brighton Posted May 26, 2010 Share Posted May 26, 2010 I need help and advice. I know what I have done is wrong - I am really aware of it but I am desperate to get through this situation and need your help and not your judgement at this moment. I am a successful, confident career woman who has been married for 5 years. I have 2 very young children that I had in quick succession. My life with my husband was good. Stable but good. It was a high stress situation because we had a lot of stuff going on. I went back to work after having my 2 kids very quickly and even though I didn't want to be at work it was OK. Then about 8 months ago I started to have an affair with a guy at working. In fact the situation was just awful - he worked for me and had a girlfriend working in the same office. I fell really hard. I have never even looked at another guy in that way in the 10 years I have been with my husband (married 5) but something happened and I fell deep. I knew pretty quickly that I wanted to be with this guy and he acted like he felt the same. He was very full on and I KNEW that he was almost obsessed with me. We were for each other. But he is a commitment phobe and was much more happy with the status quo of the situation than I was. Of course I got deeper and deeper involved and was really unhappy with what I was doing to my husband but also that he was with his girlfriend still. He was very clear with me that he wanted to try and make his relationship work. But the point is - he made it clear that he knew there was something missing in his relationship with his girlfriend. I was distressed about the whole situation and tried to cut him out of my life many times - we didn't see each other a lot as he worked for me based on a different continent, but of course we spoke every day. It was like a bomb had gone off. I really thought he felt deeply for me. He couldn't stop contacting me and acted obsessed, but he always stopped short when I started talking about a future together. He said he had no problem whatsoever with taking on my children and even asked if I would have more children with him a few times. He also said he loved me 3 or 4 times. And I am sure he did. The a dreadful thing happened. I was so distressed and couldn't talk about it to anyone. And then one night I spilt it all out to someone else I worked with. And she told someone else. Who told my boss and his girlfriend and of course the word got out. We managed to contain it all and I was moving jobs anyway and moving country so my boss was fine about it. I thought, phew, now at least it is all out in the open.... He was really angry at me for telling someone, although it was almost out of a desperation on my part - I couldn't cope with it all. He was also playing me a bit - very hot and then pulling back. He is looking for a promotion at work and knew that this didn't look good for him. He went away with his girlfriend and I was DEVASTATED when they got back together. She forgave him. That was February and I was totally shell shocked, plus trying to deal with it at work. And of course, then we were still having to talk every day as I was his boss. We limped through the next 2 months of him working for me. We were utterly professional. He knew I was devastated. He made a big effort to say that he had made his choice and he had chosen his girlfriend. I know (cos he has told me) that a big part of that was because he needed something secure to hold on to. His girlfriend and I are very different. I am a passionate impulsive person (which he liked) and she is very balanced and calm (which he also likes...). So this carried on for a few weeks and then we simply fell back into our affair again. I liked him so much I couldn't resist. But I knew I felt so bad in the situation - I hated the deceit and lies. PLUS I wanted a future with this guy. He made all the right noises again. He had fogiven me for telling the girl at work and we started to make a bit of progress again. But then I saw him 3 weeks ago - I have moved jobs now - but he begged me to see him again. So I did. And we ended up exactly in the same place...me saying I wanted more and him saying he couldn't give it to me. So I made it clear I was very unhappy in this middle ground - have lost loads of weight etc and finished it. It broke my heart. I have tried no contact. I have been desperate and sent him multiple texts. He has always responsed and is trying to help me through it. He is with his girlfriend at the moment (they live on different continents at the moment...) and he said it is going fine and he knows there is something missing but he is fed up with pursuing "perfect happiness" that he knows doesn't exist. I don't understand how he could be giving her ANOTHER chance and he never gave us any.... It is totally ruining my life. I am managing to get through for the kids. My husband knows something happened but doesn't know how deep it went for me. And we are like friends at the moment. Please advice. Link to comment
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