My story: ex boyfriend cheated regularily with prostitutes

[unknown100]

I recently had a tumultuous relationship with a man for 1.5 yrs. We loved each other very much, or so I thought. Every time I tried to break it off, he would come after me in a heart wrenching way to stay together. It ended ultimately because I was hesitating with the marriage commitment - there were too many red flags, and I just didn't know what he was hiding - he lied a lot, even about the smallest things, and I wasn't sure who he was sexually. He seemed to want me to believe that he had a low libedo (though for months we had a great sex life) and I was regularly rejected when I made a pass for sex, and we just weren't having sex very often - when we did, it was on his decision and mostly it was me doing all the work. Additionally, I would have to push to change things up or get him to do pleasurable things for me. (I should mention, after one incredible session we had earlier on – he said strangely that: it was phenomenal but it couldn’t be repeated. I never understood that and why he would create such a ridiculous rule. Maybe it uncomfortably resembled something else in his life? Read on.) There was so much manipulation, etc. So, without getting into the details, I knew somehow I was being messed with, and I wanted to figure it out, but I didn't think (or maybe I just kept telling myself that) he was cheating. Even post breaking up, I wondered if it was the right thing to end it, but mostly I just wanted to know what happened. Weeks+ later I found his escort reviews online! I read what he did to them, what he thought of them, how much he paid them, etc. Stumbled on more details, then more details...and here it was, while he was depriving me of sex, he was out searching for, planning appointments with, and paying hookers to have sex with him....and regularly - many many times throughout our time together. Thanks to him I have now slept with tens of prostitutes who have slept with hundreds of men. Aside from being angry about the cheating, I think he is so evil. I kept traumatizing myself (and he knew this) over figuring out was wrong, what happened, was it me?, is it this?, is it that?...I compromised my needs for him, I doubted myself for him, I blamed myself for him, I felt guilty for questioning his actions, I endured so much relationship stress and resentment towards him, etc….all the while he was cheating with escorts and porn stars - taking sex away from me and giving it to them. And could their sex be better than mine? I doubt it, though I am curious what they offer that is better enough to risk my health for -I am beautiful, open sexually, fun in bed, and have a great drive. He had these expectations of me to be loyal, not talk to my friends about the relationship, have a conservative sexual past, etc. etc.....and there he was a fraud, liar, and sexual deviant. He had been doing this what looks like could be almost weekly for at least a year before he met me - and he played himself off like sexually conservative when we met. Saying he didn’t have a long list of partners in his past [“I would never (have never) cheat(ed), that would be disrespectful” – and people who cheat are “flawed”, and the now comical statement: “Sex is emotional for me, unlike a typical guy”…hahahahahahahahaha]...meanwhile he was a male, cheating, hooker-worshiping, sl*t. At least I could respect a man that asks for an open relationship or makes certain kinky requests – but he portrayed a holier than though façade and wanted it both ways – to have a faithful girlfriend with moral standards and the ability to do whatever he f’ing wanted on the side. In his same breath asking me to move accross the country with him, I expressed that our sex life was one of the major issues holding me back - and his response..."it is what it is", “I am sorry I am not good enough for you or enough for you sexually.” (He was always trying to make it my fault, and I think he used that to justify his behavior in his head.)

 

Thank God I dodged that bullet and I didn’t contract anything or stupidly marry him - but what gets me is that he is already online looking for another nice girl to fool into thinking he is some wholesome and honorable guy, and I am sure he has created a new secret e-mail and screen name to continue his “secret deviant” behavior. - Most of all though, it kills me that I have no recourse, since we were already over when I found out. He lost nothing. When I was learning all of this, for weeks I was angry and seething...now I am calming down, but the pain is so deep - that someone who supposedly loved me could disrespect me so inexcusably and could steal so much time from me unfaithfully. He could have given me a serious STD, since we were completely unprotected (I thought we would end up married) - and at the same time he wanted me to give up my sex life for him and live with the anxiety of trying to understand his behavior and distance. It's cruel. And, I am just shocked that this is the kind of person I shared a bed with. How did someone like that even enter my life? I have a pure heart and nothing but good intention and I gave him so much (even sexually), and he treated me like that - and with no conscious, especially given that he kept doing it over and over again. Sadly, I think he probably blamed me too for his behavior, and justified his actions as something he did to spite me. How does he live with himself? He is a disgusting human being. And the same with all men like him - and there are so many - just check the chat rooms of the guys trolling those escort sites. I thought I was good at picking the good men, never giving any man anything I didn't think they deserved - and I gave everything to a complete fraud. I feel completely violated, shocked, used, and betrayed. The sad thing is relaying my disgust of him didn’t hurt him in the least. He only cares about himself. And, I doubt he ever loved me. He just wanted a wife to make him appear to everyone else that he was normal.

[sidehop]

Wow...he sounds like a complete tool. It's sad indeed to think he's praying on other women who could be innocent looking for a real relationship.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He just wanted a wife to make him appear to everyone else that he was normal.

 

That pretty much sums it up. There is something sorely lacking in him emotionally so he just goes for empty sexual encounters while trying to give the appearance of a normal, wholesome life. I am sorry that you ended up with one of these losers but at least you didn't end up married to him.

[lavenderdove]

I know a man like this who is terribly screwed up... he wants a nice pure 'safe' homemaking wife at home, while he chases legions of other women and even engages in group sex when he can. So he wants a virginal wife at home taking care of house and kiddies (and gets his hot sex elsewhere).

 

Needless to say, he has been married FOUR times to date and is not even 50, and five kids with 5 different women (4 from his wives, and one from a mistress who didn't marry him).

 

His wives usually find out eventually and leave him, so he starts the cycle again, looking for a sweet homemaker type who he hopes won't ever question him or what he does when he's away from her, but it always blows up in his face eventually. He lies to all of them, telling his wife he is working late or travelling for work, and telling the other women he pursues that he is separated or divorced, or pursues women in other towns he meets on business trips so they don't know he's married.

 

Count yourself VERY lucky that you found out before marriage.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sorry to hear of your situation, and even though you certainly did didge a bullet, I'm sure this took a toll on you. I think that in time you'll get through this, and be able to move forward.

 

Take care...

[KG]

This guy gets "jerkface of the decade award". I'm sorry you got hurt, I'm glad you found out. Now your odds of finding another idiot/manipulator/liar/scumbag are diminished considerably.

[unknown100]

Thank you for your caring responses. I am having such a hard time letting this go! I want to see him face to face so that I can yell at him. Or send him something. At the same time I don't want him to think I still care - but he stole so much from me and I am so angry - what can I do?

[addictedblue]

This is so shocking to read because the exact same thing happened to one of my really close friends. She has been with her boyfriend for about a year and a half now, and about 2 months ago she found out he was seeing prostitutes by finding his posts on online forums just like you. I'm not sure how many times he did it, probably not as many times as your guy, but he still did it. It's disgusting. Their relationship is so close, they do pretty much everything together, and have sex regularly from what she tells me, and I was disgusted that a man would betray and hurt my close friend like that. If you notice the word "is" though...it's because she took him back. I love my friend dearly, and she explained that it's impossible to understand a relationship from the outside which I get, but I still don't agree with her decision on that one. It is what it is though. At least you're strong. It's going to be hard to get over this, but you have to drop him from your life completely to get better. At least you can be glad you got rid of a scumbag instead of sad that a guy you loved stopped loving you back or something. And thank god you didn't marry this man!!!

[unknown100]

Thanks. Not a minute goes by that I am not thinking about what happened. I can't sleep a night without dreaming about it in some shape or another. I can't stop talking about it. I can't decide if he is a sex-addict or just an a**hole with a double life. I am picking apart every piece of everything I can remember to try and understand what happened. And I am so angry at myself for not finding this out sooner - I questioned all the clues when they happened and I did make a fuss...he betrayed me during the relationship just by shutting me down sexually. I was mad at him all the time. But, he always had so many interests and just seemed so boring - I never thought he would be sleeping with hookers and porn stars. And, why did I put cheating past him - he was such a selfish jerk. Why would I think he would give something like sex up (while he took it away from me)? It was a win/win for him to have both. It is soooooo disgusting and I feel so violated being with a person that wasn't who they said they were. I can't even describe it, but it makes my skin crawl. I shared a bed with this man, and he came to my family holidays, etc.

 

Anyway, I can't find a resolution. It sucks that I found out after we broke up - because he lost nothing "directly" because of his cheating and I didn't at least have the chance to dump him for it, yell at him to his face. I have nothing - no recourse, no ability to feel in control. And since we are not in contact, I will never be able to ask him what was going on. Not that he would admit it....which makes me even more upset cause it makes me think our love was all a lie and wasn't real because it meant nothing to him. He is already dating and looking for a wife to have kids, etc. He wants it all now!

 

I am seething with anger and at the same time, I want reach out to tell him not to date anyone and to seek help. I feel like loving someone like this is such a cruel joke....I thought that before I found out the truth. I was meaningless to him. When do I get to the point where he is meaningless to me?

[luv2teach]

You are so fortunate not have invested anymore time, and are moving on a stronger woman! I understand how hard that is to do. I went thru a very painful relationship recently. I was not as smart as you though, I let him manipulate me for 5 years. (This is my first time of ever using a site like this & I might should check the rules) I want to warn any woman that comes in contact with him to run like hell!!!

He would Swear to God, Swear on his Mom & Dads grave, it was not true. He was not seeing prostitutes or anyone else. I was is world, he needed me to breath, I was wonderful, God had put us togather, we belonged togather..... on & on. I thought I was awful because it was my fault to make him swear to God, I would never swear to God, you dont do that period but to do it while you know its a lie. Even asked God to stike him dead if was lying, and he was brought up in a christian home. No one I thought would use God like that, your Mom, Dads grave? All to convince me. (What really hurts is he used my baby sisters grave to swear on, nobody has ever would ever even think about doing that, that hurts) He would say that they were in heaven working on putting us togather, thats how all of the swearing on the Bible and stuff came up I guess. Anything to convince me, and he did until I saw where he was arrested for solicitation of a prostitute. Even then I had to go talk to the police officer that arrested him because he would not admit it was anything except a mistake, he was trying to help a man & woman that had ran out of gas! has zones that are known for prostitution, I found out. Im not from the area, but he has lived there about 15 yrs. The police told me there was no mistake of course they have to ask for the act & offer money,but that is how convincing he is. I could never be sure. Then he convinced me kind of that it was his first time. I know Im a idiot because the way we were togather, the love he claimed, showed me and I felt for him seemed overwhelming. Then I found a phone bill, my number and another number where the main numbers. A woman that has been arrested for prostitution several times, but her mom happens to be a preacher, he was calling the preacher. Yea. It took 2 years for him to admit he knew she lived about a stone throw behind him. (She came walking up in the yard one day when I was there, he didnt know where she had walked from, it was the first time she had ever done that)

Im telling how stupid I am I know, but I had come from an abusive home, had been in an abusive marriage divorced, and was in a bad marriage. Thats no excuse but I had never experienced anything like I thought we had and it felt so real. He used my past experiences I had talked some about. I had completely fell in love with him by the time these things started coming to light. I had told my husband (yea we had been married 27 yrs)about him this wonderful man that I had fallen deeply in love with. How happy he made me. I have 3 grown children, 2 married 1 was about to graduate high school. I wanted to wait before I left to build my life with this wonderful man until my youngest son left for college, I wanted to be home for him, I loved to take care of him and he is my baby always, my husband understood he had not been a good husband, he even said he didnt blame me and if this man made me so happy I should be with him. My husband started really trying to be a better husband and I told him it was to late.

Ive went through Hell for this low-down lying piece of crap, I left my husband, but nothing I did was enough, I was trying to get over what I thought was a one time prostitute, I was trying to not totally lose all respect from my children, I had left with a good relationship with my husband as far as being friendly and was thankful to have it. couldnt stand it, drove him even crazier, I had turned my world upside down for him and could not understand the jealousy. He had my some of family scared for my safety because of his anger when I started having doubts about the truth he knew it and if he thought I was going to leave the anger was unbelieveable.

Anyway surprize, everything he ever said was a lie, I know I made alot of stupid mistakes and Im paying for them. I have to face myself everyday knowing what I put my family through, replay all his lies and wonder how I could have believed a word that ever came out of his mouth. Oh yea get tested for a STD that was not embassingLOL.

I went by there not to long ago, I left an expensive straightening iron, and a present my daughter had given me. Guess what a woman came up(a friends girlfriend) with a look on her face of questions? she will be using that look alot! He had been trying to convince me to come back, give him sometime, so I could rebuild my trust. He didnt just love me, want me, he needed me, that is what had just came out of his mouth, then she drove up. My few things that were left are not worth that much, I am finally totally done. Warning is nothing but a lier!!!

(dont bash me too bad, Ive lived-learned the hard way)

[unknown100]

Hello luv2teach -

 

I would be happy to private message if you wish - but the option is not activated on your end. There are websites were women do warn other women of certain men.

 

I am sorry that all that happened to you. I know how you feel about feeling like you were stupid - missed the signs, forgave him, believed him, etc. I feel the same way (I think I made a post about it as well), but don't beat yourself up. I have had a difficult time letting go of this experience and mine only lasted less than 1.5 years. So, I can only imagine how much harder this must be for you, especially given the loss of your prior marriage. My heart goes out to you. Try not to blame yourself. It is our job as partners to trust our partner, especially when they convince us that they love us so much. Even after we broke up, my ex referred to our love as tremendous with hope for a future reconciliation. I blame myself for forgiving him on so many occasions, and dismissing so many things, but, I remind myself, that cheater's are master manipulators. And, what matters is that in the end we aren't with them now.

 

 

At least you left him because you found out and confronted him. If it is any conciliation, I didn't get any such validation/vindication to leave him directly for the cheating (thought it affected the relationship profoundly), since we were already broken up when I found out.

 

So, let's just count our blessings that they are out of our life. Believe me I keep replaying all of it over and over, and even though many months have past - it does get better. Keep visiting forums, etc. It will get better somehow and they will likely live a very lonely life.

 

Also, you may want to visit my post on this thread - there are some links to a few more websites you may want to check out - and you may find other situations that may even be worse than yours:

 

[unknown100]

Hello again Luv2teach

 

You may want to check out this other thread for some encouragement or resources...

 

 

[Sarah817]

You took the exact situation I was going threw and put into words, which is what I have a hard time doing. I have a hard time dealing with the manipulation and lies he put me threw, and I am sorry you went threw the same. I did not realize other men are like this. What your ex did to you, my ex was doing for our 4 year relationship. I even found out that he was even arrested for patronizing a prostitute a month after we moved in together (which was his idea to move in together in the first place) and hid it from me for all those years. He aways had the same excuses, he was tired and what not. But the whole time I was sexually deprived he was out there getting his rocks off, while I was working two jobs and going to school full time. He plays this facade to his family and friends that he is such a nice guy and that he wanted to marry me. But it was all sugar coated Bull Sh** so he can get what he wants. Its embarrassing to talk to people about this, because they just assume I was a prude in bed, and thats why guys go do this sort of thing. But everytime I would try something new he would freeze up and go limp. He even refused to go to the Adult Mart with me to get toys.... a guy who was with several prostitutes several times a week. I just don't get it. When I finally got a hold of one of his old cell phones, I started googling numbers and they ended up being linked to advertisments on escort/ hooker websites. I was so sick and enraged. There were dozens of them within a 6 month time period. I moved out immediatley, and he still wanted to "work things out" even though I figured out his password to his current cell phone and learned he was still frequenting prostitutes. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed that I ever believed his lies, and so confused how he could tell me he wanted to grow old with me yet as soon as I leave for work he was calling hookers. When he got arrested in a prostitution sting, it was literally 3 blocks away from my office. I am having a hard time finding closure, and I just want to move on and learn how to trust again. How can I ever a believe a man, I am just going to assume he is saying what needs to be said so he gets his way. I amglad I found this website, and can discuss this with people that have been threw it and understand. Leaving him was the best thing I have ever done, I am a very independent woman to begin with and I do not miss the relationship him and I had at all. But I still feel so much anger, towards him and his family and friends that knew he was doing this.

[Notagoodninja]

omg sarah817 you are a very strong woman i am PROUD of you you have a good head on your shoulders for leaving!

[unknown100]

Sarah817. I am glad that I signed in and saw your message. I haven't been much to the site, since I am trying to the put everything about my ex- bastard in my past. I still have a big pile of papers and files with all the details of all his crap (porn stars, hookers, ashley madison, match) he did! And I need to throw it away. And haven't been able to - luckily they are at another house, so they aren't near me.

 

I am so terribly sorry you had to experience this garbage, and the cruelty of someone taking something so precious form you when they are getting plenty of it themselves.

 

It is is very difficult, but you will get through it. Your ex was probably a sex addict, and you are very lucky to be without that crap! I am not sure my ex was a sex addict to this day - but I know he was a very selfish, narcissist, slime bag, scum of the earth. I try every day to let go of my anger and just be indifferent to him, not care if he is dead or alive. He stole so much from me. I have also tried to forgive myself for letting him through, what I though was a highly guarded wall to any evil. Yeah - I have heard it all. "How did you not know? If he wasn't having sex with you...then" Don't worry about those people. They don't get and they can't get it. These guys (our exes) are very good at what they do. If they want to deceive you they can, and they are expert liars. They live double lives, or have secret lives. They will never know love. I think perhaps my ex was even a sociopath - they don't have empathy, so they can't even feel the pain that you are going through. They know what they are supposed to feel, and they just act to make you think they feel - but they don't.

 

My ex-***hole and I met when I was 35. When we broke up I was 36 and 1/2. I am now 38. I have yet to be a relationship or have intercourse - but that's because I haven't met anyone worthwhile. It truly sucks - and I resent him for stealing so much time for me - and of the last few years I have to fall in love, get married, and have a baby. Now, men who want children think I am too old. And unfortunately, being an attractive woman hasn't helped bring any great men my way. I got out and don't even get approached. I so want to meet someone, and just haven't had any luck and never get approached.

 

So, why did I ramble? Well, I will give you two things about your situation that are a little better than mine:

 

1. You are SOOOOOOO very young. You will recuperate, you will trust again, and you will love again. Now, you are smarter and you will not let your kindness, understanding, and patience be abused. I had so many opportunities to search his computer, open his drawers, and etc. When I did anything close to that, I would start to shake and feel so guilty - I was always trying to be good. Well - I shouldn't have been. I would have found it out so much sooner, and been out. Now, if anything like that happens in the future, I won;t be scared to search and find. So, you are now a bit more wise for the future and you have so much time ahead of you. Be grateful you didn't catch anything from him, and that toxic energy is out of your life.

 

2. You caught your ex when you were still together. I found all this out after we broke up! I didn't have the benefit of the closure of catching him and leaving him for it and for him seeing me with his own two eyes insulting the f*** out of him. All I got to do was send him a scathing letter. I could have showed up at his apartment or office - but I was too worried.

 

Now, a part of me wishes I was able to bounce back from this trauma a little faster than I did. Actually, I guess if I am honest I am not 100% there (especially not today). But with any second I think of him, I realize I am letting him take more of me. And he didn't reserve a molecule of me to begin with. Why did it happen to me? I actually think I am one of the best people I know - impeccable principles and morals, open and honest, funny and attractive. Why I am 38 baby-less, sex-less, and alone? I don't know, and I think that that upsets me more than anything. But we are handed a life - and some of our lives have more s**t in it than others - we have no choice but to keep breathing and get through it.

 

I truly wish you the best, and was touched by your message. I am not alone. You are not alone. Take care.