suicidal anyone?

[kyivish]

I wanted to share my story and maybe it will help others who are suicidal.

 

First of all depression runs in my family, my grandfather, my mother, and my sister have all attempted suicide. I have too. Its something thats just been part of my life.

 

At the beginning of this year, new year's eve, was the first date with a girl who would become my first love....i've always been shy and never took too many chances with women. We dated for three months and I fell deeply in love with her. It was so perfect, she made my life so meaningful. Well she changed after one night, broke up with me two days later....a week later I find out she cheated on me with a stranger at the bar we spent st. patrick's day at....the jerk was joking with us for awhile, I had to go home for work and apparently right after I left she went home with this weasel.

 

I got very depressed...I tried to kill myself, was very much unsuccessful. I was calmed down a bit after this...I still wanted to die very much but I was more logical about it. One thing thats for sure is I lost my will to live. I was a zombie. On my off time I'd stare at the wall. Well one night my ticket out of here came calling.

 

I want to make clear that I in no way did this to my self, I wouldn't even know how. It was late at night and I was killing time wondering like a zombie at a walmart. I felt dizzy and passed out. I was rushed to the hospital where I spent the next three weeks. I was told that had I not been in public and had people not have called 911 I would have no doubt died.

 

This scared the hell out of me. I for the first time really came inches away from being dead. Am I all cured of suicidal thoughts? No. Since getting home the depression from the break up has hit me hard again and I sometimes wish I did die that night.

 

I'm not telling anyone how to feel or what to do or not to do. I ask that you believe me when I say I've been suicidal, I know how yall feel, and when I did face death it scared the hell out of me. Think about it before you do anything that can't be undone. And don't be stupid enough to believe you'll be able to see or know the reactions people will have cause of your death.

 

Heres my test to see if your really ready to die. If you can go up to everyone you know and tell them your moving to another state or country and that you hold no grudges towards them, then leave the state and commit suicide then your ready to die. If however you want even just one person to know you were at the breaking point and did what you did because of them or whatever then you don't want to die, you want closure and the attention you probably deserve.

 

Good luck to everyone...life is hard for some of us, don't feel isolated because of it.

 

And as a final note I'm sometimes still scared that in my subconscious I've already decided to die and that my body will find a way. What happened to me that night was a massive pulmonary embolism...I'm 25 years old, and none of the dozens of doctors and specialist who saw me and none of the countless blood tests and cat scans and xrays and mri's showed any reason for this to happen, they are all clueless on why this happened to me at such a young age and so dramatically massive. I think I know why. I'm still depressed and want a way out, but at the same time I'm scared to death my body will find that way out.

 

thanks for reading

[berny]

Bro,

I read ur all post...man,we are almost int he similar situation..i was with this girl fro 3 months and another 4 months long distance.....but after reading ur post i feel time does make a differnce...its the way how lived with them matters...but i feel me and u both would have been screwed our life big time if we would have married and then got divorced...my ex said she broke up with her ex because he was violent and abusive and obessive...when she was with me,she made me realize what love is and she made me feel special and take care of me.....and she promised me that she can never leave me and some bull * * * * ...but now..she is off with other guy....i was in relationships before but my first sex was with this girl...

i am 26 now..bro i wish to talk to u....can u give me ur messanger ID...u are in worst condition than mine..even i had been admitted in hospital for nervous breakdown when she dumped me...we need to work it out..we need to live our life..i have good friends and loving family around me....but i still have that emptiness and moreover i am doing my phd in microbiology and genetics...inspite of having all good things..i am screwing it all..from 2 months i never studies a bit...

i felt like ending my life...but never i am gonna do it...trust me..my life is not so cheap that some freak could screw it for me.we all are in pain bro.....but life is beautifull..just wait for sometime...i will be ur good friend and i wil give u company whenever u need me...please dont think about this suicide...dont end 25 years just for 3 months of relationship....could u give me ur ID..

[Lori123]

I tried just a few months ago, and obviously failed. But I really put a lot of thought and preparation into it, did my research, and when I finally did it, I thought that was it. I was just done, was going to sleep and never waking up. I didn't write a note or say anything to anyone.

 

Due to a complete fluke, I survived. I'm now doing much better, feel stronger, etc. But I'm still not jumping up and down, saying, "Yay, I'm so glad I didn't die." I guess I'm still waiting for that to happen.

 

But that experience changed me, and I think only people who have actually tried to commit suicide can understand it. It's like I walked through a door, and there's no way back to the other side. Or like The Matrix -- I took the red pill. There's no way to unlearn what I know now: That I am capable of committing suicide. Do you feel this way too?

[kyivish]

Lori123, yes I understand completely. the attempted suicide and the hospitalization for the freak embolism have given me an outlook that I'll never be able to shake, nor would I want to. I, like you, wasn't thrilled that I survived, when I tried to kill myself I thought I was ready. When the realization kicked in that I wasn't going to die I paniced.

So yes I know exactly how you feel. One thing I'd like to add is that I also did a lot of research, I actually didn't want it to be a gory mess, so guns were out. I found painless ways to do it, all I had to do was gather supplies, but that in itself was enough. The knowledge that I could do it painlessly at any time was enough of an escape route to make me strong enough to face the next day.

 

Berny

I feel for you...I read and commented on one of your threads. Sorry I don't know too much about this and I have no idea what you mean by ID

[doityourself]

Kyivish-

 

I know this sounds weird....

 

What a great story, not many of us comeout after a attempt in this frame of mind. Im happy for you that its opened your eyes that people do love you and your not alone.

 

We all just have to remember to take what life throws us one day at a time, that everything happens for a reason (so they say) and we learn from them and live our life smarter than before.

 

Good Luck

[kyivish]

doityourself

Thank you for the kind words. I have been there, I've spent day after day fantasizing about just having a random heart attack, it would make me feel good. I attempted suicide. I was starting to feel the effects, mean while a friend was texting about getting drinks later that night. I failed obviously, I got violently ill shot vomit several feet in front of me and was very dizzy, had a god awful migraine and was jittery. I went out that night.

And like I said that random heart attack came, though not a heart attack, a pulmonary embolism....for anyone who doesn't know a pulmonary embolism is about a painless and quick and easy as it comes. I got dizzy passed out and nearly died. I was in public and so employees of the store called 911. I still nearly died. Blood clots blocled oxygen from getting into my blood. I was told later that upon arrive to the hospital my arms and legs were very blue and they had to race to find what was causing this cause I had minutes to live.

The point of the story is that had I not been out that night I would have died at home. I probably would have gotten dizzy lied down in bed and never have woken up. Canit ask for a better death than that! No gory mess left behind no pain, not wrist to cut not pills to swallow. All natural and painless. It was exactly what I had wanted, and you know what, I'm scared to death it might happen again. Suicide is romantic, its this end to a horrible unjustified world, people will feel bad for wronging you afterward, others will miss you and cry, exes may feel regret for not coming back to you. This is what people think about when suicidal. Death is final, death has no satisfaction, its you no longer existing, no thoughts, no heaven, no afterlife, no second chance, no watching the living, no knowledge, no reflection. Its you never thinking to yourself again. I really hope people who are suicidal think in terms of death and not suicide, thats what I learned from my embolism and near death experience.

[doityourself]

Wow- what a scary experience to go through. Im glad this was a life changing experience for you, most of us never get to feel what it would be like to actually almost be at that moment of death. I think if we did, there wouldnt be as much people wanting to end things so quickly.

 

Suicide is romantic, its this end to a horrible unjustified world, people will feel bad for wronging you afterward, others will miss you and cry, exes may feel regret for not coming back to you. This is what people think about when suicidal. Death is final, death has no satisfaction, its you no longer existing, no thoughts, no heaven, no afterlife, no second chance, no watching the living, no knowledge, no reflection

 

This is the best way I have ever heard someone put the emotions of suicide together. The thing is once were gone, were gone. We dont get to go to our own funerals and see if people actually show or cry. We dont get to find out if we stuck it to someone, made them regret for the things that they did to us.

 

When Im in my "episode" I just think of ending the pain, I also believe that everyone in my life would be better off without me. I mean who wants to live with someone that has depression and all the baggage that I have. This is what my brain trys to trick me into believing. Where does these thoughts even come from? I know my boys are better off with a mother, and my husband is better off with his wife, but that doesnt stop the nagging that me, brought on and delivered by me, myself.

 

How is your health now? Do you feel better, on a daily basis?

[kyivish]

I am getting better. Its been hard lately for sure. I came home from the hospital with zero strength. I could barely walk. I'm happy to say I can walk without limping in short distances. If I go to the mall or something I'd either need to sit down every ten minutes or use a wheelchair. I get very dizzy standing up and if I faint and hit my head I'd be in extreme risk of internally bleeding to death as I have to take daily blood thinners.

 

I'll tell you the hardest part is that this whole experience has made the break up fresh again. I was very slowly getting past it. But now that I spend most of the day in bed, or at least at home, as I can't work and I'm not supposed to drive, I feel very lonely and sad that I no longer have that girl who'd cuddle up with me on the couch. She was a chiropractor and I actually was told by the physical therapist I now see that I need to be adjusted regularly....she use to adjust me. And of course this whole experience was a frightening one, I want that special person to talk to about it. But whats really painful is that yes I survived this ordeal, but truthfully I really don't have much to live for.

 

But I am glad I can share my story and maybe help others. Even if they remain suicidal I just want those who come through here to know that what they are feeling has been felt by many others before them, and will be felt by many others after them....they may feel alone, but they are not alone in how they feel.

[doityourself]

Thats hard, I know how hard it is to have medical issues. I went on a ski weekend and ended up in the hospital for 5 days with an infection in my blood, nobody knows after all these tests, and I tell ya the test were not fun. I think there are some places that noone should ever see or touch on my body. Now they want to do test over, yea right. Plus all the doctor bills that add up.

 

Nothing worse than feeling physically ill on top of everything else. Running back and forth from doctors, being tired, not wanting to eat, then just plain exhausted from feeling sick. It defineity is a big downer.

 

BUT.....

 

Your 26 years old, you have so much life to live yet, not married, no kids. Do you know how many woman out there are looking for you, and your going to let yourself be down over someone that wants someone else. Dont do that, meet that lady thats going to want you for you, someone that gives as much as recieves. Its one of the best feelings knowing your other side loves you and wants to spend time and energy on you. Dont short yourself of that.

[kyivish]

I'm really sorry to hear about your medical troubles also. I also had many tests done. Most were blood tests, in fact at least three times a day someone would come to collect several vials of blood from me. I don't like needles and they hurt cause they had to take the blood from the top of my foot. I started getting panic attacks when they'd come by. Anyways the doctors still don't know why I had one of the most severe pulmonary embolisms they've seen at such a young age. One of the nurses told me he would hear doctors in lounges and break rooms and offices talking about my case, doctors who weren't mine. He said my doctors will probably write a paper about my case. He said it was so strange and mysterious it could become a case study for medical students. Sorry I'm rambling.

 

As for the second part of your post. I really hope thats true, you're bring me to tears now. I've always been so shy and never really got out there and dated...but once this last relationship happened I realized how important and meaningful it is to have that loving partner in life. I feel like deep down I miss the relationship and not the girl, apart from her cheating on me, leaving me for him, she was special. I love her, I'm sorry, I wish I could be happy about the future. Thanks for the kind words, they really do help, and I really do hope you're right about people out there thinking I would be a great catch...I do have a sense of humor, when I'd get xrayed every other day the tech would come back to the room and tell me that the the pictures are clear, I'd respond saying "oh yea so you have a focused picture of the flesh eating virus?"

 

well thanks for reading another long post. I was told I should write down how I feel and my recent experiences...it really does help and it also helps to have people respond....I get cabin fever being stuck in the house all day everyday

[eonsunshine]

kyivish, just wanna say hi and thanks for sharing

wish you best of luck