men have affairs when even the most stupid people know, that if you do = you lose your relationship? My husband obviously loves me as at times he would refuse to leave the house/marriage but then continue to treat me and the kids so badly?

 

Thanks for any replies.

Sad Person

[Sanesoul]

Your husband is a hot mess. It sounds like he has a lot of serious issues that he needs to resolve on his own.

 

He needs major counselling and anger management, and that's just the beginning.

 

I can't say why he cheated, but he is obviously very mentally unstable.

 

Keep him away from you and your family by any means possible.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He loves you to the best of his ability...but his love is not a healthy love...it is neediness and the desire to be wanted despite how wretched he knows he is. He is following in his mother's footsteps. Alcholism and abuse often goes down the generations...learned behaviour. You are best to stay far away from him because he drags you down. He will likely never change for the better.

[TechResQ]

I am so sorry this has happened to you and I hate to be so blunt, but...Your husband has no clue what love really is. Someone who truly loves another person does not lie, cheat or abuse that loved one.

 

You are much better off without him. And yes, I do speak from experience. I've been in your shoes. I am happy now though.

 

As for an answer to your question. I have no idea why some people do that. The only thing I have come up with is they are truly very selfish people.

 

Good luck and God Bless

[Go Habs Go]

If someone has an affair and cheats, then they obviously don't love you. If you truly and unconditionally love someone, you would never do anything to hurt them. Hell, you'd jump in front of a bus for them.

[Hermes]

I agree with CAD on this:

 

his love is not a healthy love...it is neediness and the desire to be wanted despite how wretched he knows he is. He is following in his mother's footsteps. Alcholism and abuse often goes down the generations...learned behaviour. You are best to stay far away from him because he drags you down. He will likely never change for the better.

[smellyhedgehog]

wow. When I read your replies, I laughed at how wonderully blunt and right you all were, which is exactly why I came onto this forum ). Thanks so much everyone for replying. Your replies were a bit of a shock, but I think I knew deep-down what they were going to be, and I needed you to be blunt, as I've been making excuses for him all my life. You are all right and I'm going to re-read your thoughts often, so i can move away and on.

[Lamprey]

To answer the title question: variety. Now, love is the ability to put someone else's happiness before your own, which means putting up with the same ol' sex even those times when you really, really want a change for a few hours.

 

So, by that definition, if they cheated they aren't really in love.

[Heart On]

More to the point,why do women stay with men who abuse and betray them and consider that love?

 

 

My husband obviously loves me as at times he would refuse to leave the house/marriage but then continue to treat me and the kids so badly?

 

 

That doesn't spell love,that spells fear of being alone and he continues to abuse you all because you allow him to stay despite his behavior.He has lost all respect for you,and you have lost respect for yourself and while it may be a "normal reaction" due to long term abuse,it's not healthy or functional to stay in this type of marriage no matter WHAT that STUPID therapist said to guilt trip you into staying!!!!!!!!

 

Ever heard of a Betrayal bond? It is akin to being codependant within an abusive,exploitive,betraying relationship and the flip side to this is dealing with someone with some serious Narcissistic Traits.Alcoholism and Cheating and Abuse are symptoms of a personality disorder that will NEVER change.

 

How many yes's can you answer?

 

link removed

 

 

The "Betrayal Bond" Index

The following are a series of statements which describe traumatic bonding in which a person bonds on the basis of betrayal.

 

RUN don't walk to the store and buy this if you answered more than a few of these! You will need HELP to get out of this marriage with what's left of your sanity.

 

link removed