Tired of taking a "break" - write a letter?

[bluenote]

My ex-girlfriend asked for a break 2 months and a week ago (started out as "one week to think about things" and has become an indefinite time - she hasn't communicated anything further about the state of the relationship). During that time, she texted me to wish me a happy birthday 3 weeks ago, and we met for a drink a week and half ago. The meeting went well, so I thought, and was upbeat and lighthearted. I thought there were signs of some chemistry, and she seemed very comfortable. We didn't discuss the relationship or another meeting. She didn't contact me for a week, so I sent her a text saying "it was great catching up with you!" and to tell her that I got a new job near where she works. She texted back with a short "That's fantastic. Congratulations!".

 

I still feel like I'm still close to square one (although I've been eating again, sleeping and getting out more). I've been seeing a therapist, and trying to get out with friends and family and involved; but I am still waking up crying almost every morning after dreaming about her. I'm still having a lot of trouble concentrating and focusing on anything but her. I think a lot about how great our relationship was in most aspects, and how if only we could talk things out objectively, there's no issue that we couldn't resolve, and make the relationship even better than it was before.

 

But, it seems like she is completely avoiding me; won't bring closure to the relationship, but won't communicate further it seems.

 

I'm thinking of writing her a letter if I don't hear from her in the next 2-3 weeks with the following points:

 

- I understand that you needed time apart, and I accept that.

- This time has been helpful for me, and I've done a lot of thinking and sorting out the role I might have played in you wanting time apart. I know that I could have done better. The ironic thing is, I want nothing more than to prove now that these things could be even better if we give our relationship another shot. But I appreciate that you perhaps don't want to continue.

- I respect the fact that you need time. But, I have no idea where your heart is in this matter; and I feel like I need to move on.

- I just wish we could have an objective conversation and talk through what came between us.

 

I know that this will possibly bring an end to whatever threads of the relationship we still have, based on the fact that it will reveal my true desires for a reconciliation, and push her further. I think that she may be seeing her ex-boyfriend again, but I just don't know.

 

I just feel like 2+ months someone should know whether they want to be with someone, and that she would be knocking down my door if she really wanted reconciliation. But then again, maybe she still is just evaluating her life outside of "us". I just don't know, and it's slowly killing me.

 

I just can't understand what her motives would be for meeting the other week, unless it's purely out of curiosity to see what I've been up to. And now that she knows some of that, maybe the need has been satisfied, and she is continuing to pull away and ease out the relationship further. But I've gotten such mixed signals these past 2 months that I don't know what to think.

 

What could be the impact of a letter like this? I feel like I just want to get closure (which I know from reading these boards that many people never will get), and that sending this may bring an end to the relationship. But, it might help me move on, and stop these incessant thoughts about her, and allow me to be able to live my life again and become a whole person if at least I know it's over. I hate being strung along this - it's not fair after the depth and closeness of the relationship we had.

 

I deperately would like a chance at reconciliation, but know that I can't count on anything since I don't how she feels. I am really trying hard to move on, but it's been difficult. Everywhere I go, I constantly think, "I should be here with her." Every movie I watch, I think "she should be watching this with me;" every morning I wake up and I just can't understand how it came to be that she is not in the bed next to me. I know the right mode of thinking is to think "screw her, I shouldn't want her if she apparently doesn't want me," but this mindset is MUCH easier said than done.

 

I expect most people might advise to remain NIC, and not send a letter like this, but I just don't know what to do. I have read a lot of posts now on ENA, but I just can't seem to bring myself to know what the right thing is my situation (an ironic situation that Learning2relax has referred to before).

[jimbojones100]

I totally know what you're going through. I feel bad for you. It sucks. Unfortunately, trying to reason with her will not work. She didn't make her original decision based on reason, but on heart.

 

I think such a letter will move you forward one way or another. Either she'll realize that she needs to decide whether to be with you, or whether it's truly over.

 

I don't see why it needs to be a letter. I think that talk would be better done in person, for effect.

 

Two months may very well not be enough time to decide what she wants to do though. If you two were together for a while, two months really isn't enough time to get over the breakup, heal, and grow. She may still be getting over it all.

[Pinnsvini]

I think you need to accept this isn't a "break", it's a "break up", and she has you under her thumb with this concept of being "on a break"; she can play around and do what she wants and if the fancy takes her- which it hasn't in nine weeks- she can get you back. You need to start treating this as a break up, write the letter if you want but it will only confirm this is a permanent break, but that may give you the push you need to start moving on and stop sitting hoping you'll get back together.

[learning2relax]

BN -

 

I feel for you. I know where you are at. My ex started by asking for space. So I gave him a few days. Still angry with me and feeling like I was crowding. Said he needed space. I gave him a week. Same response. I gave him 2. Same. Then things came to an end. It sucked. I stayed in contact. I tried every so often of giving him time and then trying to get him to re-engage. The answer was No. The last conversation that we had almost 2 months ago he told me that his mind was made up. He doesn't go back when he makes up his mind (although I have TONS of examples to the contrary including the last time he broke up with me - the first time) but I didn't fight it. I told him I was disappointed and said that I accepted it. He stated he felt that I wasn't the one and that he knew that because he didn't feel for me the way he felt for his wife when he was as far into the relationship with her as he was with me. Now, we all know there are TONS of differences that can be referenced (e.g. he was in his 30's when he met her, he is going to be 50 this month, we worked together and had to keep our relationship under wraps, etc....). The fact is no matter what he said, cited, felt, it didn't matter. He wasn't ready to try again at the point in time that we were having the conversation. At work, I have started to get a ton of mixed messages. This all started up and becomes more obvious as time passes since we had that last conversation and as a result, I park on the complete other side of the huge lot every day, I removed his ability to see the details of my calendar entries, I never walk by his desk any more unless I am on my way to see someone else and even then I try and take a different path most time (unless I am not thinking about it - which is a good thing). But even as confusing as the mixed messages are and hamper my abilities to move on as quickly as I would like to, it is better than the alternative where he was avoiding me (after we broke up).

 

I think the bottom line is that no matter the reason that caused them to react and end the relationship (they may not even fully understand it other than they were feeling a certain way and needed it to stop and this was the quickest way they knew how - maybe there was another day but they may be desperate at that point), they need to get away from it for relief and to possibly try and understand why they feel the way they do or what is causing this. They may realize that it was their own cognitive distortion or fear and work to overcome it and realize that they want to be with you and ask for another opportunity. You have all the power at that point and it is purely your decision. In the meantime, the best thing to do is give them the space they request to go figure things out.

 

I know that nothing pains me more than to think of him with someone else. But intelligently, I also know that this could also be the best thing that could happen. Perhaps being with someone else will make him realize what he gave up. Maybe it won't. But outside of the relationship, my chances are really equal for all intense purposes.

 

My advice to you after reading your post - should you be interested, is to give it more time. Back off, give her the space. When she reaches out, through the interaction (not the conversation) you will get an idea of where things are going and what she is seeking. If you are not picking up on the fact that she wants you to consider having another shot at a relationship together, back off again. Protect yourself. Set healthy boundaries.

 

If you do decide to write to her, the only thing that I would change based on what you wrote here is instead of "This time has been helpful for me, and I've done a lot of thinking and sorting out the role I might have played in you wanting time apart. I know that I could have done better. The ironic thing is, I want nothing more than to prove now that these things could be even better if we give our relationship another shot. But I appreciate that you perhaps don't want to continue." I would state something along the lines of:

 

While you are the one that requested space, I have found this time has also been helpful for me as well. I have been doing some soul searching myself and feel that I have grown from the experience. Perhaps you will see changes in me as a result of this growth but I respect that there is the possibility that you are not interested in continuing our relationship. Either way, I have benefited from our time apart. I would be interested in your observations if we have that opportunity again.

 

I also wouldn't ask or state that you wish for a conversation. If she wants space, this is the last thing that she wants to hear and therefore you are preventing the possibility of ever getting that opportunity. It is "pushing" too hard.

 

I would caution you that if you chose to write, write with the understanding and abilty to accept that you may never hear anything in return. If you write to her, try and state what you want her to know about you or what you feel about her while being careful to not be manipulative about it being a ploy to get her back or for her to respond. She will see right through it.

 

Sorry for the long reply. You made me think a lot. So there is some stream of consciousness in my reply. I hope it is helpful for you or others nonetheless.

 

Take care.......

[dancingcolors]

I say call. Get it over with. My guy dropped out of sight for a month. I kept waiting for him to call. Finally my friend said "call him, you deserve to know what is going on" I finally did, and he said he just happened to break up with me, without telling me. Then I had to guess and drag it out of him that he was seeing someone else. I think he didn't tell me, because he was keeping me on the back burner, in case the new one didn't work out, he could just say he was taking a break. It sounds like she is stringing you along, or not even doing that. I say call and get it over with. My counselor says that the hardest relationship to get over is one without closure, which he didn't think my guy gave me.

[LBP]

What'd ya do before receiving the birthday text?

[bluenote]

LBP, we were together for 1 year and 8 months; friends/acquaintances for 14 years before that. We have a lot of mutual friends, and she has come in and out of my life throughout that time. We started hanging out a lot 2 years ago, and realized how much we like each other - everything fell into place after that.

 

I did not find ENA for a couple of weeks after the break. I sent her a short email, and she had replied with "I should be apologizing for dropping this bomb on your head!" and that she was using this time for self-reflection and "thinking hard about all of this". I had brought up marriage at one point in our relationship, and I think it scared her, although there's some ways I know now that I could have been more attentive to her that may have allowed us to communicate better and maybe even prevented all this...if only I had the chance to go back and show her those...

 

I did call one other time and leave a voice message (which was a huge mistake, and done rashly in the heat of the moment - I was brief and upbeat and only said "I'd love to hear how you're doing and let you know what's going on with me"). She sent an email the next day saying she would "be in touch when she's ready". A week later was her birthday, and I did not contact her or wish her happy birthday. A week later (our birthdays are a week apart) was when she sent me the birthday text (about 6 weeks into our time apart).

 

Learning2relax, I really appreciate the insight and effort you put into your response. I think I will take the advice here and just give her more time, although not putting my life on hold. The impulse for the letter was just to end the rollercoaster that I am going through. But, I do think the best option is to try to ride it out on my own if I can and let the chips fall where they may, so to speak. As you and Jimbo have pointed out, and I feel too, maybe things will be different once we are both healed and time has done its magic.