I just don't understand players?!

[Laymisse]

So today i found out that a guy i've been seeing for quite a while (but casually) has been playing another girl for over a month. He said exactly the same things to her that he says to me, and went on a day trip today with her when he only slept with me last night (i was unaware of his games when that happened and found out from my flatmate as soon as i got home). And she was as unaware of me as i was of her.

I just don't understand these people's mentalities? What happened to being with one person, and if you don't like them anymore or you get bored, JUST TELL THEM?! Honestly, it's enough to put you off relationships for life - trust just goes out of the window! End result: two humiliated girls, one very arrogant guy. grrrrrrr!

[Jd1983]

I'm sorry that you're going through this right now.

 

However, if you were not exclusively dating him, then technically he's entitled to see other girls. Unless, you made it a point to say that you will not be dating other people, that's a different case scenario.

 

If he is however, making it seem as though "you're the only one", then I agree that he's an @ss and good riddance.

 

Don't let one guy change your whole perspective about men in general. Not all guys are this way.

 

Hang in there.

[Maverick44]

I agree with JD up to the point of making you seem like you're the only one.

 

While I think it's admirable for a guy to be a one-woman man in an early stage, does he really have to show it? Why? Because the girl will be upset to know she is not the only one?

 

How about if he dates her and others but chooses to be with her specfically because he likes her over others. Does he really HAVE to give out that information? Why? I don't think he's being unethical.

 

Honestly, I don't think either party should ask if they are dating them exclusively. I also think that since neither party should ask, that it's fine to not give out or even 'lie' about that. No one REALLY wants that truth. It's one of those things where they say they want but they don't.

 

It should be of a conversation that when one party is 'ready' to be exclusive that it is brought up. The other person should have the choice of saying they want to or not.

 

Just what I think.

 

Maverick

[minou]

Unless he lied to you, I don't see the problem. The relationship was young and casual. Some people like to see more than one person at a time unless they are in love. So what? If you feel this strongly though, I guess you should let them know from the beginning.

[Citlali]

I agree that a person must make it clear from the beginning whether he/she intends to be exclusive or not just to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings. If neither person says anything, though, it isn't ok to assume there is exclusivity. It is each person's responsibility to inquire about the kind of relationship involved if that matters. HOWEVER, if one person says or does things that reasonably make the other believe the relationship is exclusive, then that is misleading and dishonest and the person who does that is at fault. I am not too clear in this case which situation it was.

[Keyman]

So today i found out that a guy i've been seeing for quite a while (but casually)

 

You define your relationship here as being casual. Casual in relationships meaning non committed and often relating to a FWB style relationship

 

 

I just don't understand these people's mentalities? What happened to being with one person, and if you don't like them anymore or you get bored, JUST TELL THEM?! Honestly, it's enough to put you off relationships for life

 

And yet here you are suggesting that you were in something of a committed relationship and he has, in a sense, been cheating on you with someone else.

 

To me, until someone has decided to be in a committed and exclusive relationship, why can't he date and/or sleep with someone else?

 

If he has said that you are exclusive, then sure, bring all hell down on him, but according to you, you have been seeing each other casually.

[Citlali]

Ah, I missed the casual part. Yes, well, if even you think it was casual, I don't know why you are surprised he is dating others. If you wanted something exclusive, you should have said so. Otherwise, there was no reason to assume he was only dating you if it was casual.

[Go Habs Go]

Unless you guys are exclusive, he's free to date others. Unless he specifically said you're the only one he's dating, he's not doing anything wrong.

[lavenderdove]

The thing about being in a serious relationship is that it involves a whole lot more than just going out and having fun, going to dinnner etc.

 

Some people are just not ready to settle down yet, so they see dating more as having a fun social life, but they haven't really bonded deeply with the people they are dating.

 

So they have different goals that yours. If his goal is to have fun and variety, then in his mind if he's just casually dating, there is nothing wrong with it. But if you are falling in love and really bonding with him, then you are wanting different things.

 

Personally, i don't like dating more than one person at once. I don't like juggling people, but some people find it exciting and fun. So he's either not really serious about getting serious with anyone right now (and is keeping it light on purpose with everyone), or he hasn't bonded seriously with either of you.

 

But if you've been casually dating for a long time, and you want more, then it may be time to tell him he needs to become exclusive with you, or you need to recognize he doesn't want a serious relationship.

[Kaiser_Soze]

This is what happens when people assume. I always felt compelled to make it clear in a nice way that I am not looking for a monogamous relationship at the same time I won't avoid it if it develops. Even that clarity and honest approach has lead to certain expectations over time. The bottom line is you have to feel comfortable enough to talk about it or accept the responsibility for the outcome brought on by avoiding the conversation.

[Rabican]

Its the same mentality of one slice of pizza for lunch is good, two is better.

 

Its good to have a $20 bill in your wallet... its better to have $40

 

Greed. Selfishness. Hes a jerk... etc. Dont overthink it. its a pretty simple situation. Next time you get involved with someone make it very clear that you expect him not to date anyone else. Sometimes these things happen just because you have different expectations. He may be thinking that casual is ok to sleep around. You may think that casual is casual, but it doesnt excuse the sleeping around. Clarify things up front.

[hexaemeron]

Its the same mentality of one slice of pizza for lunch is good, two is better.

 

Its good to have a $20 bill in your wallet... its better to have $40

 

Greed. Selfishness. Hes a jerk... etc. Dont overthink it. its a pretty simple situation. Next time you get involved with someone make it very clear that you expect him not to date anyone else. Sometimes these things happen just because you have different expectations. He may be thinking that casual is ok to sleep around. You may think that casual is casual, but it doesnt excuse the sleeping around. Clarify things up front.

 

That's awfully judgmental. The OP's casual boyfriend is entitled to live his life as he chooses. If the OP doesn't want to participate in that, it's absolutely her choice, but he's hardly a monster. Let's try to keep personal morality out of this, could we?

[arcadefire]

I think it is wrong of him to sleep with you and then go on a day trip with another girl. I am totally for casual dating, but when he wants to start sleeping with someone, he should've been upfront about what she is getting into, because it's potential for spreading diseases and such.

[hexaemeron]

I think it is wrong of him to sleep with you and then go on a day trip with another girl. I am totally for casual dating, but when he wants to start sleeping with someone, he should've been upfront about what she is getting into, because it's potential for spreading diseases and such.

 

...but she's already opening herself to that if she's choosing to sleep with him herself if they're casually dating...

[Kaiser_Soze]

Wait a minute. I would like to understand why so many people are making this guy into a jerk. If I am understanding the situation correctly, there was never a conversation about being exclusive. It also seemed that the OP did have reason to believe the relationship was casual. If you are not mature enough and comfortable enough with someone that you feel you cannot discuss the relationship, expectations and direction with them why would you sleep with them? If you are ok with sleeping with them before you get to that level, who says they suddenly magically enter a monogamous bond with you after sex? That mentality doesn't sit well with me.

 

I will be the first to say, if you have had the discussion and agreed to date each other exclusively then he's an ass. I don't think that was ever the case.

 

The entitlement and sense of "natural progression" of a relationship has made people lazy and make assumptions rather than be an adult and discuss it. How would you feel if 6 months from now (assuming you are still dating) he showed up on your front porch with a moving truck. Who cares that you never talked about him moving in. Doesn't he have the right to assume you are both ready for that? My point is no matter how good the relationship seems to be, it will never be so good that you will not need communication. Thats what this whole thing is about. A lack of properly communicating your needs and expectations. Sorry sweetheart but you own this one.