In bad pain

[brighton]

I need help and advice. I know what I have done is wrong - I am really aware of it but I am desperate to get through this situation and need your help and not your judgement at this moment.

 

I am a successful, confident career woman who has been married for 5 years. I have 2 very young children that I had in quick succession. My life with my husband was good. Stable but good. It was a high stress situation because we had a lot of stuff going on. I went back to work after having my 2 kids very quickly and even though I didn't want to be at work it was OK.

 

Then about 8 months ago I started to have an affair with a guy at working. In fact the situation was just awful - he worked for me and had a girlfriend working in the same office. I fell really hard. I have never even looked at another guy in that way in the 10 years I have been with my husband (married 5) but something happened and I fell deep.

 

I knew pretty quickly that I wanted to be with this guy and he acted like he felt the same. He was very full on and I KNEW that he was almost obsessed with me. We were for each other. But he is a commitment phobe and was much more happy with the status quo of the situation than I was. Of course I got deeper and deeper involved and was really unhappy with what I was doing to my husband but also that he was with his girlfriend still. He was very clear with me that he wanted to try and make his relationship work. But the point is - he made it clear that he knew there was something missing in his relationship with his girlfriend.

 

I was distressed about the whole situation and tried to cut him out of my life many times - we didn't see each other a lot as he worked for me based on a different continent, but of course we spoke every day. It was like a bomb had gone off.

 

I really thought he felt deeply for me. He couldn't stop contacting me and acted obsessed, but he always stopped short when I started talking about a future together. He said he had no problem whatsoever with taking on my children and even asked if I would have more children with him a few times. He also said he loved me 3 or 4 times. And I am sure he did.

 

The a dreadful thing happened. I was so distressed and couldn't talk about it to anyone. And then one night I spilt it all out to someone else I worked with. And she told someone else. Who told my boss and his girlfriend and of course the word got out. We managed to contain it all and I was moving jobs anyway and moving country so my boss was fine about it. I thought, phew, now at least it is all out in the open....

 

He was really angry at me for telling someone, although it was almost out of a desperation on my part - I couldn't cope with it all. He was also playing me a bit - very hot and then pulling back. He is looking for a promotion at work and knew that this didn't look good for him.

 

He went away with his girlfriend and I was DEVASTATED when they got back together. She forgave him. That was February and I was totally shell shocked, plus trying to deal with it at work. And of course, then we were still having to talk every day as I was his boss.

 

We limped through the next 2 months of him working for me. We were utterly professional. He knew I was devastated. He made a big effort to say that he had made his choice and he had chosen his girlfriend. I know (cos he has told me) that a big part of that was because he needed something secure to hold on to. His girlfriend and I are very different. I am a passionate impulsive person (which he liked) and she is very balanced and calm (which he also likes...).

 

So this carried on for a few weeks and then we simply fell back into our affair again. I liked him so much I couldn't resist. But I knew I felt so bad in the situation - I hated the deceit and lies. PLUS I wanted a future with this guy. He made all the right noises again. He had fogiven me for telling the girl at work and we started to make a bit of progress again.

 

But then I saw him 3 weeks ago - I have moved jobs now - but he begged me to see him again. So I did. And we ended up exactly in the same place...me saying I wanted more and him saying he couldn't give it to me. So I made it clear I was very unhappy in this middle ground - have lost loads of weight etc and finished it.

 

It broke my heart.

 

I have tried no contact. I have been desperate and sent him multiple texts. He has always responsed and is trying to help me through it. He is with his girlfriend at the moment (they live on different continents at the moment...) and he said it is going fine and he knows there is something missing but he is fed up with pursuing "perfect happiness" that he knows doesn't exist.

 

I don't understand how he could be giving her ANOTHER chance and he never gave us any....

 

It is totally ruining my life. I am managing to get through for the kids. My husband knows something happened but doesn't know how deep it went for me. And we are like friends at the moment.

 

Please advice.

[uncomfynumb]

Honestly? You broke your vows and had an affair. You are a high risk if a man is looking for someone to be committed to and love. But you are fun for a passionate affair.

 

I doubt that your "lover" ever really loved you; would guess the feelings he had were more along the lines of infactuation and lust.

 

You need to go and get counselling and do some serious soul searching. Your selfish and careless disregard for your husband and your children needs to be throughly examined. Therefore pull your head out of where is it now, worrying about a man that is not committed to you that you cheated on your husband with(where are his morals, boundaries by the way? What a catch! and focus on what is important, why you seem to be feeling or showing little remorse for one.

 

Not going to apologize for my lack of sympathy for you.

[savignon]

I don't understand how he could be giving her ANOTHER chance and he never gave us any....

I imagine your husband would say the same about you wanting to give it another go with THIS guy, but not work on your marriage.

Even if you weren't married, I would tell you that this guy is just not going there with you. He's not available for the affair you want to have or wish you had and it seems he made that clear all along, despite the fact that he has engaged with you. Sounds like he wants to be with his girlfriend and would be happy to have a married girlfriend on the side. Since you want more (and you're married), it's just not something that's going to work out.

In the meantime, address your marital problems and/or get a divorce before you consider yourself "available" for a relationship.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I really think you need to seek out some personal counselling to figure out why you got in so deep. What is it about your life that you are so unhappy with. There is no thought here about your husband and how he would feel about what has happened. What is going on in your marriage that you became obsessed with someone who works for you. Lots of people have flings with their boss in order to get special perks on the job. It is taking brown nosing to a whole new level. This guy felt he had a feather in his cap because he was banging the boss. What is going on here is not love, not from you, not from him...this is an escape from real life. You need to figure out why you feel the need to escape into this dangerous fantasy world.

[Sanesoul]

My advice, leave your husband. He does not deserve what you are doing to him. You are in love with another guy.

 

How did you think that you could have a future with this other man while you are still pretending to be a wife to your husband?

 

It doesn't make sense.

[mca1975]

Brighton, I feel a lot of empathy with you for the pain you are going through over this affair. Affairs always seem to lead to great pain, because they are always wrong and happen for the wrong reasons; as a way of escaping what is really going on. This is what I have observed, as I have never had one before.

 

I can see how this affair started, I think you were under a lot of stress in your marriage and maybe were not being listened to and having your needs met, so you were looking for some excitement, almost to feel alive again. An affair will always provide excitement, but not much more. I'm sure it is very hard to resist.

 

Because you work with this guy, it is causing great problems in you being able to "let go". He will never give you what you are asking and he has been very clear on that. Basically, you need to go through great pain in order to get through this, but always with the focus that you WILL NOT go back to something that is continually hurting you so very much. Say no to the excitement and the passion, because you know what will follow. Your husband must be in great pain over this and he must be able to see that you are in pain over "loving" or "wanting" someone else. I cannot imagine what this must feel like for him, awful.

 

Try your very best to turn your attention to your husband and how to fix your marriage, if you can.

 

You will have to go through great pain to get to the other side and you will emerge stronger in the end and (not saying this in a negative way), but it will keep you from ever starting up an affair like this again. Keep that focus about not going back no matter how tempted you are, it will only hurt you time and time again. Make that choice and stick to it and do all you can to try and avoid working with this guy ever again.

[brighton]

Thank you all for your advice. I know you are right about the selfishness of what I have done. That is part of the reason I am in such distress. I have never ever cheated before on any of my boyfriends and felt like I was happy with my husband before this happened and would NEVER have thought this would happen to me. But it has and it has knocked me off my feet.

 

Regarding my husband. I don't want to make any decisions re. leaving him at the moment. I am in no fit state. I have a deep down feeling that this happened because of what mca1975 says - excitement and thrill. And because of that I feel I simply have to get through this stupid infatuation and move on. But I felt so strongly for this person. And yes he did make it clear he wanted his girlfriend but then it was like he was forcing himself to do this and broke quite a few times.

 

I am not deceiving my husband. He knows something has happened. He is a very lovely openminded and philisophical person. He is not possessive or jealous as a person and he knows no one is perfect. He says that about himself to. We are taking this as part of life's journey together and trying to get through this. It is a massive character flaw on my part, I know that. I also don't want to split up because of the children. My husband and I have a calm stable relationship. It is not as if I hate him and I could HAUL myself back into the marriage.

 

It has just been such a horrid period and I just still hold this STUPID STUPID hope for this guy - which may in all selfishness be a pride thing as well - that he chose his girlfriend. I cannot begin to tell you how hard this is and how I appreciate your advice - however hard it is. Because it is true. Thank you

[Sanesoul]

If you really want to make this work with your husband, then you need some serious marital and individual counselling.

 

If you do not change the reasons that you thought it was ok to go outside of your marriage in the first place, then I see this happening again and again.

[Shortpants]

Welcome to ENA Brighton, I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but it is a great place to vent and get feedback while going through the rough spots in your life.

 

You really need to go complete NC with the OM if you have any hope of saving your marriage. That coupled with individual and couples therapy will help you get through this and see if the marriage can be saved. There is a website I recommend to all couples dealing with affairs: link removed , there is a FAQ for WS (Wandering Spouses) in the healing library that answers some basic questions on how to deal with your infidelity, and the forums are very helpful as they are all posts from people that are going through EXACTLY what you are going through now. I recommend doing some reading there and it may give you some tips on how to get through this with your husband... with your marriage intact.

 

I agree with the other posters, unless you find out what happened the first time, and why you chose to stray, the danger of it happening again and again is looming. Please take care of yourself, your marriage and above all else your kids. They are innocent in all of this and don't deserve to lose the happy home they know due to indiscretions. Stay strong and fight to save your marriage if that is what you want to do.

[mca1975]

Brighton, I must say your husband sounds like a wonderful man who is very forgiving, I think you should turn to him right away and keep all of your focus on him. Forget this other man, it is infatuation you are feeling for him, not love. This guy has a poor girlfriend on the other side of the world who is also suffering from this love triangle. Too many people being hurt here for it to be right. Let go of that "pride thing" you feel, feel sorry for his girlfriend. I agree you need to go totally NC with this other man and if and when he contacts you, you need to say NO.

[brighton]

Thank you all again. I am so confused and find it so difficult to let go of this guy. As you say mca1975, I am sure it was infatuation but then how can I be sure. I did ask why we couldn't be together and he simply said it was situational - the whole awful situation of how it started, the fact I am married and he is in a relationship, the work situation, the way it got out at work. I torture myself about telling someone at work - if only I hadn't have said anything maybe maybe maybe.....). Because of all this I am finding it so hard to let go....the "what if".

 

It is like I need someone to tell me that if he was really interested then all of the above would be irrelevant and we would be together.

 

And at the same time I am convinced it is all just silly infatuation and my head is telling me to concentrate on my marriage but my heart is finding it SO HARD to catch up.

 

Thank you all so much for all your words and advice.

 

By the way, I did try counselling before I left my role at work and therefore the country I was in (that was good because he is not working for me anymore). I had a couple of sessions but it didn't really help me. And now I am in a foreign country so I would have to seek out a foreign counsellor. Do you really think this would help?

[savignon]

It is like I need someone to tell me that if he was really interested then all of the above would be irrelevant and we would be together.

You say your husband knows everything...does he know you would leave him if this guy became available? I really don't think that's fair and as a married woman, if my husband were with me because his girlfriend on the side had another boyfriend, I'd be sooo hurt and feel that I was entitled to the facts so that he's not the one making MY life choice. While I understand and respect the hard time you're having, it's just not fair to this husband who loves you, wants to be with you and is forgiving, kind, thoughtful, etc.

IF he were really interested and IF you were single....well, why does it matter? If you really want to know, become single and persue him as a single woman.

Your husband surely doesn't deserve "IF my boyfriend were single we'd be headed for divorce so I could be with him"....ouch

[Sanesoul]

I have to agree with Savignon.

 

I didn't look at it that closely before, but now that I think about it, that is really sad for your husband.

 

He may be open to you making mistakes, but actively thinking about divorcing your husband if your other man was unattached makes it much more than a mistake.

 

Your husband deserves the truth.

[dancergirl12]

While I feel bad for your husband, I feel terribly sorry for your kids. What you have done is horrible and you need to stop this way of thinking. No sympathy from here.

[brighton]

You are all correct and your judgment of me is right.

 

I don't know which way to turn. Even though I SAY that I would leave my husband if the guy said "yes" and that is how I feel at the moment - I simply don't know if that is because it is something I cannot have and in reality I would run a mile and want to stay with husband.

 

I think I maybe have been through a massive life blip and need to power through it somehow. I have also recently moved country, house, job etc as well - in the last month - and that is good because I am now away from this guy - but has added totally to the stress both my husband and I am feeling.

 

And regarding the children - they are 2 and 3 - and simply do not know anything is wrong. My husband and I do not talk about any of this in front of them. We are not arguing or crying in front of them and if there is one thing we ARE doing it is putting on a united normal front for them.

 

Thank you so much for your thoughts and comments. Even if they are bad - I respect them a lot.