I need some brutal honesty

[aldridal]

So, I feel pathetic even writing this.

 

My girlfriend is studying in the south for the summer, and she'll be back at the start of August.

 

It's been 2 weeks, and I have just over 30 days until I go visit her. Thing is, it's been tough. I know it shouldn't, but it has. I have come to determine that I'm dependent on her, which I know is bad, and I'm trying to work on it. I don't want to be.

 

It's just so hard to break away from it, you know? I find myself getting angry/anxious/worried if she doesn't text back within a reasonable amount of time.

 

I picture her down there, having a great time, and instead of being happy for her, I worry that she's going to realize how much fun it is to be away from me, and not want to continue our relationship when she returns.

 

Here's the kicker. I KNOW my thoughts are crazy. How do I know? Because we talk on the phone every day, or we skype. Yesterday was the shortest phone conversation we had (15 minutes), but we had texted over 30 times with each other.

 

She calls me out of the blue, and has been bragging about how she's going to send me a care package and some letters. She also asked for my parents' address so she can send them a postcard. She also has my picture up in her room, and some flowers that I had delivered displayed proudly on her desk.

 

So why am I STILL like this? I shouldn't be, I know I shouldn't. I've been diagnosed with severe anxiety, and have recently gotten back on medication. I just wish I didn't always feel the need for some sort of communication with her.

 

Anybody have any tips on how to overcome this? Any ideas on what in the world I can do? Please, brutal honesty is welcome. I just need to hear I'm crazy, and to get over it.

[hexaemeron]

How's your self-confidence?

[aldridal]

How's your self-confidence?

 

I wish I could say it's high, but in all honesty, not that great. I used to use the cliche` excuse that "my ex cheated on me, so therefore it wrecked me", but that's been almost 2 years ago, and even before that I didn't have a lot of self confidence.

[hexaemeron]

I wish I could say it's high, but in all honesty, not that great. I used to use the cliche` excuse that "my ex cheated on me, so therefore it wrecked me", but that's been almost 2 years ago, and even before that I didn't have a lot of self confidence.

 

Honestly, that's the key to this whole puzzle. She's choosing to be with you, man. She could have said "I'm going to have fun down there, peace" and did her thing. But she didn't do that. She's CHOOSING to be with you as you are. So remember that and remember that you're a good, caring person. Because, really, the only thing you can control is yourself, so you might as well feel good about yourself in the process, right?

[blueeyedme]

Hey, my ex 10 years ago cheated on me... hate to say it, but it never goes away. Caused me to be unreasonably suspicious and still makes me raise an eyebrow once in a while when I feel like I am seeing some of the signs. Which is completely unfair to my current gf.

 

Regarding your gf, keep in mind that the only reason, the only thing that keeps her around you is her desire to be with you. Nothing else keeps either of you in the relationship... so be happy, feel lucky, and look forward to the time when you are together again.

[vivir_a_medias]

I totally get where you're coming from. My boyfriend of six months leaves for Germany this week... even when he's home, I'm possessive, jealous and insecure. I check his facebook and email even though I know that's extreme. We're so in love -- but I don't trust him to be completely faithful to me for the three months in which he'll be gone, and I'm not sure why.

 

I don't think getting burned in the past has an expiration date, though. Trust issues don't go away -- we just have to learn to deal with them. (but I have no suggestions for that)

[tom1607307597]

I don't have much experience w/ long distance relationships but the fact that she is still keeping in touch with you sounds like a good sign things are fine between you two. She called you up and wants to send a care package, you guys skype together... c'mon it's not like you're calling occasionally and she's not interested in talking with you. It's probably fine, sounds like you're being a bit insecure right now with her being away.

[aldridal]

Honestly, that's the key to this whole puzzle. She's choosing to be with you, man. She could have said "I'm going to have fun down there, peace" and did her thing. But she didn't do that. She's CHOOSING to be with you as you are. So remember that and remember that you're a good, caring person. Because, really, the only thing you can control is yourself, so you might as well feel good about yourself in the process, right?

 

All good points. I also think it has to do with the fact I know she's down there having a good time, while I'm stuck back up in our college town, working and taking classes. To top it off, 90% of the campus is gone for the summer, so there's not a lot of people left that I know.

[blueeyedme]

...but the fact that she is still keeping in touch with you sounds like a good sign things are fine between you two...

 

That's a very good point. I had a former gf a couple of years ago who went to Japan for the summer...we barely talked and only traded a handful of emails. Needless to say, that was the end of the end. We broke up for good within a couple of weeks of her return.

[hexaemeron]

I totally get where you're coming from. My boyfriend of six months leaves for Germany this week... even when he's home, I'm possessive, jealous and insecure. I check his facebook and email even though I know that's extreme. We're so in love -- but I don't trust him to be completely faithful to me for the three months in which he'll be gone, and I'm not sure why.

 

I don't think getting burned in the past has an expiration date, though. Trust issues don't go away -- we just have to learn to deal with them. (but I have no suggestions for that)

 

Wow, keep that up and he won't be your boyfriend much longer. I'd honestly kick your behind to the curb for treating me that way.

[agent1607307371]

All good points. I also think it has to do with the fact I know she's down there having a good time, while I'm stuck back up in our college town, working and taking classes.

 

But I thought you said she was studying?

 

I bet she's not living it up as much as your imagination thinks she is.

[savignon]

I think with respect to these things, technology is a curse. I did a study abroad in 1997 and was away from my boyfriend for 3 months. Back then, the internet was quasi-new in terms of being readily available and there were no cell phones and very expensive phone cards. This meant we had a set time to chat each week and we would both make ourselves available for that. I think if I had been able to send a text or email regularly, I might have worried that he was out having a great time without me or losing interest by not writing right back....but there was none of that. And it made our phone calls more special

Why not develop some of your own interests and let her enjoy her trip? Do you really NEED to know what she's doing 30 times a day?

In summary: sometimes being available alllll the time just makes things more stressful and less enjoyable.

[aldridal]

But I thought you said she was studying?

 

I bet she's not living it up as much as your imagination thinks she is.

Well she's studying in Alabama through the National Student Exchange program. I know she has class from like 9-4 everyday, and then after that she goes for a run with a friend, eats dinner, and then is back at her place around 8 or 9 or so.

 

The problem I'm running into is right now, they're on a week long field trip to Florida, and I dunno, it's just setting off all of my insecurities and what not for some reason. I trust her, I really do, and these are issues I need to deal with internally. I don't snoop - although I have her passwords and she has mine. It's just that my anxiety has kicked in full force, and because of that, I can't sleep, which makes me even more anxious, and my thoughts run rampant.

 

 

I think with respect to these things, technology is a curse. I did a study abroad in 1997 and was away from my boyfriend for 3 months. Back then, the internet was quasi-new in terms of being readily available and there were no cell phones and very expensive phone cards. This meant we had a set time to chat each week and we would both make ourselves available for that. I think if I had been able to send a text or email regularly, I might have worried that he was out having a great time without me or losing interest by not writing right back....but there was none of that. And it made our phone calls more special

Why not develop some of your own interests and let her enjoy her trip? Do you really NEED to know what she's doing 30 times a day?

In summary: sometimes being available alllll the time just makes things more stressful and less enjoyable.

 

I think I can agree with this. I mean, I want her to have fun. I really do. And we talk pretty often considering how busy she's been. I think the biggest problem right now is like hex pointed out - self confidence issues. I also have SAD, which only compounds things (I guess they're related).

 

So, right now, I'm dealing with it. It's just so freaking annoying.