I'm Afraid My Boyfriend of 4 Years is Gay

[helloarizona]

I'm completely new to asking for help via forums, but I'm feeling pretty desperate and figured it would be worth a try. I'd really appreciate any serious input from you all!

 

I've been dating a truly wonderful, genuinely nice man for four years. We are attending different universities and are both quite young; he is 22 and I am 19. I realize that the fact that he is this young may mean that he has not yet fully come to understand his sexuality, although it seems most young adults this age have. We are both liberal people in a conservative area, and he is well aware of how open and supportive I am of homosexuality/homosexual rights. Call me paranoid or even judgmental, but here are the stereotypical reasons for my suspicions:

 

1. His music genre of choice is trance and down tempo trip-hop.

2. He is very conscious (even anal) of his appearance and straightens his hair daily.

3. He is rarely the initiator of sex, although during sex he is quite the animal.

4. He occasionally turns down sex.

5. After asking him openly once if he was bisexual, he expressed unsureness and said that he'd never been around "attractive guys, so he wouldn't know".

 

To counter my suspicions of his heterosexuality, his stereotypical straight interests of his include:

 

1. An interest (even fascination) with guns, knives, and other "manly" weapons.

2. The only time I have come accross pornography in his history, it was heterosexual and nude women.

3. He is interested in cars, drives a manual sports car and enjoys working on/fixing his car.

 

After typing this inquiry, I feel a bit ashamed at how strongly I apparently pay attention to stereotypical aspects of gay.straight culture. Perhaps he has a slightly lower libido (we have sex about once a week due to the distance apart, but I'd like to have it more) than the average man? Or perhaps he is simply a bit effeminate compared to the testosterone-loaded fraternity brothers I'm used to being around. Is it really possible for a man to be completed monogamous, never expressing interest in other women or even the slightest amount of disrespect? Is this wonderful relationship too good to be true and he is actually gay?

 

Again, I'd appreciate any advice or comments. Be nice but honest, as I'm feeling sensitive and unsure of this issue.

[digger11]

well, the stereotypical comments don't help at all.... you really have no reason to be suspicious in my opinion.

[Mauxly]

Hr doesn't sound gay to me. Maybe you feel that this is too good to be true and are looking for that one thing...you know?

[sidehop]

I think you're being a bit paranoid in this case; you said he's wonderful and genuinely a nice man. Why not enjoy for who he is

[helloarizona]

Mauxly and sidehop, that is a really great suggestion. I am just struggling with the idea that the relationship could be a great as it is. Thank you guys for responding and reassuring me!

[addictedblue]

What struck me as gay was the straightening of his hair, the fact that he expressed unsureness about your question of bisexuality, and that your relationship is perfect.

 

No straight guy I have ever met would straighten his hair. That's just so weird to me. Also, in my experience with straight guys, they are always pretty adamant that they are straight. ALSO, gay guys make perfect best friends for girls a lot of the time, which could be a reason you and him never have problems.

 

I think your argument is valid...the question is...what can you do about it?

[Atticus90]

Might just be a low libido?

i used to have really long hair as a kid and i'd straighten it sometimes to keep it from looking goofy curly and im completely straight.

[Simply Sweet]

Maybe I would have to meet him to truly get why you posted this...because he sounds like nice straight guy to me. Most guys care more about their appearance than we woman usually think to be the case, he just openly expresses it more...and every guy has a different libido, as do women. I've known some ladies that were much more apt to ask for sex than their men.

 

I don't want to imply something that's not there...but it sort of sounds like you're just trying to find something that's not there to be found. Maybe you should take a look inside yourself and see if this relationship is really what you want.

Most girls will deny total proof that their guy is gay instead of trying to come up with things that in reality just implies he might be a little more expressive than some men.

 

Just a small thought. He sounds like a great guy though...try not to read too much into it.

But, if you ever find some man on man action stashed away, then you might have a problem!

 

P.S. I've known a few guys that were more into straightening their hair than some girls I know. Everyone is different...I for example have really short hair, hate pink/dresses/makeup/most girly things. I've had people accuse me before of being gay, but I am definitely into guys, not girls!!

[helloarizona]

Addictedblue, the characteristics you referred to are what I find strange also.

 

But seeing as he is liberal/accepting of gay people and has never expressed any aversion to homosexuality, I thought he would therefore be accepting of his own possibly homosexuality. This may not be true though, it's so tricky.

 

What can I do about it though? I have tried to confront him 2 or 3 times, and he looks at me like I'm crazy when I do and states that he is straight. But the hair straightening thing is the most odd to me indeed.

[helloarizona]

SimplySweet, I think you might be exactly right that I'm looking for something that's not there, and that he is simply more expressive/concerned with his appearance. I always find myself thinking "this relationship is too good to be true" and then end up with this scenario as to how it is in fact, not too good to be true. What a silly way to live my life.

[Atticus90]

SimplySweet, I think you might be exactly right that I'm looking for something that's not there, and that he is simply more expressive/concerned with his appearance. I always find myself thinking "this relationship is too good to be true" and then end up with this scenario as to how it is in fact, not too good to be true. What a silly way to live my life.

 

I'm sort of the same way. In my life I've always had problems. I come from a lower class family. I always struggled and all that mumbo jumbo. And when something good happens I don't even get happy because my mind is so used to being worried or upset that it compensates and creats a new problem in my head.

 

He sounds a like a good guy. He really does. Give him a break lol. May be a little odd, but arent we all? hehe

[Simply Sweet]

Don't worry...a lot of people go through that stage. But...I would be careful, I ruined a lot of good relationships and friendships because I believed them "too good to be true."

 

One of me good friends is also this way...she hates when she and her boyfriend are happy so much that she creates arguments that wouldn't normally have happened because of her inability to see that they were good for each other...she needed the arguments in order to cope. It's ruined their relationship and now are only together because of the child they share.

[helloarizona]

Haha, Atticus you make a good point about giving the guy a break. I'm also sort of used to worrying/anxiety and it projects into aspects of my life which are actually good. Thank you so much for your input, I really appreciate it.

 

And SimplySweet, my goodness that is an unfortunate outcome for your friend's relationship! I certainly wouldn't want this situation to end up ruining or damaging the relationship. What a wake up call.

[MikNomis]

1. His music genre of choice is trance and down tempo trip-hop.

2. He is very conscious (even anal) of his appearance and straightens his hair daily.

3. He is rarely the initiator of sex, although during sex he is quite the animal.

4. He occasionally turns down sex.

5. After asking him openly once if he was bisexual, he expressed unsureness and said that he'd never been around "attractive guys, so he wouldn't know".

1. I didn't know gay people like trance I love trance as well but I'm not gay. I think this doesn't have anything to do with it.

2. I'd call this pretty boy. You can safely be assured this is no sign of gayness.

3 and 4. Read around here and the internet, it is all too common for a guy not to be the typical 'horndog.' Most are of course, but just saying that a fair amount of straight ones are also not horndogs.

5. Sounds to me like he's just being honest and not a homophobe that the typical manly dude is. I joke all the time that I might be gay, though I'm joking. Even if your boyfriend sounded serious, take it as him just saying one cannot completely know something without trying.

 

I see no red flags here, so don't worry.

[sophie274]

The signs that would make me worry about a boyfriend being gay (several in combination, except for the last one that would be a red alert no matter what):

- not enjoying sex, and rarely rarely having sex with me

- having had previous experiences with men

- any kind of mention of things like "if you hear I'm gay, that's not true", "you saved me from being gay", "I thought I was gay until I met you", that kind of thing

 

In your case, I don't see any reason to suspect that he is gay.

[hexaemeron]

I don't think he's gay. And I am gay.

[TechResQ]

If he is as liberal and accepting as you say and you have actually asked him if he is gay and he adamantly says NO, then I wouldn't worry about it. Unless he is a habitual liar and you don't believe a word he says anyway. But I have a feeling this is not the case.

 

I say, you have a great guy, so just relax and let him be himself. ;-) Feel lucky that you have a good one!

[Gath]

1. His music genre of choice is trance and down tempo trip-hop.

2. He is very conscious (even anal) of his appearance and straightens his hair daily.

3. He is rarely the initiator of sex, although during sex he is quite the animal.

4. He occasionally turns down sex.

5. After asking him openly once if he was bisexual, he expressed unsureness and said that he'd never been around "attractive guys, so he wouldn't know".

 

The only one there that could be a sign he's not straight is number 5. If he's sexually attracted to other men, then that would imply he's homosexual. Certain music types mean nothing, neither does caring about his appearance, or how often he wants sex.

 

After typing this inquiry, I feel a bit ashamed at how strongly I apparently pay attention to stereotypical aspects of gay.straight culture. Perhaps he has a slightly lower libido (we have sex about once a week due to the distance apart, but I'd like to have it more) than the average man? Or perhaps he is simply a bit effeminate compared to the testosterone-loaded fraternity brothers I'm used to being around. Is it really possible for a man to be completed monogamous, never expressing interest in other women or even the slightest amount of disrespect? Is this wonderful relationship too good to be true and he is actually gay?

 

Uh, yeah. You really need to think about some things. Your sexuality isn't what you do or the clothes you wear, its who you are.

 

And yes, its entirely plausible for a guy to be monogamous and never be stupid enough to tell you that he thinks that chick in Starbucks is hotter than you are. I think you must hang out with some real jerks if you're used to your boyfriends behaving that way.

[SnowFox]

Many, many years ago I briefly dated a guy who I later learned had come out as gay.

 

I will describe our dating situation for you, just as an example.

 

He pursued me- called me, planned dates, picked me up, etc. He was hip and stylish and had a really cool vintage car.

 

On one date, he cooked me dinner, and then offered to give me a back massage. Normally this is when a guy tries to make a move, but he didn't.

 

After 6 or 7 dates where we had lots of fun, laughing, etc, he still hadn't tried to kiss me.

 

Finally one night after a date, we were sitting outside my house in his car and I somehow mentioned that we hadn't kissed. He then grabbed me and we kissed like mad for almost an hour. I can't recall what he gave as a reason for not trying before then.

 

Then a week went by and I didn't hear from him. He finally called and told me that while he was "physically attracted to me" and "intellectually attracted to me," he wasn't "emotionally attracted to me."

 

It was such an odd thing to say to someone. But when I later heard through the grapevine that he had been seen out with men, all the pieces fit together.

[Lamour detruit]

I have to say, I might have done a mixture of a headpalm a long with some head scratching here reading this.

 

Your reasons for thinking he's gay seem pretty..strange..and off the mark. I saw someone in this thread say that the hair straightening seemed gay, but I have no doubt plenty of guys with longer hair do this.

 

If this is what you consider to be gay..then there must be a wholeeee lotta guys out there that don't realize they need to come out of the closet.

[getbiii]

i don't think he is gay, i think you just have a stereotype of what a man is!

especial todays modern day man!

lol

 

the only thing kinda gay is him not being sure about his sexuality.

but you never know!

he might have been just teasing you and you didn't notice,

i remember once at a party a girl that was clearly hitting on me, asked me some question and i kept playing around with her and telling her i was gay and my boyfriend would get mad!

i made it sound serious, but by the end of the night...

she was hot, it was a joke and things happened

[teabee]

1. His music genre of choice is trance and down tempo trip-hop.

2. He is very conscious (even anal) of his appearance and straightens his hair daily.

3. He is rarely the initiator of sex, although during sex he is quite the animal.

4. He occasionally turns down sex.

5. After asking him openly once if he was bisexual, he expressed unsureness and said that he'd never been around "attractive guys, so he wouldn't know".

1. So far the people I know who like this kind of music are actually straight. There's really no association.

2. My bf cares very much about how his hair looks. If it looked best straightened, I'm sure he would straighten it everyday.

3. He sounds like he's into sex with you! That's a good thing.

4. It happens. Don't buy into the stereotype that all men want sex constantly. It feels crappy to be rejected occasionally, but try not to take it personally OR assume he might be gay based on that.

5. As others have said, this is the only one that kinda makes me go "hmm." He could just be THAT open to non-hetero orientations that he is simply doesn't display the "I'M NOT GAY" knee-jerk that we've come to expect from a lot of guys who fear to be labelled as gay.

 

All in all, I really wouldn't worry. Not based on the things you mentioned.

[helloarizona]

I'd really like to thank all of you for responding to my thread with such honesty and directness. I definitely needed some rational feedback to reflect on. I truly appreciate the replies!

[givinggirl]

I don't think he's gay either. I dated and married a man who I discovered after our honeymoon to be a closet gay.

 

Looking back, the signs were he had themed rooms in his house, he liked to talk about people being gay (but acted homophobic), he was waiting for marriage to have sex (which never happened), he collected a certain kind of Christmas ornament, spent more time in the mall than I did, was way too concerned with wedding plans and details, and was way too close to his mother.

 

But, he was in a fraternity in college, had tons of straight male friends (no gay friends), he watched football all the time, and chewed tobacco.

 

I found out that he had male bondage porn on his computer and a profile on link removed where he was chatting with other men and also bragging about pulling the wool over my eyes. Everything about him was a lie. He lied to his family, friends, co-workers...and I'm not just talking about being gay, but he would just make up things that never happened or say people said things they never said. I only know this from reading his emails and messages when I was trying to find proof that he was gay like my gut was screaming to me. I was his cover story because he wanted people to think he was straight.