ChrisR1983 Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 Hi, new here. This is going to be long.. I appreciate those that read and tell me their thoughts. Me and my girlfriend have been officially together since September 11, 2008. We started casually dating each other in May 2008 though. When we first got together, I had been divorced since roughly April/March of 2007. My divorce relationship was extremely hard on me as there was a lot of verbal/emotional/physical abuse from her. She had cheated on me over the 5 years we were together with multiple men. Coming out of that relationship, I put up many barriers and tried my best to protect myself from ever getting hurt again. Unfortunately, these barriers effected my current relationship. When me and my current g/f got together, things were good for the most part. She was just getting out of a divorce herself with similar circumstances but she was able to give herself to me as if nothing ever happened to her. I, unfortunately, was not the same. While there were a lot of happy times, there were many times she would start talking about further commitment, such as kids, marriage, etc. and I would immediately shy away from the topic or bluntly state that I did not want kids or marriage (something in me did, but I had those barriers trying to keep me from getting to that level of commitment). Many times the topic came up, and I always said the same thing. Infact, I eventually started pushing her away because I got so scared of getting hurt again. I've always been in love with her.. but something just kept telling me to push push push even while something in me kept saying to hold her close. I can't imagine the pain she must of felt through all of it. We got to a point last month where she had asked me some questions. Important questions.. (do you want to wake up next to me? do you love spending time with me?) and I gave my typical push away answers even though they're not what I meant. What has been said cannot be undone though. Finally realizing how awful I've been.. and realizing that I love her so so much, I started to change. I started to open myself up again.. my barriers came down, and I felt like I could love her the way she deserved. Unfortunately, the answers I gave stuck in her mind.. and she put barriers up herself. Three weeks after the stupid, untrue answers I gave to her questions... she moved out to her grandmas house. When she moved out, she said she thought that we should take a break from each other. And that I should think about what it is that I truly want, and what I want from us and she would do the same. I told her everything I was feeling. I told her how stupid I was, how sorry I was, and that I love her more than I could ever possibly love someone. I told her that I wanted to grow old with her, have kids, be married, have grand kids.. everything. I wanted it all. She said that she needs time and space. She said that she loves me but isn't in love with me anymore and she has a wall up because she is afraid of getting hurt. My answers hurt her so bad, that she says it made her stop being in love with me and she started to prep herself to ease her pain for when she left. She said that everything I was saying, and doing, was what she wanted all along but now it feels overwhelming. She's been gone for three weeks now. I haven't really give her the "space" she asked for because I don't want to lose her and feel like if I give her space, then she'll just move on and forget about me. She's been hanging out with friends all the time, and she's been hanging out with a guy in that circle of friends and says that they get along really well and is easy to talk to and be herself around.. but says he is just a friend and they have not done anything. She still has told me that she feels as if she isn't in love anymore but she says she hasn't made a decision on what she wants to do yet. She asked for space, real space now, and said she wants to find out who she is, and what she wants. I feel like I'm dying inside every day. I feel so lost. Link to comment
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