My boyfriend stood up for me against my father

[ers04d]

Ok so my entire life, my dad has always been emotional abusive to me and my mother. He is a very controlling person and most of the time he just acts like a normal person. But if we aren’t doing something exactly the way he wants it done, he will start yelling at us and sometimes throws things. Two really big examples that stand out are: (1) when I was 5 or 6 my dad and I had gotten subway and brought it home to eat. He had put my food on my plate and I was walking into the living room when I accidentally dropped my plate and it broke on the floor. My dad got so mad that he kicked a hole in our pantry door. (2) About a year ago, my dad and I were driving back from a taekwondo tournament. We stopped at my boyfriend’s and mine apartment to eat dinner and to drop me off (I go to college and live in a different city). My boyfriend wasn’t there. When we got there, I discovered that my hamster had escaped from her cage and didn’t survive the fall off the table her cage sat on. Well my dad started yelling at me about how messy the apartment was and that he and my mom were going to come up the following weekend and make sure I cleaned it. My boyfriend and I pay for our own rent by the way.

 

Ok, so that is some background, and now onto the most recent incident. So yesterday my boyfriend and I went over to my house to help with yard work. This is normal weekend plans. My boyfriend sat in the car and finished his lunch. I had stopped eating so that I could help my mom bag the grass clippings from the lawn mower so that she could take a break. When my boyfriend was done he went inside to get something to drink. I realized that he had left my food in the car so I stopped what I was doing to go my food inside so I could finish it later. I was gone for maybe 2 minutes. When my boyfriend and I came back out to finish with the grass, my dad was trying the get the lawn mower onto the walking path to get it in the backyard. When he saw me he turned it off and started yelling at me because I had left the rack out and there was a trash bag in his way and he threw his ear muffs at the fence and they broke, then he discovered that he somehow got a flat tire on the mower and then threw his ear muffs again and they broke further. So I just let him keep yelling while I started to move stuff and finish bagging the grass and he told me to not touch anything and get out of there. So I got really upset and went inside at started crying and told my mom what had just happened. Then my boyfriend went outside and told my dad that he needs to learn how to treat his family better and they got into a huge yelling match, and my dad told him to get off his property. (My dad 100% loved my boyfriend before this happened. We had all just gone out to eat the night before). So we got my laundry and our puppy (she hangs out at their house on the weekends) and left.

 

Now my dad never wants to see my boyfriend again and was completely shocked that I wasn’t planning on going back over to their house that day. I am still partially financially tied to my dad. With my graduate student pay I cannot afford to be on my own without his help, and the graduate school has a policy that I can’t have a second job. I haven’t spoken to my dad since that happened and my mom isn’t speaking to him either. My dad is probably going to treat this like nothing ever happened and everything will be the same as it was before except that he never wants to see my boyfriend again which we really sucks because I am most likely going to end up marrying my boyfriend.

[KG]

Yikes! I would ask your Mom to speak with him.

[DN]

He probably won't take it from you but he needs to get into anger-management treatment. Perhaps your mother could persuade him.

[hexaemeron]

Your father needs anger management like, yesterday. I do think your mom should intervene and basically let him know he's being a total douchebag. Has he ever been outright physically abusive to you or your mom that you know of?

[ers04d]

Yikes! I would ask your Mom to speak with him.

 

My mom tried talking to him yesterday and he keeps saying that I deserved it because I wasn't doing what I was suppose to be doing and he keeps making excuses for why my boyfriend said something to him by saying that my boyfriend's family is crazy and that my boyfriend is ending up just like his crazy family (my parents aren't too fond of my boyfriend's family). It got the point where my mom told my dad to not make her choose between him and me because he would not like the outcome. He will never think that he did anything wrong. He never has my entire life.

 

He probably won't take it from you but he needs to get into anger-management treatment. Perhaps your mother could persuade him.

 

I completely agree with you, but that would probably be a death wish if my mom or I even mentioned it. He doesn't respect my mother as an equal. He treats her just as bad. My dad and I usually go out to eat by ourselves because if all three of us go, my dad makes fun of her the whole time and I have to tell them to stop fighting at the table.

 

Your father needs anger management like, yesterday. I do think your mom should intervene and basically let him know he's being a total douchebag. Has he ever been outright physically abusive to you or your mom that you know of?

 

He has never been physically abusive to us. I would know if he had hit my mom. She tells me everything. No one has ever stood up to him like my boyfriend did yesterday, but I know my mom has tried to say stuff before, but my dad just ignores her.

[Cheeks18]

I once was the BF that stood up for his GF to her parents, and in the end it worked out. They we're mentally abusive to her.....I got in a yelling match with both parents....I ended up apologizing and they got over it....Maybe have your BF call your dad and let your dad know that he was out of line and it wont happen again??

 

Then focus on more constructive ways to get your dad into some sort of anger managment classes??

[Happy Bunny]

Your dad sounds just like mine. Know this: nothing you do will ever change him, because he thinks he has a God-given right to treat you this way. Men who act this way are cruel and misogynistic. Total control freaks.

 

Get through school and then cut your ties with him. They don't get better with age, trust me.

 

My mom tried talking to him yesterday and he keeps saying that I deserved it because I wasn't doing what I was suppose to be doing and he keeps making excuses for why my boyfriend said something to him by saying that my boyfriend's family is crazy and that my boyfriend is ending up just like his crazy family (my parents aren't too fond of my boyfriend's family). It got the point where my mom told my dad to not make her choose between him and me because he would not like the outcome. He will never think that he did anything wrong. He never has my entire life.

 

Your mom will be in the wrong--it will be her fault somehow, that she coddles you, she takes your side...something. Any excuse he can find to avoid taking the blame for his own actions. And if he treats you like that, I'm sure he treats her even worse. Always has and always will.

 

Does your dad drink a lot? Just curious.

 

I completely agree with you, but that would probably be a death wish if my mom or I even mentioned it. He doesn't respect my mother as an equal. He treats her just as bad. My dad and I usually go out to eat by ourselves because if all three of us go, my dad makes fun of her the whole time and I have to tell them to stop fighting at the table.

I rest my case. And you're running the risk of resenting your mom for putting up with it. I did, and still do to a certain extent. I couldn't understand why she subjected herself and us kids to that for so long. Now I sort of understand, but IMO it's just excuses. She should have left him long before she did, for our sake. But that has nothing to do with your situation.

 

He has never been physically abusive to us. I would know if he had hit my mom. She tells me everything. No one has ever stood up to him like my boyfriend did yesterday, but I know my mom has tried to say stuff before, but my dad just ignores her.

They don't have to be physically abusive. Emotional cruelty is a lot worse. Bruises heal, but the emotional scars never do.

 

Seriously, finish school and then have nothing to do with him. You don't need that in your life. Or work something out with your boyfriend--I think he'll understand and you can come to some kind of arrangement. I realize that's putting more pressure on him and it's not entirely fair, but if I were you I'd find a way to cut my losses.

[Happy Bunny]

I once was the BF that stood up for his GF to her parents, and in the end it worked out. They we're mentally abusive to her.....I got in a yelling match with both parents....I ended up apologizing and they got over it....Maybe have your BF call your dad and let your dad know that he was out of line and it wont happen again??

 

Then focus on more constructive ways to get your dad into some sort of anger managment classes??

 

No, absolutely he should NOT call her father and apologize. Ever. That is the worst thing he could do. He needs to stand up and not back down. That's what her father wants and it's playing right into his hands. If her boyfriend allows him to control him now, it will never stop.

[KG]

No, absolutely he should NOT call her father and apologize. Ever. That is the worst thing he could do. He needs to stand up and not back down. That's what her father wants and it's playing right into his hands. If her boyfriend allows him to control him now, it will never stop.

 

Exactly, he will be even worse.

[Cheeks18]

Seriously its not the BF's place to be saying anything...Its a BF not a Husband.....

[Happy Bunny]

Seriously its not the BF's place to be saying anything...Its a BF not a Husband.....

 

NO friend--boyfriend, husband, best friend, male or female, would stand by and watch someone they care about being abused by ANYONE. Her boyfriend was well within his rights. If he doesn't stand up for her, who's going to?

 

Men like the OP's father are expert manipulators. Give him 5 minutes and he'll have the boyfriend thinking it was HIS fault.

[ers04d]

That completely sums up my dad. He does not drink by the way. He does treat my mom worse and she told me the reason why she stayed with him and put up with it and I do not resent her for it and I don't think I ever will. I talked to her a little while ago and she told me that she is going to talk to him when he calms down enough and if he doesn't admit that he did anything wrong, then she is going to look into getting a divorce. I am so close to being able to cut my financial ties and it is so frustrating. My boyfriend is fully dependent on his parents financially because they would rather him focus on college instead of working so he only works during the summers. Asking him to help me financially would be like asking them. We have been dating for four years and the only reason we aren't married is because he is waiting until he is no longer financially dependent as well.

 

One other thing that bothers me is that even though he does this to me, I still love him and would have an extremely hard time cut him off completely. I want him to be a part of my life, but just not be able to hold anything over me so that I can just walk away when he does stuff like this.

[Happy Bunny]

That completely sums up my dad. He does not drink by the way. He does treat my mom worse and she told me the reason why she stayed with him and put up with it and I do not resent her for it and I don't think I ever will. I talked to her a little while ago and she told me that she is going to talk to him when he calms down enough and if he doesn't admit that he did anything wrong, then she is going to look into getting a divorce.

 

Good for her. Make sure she does it. If I were her, I wouldn't tell him that's what she's doing, though. He will make her life a living hell. She needs to start planning now--put money away where he can't find it and doesn't know about it, and when the time comes, just leave. If she does it while he's there, he'll try to stop her, and it'll get real ugly real fast.

 

I am so close to being able to cut my financial ties and it is so frustrating. My boyfriend is fully dependent on his parents financially because they would rather him focus on college instead of working so he only works during the summers. Asking him to help me financially would be like asking them. We have been dating for four years and the only reason we aren't married is because he is waiting until he is no longer financially dependent as well.

I understand, and it is hard. I moved out at 18 just so I wouldn't have to be under that roof anymore, and put myself through school without their help. I don't owe them anything, and boy am I glad of it.

 

One other thing that bothers me is that even though he does this to me, I still love him and would have an extremely hard time cut him off completely. I want him to be a part of my life, but just not be able to hold anything over me so that I can just walk away when he does stuff like this.

 

Well, that's entirely up to you, and I wish you the best of luck. But let me ask you a question. How will you handle it when he starts treating your children the same way?

[generaldiscord]

I can understand why your dad is furious. Control freaks HATE being told off by someone lower down on the food chain. Many of them seem to have short term memories though.

 

Once, in band camp, I was seriously sleep deprived and poured hot coffee into a glass. There I was, with my hand burned and cut by the broken glass, pants dripping wet with hot coffee, and the director just screamed and screamed at me for making myself useless at concert. I was so emotionally upset that I wanted to vomit... Then he fired the only person who told him to lay off. By the next day he was fine though. I wasn't.

 

Thing is, you're a graduate student. You shouldn't be chewed out over a bag of grass clippings. You shouldn't be lectured rudely on the importance of putting things away. I know you're financially dependent, but that's not important. He won't cut you off over the crass clippings, the ear muffs, or the boyfriend. Even if he did, you're mom is still there. You owe them your devotion for the money, but you don't owe them your entire life and soul, so don't feel guilty over the money.

 

Put your foot down, come to the house when you feel like, but do NOT apologize for your boyfriends behavior. Give him a couple days to cool down, and keep in touch with your mother to test the waters before visiting. He'll never get better, but maybe someday soon you can stand up to yourself.

[cazmoore]

Seriously its not the BF's place to be saying anything...Its a BF not a Husband.....

 

So, what if you were on the street and you saw that a father was yelling at his child, calling him all sorts of abusive names, or speaking to his wife like that in public - do you "not get involved?" No, you do get involved. Sometimes it's good to embarrass these people, because this guy thinks that he can get away with EVERYTHING.

 

You know what, my dad is exactly the same. Not a word of a lie. My dad worked at one of the Big 3 for nearly 30 years and he brought in the money and he treated EVERYONE in my family like GARBAGE. He use to call my mother a parasite because she wasn't making as much money as him, he use to call my brother a wimp because he'd cry when my dad would call his girlfriend a fat b8tch, but me? Oh hell no. I give it right back. I remember my dad grabbed my neck during a screaming match and i punched him right in the stomach. I remember him calling me the C word when were weren't talking to each other but under his breath. "You little c...." He use to flick on the light switches when my mum was sleeping and he'd come in drunk because he wouldn't let her get any sleep because she was this, and that. He took my brother's hockey stick and smashed the lights in the basement because my mom was trying to work (she worked from home) and wouldn't go out and get a bag of milk. Yeah. I know exactly how men like your dad work, and apologizing - ABSOLUTELY NOT.

 

No, you boyfriend does not have to call and apologize. You mother should carry on as normal and come and see you at your apartment and you should all stand united in this and let him know this is not approprite.

 

And trust me - my dad pays for my nursing school.. I know all about the abuse with holding money. If your dad doesn't help pay for school for you because your boyfriend brought him down a notch, he should be ashamed of himself.

 

My dad at least, even when he didn't care for my boyfriend, still paid for my tuition because he wants to see me to well. Any parent who doesn't want to see their children do well or pay for school out of spite, should be disgusted with themselves. And yes - anger management is on order. Totally.

[oldenoughtoknow]

It sounds like your BF is a pretty stand up guy. He just might be a keeper. Years ago, I walked away from both of my parents, under similar circumstances, when I was going to grad school. I certainly didn't apologize, and it did blow over after a few weeks.

 

Your father sounds very similar to mine. And sometimes, after this type of person has a chance to calm down, they emerge with actually a slight bit more respect for anyone who "dares" stand up to them. I'm not suggesting that will be your certain outcome, but the possibility is there.

 

So in any event, do NOT apologize to him. Stand your ground...by your BF's side, and your mother's...if she can handle it. Don't provoke him, but try as hard as you can to show him that his asinine behavior isn't rattling any of you in the slightest. People can choose to act like this for myriad reasons. But whatever their reason, the best way to bring them back to normal is to call them on their sh*t, and stay calm and unaffected by their outbursts. Think of it as training an insolent child. Once he sees that his pack isn't following his b*llsh*t, he'll eventually try his own version of the behavior you suggest to make himself feel in control and respected.

 

It sounds like you have a great partner and a wonderful start in your adult life. Don't let a barbed purse string alter you from your course. Your father's life has already been ruined by his own behavior. You need to do what's best for YOU and your future.

[Taikero]

Keep your backbone, never back down, never apologize, never give in to abuse.

 

Once you're done with graduate school, it'll be pretty easy to tell your father to enroll in anger management classes or forget seeing you again.

[Hermes]

Yes, Happy Bunny!

 

They don't have to be physically abusive. Emotional cruelty is a lot worse. Bruises heal, but the emotional scars never do.

I am so glad someone else is standing up and saying this.

 

Men who act this way are cruel and misogynistic. Total control freaks.

 

And not normal, that's for sure.

 

he needs to get into anger-management treatment

 

That, at the very least. Not that he will go. People like that don't think they are in the wrong. Everyone else is out of step with the world, except them.

 

H