new to this, dont know where to turn

[kevyl]

Hi guys, have been reading the forums for days, dont know where to turn, This is my first post but is going to be a long winded one so i hope you can bare with me.

 

My ex girl and i met in work almost 3 years ago.(shes 28 im 24) She was with another guy at the start but they had broken up in January 09. They were quite serious and had been together 8 years and were engaged and had been trying for children (he could only provide with the help of IVF which they were on the list for). Anyway he wasnt a good bf to her and she had no life to speak of (her words not mine) She broke up with him and he continually begged her back pretty much the whole time we've been together

 

Anyway in April of 09 we started to text as we had met randomly on a night out in another town and exchanged numbers. We had also planned a holiday away together along with two otherworkmates for the summer. After about amonth of meeting up regularly i finally got the courage one night to kiss her. And she kissed me back. Things were fantastic. We met up regularly and about 2 months after slept together. But then she distanced herself right before the holiday which was in August 28th 09. I found out on the holiday that she had allowed her ex back into her life and they were trying again because she seemed to desperately want a child but were not officially back together. So i distanced myself also and actually drunkenly kissed the other girl we were going on holidays with (which meant nothing to either of us)

 

The holiday came around and her ex did not want her to go as he knew about me and her, but she went along anyway. Thats when i found out she had been seeing him again, during the holiday we both kissed other people randomly on nights out and seemed like we were trying to make each other jealous. By the end of the holiday we admitted to each other that we loved each other (me initiating)

 

We agreed to be a couple after this and so began her long battle to get her exs name off the mortgage. Eventually he left but still text her all the time but i totally trusted her and have no reason not too. For Christmas i booked us a 2week holiday to majorca for march 10. Things were perfect and we never argued the whole relationship although she did convey to me that i did not care enough about chores around my own house or hers and that annoyed her that i was lazy. I did try and change. In January of this year we agreed that she would come off the contraceptive pill as we both wanted children.

 

 

And finally last month April, she told me she was coming around and we needed to talk. Shed become distant after the holiday and told me its because she'd received a letter saying that this was their last chance to avail of the IVF. It had made her worry that their was something wrong with her this time as she realised we'd been having unprotected sex for 3 months with no pregnancy.

 

She left me that day and said that i wasnt mature enough and that she hated to do it cause she still loved me but had been focused so long on having a child that she wanted to go out and be single and find herself...

The next week after a week of NC (friday night) she turned up at a football game i was playing with no forewarning. After the game we talked and went back to my house. She stayed that night and we had sex, she said the next day that she missed me so much and hoped shed see me on the sunday, she did and we had a great day again and i stayed with her at her house that night. I thought great everythings back. Then little contact again until that wednesday. She said tat her head wasnt in it and she needed to be on her own. In this time i accepted a new job partially for better money and partially to move away from her.

 

So NOW its may and i got a text on saturday from an old workmate (who was at a work get together with her) which said she was already seeing someone else (Not her ex or anyone i knew) I text her a lot of abuse basically calling her a * * * * and had admitted what had happened with the other girl before holidays to hurt her. She phoned the next day and said that she had only met the other guy 2 weeks ago and that was their first night out together. I honestly believe thats the truth

 

I left it with a text to her on Sunday saying that i was so sorry for the abuse, that i loved her so much and that if being with someone else made her happy then thats all that mattered. i also asked her not to contact me again.... She hasnt

 

I Want her back soo much its all i think about and all of my friends are partnered up so its not even like i can have them around to take my mind off it or go out with them to meet someone knew.

 

Will she contact me again/regret her decision to start afresh with someone else already?

 

Ive taken up a plan now to go NC because now i have no other choice, So im on day 3 of NC and will post regular updates daily. i have felt no pain like this before even after the breakup of my first love of 5 years who continually cheated on me. I am not afraid to admit that i have cried for the past 3 days.

 

To anyone that has read this thank you so much because it is a long long post

[FootofGod]

Hey, friend, posting on ENA is a great start, thats for sure!

 

I'm sorry to hear about how serious you guys were together. There's a lot to say and I know I won't reach it all. I know she's the older one, but if she hasn't figured her life out, what she wants, and is confused, you just have to let her go. It doesn't mean she will come back and it doesn't mean she won't, but EITHER WAY, you have to go out in the world and improve yourself in every way you can. And you have to do it for YOU because YOU want to be a better person.

 

My girl was the same way - obviously confused, seems to not understand that we had a commitment and a life together, and she decided to go chase an old crush, giving me a few bogus reasons. I know your ex is older, and you'd expect that to matter, but it doesn't. These lessons are only things you can learn through experiences and strife, they do not magically come to you with age.

 

The most painful thing is the feeling of being powerless - knowing you can't make her come back and magically fix things, not being able to take back your mistakes, etc.

 

Listen, friend. The past is dead. Don't allow it to live on any more than it must. And that's coming from a guy who was ready to propose. If you two ever meet down the roads, you BOTH need to be better people and learn a lesson, and you CANNOT try to "get back where you were." You have to start fresh, fall in love all over again, and make it better than ever if you two ever get together. If she never comes around, then she never was really ready for that kind of relationship, and you only could have delayed the pain, and it would have been greater - count this whole thing as a blessing! Start thinking like that, it will do you wonders! Look at how magnificently great this trial is going to be for you as a person, and I'm not saying you have to give up on her- I know I'm not doing that- but you have to go forward.

 

I know those words don't take away the pain, but think about them - realize that right now, you are exactly where you need to be rather, no matter how much your inner child kicks and screams for things to be the way it wants it. I have had a great feeling of enlightenment in the past few days (not religious)! It is an amazing feeling. Feel sad and take the suffering you will undoubtedly feel, but know that beyond that sadness and pain there is something stronger and more important that will always overcome and bring you back. And hope that maybe some day she will grow how she needs to grow and be ready to have that gift shared with her, but do not count on it. We all already took our exes for granted before, let us not repeat the mistakes of the past.

[kevyl]

thanks for taking the time to read and give your input. Really could use someone to talk to right now, i have one friend left who will still be able to call with me quite a bit because the rest are in relationships and do not bother with me anymore.He listens but i feel i will burden him if i continue to talk this out with him. Im just so depressed atm and dont even want to go on (i wouldnt do anything stupid because that is very selfish) but if i knew i wouldnt wake up again tomorrow i would feel massively relieved.

But i am going to use this to input my daily thoughts and maybe get that push i need to get back to life from other users. Thank you for taking the time and to anyone else who'll listen and post in future

[FootofGod]

Yeah, try to talk it out here, friend. Only talk about it with people who are ready and willing to listen - don't inadvertently pass the burden on. I have been lucky enough to discuss it with some mutual friends, but I am enough past it for it to be more of a reflection and collection of thoughts than any form of venting.

 

I had to go out of time to get together with my closer friends. But the guy time definitely helped alot, too. Of course it came up, but I never pushed the issue. Mostly because I talked about it to death here and with myself.

[FootofGod]

Im just so depressed atm and dont even want to go on (i wouldnt do anything stupid because that is very selfish) but if i knew i wouldnt wake up again tomorrow i would feel massively relieved.

 

Take comfort in the fact that you are not even close to the only person to think that way! This is all natural, and it sucks no doubt, but find comfort in the fact that everybody else suffers the same way, and they get past it. Trust me, I definitely hoped every time I drove a car that a drunk driver came over the median and killed me for the first few days.

 

Things looked up for me when I found a job - go make some small victory for yourself, it will light that inner strength and from there it gets stronger and stronger day by day! I mean, do ANYTHING, look up a volunteer center and go volunteer! All you need to do is find that spark. You just need one brief moment of strength, or even just grudgingly accept that you must do something, put your mind to it, and do it. Hey, maybe even right now! Go out there and show the world how alive you are!

 

Taking this trial and turning it into a great opportunity to be a better person is the chance we have to get her back.

[kevyl]

Day 4 no contact 21.00 26 May

 

Today im off work as i start a new job on Monday week. Got up around 11 and thought about her immediately and how she is getting on with her rebound. She is still working where i did work. Felt ok today, went out with my best friend and helped him bring some metal to the scrapyard, didnt think of her that much when i was doing this, Then he came around and we talked a little, then went to play football, didnt think of her at all during the game, but on the drive home got very down thinking about her again and thinking the rebound could well be with her now. Another friend is coming round now and we're going to get a dvd, hope this will take my mind off her.

 

PS are all women the same? Since ive been broken up with her, a girl i was with before (one night thing) has started to text even tho she has a bf. Seems interested

Also another girl who is engaged who i met one night has told a mutual friend she wants to sleep with me (apparently she is finishing with her fiance)

 

I will not sleep with either of these two girls because if iwas their guys i wouldnt be happy at all. Plus why should i hurt other people like i am hurting myself atm.

 

Hope you guys dont mind me updating this every day but it sort of helps me to vent.

[FootofGod]

PS are all women the same? Since ive been broken up with her, a girl i was w

I will not sleep with either of these two girls because if iwas their guys i wouldnt be happy at all. Plus why should i hurt other people like i am hurting myself atm.

 

Hope you guys dont mind me updating this every day but it sort of helps me to vent.

 

I think most people are the same. I commend you for not wanting to sleep with either of them - do unto others. You definitely should not spread the hurt. If they break up and are single... hey, that's up to you, but I could never help someone steal away another.

 

As for posting too much... don't worry bout that. I got it covered. I just broke the 100 posts mark and I've only been on here for like a week.

[kevyl]

thanks footofgod, plan to just update this daily until i feel a little better, maybe some others can see how no contact works for me, although im anticipating it wont work out well as shes not one to return to a relationship and hasnt even tried to contact me, i dont blame her i acted quite childish when i found out about the new rebound, but left her with a nice last message as shown in my first post, time will tell and at least this may help people with a similar situation

[FootofGod]

Don't give up - it's never too late to start doing the right things. Maybe you were different than her other relationships. Only time will tell, but if she comes back, you'll know it's because she wanted to and you truly were different. If she doesn't you're gonna be already going forward with your life, you'll find someone who does share that special connection, and you'll be better off. Oh, and most importantly, you'll be a better man!

 

It's win-win, man, it's great!

[kevyl]

in a way i feel a little relieved, because i know now that i can no longer contact her again because if i do it will ruin my chances completely and push her toward her new bf, and if i stay away she may miss me. And hey, if i dont hear from her in 30 days i am going to give her a call and arrange a meet. Im going to follow MOMU to a tee. Either way im either going to get her back or move on. I know i can do it. I will not go on in this depressed state and things can only get better.

[FootofGod]

Yeah, you've got the idea! Maybe calling and immediately asking to meet after a month is a bit much. You've got to reapproach slowly at first if you're going to call the shots. MOMU is just one of billions of books of advice no better than what you'll find here. I'd personally wait longer, but my situation is slightly different because she left me for a crush, so I really can't make a move until he's out of the picture or she comes to me.

[jimbojones100]

in a way i feel a little relieved, because i know now that i can no longer contact her again because if i do it will ruin my chances completely and push her toward her new bf, and if i stay away she may miss me. And hey, if i dont hear from her in 30 days i am going to give her a call and arrange a meet. Im going to follow MOMU to a tee. Either way im either going to get her back or move on. I know i can do it. I will not go on in this depressed state and things can only get better.

 

That is absolutely the right attitude. It sucks at first, and will continue to, but it'll also get a bit better each day. Just keep coming back here and venting. It helps!

[jimbojones100]

Sorry guys, what's MOMU?

[kevyl]

Magic of making up written by T dub Jackson is MOMU. Spent 32quid on it so gonna follow it closely. lol. Reallyhope i can resist her contact if she contacts me first. Really missing her now and its only been 4 daysof No contact.

 

I fear if i leave it longer than a month then she may become more and more involved with the rebound. She is not the type to jump into bed straight away with a new partner and has only had 3 sexual partners including me who were all her LT partners.

Im just worried if they sleep together thats it definitely over. She has told me previously that once she sleeps with somebody then thats when she knows shes serious about them

[kevyl]

DAY 5 NC, 1800 MAY 27

 

 

Finding it really tough today, really want to call her. No hint of her even trying to get in touch. Although i did have a missed call from a private number last night. Just want to get in touch and see if she misses me at all but i know i must not do it because i will just be back to square one. i am going to a friends house tonight where they will all be drinking but i will not because in this state i couldnt guarantee myself i would not send her a text. Can someone reinforce that NC is my only choice? Just cant believe that two weeks after we split up she met someone else and already moved on after saying she wanted to be on her own and find out who she was.

[FootofGod]

Magic of making up written by T dub Jackson is MOMU. Spent 32quid on it so gonna follow it closely. lol. Reallyhope i can resist her contact if she contacts me first. Really missing her now and its only been 4 daysof No contact.

 

I fear if i leave it longer than a month then she may become more and more involved with the rebound. She is not the type to jump into bed straight away with a new partner and has only had 3 sexual partners including me who were all her LT partners.

Im just worried if they sleep together thats it definitely over. She has told me previously that once she sleeps with somebody then thats when she knows shes serious about them

 

My ex only slept with 3 people, too, and all of her relationships lasted over a year. I think that's probably why I have a while to wait and should probably be totally moved on in my mind by the time she comes around and realizes she left a great guy for a total nothing.

 

Look at it this way - sex obviously didn't close the deal for you guys. Inexperienced girls usually think that sex is going to be the final word of commitment, and they usually think that first year with all the flutters and sparks is love. They don't know a damn thing. That's why I'm hoping maybe my ex will learn. She's such a fantastic person, but she apparently doesn't know squat about commitment and love, even though she think she loves this other guy. It might take a while, man. Even if in a month, it doesn't work the way you planned, you don't know what's gonna happen in 1, 3, or 5 years. At that point, just forget it and let time fly. If you're right for each other, there's no way she won't come around. Our exes are people just like us and we pretend to be high and mighty, but maybe we just don't know what they're feeling. Maybe given the same pressures we'd make the same mistakes (not that all breakups are mistakes. Mine was, though, most assuredly). And on that note, maybe when those pressures leave, they'll come to he same conclusions.

[kevyl]

Guys, is there anyway i could contact her and the result turn out good? or is NC thee only way to go?

[hellohello1]

what does momu say kevyl if you dont mind me asking?

 

i think you need to do NC. i contacted my ex last night and he was ok at first but then when i started talking about our relationship he got annoyed!! nc is the way to go

[FootofGod]

Guys, is there anyway i could contact her and the result turn out good? or is NC thee only way to go?

 

NC, NC, NC. You can only push them away with the things you say. They aren't going to ignore you forever if it's not over. If it's over, it's over. Both ways, no contact for a healthy amount of time and moving on are the correct solutions. That's why it's suggested. Try to think of a couple who has had one beg for the other back, they got back together and stayed together. I can't, I don't know if it's ever happened. But I know plenty of cases of no contact working, and reconciling far after the fact and when emotions are at bay and both people are looking towards the future. It's your only viable option.

[kevyl]

MOMU says that you should stay away for 30 days and work on yourself and then ease back into meeting up with them after that, im not sure if it works if shes in a new relationship already tho! Thanks for the replies guys i'm gonna try and stay strong and not contact her even though i really want to. I think i will contact her on the 18th june and only if i feel ready.

[FootofGod]

MOMU says that you should stay away for 30 days and work on yourself and then ease back into meeting up with them after that, im not sure if it works if shes in a new relationship already tho! Thanks for the replies guys i'm gonna try and stay strong and not contact her even though i really want to. I think i will contact her on the 18th june and only if i feel ready.

 

Yeah, probably not. You can't compete with the novelty of a new relationship, and I'm not too sure if you can even enter the picture without just making them closer. That's why I'm going to just wait 'til she does, and if all 3 months of summer pass, I'll try after she's gone long distance with him and is up here at school with me again.

[kevyl]

Day 6 NC 1445 MAY 29

 

Had a rough day yesterday but couldnt get on to post.. Still missing her loads but am feeling a little better today. have heard from people i used to work with (who she stil does) that she is walking around 'without a care in the world'. This hurts me as i was hoping maybe she was hurting just a little. Seems this new guy must mean something to her because she hasnt even texted me to see how i'm doing or what i'm up to. I dont think this NC is going to work in the way i want, ie getting her back. But hopefully it will aid me in moving on. I think i would feel worse if i was still in contact begging her back and she was not responding

[kevyl]

K so, its Saturday night and im home alone, all the friends are also athome with their partners. Feel so lonely and have no one to come around to keep me company, so want to contact her and ask her to come around even tho i know she probably wouldnt. Really want to stay NC for the 30 days but its only been 7 and its killing me already. What to do to keep my mind off her or keep my mind off being lonely? Any advice? I am so weak. Just feels as if everyone else is paired up and happy and im left on the shelf at 24. Almost everyone i know has someone. I had her for a year (best year of my life) and shes let me go and has already moved on to be with someone else after 2 weeks with a totally new guy she met

[kevyl]

Need a bit of advice.... have to go back to my old work today to pick up a few parts, might bump into her, do i just say hello and smile or what do i do?