my man doesnt want children

[helenspinkbunn]

i don't know if anyone has any advice but i hope to finally talk to people in the same or simular situation as me, heres my story:

my boyfriend and i have been together over a year, he has 2 children ages 2 and 4, they live with him and see their mum most weekends. i've always known i want my own children someday and i've never kept that a secret from him he knew that oneday i would want my own. he has said he doesn't want anymore at all ever and has even thought about having the snip. he's a wonderful dad, the best a child could ask for and i feel jeallous and cheated out of having that with him, theres so many reasons i can give for wanting one but his only reason for not wantong one is 'i just don't'. i love him and dont want to loose him but he's even considered walking away so i can go and find someone who does want more children, i dont want anyone else i want him, can we move on from here? any help, advice and words much apriciated thank you

[d24]

at least he recognises he doesn't want to be a father to any more children.

 

unless you can convince him otherwise you have a decision on your hands:

stay with him and accept that you may never have children yourself (though his children will become your children over time, i'd imagine), or leave and hope to realise this dream elsewhere.

 

Tough times, horrible decision, good luck.

[warmpandacola]

My ex was/is the exact same way. He has two daughters 5 and 6. Their mom doesn't let him see them very much. During the time we dated he only got to see them maybe 4 times. Last time we saw them was for Halloween. Then she talked him into signing over his rights and he's got child support arrearage still. He's working hard to get his life together but he's had so much crap happen I guess I can understand why he wouldn't want anymore kids. Idk the background on your guy and the reasons but if he has two kids from a previous relationship that is a lot of responsibility and he may not be willing to take on having another kid in the future. It seems selfish but it's really just what he wants and quite possibly a deal breaker. I don't really have any good advice. I'm currently living with my ex and I feel like you do even though we aren't together. I guess you have to decide for yourself whether you really want a kid and if you have to you may just have to move on but if you want you can choose to stay with the guy if you are willing to give up having kids. Depends on how important it is to you. He can change his mind but it looks like he's pretty much made up and set in his way on that issue especially since he practically told you the same thing my ex did about finding someone else that I can have kids with. I'm sorry I didn't really give you much of anything to go off of but atleast you know you're not the only one on this boat. lol

[sidehop]

It could be fear and other reasons (the past, etc) of him not wanting children.

 

I'm sure you two have sat down to talk about this issue? Or does he keep telling you the "I just don't want one". If you two can talk through this issue further to communicate not only explain the reasons why you're wanting a child but why he would make a wonderful as he is there's always a possibility of him considering having one.

 

But for any reason he doesn't want to have more children and it is important for you to have a child with him or any partner for that matter, there really isn't much you can do. Whether you're a man or a woman, having a child is a big dream for many. But if you're with a partner who has the opposite goal in life when it comes to children, it's possible you won't be completely happy in a long run.

 

It doesn't mean your relationship is over either, sometimes big compromise has to happen, but the issue is how important having a child with him is and how you two can resolve the situation.

[penelope13]

Nobody is right or wrong in this situation. You have the right to want to have your own children, he has a right not to want any more.

 

Unless one of you has a major change of opinion, you both might not be a good match for each other, despite the love you feel.

 

There are no rational reasons for one or the other position, so it will boil down to what is more important to each of you.

[Capricorn3]

It sounds like he's 100% sure about this and I think you'll have a hard time trying to convince him otherwise. He already has two children and he's experiencing just how much responsibility it is raising a child, so I can understand his reluctance to have even more. It IS scarey!

 

You are going to have to make some very serious decisions here, none of which anyone here can make for you. Good luck.

[Batya33]

Nobody is right or wrong in this situation. You have the right to want to have your own children, he has a right not to want any more.

 

Unless one of you has a major change of opinion, you both might not be a good match for each other, despite the love you feel.

 

There are no rational reasons for one or the other position, so it will boil down to what is more important to each of you.

 

I agree with DN and Penelope. One thing I learned this past year or so as a new Mom - I can't imagine being with a partner who wasn't as enthusiastic (meaning over the top) as I am about having a child. And we have an "easy baby" and still, with all the work and responsibility, if it's not something you're totally into, there's a high risk of burnout I would think or the parent who is into it feeling alone/resentful of the other parent. I can relate to why your SO would not want more children given what I am sure he knows about parenting. I wouldn't try too hard to convince him otherwise - it has to come from him in my opinion. I personally would walk away because I wanted a child that badly but it depends on your priorities and whatever they are, they are right for you and not to be judged or criticized.

[happygal]

My bf and I have been together for 4 years, he also knew right from the beginning that I would like more children. And he has said several time that he would love to have children with me as well.

(He has 2 older ones from a previous marriage living far away, and I have 2 younger ones living with me).

The last 6 month he has kind of changed his mind, doesn't want to talk about it, jokes that grand children will be fun, and puppies. He is super busy on his job and in off times we travel alot, and enjoy that very much - I think he likes the freedom and us being able to just take off etc. Unfortunaly we seem not to ba able to have a conversation about it. Which is important! I am not sure how to go about that either.

Would I leave him...NO...I love him and what we have, and I could not imagine children with someone else. But yes, we need to find time to talk and find some agreement on this. I just hope I am not getting to resentful, since he doesn't want to talk, it is a shame in some way

 

Good Luck to you!

[Batya33]

I think the decision is very different when you already have children.

[Shortpants]

My ex was like your BF and was a solid "I don't want any more kids" person. He had two kids from a previous marriage. At the time I thought I could never carry to term or have kids of my own due to surgeries I had in my 20's. It seemed like the perfect match. After 7 years, we started having other issues in our marriage and were headed for seperation. During that time I was informed by doctors that my scar tissue form the surgeries had healed and I would be able to carry to term. I had always wanted kids, but the ex was not even entertaining the possibility. This was the straw that broke the camels back and we filed divorce papers within a month.

 

This can be a huge issue with relationships. The bottom line is if you can live the rest of your life with the potential of never having your own children. Feelings can change over time and he may change his mind, but ont he other hand he may not. You have to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you or not.

[Sanesoul]

This is a pretty major life goal. If having children of your own is something that you have your heart set on, then you need to move on.

 

He seems to be perfectly content with the 2 he has, and that's fine. It's his decision. You can't force someone to want to have more children.

[newwave]

This is why it's a bad idea for women who want kids to date dads. Many are like this.

[Hermes]

What Penelope said:

 

Nobody is right or wrong in this situation. You have the right to want to have your own children, he has a right not to want any more.

 

Unless one of you has a major change of opinion, you both might not be a good match for each other, despite the love you feel.

 

There are no rational reasons for one or the other position, so it will boil down to what is more important to each of you.

 

It is a tough one, Helen, and only you can decide.

 

H