Relocating for Love

[ForeverHis2009]

Okay here it goes, bear with me...

 

Been in a most wonderful LDR for 14 months. We knew each other back in school many years ago. Thanks to social networking we reacquainted, magically hit it off & eventually fell in love. Mind you, we are both in our 40s. I have been divorced for 10 yrs, he never found the right woman to marry. Well as of last week we are now engaged. Oh did I mention 1798 miles separates us.

 

My fiancée works a family business, owns a small home with a great amount of equity built. No children...

 

I have 4 children- 22, 18, 16 & 13. Because of a single income I have been unable to purchase a house in our high priced Chicago suburb. Chose to move here after my divorce so my children can be in the good school district the area offers. Needless to say it has been a financial struggle but my kids never went without although they may tell you otherwise (you know like when their 16 yr old friend gets a car for their BDay in this affluent suburb). My oldest is getting married this year, 18 yr old graduates in a few weeks, 16 yr old graduates next yr, 13 yr old will graduate 8th grade next yr- Spring 2011.

 

Both he & I are extremely close to our family although his parents do not live in his state. My family is within an hour drive of me. My ex relocated to a neighboring state last year to be w/his gf. He picks n chooses when he sees the children (neither here or there really). He is okay with me moving our 13 yr old after she graduates 8th grade. I have desired to relocate to his state even before we became acquainted but figured I would wait til my children are grown. That was before him...

 

I love his area. It is affordable, great rated schools for my youngest & of course we would have the benefit of dual income ( I should probably be able to do a job transfer).

 

Dilemma... Why do I feel so darn guilty for wanting to move even though my 2 middle children will be in college & my oldest will be married? I told them they are welcome to come home to my new state during summer break but their friends are here. All my children LOVE my fiancée. As a matter of fact when my youngest lost her last baby tooth it was him that she called to share the exciting news rather than her dad. For the most part my youngest is excited about the move although she will miss seeing her dad for that (maybe) one night every other weekend. The possible move is still a year away and I am certain my 13 yr old just might change her mind a time or two at least before then. To what degree do I allow her or my other children to dictate whether or not I should relocate for love? I know without a doubt that it will be a good move for us but yes it is not going to be without some trepidation & heartache along the way.

[Atticus90]

Well, you can try to give them the pros and cons of staying here and the pros and cons of going there. I think your children can develop a wonderful relationship with your fiance. Your kids come first though before and decision is made, so basically you just have to convince them without doing it selfishly. Maybe you could take your daughter down where her dad is for an extended ammount of time during the year. maybe 1 month year around?

[abitbroken]

If your children were small and your ex were more nvolved, I wouldn't move them, but I think you should consider moving if you are engaged to this man. You have to be the parent and make the decision versus basing it on what the 13 year old wants to do. 8th grade is an easier age to start in another school than it will be if she transfers in 11th, etc. She has all of high school to establish friendships. heck, I didn't want to move to half the places my folks moved but if I had the say, then a lot of good things wouldn't have happened for the family.

 

I would even venture to get an apartment for a short time so he can "date" you as moving to a new town is a big adjustment and seeing him daily is a big adjustment even if its just for a few months. But that might not be as practical with the kids

[ForeverHis2009]

Maybe you could take your daughter down where her dad is for an extended ammount of time during the year. maybe 1 month year around?

 

Thats exactly my train of thought. In actuality if she were to come back to her dad for even a month during the summer she would have more time with him then she does now. Although he is legally able to have the children for 4 weeks during the summer he hasn't done that for a few years, 4 days out of the summer last year...

 

At the risk of sounding like I am bribing her I would allow her a cell phone for her to maintain unlimited contact with him as well as my other children. I feel it is important for her to do so.

 

You have to be the parent and make the decision versus basing it on what the 13 year old wants to do. 8th grade is an easier age to start in another school than it will be if she transfers in 11th, etc. She has all of high school to establish friendships. heck, I didn't want to move to half the places my folks moved but if I had the say, then a lot of good things wouldn't have happened for the family.

 

So true...guess sometimes as a single mom I take my kids opinions into consideration perhaps to the point of allowing them to dictate my actions.

 

I agree that the move would be easier for her before she starts high school. That is why I am aiming for next summer after she graduates 8th grade. I just didn't want to drag her there kicking & screaming because I know that it wouldn't be good for anyone involved. I want it to be an exciting experience for her. Guess we will see how her 1st visit there this summer goes.

 

My two middle children who will be in college at that point are not happy about the move. Guess they thought I would be here perhaps until they are completely settled in their lives. Although the mom in me would love to stay in close vicinity to all my children, as a woman I want to be with my soul mate- and he is that and so much more.

 

Thank you

[Shortpants]

I think that the kids being older is helpful as well. If they were younger I would be concerned about the move, but honestly I can't see that the timing could be much better. Going into high school would mean your youngest would be changing schools anyway, now that just means changing states now if you move. My dad moved us the summer before my 8th grade year when he got remarried and although I was peeved at the time, I got over it and did fine. I moved again to live with my Mom the summer before my Sophmore year, and again did fine. Kids are a ton more resillient than we give them credit for! I think as long as you have an open and honest relationship with your kids and explain to them what the situation is, your feelings, and you take the time to listen to their feelings about it, you might be suprized at their support of you and moving. You sound like it has been a well thought out potential move. My hubby moved 1500 miles to be with me, after much going back and forth about me moving there or him moving here. We had no kids involved, but it is still a huge decision. I see nothing wrong with moving to be with the one you love, and I'm sure your kids will be happy for you and proud that their Mom is persuing her happiness. Good luck and be happy!

[ForeverHis2009]

Why is it then despite all the logic I have mulled through in my head to justify moving to my fiancée over the past few weeks do I feel so guilty for leaving my older children here in our home state? My 18yr old will be starting college at the time I relocate (probably in state). My oldest will be married and of course my son will be in his 2nd year of college at the time.

 

Honestly do I have reason to feel selfish & guilty?

 

At this point if I didn't relocate my youngest would be so disappointed.

 

Guess I am just airing out my confused heart. If only I could have everyone I deeply love in one area....

[abitbroken]

Why is it then despite all the logic I have mulled through in my head to justify moving to my fiancée over the past few weeks do I feel so guilty for leaving my older children here in our home state? My 18yr old will be starting college at the time I relocate (probably in state). My oldest will be married and of course my son will be in his 2nd year of college at the time.

 

Honestly do I have reason to feel selfish & guilty?

 

At this point if I didn't relocate my youngest would be so disappointed.

 

Guess I am just airing out my confused heart. If only I could have everyone I deeply love in one area....

 

Well - you are not leaving them. They are free to move with you if they choose and attend college where you are, or anywhere else in between. Actually, I had a friend who stayed behind and was in her second year in college. Her parents moved back to their home state due to work. She chose to stay and lived in the dorm. They gave their blessing. She decided to live near school a year after graduation but ultimately relocated near her parents. If your kids stayed in school in your original state, it would be like they went away to college. But sort of in reverse.

 

My sister-in-law met my brother at school. My sister in law's brother lived in the area and was graduating from the same school that they both attended. Their parents lived 8 hours away. They had eachother. My SIL was in the dorm and her brother lived off campus with roommates and then eventually bought a condo.

 

Also, where does your married child live in relation unless I asked this before? If they are within an hour or two, not that they would have the sons live with them, but at least there would be family in the area.

 

Also, if they stay behind, reassure them they won't be fending for themselves. If you were helping them pay for college, assure them that they are still doing that, they will just have to find a place and be roommates together or stay in the dorm or live in Aunt Helga's basement for the semester. Maybe the married sibling knows of people with a room for rent or wanting a roomate...or they could decide to move out to where you are