Another argument

[dreamz]

Hi everyone,

 

Me and my girlfriend of 2 years have been having a lot of issues lately. She has been acting very moody whenever something doesn't happen her way (could be a very small thing like not making it to a party) and she always takes out the anger on me and somehow blames me for it all.

 

Also she has developed this habit of ignoring me and then saying "You were sitting quietly, so even I didn't talk to you". Yesterday night after dinner at her place she disappeared inside and came back after 10 minutes. I asked her where she had gone off to, so she irritatedly told me I have a lot of work to do and phone calls to make, so she was doing that. After that she started using her laptop and I sat there for another 5 minutes staring at the ceiling. she didnt even say gimme 5 minutes I will be done. I thought that she was very busy, so I told her I would leave. And then she snapped, saying "you were here just for dinner, you dont want to hang out. I was hoping we would watch some TV, but you just want to leave". I very calmly told her, "You were busy, and I am very tired, so I thought I would leave". So she starts off with "what do you want from me, you get mad about small things". Cant I even leave when I want to or is it my duty to sit there and wait for her every time? ](*,)

 

Similar things have happened in the past, I am a very patient man and have waited for 15-30 minutes when her mom called her up when we were on a date.

 

What is wrong with her, is she taking me for-granted and assuming that I should always do what she wishes to do?? Please help!!

[H20]

She sounds very passive/aggressive. How long has this been going on?

[Citlali]

She is definitely passive aggressive. She is also taking you for granted and being selfish, self-centered, and inconsiderate. I think you need to set your foot down and stop letting things slide. You have to have a serious conversation about what she is doing, why it bothers you, and what she could do to make things better. Relationships are about cooperation and it seems she is just doing what is best for her. This won't solve itself, so start talking.

 

How long ago did this behavior start? What do you think set her off?

[jimbojones100]

This is certainly an issue that needs to be dealt with, otherwise it will continue to snowball to the point where you both hate each other. Sit her down and work it out. If her attitude doesn't change, then we have a problem.

[dreamz]

Well, shes been this way ever since I met her, recently we have been spending a lot of time together and so I am noticing this a lot more now. She never realizes that things cant be perfect and that I cant be blamed for everything. She channels all her angers/tensions/frustrations on me and she makes sure that I suffer whenever shes not happy and I feel like a punching bag at times.

 

Still...I find it very hard to believe that shes passive-aggressive, (few other people have suggested me the same thing on this forum when I have had problems with her in the past) shes very helpful and has helped me in all ways when I was in a tight spot or in a trouble.

 

But, yes, she never accepts her fault and even when she has done something wrong and she knows I am mad at her about it, she will reciprocate by being angry herself and ignoring me as if I did something wrong. Maybe after 4-5 hours or maybe a whole day, she will come and hug me but still try to prove how she was correct. Arnt there more important things in life than who was correct or incorrect??

[Citlali]

You can be helpful at times AND passive aggressive. Those are not mutually exclusive.

 

And if even when she is apologizing, she tries to prove she is correct, then she clearly is only thinking about herself and what she wants. I don't think I could be with someone so selfish for even a day. You definitely need to show her you have a backbone and won't let her treat you like her toy. Every time you accept her "apologies" and don't seriously discuss this, she gets more bold about it and sees you are there for her no matter what, which leads her to disrespect you and take you for granted even more. You need to seriously discuss this with her NOW and if she doesn't change, I'd walk away. She has no respect for you and she is selfish and rude.

[dreamz]

You can be helpful at times AND passive aggressive. Those are not mutually exclusive.

 

And if even when she is apologizing, she tries to prove she is correct, then she clearly is only thinking about herself and what she wants. I don't think I could be with someone so selfish for even a day. You definitely need to show her you have a backbone and won't let her treat you like her toy. Every time you accept her "apologies" and don't seriously discuss this, she gets more bold about it and sees you are there for her no matter what, which leads her to disrespect you and take you for granted even more. You need to seriously discuss this with her NOW and if she doesn't change, I'd walk away. She has no respect for you and she is selfish and rude.

 

I have been doing some reading about this behavior and I think she might be passive-aggressive. I am going to stand-up for myself and express my emotions more clearly to her and tell her I am disappointed with her when she treats me badly. She needs to realize she hurts me by behaving this way. Hopefully that might help my situation.

[alli]

You have been together 2 years & you have accepted her behavior thus far,and therefore making a dramatic change all at once is bound to fail. Either you will give up or it will end the relationship.

 

You need to have a talk with her about learning to fight fairly. Maybe there's some book she can read. You must have an insanely large amount of patience to put up with that for 2 years, but honestly you should have nipped that in the bud immediately.

 

Start by countering her passive-aggressiveness in a calm & logical manner. Pick your battles, start with the bigger fights first. It might even be a good idea to tell her (in the midst of a peaceful, non-fighting period) that you feel that you are always made to feel in the wrong, and statistically that's just impossible that you are wrong ALL the time. Now, everyone always thinks their right. If you didn't think you were right, you would just change your beliefs to something you DID think was right. BUT, tell her you'd appreciate it if, when it is determined that you WERE right and she owes you an apology, that she acknowledges that.

 

It will be tricky to fix this. Hope it works out.

[dreamz]

Update-Well I talked to her today and told her how I felt. I explained to her that she couldnt just be right every single time and sometimes it is her fault. I also told her that there are more important things in life than whos right and whos wrong. She listened rather patiently and said that she will try to be more understanding from now on and will try to be fair in her arguments.

 

The day went past just fine, at night we were hanging out with a couple of our friends. I got up to leave and said good night to everyone, I looked at her specifically and waved bye. She just looked up at me from the book she was reading and didnt even wave or acknowledge. Forget goodbye kisses/hugs, I felt so bad about it. The whole day when she needed me to help her out with stuff and drive her around, she was very nice n cordial. Suddenly at night, when shes tired, the first person who gets treated badly is me.... I am really getting sick of this and slowly I feel like its not worth the effort, I dont give up too easily, but I can see myself giving up on her if she puts in no efforts of her own.

[SpottiOtti]

Hi Dreamz, I've been reading your thread and it sounds to me like she is not really that into the relationship anymore. She seems to be treating you like a convenience and not like a whole human being. I don't know how the rest of your relationship is and if there are really good things here worth saving, but I sort of doubt she will change if this is the way she's been for two years. I'm sorry to say it but someone who cannot respect their partner's feelings is not ready to be in a serious relationship. Best of luck to you with this.

[Citlali]

I think she was just trying to feign understanding to appease you, mainly because she probably still thinks she is right. If she only treats you well when she needs something from you, then she's not into you as a person. She's into you as a convenience. That's not fair for you. You have put up with this for too long. If she really doesn't change, I'd say it's time to move on and find someone who will treat you well and reciprocate your care.

[dreamz]

I think she was just trying to feign understanding to appease you, mainly because she probably still thinks she is right. If she only treats you well when she needs something from you, then she's not into you as a person. She's into you as a convenience. That's not fair for you. You have put up with this for too long. If she really doesn't change, I'd say it's time to move on and find someone who will treat you well and reciprocate your care.

 

Its very confusing right now. She behaves very understanding at times and tries hard to improve herself. At times like that I feel as if things are getting better and it will work out.

 

Then out of the blue, she just shuts herself up from everyone and behaves very distant and moody. She will suddenly start talking in monosyllables and gets very irritable. Then again, she will just come and hug me and sit close to me and act as if nothing has happened and I melt. Its so frustrating and confusing, I dont know whats up with her.](*,)

[Citlali]

Is it possible she may have something like bipolar disorder or ADHD? If she goes in and out of phases, there may be something more to this than just a bratty personality. Honestly, though, it seems like she just isn't mature enough to be in a relationship. She isn't ready to give to get. She only wants to get, if that makes sense. Try talking to her more to figure out if there is more to this. If there isn't, and she doesn't change, I'd consider moving on.